Soyeon wants to know what happened. I used to be so cute. I don't understand it either.

Dream 2
After running from alligators in my grandmas pond I ended up laying with a gay guy. His feet were facing the way my head was. I was his slave or something. I rubbed him with my body. It worked. He came on to be on top of me. We kissed and I was rotating my thighs. I could feel his hard dick. I wanted it to be in my pussy but we stopped. He was necked and still kind of hard. I grabbed his dick and put it in my mouth. I tried to remember what Andy told me and use my tongue but it was a fruitless effort. The guys penis faced the floor standing even when it was hard. I told him that I was sorry and I had never been to good at sucking dick. I'm always afraid my teeth with hurt them. The guy said that it was ok, it was a different kind of love and you just had to look for certain points or signs.

Well, this long distance thing with Andy is over, I think. He sent me a weird e-mail a while ago and hasn't spoken to me again. He said our egos were to big to be in the same boat or some shit like that. I understand I'm full of myself half the time. It's annoying I guess, but it's nothing new. It's just one of the stupid things that helps me to function in this bull shit life.
I've been dealing with it well, right now is the first time I've cried. It's bad when I cry, I can't stop because I always go back to the saddest time in my life. Now I keep thinking about when I found out for sure that Matthew was dead. I went to Andy's apartment and he hugged me while I cried. Andy was my neighbor then. I was depressed. I would go sleep with him sometimes just because I was so sad and lonely. At that time I was making bad decisions and having sex with some heartless assholes but Andy would always listen to my stories and he never tried anything with me. We used to hang out everyday. We didn't start this sexual relationship thing until a couple of months before I moved up here.
This morning I had a dream that I was at my parents house on the phone with Andy. I was going outside to the rabbit cage on the front porch. I told Andy "My parents got me a rabbit" he asked "is it white" I told him "no, its brown with a black face" I remember I felt happy about that because the red eyes of white rabbits freak me out. Well, after that I got the rabbit out of the cage and I hugged it so hard that it squeaked at me. Its long soft ears were brushing against my cheek. There was something else around me and the rabbit. I can't remember if it was a dog or a chicken. It was some type of overexcited animal.
Rabbit Definition:     Seeing a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize your sexual activity. Seeing a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness of a lover.     
So yeah, this dream bothered me because I was talking to Andy just like he was still my best friend.
I started my period today. I bet my estrogen levels are causing my emotions to flare up. I'm stressed out with my work and I'm stressed out because I need to find work, soon! Work that I actually get paid for. I'm depressed because I can't even afford Midol right now, I was pissed because I had to spend money on tampons, 2.99 for 10 of those suckers. It's cheaper to get them from the quarter machine at school, unfortunately that thing's not always so reliable.
I've stopped crying. This writing stuff is good I reckon. It makes you attempt thought organization. That's to rational a process to sync well with crying.
I got super drunk on Thursday night. I had a great time. The film candidate guy seems nice. I love to see others in a state of severe intoxication. To bad I had the PMS and hangover mix all day Friday. Alcohol affects women more when they are menstruating.

Can you believe my type keys work now? I don't understand this machine, I think it's fucking with me.

I had some company over, around three graduate students. We were in my apartment eating lunch or something. I noticed that my chin skin was peeling. I washed my face in the bathroom. I noticed a black tip on the end or a zit below my lip. I squeezed the zit and a black tick came out. Disgusted I threw the tick in the toilet and flushed. Then I looked in the mirror and this mosquito spider thing was coming out of the zit. Then these mosquito spider things were all over the bathroom. I freaked out and went and got one of the students. He had a fly swatter and started killing them. I went for the bug spray. Later on I was watching T. V. and the news was talking about a SARS epidemic involving mosquito spider things, it gave me a number to call, 882 7651 or something like that. I went to school and ran into Meg. I told her about the mosquito spider things and she agreed that I had better call. Meg was looking for some woman who had left an expensive and well known painting in the back-seat of her car. People were afraid that students would steal it. It was of flowers and a person with one eye like on a playing card or something.

I went to soundlab last night. Soyeon wanted to go. I wanted to go to the ho's party but ... we got to soundlab around 10:00 and it was OK, nothing had really started up yet so I sat there and stared at a video projection and listened to some ass shaking music and thought what the hell am I doing here.
Then I went to see doctor Brian. I was genuinely sick of course so I was looking for some good advice. He prescribed that I laugh all day without stopping. I think that sounds nice on paper and everything but in reality it would be super annoying for any other human who I happened to be around at the time. Anna was dressed up with heels, a checkered dress, and an apron passing out vagina cupcakes. They were good. After I experienced the kids performances I was ready to go but Soyeon wasn't so we stuck around until 1 or so. I didn't drink or anything well, I was doing toasts with my cough medicine.
When I got home I couldn't sleep. Keith had sent me some IM to apologize for forgetting my sickness but it seemed like a hostile apology so I just ignored it. I called Andy back because he had called me when I was at soundlab but the phone cut out. I miss him but he bothers me. I feel like I'm changing while he's doing the same old thing. I guess I just wish I was there to do the some old thing with him. But then I was up forever typing to Soyeon on the IM thing. I was being bratty by gloating over this TA thing that I'm not even sure if I have yet. I hope I do or I'll be on the midnight train to GA pretty soon. Soyeon says "you're so young." I know I'm young but so what, you know? I feel stupid getting defensive. I'm excited, I want to get something out of teaching. I hope I'll find or create some youthful enthusiasm for the moving image.
I tired Soyeon out with that conversation and she went to sleep so I tried to as well but I couldn't so I got out of bed and wrote a little story about the kidney infection I had when I was 6. Here it is.

Kidney Infection

I got sick one day when I was real young. My mama had to take me to the doctor. When we saw the doctor she said to my mother "your daughter needs to be checked into the hospital immediately." My mama called my daddy from the doctor's office. She started crying when she was on the phone so I started crying to.
When we got to the hospital a man stuck needles in my wrist and taped them down. I asked the man who we was and he said he was my nurse. I told him that he couldn't be a nurse because he was a man but he told me that wasn't true. He had long wavy hair and he was nice.
I ate some red Jell-O but then I threw it up. The nurse came to clean up and pretended to be amazed because I didn't get any throw up on my night gown. It was just on the bed sheets. After a day or so they said that they were going to have to do an operation because I wasn't improving at all but that very day I felt better all of the sudden, in the blink of an eye. I started jumping in my hospital bed shouting "Mama, Jesus touched me, Jesus touched me!" They took me to the X-ray room after that and rubbed jelly on my belly. They never had to operate and I got to go home pretty soon after that.


Well, after I wrote that stuff down I went to my bed and tried to sleep but couldn't. I picked up the True Romance magazine that I purchased at CVS a few months ago. My cousin Kim always read those magazines and she used to give me her old copies when I was in middle school. I've always liked the stories because they offer a different perspective on life. I read all the stories in this one magazine and got to the back page where they advertise their web site .
Then I picked up a book I have about the theory of evil or something and I read about the story of the tower of Babel . My mother used to used this story as an example of why races shouldn't mix. The book on evil was
t
al
king about Jews and Christians. I've been thinking about the difference between Christians and Jews lately but its difficult because I was raised Christian so I have no frame of reference for Judaism except that Jesus was a Jew and all that.
I have a big problem with Christianity because Christians are always trying to convert people into their belief system. I have a lesser problem with Judaism because they are more elite, you have to pursue the religion and study hard if you want to convert. I do have a problem with elitism though and I think it's kind of sad that so many people believe only Jews are gods "chosen" people. I guess if their God has a dick I don't want to be chosen. I'll go with Baubo. Then I started thinking of this conversation I was having with terry the other night. I was arguing that genetic diversity is the key to evolution. Terry was arguing that humans have evolved as much as they can and unless something happens that separates groups of humans from each other we are all going to stay pretty much the same. He used the split of primates into gorillas and humans as an example, I guess we came about because a group of primates were separated by a natural occurrence. One side became monkeys the other side became us. So Terry thinks that because humans are all mushing together they are not going to evolve much more.
Then I started thinking about Judaism again. Can Jews evolve because they separate themselves? I know a lot of people convert and everything but still this is a relativity small group of people that goes back thousands of years. If you are a really hard-core Jew you probably want to marry another hard-core Jew. Its interesting, I hope Jews evolve into superheros. That would be great.
So I guess that's all stupid talk. Damn these patriarchal structures. Does anyone want to worship the goddess of fertility?

I'm having trouble sleeping because my throat hurts but at the same time I have a terrible craving for a cigarette and I'm all out. I've smoked a pack today. I hate it when one nostril is clogged and the other isn't, it just pisses me off so bad. More than anything I like to breath comfortably. I'm miserable when I have a cold. I'm miserable, Oh, Misery! I also have little patience with people when I feel this way. I swear to God Soybean asked me a million times today "You Ok?" I know that sounds nice you know she's a good friend but after the 5th time or so I just started getting irritated then my friend Keith IM's me tonight asking "Karaoke?"
Jesus Christ! I feel like shit I can't breath, my head hurts, my throat hurts, my nostrils are playing musical chairs with the free breathing passage, why the fuck would I want to go sing karaoke? Keith pissed me off the other night when I told him I had a bad cold he asked me if I had the shits! I mean God damn, I wish, Jesus why does he think that's funny? Why is he obsessed with pooping? Oh, you have a cold you must have runny feces as well. Shit is a part of life and everything but Keith, you talk about shit to much and sometimes it makes me all pissed off. Guess what, shit stinks but at the moment I pray for the shits, if I could switch a headache, sort throat, runny then stopped up nose, cough, chain reaction sneezing, achy body, dry eyes, and chest mucus for the mere shits I would gladly do it.

I'm sick. I couldn't get out of bed today. My throat was burning and I was full on mucus. So I've been sleeping a lot. I'm afraid that I have what Matthew has. I hope not cause I way to damn busy to be sick for long. I'm hoping that I've been through the worst of it and I'm on the path to recovery. I've been here in the house all day and I'm I even got this damn machine to work temporarily. I'm getting all stressed out again. Fucking life! What can I do? I'd like to crawl under a rock and be alone for a few weeks.

you gotta take a look at this site, Soyeon has worked so hard on it and I even had to write some stuff. You also have to come to the show though, please, please, please. please, please!

She was tripping on LSD, 15 years old. I told her she was crazy for doing that shit at school. “It's to hostile of an environment,” I said. We were in the bathroom smoking cigarettes.
I remembered the first time she'd tried LSD it was at my house. I told her there were sharks in my waterbed she wouldn’t get on it after that. I told her that the angel on my wall was real and she touched it and called it pretty. I had a balloon with a face painted on it sitting on my shelf. She touched it and it fell lightly to the floor. She sat down cried, saying “I killed it, I killed it.”
Then my Mama was at the door I was talking to her in the hall and a cricket passed by. Mama shouted "oh kill it kill it" so Courtney ran to the hall and she was crying again saying "oh no no Mrs. Brasington, don't kill it, don't kill it!” My Mama laughed and said “Courtney yer so silly” and then she walked on down the hall.
Into the bathroom came Mrs. Fergi with the one limp hand and a great love for jesus, she taught me art, I reckon. She came with a warning “get out they are coming, they will catch you, hurry up.” So we left the bathroom that day.