Walls are closing in, the room is getting smaller;
I feel I am suffocating within the limits of my apartment.
I climb the walls, leaving scratch marks as I fall back down,
crumbling in a heep on the floor.
My fingers, they bled with the chance to escape,
but alas, escape is just not in the cards.

So yeah, I just don't know!! Maybe by this time next week I might be playing that single game. Which would be interesting since it would be the first time being single while being "out". But its, so hard being single. That means I have to go out, meet new people blah blah blah.

But you know, I can't do that. I am SO self-conscious about how I look I can't do it. You know, that's a HUGE problem with the GLBT community. Many are so focused on how the person looks, they forget about everything else. Yes, I may not be the most attractive individual (which I find hard to believe) but gish darn it, there's a LOT more to me than just that. But of course if I am not physically appealing to the eye, they won't get to see what I am all about.

But i'm talking like Drew and I are over....which we are not. We had a nice converstaion last night about everyhting. We'll see what happens. He said that he would try to be there more for me and to do things for me to show that he actually cares. BUT...of course I get an IM tonight when I was out shopping with my RAs that he might not be over tonight becasue some of his friends are having a labrynth movie night and they are very domminering and he might be firced into going. Umm...yeah..PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND SAY YOU CAN'T GO!! Its not that hard!

No matter what, I am going to be seen as the bad guy. He is trying to put everythung all on me. the way he is talking, he's making it sound like I am forcing him to change who he is to be more of the way that I want him. But i don't think that I am...am I? I mean, it is too much to be asked to have a little love in return?

So perhaps I have some sort of a chemical imbalance going on with my synapses and axons and their terminals in my brain. (Wow...I remember something from my Biological Psych class!). I really think that (e:Jinks) was right...I needed to get a good night sleep. I feel SO much better than I did last night. I had a LONG day of meetings and the like. Thursdays really suck! But hey...I got to do what I got to do to get the paycheck!!

I think I really connected with a hall director here tonight. We went out to Tully's and then went to ColdStone Creamery (Maple and Transit). It was REALLY nice to get out of the apartment as well as find someone to talk to. Not that I don't have people to talk to...but she knows that I am going through first hand. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. :-)

Tonight I feel very distant, almost "out in left field" from everyone and everything. I attempt to hide this and act like my "normal" self, but I am really starting to wonder what my "normal" self actually is. Perhaps THIS is normal and everything else is all a big facade. I just don't know anymore.

I wish I can put my finger on everything. I don't know if it is just one thing that brings me down or if it just a combination of everything that gets all rolled into one HUGE thing that will eventually make me explode. I mean, there is just so many things going on (or not going on) that is really making life difficult.

1.) Not able to see Drew--He has rehearsals for a show he is in at the end of February Tues-Sun all at night. I am lucky if I get to see him one or two nights a week. That is a HUGE change from last semester as we got used to seeing each other 4 days of the week, spending 3 days together consistently. Now...who the hell knows. PLUS...does he even think of just sending an IM saying "hi...hope all is well, I miss you and love you etc". . . NO.

2.) Work is starting to get annoying. We just hired a new RA which FINALLY beings us back up to full staff (16 RAs). But now I have to recreate a new duty schedule which is SUCH A PAIN! And then I have RAs who rant and rave about things about their jobs that they don't like to do etc...SUCK UP AND DEAL! If you don't like it..QUIT!!!!!!!!!! Add on top of that, I feel that the RHD treats me like an RA at times and not as an Assistant Hall Director. I think that she forgets sometimes that we are more equal than she gives credit for. Again, this is something that I should talk to her about but I don't like being very assertive.

3.) I think that major thing is that I really feel alone. With Drew in rehearsals and not really having anyone here at UB that I can really talk too and confide in is just starting to get too much. I miss my friends. I miss that "hey, let's go out somewhere" or just that general "come on over and lets watch a movie". Instead, I sit alone in my apartment with me, myself and I. And when that happends, I start to think. And when I start to think, I get in moods like this that I just cannot shake. I wish I knew how isolated I would be when I came here. :-(

First of all, I want to take this opportunity to thank the following people: (e:ladycroft) (e:jenks) and (e:metalpeter) for taking the time and respond to my last entry. You all have offered advice and input on my current situation and I appreciate it.

Things might be getting a little better. We had a little conversation about the subject matter and he said he will really try harder to be more appreicative and give more. We'll see. I just don't want to end it with him. I really love the guy. I freakin chose to come to Buffalo just for him, to be close to him. But i'm glad I did because then I would not have ever met the totally awesome beautiful (e:ladycroft) in which then my life would not have EVER been complete! :-)

Okay, so here's the deal. I am in a relatioship with a GREAT guy! We've been together for almost two years (in April). I really love him. But...theres a problem. I always feel like I am always putting more into the relationship than he is. I always end up payng for things, he never offers. I always buy him things (little things) but he never recipocates. And when he does, he makes a production out of it, almost like he is ticked that he was to do so. A guy can only take so much!! I just don't know what to do! I've tried to talk to him about it...but all I get in return is "well, what do you want me to do?" Its not that I want him to do, but its stuff that HE SHOULD want to do. Am I right or am I really off the deep-end? I NEED HELP!!

So interesting night tonight. Responded to an incident tonight with the ProStaff on duty since I was hanging out at her apartment anyways. Well, the incident was in my building and involved two of my RAs. Apparently, one was in a way assulted by the other while on rounds. OH GOOD GOD. After getting word from our boss, we had to suspend the RA immediately, take their master key and office key and issue a no contact verbal warning. CRAZINESS.

That is all.

So, I don't know why, but all of a sudden I feel really...crappy? Down? Sad? I don't know. Its a feeling I have not had for a LONG time; like when I was back in High School. I don't like it when i feel such things like this. Oh no..I feel a dark poem coming on....


The ice falls down from the sky,
the people scamper in where its dry;
Cars go whizzing by,
without a care in their eye.

Alone I sit as I hear the water freeze,
and I wonder, "is this what it is all about?"
Next to my little four foot Christmas tree
with its lights all a glow, I sit and ponder
thinking it all out.

The noise from the freshman as they walk by
remind me of how obsolete I have become;
I am seen as the "authority" and nothing more,
not someone they can talk to or become friends with.

Happy yes, happy no;
I just don't know.

There are times that I wish,
years ago I succeeded in somethings,
but ended up failing instead.

Everyday is a new experience,
looking forward to the day ahead;
never thought I would see them,
thought i'd be dead.

Here I sit, alone in my room,
without a care.

I have forgotten what it was like not to have to worry about getting school work completed. I'm sitting here in my office filling out 16 RA evaluations (which I should REALLY be doing instead of typing away on this) and am thinking to myself, "What am I going to do tonight?"What papers, or questions, or summaries do I have to do?". And then I remember, "Oh...i'm done for the semester". I can primarily focus on my acutal Assistant Hall Director Work! How weird!

Last night, going to a holiday party with (e:Ladycroft) was really what I needed. I needed a chance to get away from the hall, my job, the responsibility and just be me. Iy has been so long since I have been able to be myself. But let me just say...I REALLY enjoyed it! I am making my New Year's Resolution early: I need to get away more and enjoy life to the fullest. HAPPY NEW YEAR (18 days early...)

So I guess I have succumbed to peer pressure and joined Elmwood Strip. I have been hearing about this site since September. It was not up until only a few min. ago...perhaps 30 min, that ( (e:Ladycroft)) finally convinced me to join and see what it is all about. I guess I should wait and see how this goes.