"Now comes the revolution. If you don't implement a conservative agenda now, when do you?" ~Richard Viguerie, New York Times, November 4, 2004.

How about never?

Here comes the revolution, yes…alas I would assume that revolution would come from those who would buck the system and fight the conservative agenda.
It has been 2 days since the election, and it just keeps getting worse. I am a big believer in hope…but truthfully I have very little.
I cannot imagine living in a world where people I love are persecuted and where there is no freedom of speech, press, thought, or choice. I can’t imagine living in some Orwellian existence.
And I think I have a right to say that I don’t accept this. I won’t accept this.

So what can I do?

I need examples here, people. Because sitting on the sidelines and letting things go to shit has never been something I can do. So what can I do to make a change? How does a person change the world?
I must find an answer to that question. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to pass them on.

So I just voted in my first presidential election. :)

And my aunt Muriel died. :(

So it's been an interesting day.

I was awoken today by the phone ringing. I pick up, I say hello, I get this in return: "::insert background noise:: No, I called her, I get to tell her...Brig? It's Rick. I am standing in frotn of a pile of rubble on Elmwood. Coffee& burned down."

As Katy said, this is enough reason to call Aquila.

Now we have to find a new coffee house to go to.

It's a shock, really. Katy called me later and said "How are you, are you ok, are you coping??" and i thoguth she meant cuz of recent situations, but when I said "I'm fine", she replied "HOW CAN YOU BE FINE!!!!!!! We have no where to get a good cheap cup of coffee anymore!"

Really, it was the epicenter of our summer.
Now it's rubble.

It's a shame.
:(

Doing my part as street team member and PR management:

MAD YELLOW SUN

With
VEIL
(their final show)
DARKLING
and
AS SUMER DIES

Oct. 30th, 2004

The Continental
212 Franklin St.
Buffalo, NY

Doors at 10pm

18+
No cover charge

(Costumes encouraged)



There. I'm done. The band, while good, is such a thorn in my side.
I find it amusing that I started out with this project being the best friend of the drummer, and have concluded it being one of the singers best friends instead. As for the drummer....
well, it's been a few months since we've spoken. I don't know what the deal is...maybe it is PMS, as the title suggests. Maybe we just grew apart...that happens with people...
But I have known him since I was 4 years old. I went to grade school with him. He was in the first play I ever directed, I was at the first gig he ever played. We've gone thru life and death together, we have been thru first loves and first breakups and losing people and gaining people and so much more....I have known him for 17 years.
That's a long time for us NOT to grow apart...
And I almost wish I'd never met him now.

Oh well.

Come see the band.

Plus there's a party after at Doug's house, and as we all know, Doug's party throwing abilities are almost as good as mine.

AADA called me for an audition.
I am deleriously giddy.
To the point of insanity, really.
Now I have to find a place to stay cuz Viv isn't living in NYC anymore, and I have to talk to Rick about driving me...I hope he still can.

But that's all just details. In the grand scheme, all that matters is the fact that this is the singular best moment of my life...or at least, will be til I hear that im accepted...if I'm accepted, that is.
No time for negative thoguhts, tho... :)

So I was bored and snooping around the site, reading people's journals etc. And I found that there seems to be an influx of bitching about Kenmore ever since the drive-by on Victoria.
I, for one, have not lived here my whole life. I lived in Riverside. My parents made the descision to move to Kenmore after a. a man was stabbed outside the liquor store three doors down, b. our phone was tapped by our neighbors, and c. there was a gang shoot out directly in front of my house. All in one week.
So we moved.
And I have been trying to leave ever since.
Usually, I would be the first to join in and say how bad the town has gotten; but really, I don't see it that way.
Maybe because speeding and parking tickets REALLY ARE the biggest concern.

Think about it...dozens of crimes committed in city limits a year. Kenmore is faring well. I can hardly think of any...there was a couple gas station hold-ups, whatever the hell happened on west hazeltine sometime in the 90's, and oh, yeah, there was that horrible massacre on Mang in '85.
Alas, attimes such as these, no one counts their blessings. As for me, I am very good friends with someone who lives in the house that was shot at. I am amazingly grateful no one in that family was hurt, and I hope that all of this gets sorted out as quickly as possible. But I don't live in a bubble and I read the paper and watch the news, and I know that things like this unfortunatly happen, and it could have been worse.
So don't be so quick to define Kenmore as the "ghetto." I've lived in the ghetto, and I know people who wouldn't even call Riverside that. I have friends who grew up on the east side, I have friends from lovejoy and babcock, and that is the ghetto.
When there is more than one violent crime a year.
When there is NO Dollar General, just a bodega on the corner.
When there is no sidewalks, for that matter.
When there are no driveways, or sprinkler systems, or pools in the back yards, or flowers in front of the house, or food on the fucking dinner table.
That is the ghetto.

Show me a starving Kenmorite, I'll show you the world's greatest illusion.

• Note: My apologies for the fact that I snapped a little, but really my gripe all comes down to one thing. You know the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side?" Well, if you never stop to pay attention to the grass, it turns brown mighty quick.

hmm.
his whole thing makes me nervous...1. it was in kenmore, where we moved to get AWAY from shootouts near our house, 2. it was at my friend's house!
so i should of course be affected by all this.
i don't know.
after so many years of so much shit with kevin and his...erm...unfortunate living quarters, i guess i wasnt expecting anything anymore now that kev moved out of that house. but i guess it was naive to think that was the only possible crime like that to take place.
i don't know.

i'm miserable, and i don't feel well.

So I’m feeling a bit nauseated.

On a good note, I finally finished Dungeon Seige…which is probably the easiest game I’ve ever played, and thus was quite a disappointment.

On a…hmm…different note…
There was a drive-by in Kenmore last night.
Someone shot at Steve’s house.

James reports that Steve’s brother Kevin got in a fight with some kid, then the kid wanted to fight Kevin again and he said no, so the kid and his friends drove by their house last night and shot through the front window.
It was only one bullet, and no one was hurt…but it was bad.

And of course, my first thought was “Where was Kevin last night??� (Because that's always been the first thought, ever since I was about 14) My second thoguth was "Where was Dennis?" And Jaime calls me and says “It was Kevin.� And my heart dropped straight to my shoe. Of course, she then explained that we were talking about an altogether different Kevin, as opposed to my lovely quasi-brother.

And it made me think about the boys…you know, the ones that worry me so…Dan, Dennis, Todd, even Graeme and Mike…and Kevin. Kevin, whom I would die without.

As Jaime says, I’ll never be alone, I’ll always have Kevin.
The brother that God forgot.

Anyhoo…
I am so relieved no one was hurt. Especially Steve. This past year has been rough, and we have gone whole months without speaking, but at one time he was one of my best friends, and I still care very much. If he was hurt…well, I just don’t want to think about it.
After the situation last summer at the bus stop, I never really thought about what that all meant, and now I am…and it is making me sick.


Why do people act this way towards one another?

First of all, today sucked badly. And it shouldn’t have, due to good music, even better friends, and lots and lots of Guinness.
Alas, it was rotten.
I think we were all in a very “If you say another word, I’ll punch you in the face� mood.

Oh, and I SO HATE YOU right now. Of course, you don’t know who you are, and you probably won’t read this, but whatever.

Ok, that said, let me go on to my actual entry…

"Oh, I wish this mist would never lift--I wish I could just stay in it forever, hidden away from every living being. I don't see how I can go on with life. This summer has been so full. I never was lonely for a moment…�~ Lucy Maud Montgomery

AOL just kicked my ass, deleting not only my journal entry but a whole long conversation about sex and Nichols boys…guess who I was talking to about that one?
I liked this quote because it's true (and cuz it originates in the world of Green Gables.) Summer was not a lonely time. Now fall sets in, and so does the lonliness, and the lack of connection, and the general slow pace of life.
I wanted to write about summers past and patterns that repeat themselves, hence the quote. And I got thinking about it and I wanted to write about Dennis (Summer 97) and Nick (Summer 02) and even Mark (Summer 03).
But I can’t.
Damnit.
Because all I can think about is this summer.
I met a lot of new people--I was busy practically everyday--There was the Quad--Thus,
There was Katy,
And Aquila,
And Rick.
I became really close with Victoria--I became really distant with Nick--I hardly saw Kevin--I spent time with him and Todd, but that dwindled as summer went on--I was in a car accident--I had a lot of family issues--I stopped worrying about most things--I started worrying about a lot more pressing issues--I spent a lot of time with Molly--I never quite knew where I stood for a long time--I trusted more--I complained less--I heard a lot of good music--I saw same damn fine theatre--I missed Mike--And Mark--I hardly saw Jaime--I hardly thought of the past--I got more gutsy--I gave up scripts--I fell out of love with someone--And in love with another--I tore down walls--I took off masks--I surprised myself--I lost a lot of weight--I dyed my hair it’s natural color--I cut my hair--I found my muse--I made new friends--I got rid of old ones--I saw one of my best friends almost everyday--I wrote, a lot--I questioned authority, a lot--I got mad--I got fed up--I was sad--I ate a lot of meals at Pano’s-- missed Sahar so very much--I barely saw Dolores and I hated that--I talked to Dennis a lot--I had the best birthday I’ve had in a while--I found out some interesting things about myself--I finally made peace with my memories of Matthew--I cried a lot--I became more aware of the world outside the obvious--I spent a lot of time with Andrea--I spent a lot of time trying to improve myself--I quite smoking…for a week--I bid a lot of my friends farewell as they left for school--I decided to take a chance…or 1000 chances…..

It was a hell of a summer.
I always said that August 1997-July 1998 were the best 11 months of my life, and they were…if we’re going by the number 11. But this…this was the best 3.
Hands down.

Thinking about the past few months is strange, it’s a flurry of things…the beach, corndogs and nachos, molly’s apartments, the halls of Buff Sem, the stage at Nichols, Pano’s, Coffee&, Katy’s basement, Todd’s trampoline, Bob’s pinball machines, fishnets and corsets, the movie theatre, Harry Potter, putt-putt, swing dancing, Bush/Kerry, protests, Aquila’s front porch, that cursed apartment, band gigs, Doug’s house, nick’s graduation, punk rock, the corner of Potomac and Elmwood, family, Bernadette, veiled death threats, emo, bus rides, spot, parties, concerts, cunning plans, long conversations, profound thoughts, silliness in extremes, burger
k
ing, the end of Main St., health insurance policies, psychics and soul mates…

And despite all the angst and tears and fighting and craziness and emo-ness of so much this summer, in so many aspects of my life…I would not trade this.

It really was a kick-ass summer.

"I'll hold you if you feel you'll fall
I'll hold your hand if you just need a friend
I'll hold the line so you can call
I'll hold the feelings you don't want to end

You know that it's true
When I hold you
There'll be no secrets
I believe it

I'll hold your tears if you must cry
I'll hold your breath if that won't make you blue
I'll hold the truth if you must lie
I'll hold off choice till you know what to do

You know that it's true
When I hold you
There are no secrets
I believe it

So I will hold on
And if that's not what you're used to
Then I may refuse to
Hold off
if maybe that's not what you're used to
How can I refuse you?

I'll hold the train till you get on
I'll hold the mirror so you can fix your hair
I'll hold the pain till it is gone
I'll hold my ground when people stop and stare

You know that it's true
When I've held you
There are no secrets
You must believe it

I'll hold the beating of my heart
I'll hold my breath if you will tell me to
I'll hold the hope that we won't part
and I'll hold off death so I can live with you

You knew it was true
When I held you
There were no secrets
I believed it

So I will hold on
And if that's not what you're used to
Then I may refuse to
Hold off
maybe that's not what you're used to
How can I refuse you?�

• This is amongst my very favorite songs, yet I do not have it on CD nor can I find it on WinMx. If anyone would help me remedy that and get me this song somehow, I will love them forever.

Let's see...what have I done this week...

Thursday: Molly and I went a-protesting. I have slight nervous break down while on phone with Katy.
Friday: Found out one of my friends has ceased speaking to me because she is petty and childish and dosen't actually ASK me for the truth. Molly left for Colorado, Jaime shows up with her car which has an exploded tire in the trunk.
Saturday: Go to dinner with Katy, Sam, Rick, Tom, and Justin. Go to party after, then drive Katy and Sam home, then go to liquor store, return to party, proceed to get very very drunk, make peace treaty with Justin, have convo with Rick that I forgot but remember enough of so that when he told me how it went alter, i thought "Hell no..."
Sunday: Wake up uncomfortable, freezing, and hungover. Wake up Rick to drive me home cuz I need meds, go back to sleep once i get home, wake up, visit with Ka, eat dinner, get picked up by Andy and Will, go to Molly's house for Game Night with them, James, Chels, and Matt. Developed difficult problem.
Monday: Had dinner with parents, Jaime came over, then left to pick up Molly from airport, then both returned and we hung out for a bit til i got too tired and kicked them out.
Tuesday: Wake up early cuz of road work on street behind me, watched dawsons creek, consequently figured out answer to difficult problem.
Wednesday: Took Bernie to see The Princess Diaries 2, came home, ate dinner, went out with Molly. Came home, went online, talked to Tom for 2 hours.
Today: Did nothing. Seriously. I called Rick. I talked to Jaime. And I played computer games and slept. Seriously. Nothing.

This right here is me updating for the sake of updating, because I am bored and restless and need something to do...