well....it's a surreal experience. I wait and anticipate for months on end. I get really excited and plan to stay here for my entire vacation because I think I will need all of this time to hang out with old friends and family I haven't seen in a while....

...but the truth is, I get here, and there is nothing to be done. No one lives here anymore, and those who do have lives going on outside of waiting for their old friends to come back. Last night it hit me hard... I called an old friend who has always been there to hang out whenever...but this time, this friend was totally abrupt with me and had told me that they went to this party that we had planned to go to together.... without me because they thought it was the best thing to do "in this situation" (to complex to explain). I guess I was hurt a bit. I know I shouldn't be, but I am.

I have always been really independent since I was a child. When I left buffalo 5 years ago to start school in Plattsburgh, I was sad, but knew it was best for me...and it was....but that was the beginning of me losing touch with home. Now that I live on the other side of the world and that I have sort of a real life there, when I come home, I kinda just sit here and wait....for something to happen.

I guess home will never be the same.

So buffalo will always be my home....but I don't think I will ever feel at home again here....and I certainly don't feel at home any place else....I guess you could say I am homeless at the moment. I have a great place in Las Vegas and I actually like it, but its not some place that I take seriously outside of school and this temporary residency.


Maybe I am foolish for wanting to move back to buffalo when all else is said and done....I mean, i have been home for about a week and am already sick. I haven't been sick in months. None of my friends live here anymore, and even if they did, what do we have in common? Besides, other than working at Roswell (which would be awesome) what the hell would I do with my career?

And putting myself aside, what would danny do? I know for sure he doesn't want to live here....but I have been pleaing with him for months now....maybe I should stop.


Uncertainty is a good thing, but also a thing that puts that lump in your throat....I am defnitely feeling the lump.