AADA called me for an audition.
I am deleriously giddy.
To the point of insanity, really.
Now I have to find a place to stay cuz Viv isn't living in NYC anymore, and I have to talk to Rick about driving me...I hope he still can.

But that's all just details. In the grand scheme, all that matters is the fact that this is the singular best moment of my life...or at least, will be til I hear that im accepted...if I'm accepted, that is.
No time for negative thoguhts, tho... :)

So I was bored and snooping around the site, reading people's journals etc. And I found that there seems to be an influx of bitching about Kenmore ever since the drive-by on Victoria.
I, for one, have not lived here my whole life. I lived in Riverside. My parents made the descision to move to Kenmore after a. a man was stabbed outside the liquor store three doors down, b. our phone was tapped by our neighbors, and c. there was a gang shoot out directly in front of my house. All in one week.
So we moved.
And I have been trying to leave ever since.
Usually, I would be the first to join in and say how bad the town has gotten; but really, I don't see it that way.
Maybe because speeding and parking tickets REALLY ARE the biggest concern.

Think about it...dozens of crimes committed in city limits a year. Kenmore is faring well. I can hardly think of any...there was a couple gas station hold-ups, whatever the hell happened on west hazeltine sometime in the 90's, and oh, yeah, there was that horrible massacre on Mang in '85.
Alas, attimes such as these, no one counts their blessings. As for me, I am very good friends with someone who lives in the house that was shot at. I am amazingly grateful no one in that family was hurt, and I hope that all of this gets sorted out as quickly as possible. But I don't live in a bubble and I read the paper and watch the news, and I know that things like this unfortunatly happen, and it could have been worse.
So don't be so quick to define Kenmore as the "ghetto." I've lived in the ghetto, and I know people who wouldn't even call Riverside that. I have friends who grew up on the east side, I have friends from lovejoy and babcock, and that is the ghetto.
When there is more than one violent crime a year.
When there is NO Dollar General, just a bodega on the corner.
When there is no sidewalks, for that matter.
When there are no driveways, or sprinkler systems, or pools in the back yards, or flowers in front of the house, or food on the fucking dinner table.
That is the ghetto.

Show me a starving Kenmorite, I'll show you the world's greatest illusion.

• Note: My apologies for the fact that I snapped a little, but really my gripe all comes down to one thing. You know the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side?" Well, if you never stop to pay attention to the grass, it turns brown mighty quick.

hmm.
his whole thing makes me nervous...1. it was in kenmore, where we moved to get AWAY from shootouts near our house, 2. it was at my friend's house!
so i should of course be affected by all this.
i don't know.
after so many years of so much shit with kevin and his...erm...unfortunate living quarters, i guess i wasnt expecting anything anymore now that kev moved out of that house. but i guess it was naive to think that was the only possible crime like that to take place.
i don't know.

i'm miserable, and i don't feel well.

So I’m feeling a bit nauseated.

On a good note, I finally finished Dungeon Seige…which is probably the easiest game I’ve ever played, and thus was quite a disappointment.

On a…hmm…different note…
There was a drive-by in Kenmore last night.
Someone shot at Steve’s house.

James reports that Steve’s brother Kevin got in a fight with some kid, then the kid wanted to fight Kevin again and he said no, so the kid and his friends drove by their house last night and shot through the front window.
It was only one bullet, and no one was hurt…but it was bad.

And of course, my first thought was “Where was Kevin last night??� (Because that's always been the first thought, ever since I was about 14) My second thoguth was "Where was Dennis?" And Jaime calls me and says “It was Kevin.� And my heart dropped straight to my shoe. Of course, she then explained that we were talking about an altogether different Kevin, as opposed to my lovely quasi-brother.

And it made me think about the boys…you know, the ones that worry me so…Dan, Dennis, Todd, even Graeme and Mike…and Kevin. Kevin, whom I would die without.

As Jaime says, I’ll never be alone, I’ll always have Kevin.
The brother that God forgot.

Anyhoo…
I am so relieved no one was hurt. Especially Steve. This past year has been rough, and we have gone whole months without speaking, but at one time he was one of my best friends, and I still care very much. If he was hurt…well, I just don’t want to think about it.
After the situation last summer at the bus stop, I never really thought about what that all meant, and now I am…and it is making me sick.


Why do people act this way towards one another?

First of all, today sucked badly. And it shouldn’t have, due to good music, even better friends, and lots and lots of Guinness.
Alas, it was rotten.
I think we were all in a very “If you say another word, I’ll punch you in the face� mood.

Oh, and I SO HATE YOU right now. Of course, you don’t know who you are, and you probably won’t read this, but whatever.

Ok, that said, let me go on to my actual entry…

"Oh, I wish this mist would never lift--I wish I could just stay in it forever, hidden away from every living being. I don't see how I can go on with life. This summer has been so full. I never was lonely for a moment…�~ Lucy Maud Montgomery

AOL just kicked my ass, deleting not only my journal entry but a whole long conversation about sex and Nichols boys…guess who I was talking to about that one?
I liked this quote because it's true (and cuz it originates in the world of Green Gables.) Summer was not a lonely time. Now fall sets in, and so does the lonliness, and the lack of connection, and the general slow pace of life.
I wanted to write about summers past and patterns that repeat themselves, hence the quote. And I got thinking about it and I wanted to write about Dennis (Summer 97) and Nick (Summer 02) and even Mark (Summer 03).
But I can’t.
Damnit.
Because all I can think about is this summer.
I met a lot of new people--I was busy practically everyday--There was the Quad--Thus,
There was Katy,
And Aquila,
And Rick.
I became really close with Victoria--I became really distant with Nick--I hardly saw Kevin--I spent time with him and Todd, but that dwindled as summer went on--I was in a car accident--I had a lot of family issues--I stopped worrying about most things--I started worrying about a lot more pressing issues--I spent a lot of time with Molly--I never quite knew where I stood for a long time--I trusted more--I complained less--I heard a lot of good music--I saw same damn fine theatre--I missed Mike--And Mark--I hardly saw Jaime--I hardly thought of the past--I got more gutsy--I gave up scripts--I fell out of love with someone--And in love with another--I tore down walls--I took off masks--I surprised myself--I lost a lot of weight--I dyed my hair it’s natural color--I cut my hair--I found my muse--I made new friends--I got rid of old ones--I saw one of my best friends almost everyday--I wrote, a lot--I questioned authority, a lot--I got mad--I got fed up--I was sad--I ate a lot of meals at Pano’s-- missed Sahar so very much--I barely saw Dolores and I hated that--I talked to Dennis a lot--I had the best birthday I’ve had in a while--I found out some interesting things about myself--I finally made peace with my memories of Matthew--I cried a lot--I became more aware of the world outside the obvious--I spent a lot of time with Andrea--I spent a lot of time trying to improve myself--I quite smoking…for a week--I bid a lot of my friends farewell as they left for school--I decided to take a chance…or 1000 chances…..

It was a hell of a summer.
I always said that August 1997-July 1998 were the best 11 months of my life, and they were…if we’re going by the number 11. But this…this was the best 3.
Hands down.

Thinking about the past few months is strange, it’s a flurry of things…the beach, corndogs and nachos, molly’s apartments, the halls of Buff Sem, the stage at Nichols, Pano’s, Coffee&, Katy’s basement, Todd’s trampoline, Bob’s pinball machines, fishnets and corsets, the movie theatre, Harry Potter, putt-putt, swing dancing, Bush/Kerry, protests, Aquila’s front porch, that cursed apartment, band gigs, Doug’s house, nick’s graduation, punk rock, the corner of Potomac and Elmwood, family, Bernadette, veiled death threats, emo, bus rides, spot, parties, concerts, cunning plans, long conversations, profound thoughts, silliness in extremes, burger
k
ing, the end of Main St., health insurance policies, psychics and soul mates…

And despite all the angst and tears and fighting and craziness and emo-ness of so much this summer, in so many aspects of my life…I would not trade this.

It really was a kick-ass summer.

"I'll hold you if you feel you'll fall
I'll hold your hand if you just need a friend
I'll hold the line so you can call
I'll hold the feelings you don't want to end

You know that it's true
When I hold you
There'll be no secrets
I believe it

I'll hold your tears if you must cry
I'll hold your breath if that won't make you blue
I'll hold the truth if you must lie
I'll hold off choice till you know what to do

You know that it's true
When I hold you
There are no secrets
I believe it

So I will hold on
And if that's not what you're used to
Then I may refuse to
Hold off
if maybe that's not what you're used to
How can I refuse you?

I'll hold the train till you get on
I'll hold the mirror so you can fix your hair
I'll hold the pain till it is gone
I'll hold my ground when people stop and stare

You know that it's true
When I've held you
There are no secrets
You must believe it

I'll hold the beating of my heart
I'll hold my breath if you will tell me to
I'll hold the hope that we won't part
and I'll hold off death so I can live with you

You knew it was true
When I held you
There were no secrets
I believed it

So I will hold on
And if that's not what you're used to
Then I may refuse to
Hold off
maybe that's not what you're used to
How can I refuse you?�

• This is amongst my very favorite songs, yet I do not have it on CD nor can I find it on WinMx. If anyone would help me remedy that and get me this song somehow, I will love them forever.

Let's see...what have I done this week...

Thursday: Molly and I went a-protesting. I have slight nervous break down while on phone with Katy.
Friday: Found out one of my friends has ceased speaking to me because she is petty and childish and dosen't actually ASK me for the truth. Molly left for Colorado, Jaime shows up with her car which has an exploded tire in the trunk.
Saturday: Go to dinner with Katy, Sam, Rick, Tom, and Justin. Go to party after, then drive Katy and Sam home, then go to liquor store, return to party, proceed to get very very drunk, make peace treaty with Justin, have convo with Rick that I forgot but remember enough of so that when he told me how it went alter, i thought "Hell no..."
Sunday: Wake up uncomfortable, freezing, and hungover. Wake up Rick to drive me home cuz I need meds, go back to sleep once i get home, wake up, visit with Ka, eat dinner, get picked up by Andy and Will, go to Molly's house for Game Night with them, James, Chels, and Matt. Developed difficult problem.
Monday: Had dinner with parents, Jaime came over, then left to pick up Molly from airport, then both returned and we hung out for a bit til i got too tired and kicked them out.
Tuesday: Wake up early cuz of road work on street behind me, watched dawsons creek, consequently figured out answer to difficult problem.
Wednesday: Took Bernie to see The Princess Diaries 2, came home, ate dinner, went out with Molly. Came home, went online, talked to Tom for 2 hours.
Today: Did nothing. Seriously. I called Rick. I talked to Jaime. And I played computer games and slept. Seriously. Nothing.

This right here is me updating for the sake of updating, because I am bored and restless and need something to do...

WAR.

Three little letters. Harmless, right?
There’s a million different kinds of war. I will be focusing on three tonight. The war against terrorism. Inter-office war. And the war on drugs.

1. War Against Terrorism.
We all know what a load of bullshit I think this is. But that’s not what I'm writing for...Molly and I have, for once, joined our forces for good instead of evil. She is making a documentary for school and asked for my help. “Still Looking for a Superhero� is the name of it. The documentary will focus on misrepresentation in the media and general wartime propaganda, and how now it is at an all time high. Basically, it’s about how patriotism is the ultimate propaganda. Now, I am patriotic, I love my country, I love my rights and freedoms…I just think that if I see one more “Support our Troops� yellow ribbon bumper sticker, I’m going to vomit. It’s not that I don’t support the troops…quite the contrary. However, I do not fully support the cause they are fighting for, and I do not support the conditions they fight under, and I certainly don’t support the suppression of freedoms that the media uses to convey that we are all doing just fine…cuz we’re not, and they know it, and they’re keeping it from us. I DESPISE the repression of the obvious, which is why I agreed to help with this project.
So tomorrow we are going to an Anti-Bush rally (Symphony Circle, 4pm) to gather info…and scream about GWB.

2. Inter-Office War, AKA War Against Good Education
I talked to Jaime today. She saw Sharissa at the mall today and got a Sacred Heart update…and I am fucking furious. I must issue the disclaimer that I have not yet had the chance to check my source, but Sharissa is a pretty reasonable one, so this is all most likely true. In the course of my four years there, I had four amazingly invaluable teachers…in the sense that I don’t think there could possibly four teachers as good as these anywhere in the world. One, Mrs. Halm, taught me freshman lit, and she left the following year, so this has nothing to do with her. However…not only have Sr. Edith, Sr. Connie, Mrs. Shear, Mrs. Doherty, and Mrs. Sacalowski been “removed� one way or another from the school, but they are waging war against the three teachers I have left there. The demoted Maloney. They tried to get rid of Marcyann. They tried to get rid of V.
The latter of which they could have disposed of years ago but didn’t, because Connie knew that Sr. Terri was a nutcase. And now, here he is, having just faced being canned, and putting him self on the line…because he wants to be principal.
Yeah, Beans…you read that right…
My thoughts? Who the hell gets rid of the three best teachers a school has, and expects everyone to be cool about it? Apparently, those teachers that told me to stand up for what I believed in, are doing just that. And so will we.
So next Friday Molly and I are going in there with three objectives. 1. Try to get V to talk to her for the documentary. 2. Put in a request for my transcripts. 3. Find the “acting principal� and ask WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
This may seem stupid to most. But if the three people I credit most with my educational development are all on the verge of losing their jobs, after helping me, and countless others, navigate the halls of that hell-hole they call a school, well…damnit…I want to know why.

3. War Against Drugs
This is the most surprising thing today, even more than the whole SHA thing…
Everyone knows Doug, or knows of him. My relationship with Doug is a lot like mine and Katy’s, in that both are completely indefinable. He simply exists, as do I, and we simply care for each more than we would normally. So today, when I found out just where he has been for the past month, I almost cried, because I was so proud, and so happy.
Dougie just got back from rehab.
No more coke, no
m
ore smack, no more me being worried about him or ending up walking him down Main St. at 3am while he is half naked and singing. No more being afraid to have fun in case he needs help. No more babysitting.
No more.
Molly and I crashed band practice…for the first time since the original grouping of Lurid 5 years ago, I sat in on band practice. Nick and I were cordial, at best. Duane and I hung out a bit. I still hate Gabe. I met the new roommate.
And I almost tackled Doug when he told me where he had been.
When we left, this exchange took place:
“Are you coming back?�
“Tonight?�
“No, just in general. When are you coming back again, to hang out? I miss you.�
“Well, Molly is out of town this weekend so maybe next week.�
“If you can come sooner that would be cool.�
“I’ll see.�
::hugs me, kisses me, hugs me again::
“Stop by any time ok?�
“Ok. Hey…I’m really proud of you.�
“Thanks. That’s important to me.�
“Sober Doug is Good Doug.�
“Eh, well, you know...anyway, I'll see you later...love you.�
“I know. See you later.�

Like, I was almost doing cartwheels, I was so happy for him. Sober Doug is a good Doug, and I hope he stays that way.

So there’s my day.
And this: If you think you should be fighting for or against something, like truly in your heart feel it…do it. I guarantee that if you don’t, you’ll have a lifetime of regret. So fight to get what you truly want, no matter what it is. You might not get it, but then at least you can say you gave it your absolute best shot.

Peace.
~Brig

"Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation that under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindfuck America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.
Well maybe I'm the faggot America.
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda.
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.
Don't wanna be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information nation of hysteria.
It's going out to idiot America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you."~Green Day

What is this?

Last night I went on a rant to Katy about how I hated technology because my finger hurt. And I wrote something in here about that too a couple days ago.
Seriously though, I hate it right now.

I want to hear the phone ring. I want to hear the doorbell ring. I want real conversations with real people, where you can hear their voice or see their face or just connect to them in a way that isn't sterile and automated and generic and computerized...
I think it's because of the "easy" things, like email and instant messaging and such, that we lose touch with reality, and in turn, real people, thus destroying communication. For instance...can you hear a person laugh online? No, we type "lol," even if we don't actually "laugh out loud." We abbreviate a language that has evolved into this wonderful form of expression, and we turn it into a meaningless strand of letters to describe how we feel. It isn’t even WORDS.
It's all about hearing.
You can't hear a person laugh, you can't hear them cry, you can't hear their emotions, or the sarcasm in their voice, or the sadness, or excitement...all you see are words, beautiful as they are, but not holding as much meaning as they would were they coming out of someone’s mouth.
I know how hypocritical it is to write about this in my blog.
But I'll admit, I do it too.
This afternoon I was debating making a phone call, and decided I would just talk to the person online later...what is that?? I feel like I can't call a person, because it's so much easier to think thru what you're typing in an IM? It's the screw-ups and the stuttering and the Freudian slips that make things great, so why would you opt for a spell checker robot to help you be a real person?
I see this amongst my friends, especially lately. The lack of communication turns into misconceptions and then the next thing you know, arguments break out. And then everybody’s IM-ing everyone else with “WTF,� but nobody ever picks up the phone and calls someone and says “WHAT THE FUCK.�
Be angry, be happy, be sad, be silly, be depressed, be excited…but be it in person.

Ok. I think I'm done now.

Well.
That's that.
I made a decision.

After a 45 minute fight with the parentals, I finally got them to agree, given some guidelines.
1. I must make the trip to NYC on a very tight budget.
2. I must find a new shrink tomorrow and go see her diligently for one year.
3. I must find someone to take me to NYC, since while my parents support this, they don't want to have to deal with it.

So tomorrow I call Sacred Heart and D'Youville, and I need to find a personal reference, mail the application, and then schedule an audition date.

This is why I love my friends:
Victoria is letting me stay with her, may be writing me my dramatic reference, is on my ass about getting everythign in, and will no doubt help with my monolouges.
Rick is driving me to NYC.
Victoria is going to get Bill to let Rick stay with him.
Katy is my one-woman support group.
Jaime is taking my headshots.
Will has declared thqt he will do anything to get me to apply.
Even Duffy has urged me to do this.

So I am.

I'm scared. Really, really scared. But then, happy, too. Happy that I am finally doign something I have wanted to do since I was 14 and first heard of AADA. And now I'm actually applying there.
I don't know what I'll do if I get it.
Oy.

This entry has been about 3 days in the making.
There's a postcard in front of me with pictures of Kim Catrall, Adrian Brody, and Anne Hathaway on it. Everytime I look at it, part of me screams inside.
And that's what I've got to write about.

When I was 12, I was in a play at my school called The Dreamer. I played the Pharaoh. It was basically a much more religious version of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamer. I remember how surprised my mom was that I wanted to audition for it...I wasn't much of a talker and was always describes as shy, and this surprised her. I don't remember why I auditioned...I think it was because my 2 best friends at the time, Christina and Jill, were auditioning, too.
A year after I did that, I sat in the living room with my mom and quite unexpectedly blurted out that I wanted to be an actress. My mom laughed and blamed it on Jill, because she was the resident actress amongst the group. (If you're reading this, my apologies for my mother...) I tried to explain why I wanted this, but she didn't get it. Which I didn't understand. My mother still has her Senior play that she stared in at the Mount listed as one of her greatest experiences, and she married a theatre person herself. I remember her telling my dad my revelation, and he told me that it was nice to dream about, and even ok to do, but not to quit my day job. He told me to go get a nice solid background, for instance, teaching, and do theatre on the side.
So for the next two years I worked on absolutely nothing. Then two opportunities came up. The first was an Explorer post at the Buffalo Ensemble Theatre. My parents thought it would look good on college applications and encouraged me to join. This is where I not only developed my love of theatre, but met my allies in the world...inparticular, Katy, Michael, and Rose. In my junior year of high school, BET offered me the directorial position for a play called "Stolen Childhood," and I took it. Also that year, my school had a one-act play festival. I had always wanted to write a play, so I did. And I directed it too.
That was the beginning of the end.
You can't show someone their greatest desire, and then take it from them. My parents tried...my parents failed.
So I worked with BET for five years. I was Treasurer, then VP, then President and Junior Leader. It was my home away from home. I would still give anything just to do one more show there. But my masterpiece, so far, is the last I did there...it was called "Long December," and was about a boy and the girl who loved, and consequently, hated him as well. in other words, it was me and Michael. And it was written, directed, and produced by yours truly. And to this day I have the email he sent me after watching the tape saved to my computer, because nothing was ever better than his opinion of it. I could win a Tony tomorrow and it wouldn't mean nearly as much as that email from Mike did...
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Junior year I received a pamphlet from the American Academy of the Dramatic Arts, henceforth referred to as AADA. I kept it. Everything else got thrown out when I went to D'youville. But I kept that. Because I had a dream, and as my dad says, It's nice to have dreams...
In my Senior year, after 3 years of trying out for every play and musical at SHA and being rejected, I got a part in Stage Door. And that was when I finally realized how much I needed the whole thing.
Eventually I left SHA, I left BET, I did some work for D'Youville (where I was attending for...er...teaching. and then left cuz that was bullshit.) and The Virginia Shakespeare Company, and I started working for the Colloquial Theatre, which has just ended it's second season and is on hiatus until December. I worked on 5 of their 6 shows, and hope to do more. I want to start my own company, and perform my own work, which I intend
to
do this year...that is, if I find enough donors and actors and help in general.
But I love the theatre so much. I love writing plays. I love directing them.
But I am a whore for the spotlight.
When I'm on that stage...I never feel as good as I do then, and I doubt much could make me feel better.

But I found that info from AADA. And there's a part of me...a very old part of me that was shocked by how it felt to really be in the spotlight for the first time when i was 12, a part of me that never quite let go of the dreams Jill and I had of taking off to NYC or Hollywood after high school, the part of me that did a cartwheel when I got a part in Stage Door, the part of me that had a nervous breakdown during tech week and was magically healed by an opening night, the part of me that sacrificed my literal blood sweat and tears for BET...
That part of me is wondering: "What are you waiting for?"
And I honestly don't know.
Money? Yes, and no. Tuition, should I be lucky enough to worry about it, I could find a way to make work. I do need $50 for application fees and someone to take me to NYC for the weekend for an audition, but even that I can probably figure out. I do have some pretty fantastic friends and family.
Fear of rejection? It's there, but not like I would think. If I applied to AADA, it would only be applying there. There would be no pressure that I wouldn't get in anywhere, because that's it. If I didn't get in, what would change? Nothing. But I could say I did it.
Support? Hardly. I told my mom about it and she said "So do it." And shrugged and walked away, which, if you know my mom, is an incredibly positive reaction. Katy, despite her hatred of people leaving, wants me to. Victoria practically demanded I apply. Same with Rick.
I really want to.
But I am really going to need the support to do it. And I am going to need someone to go to NYC with me and calm me down before and after my audition. And I am going to need someone to hug me and let me cry if I don't get it. And I am going to need someone to dance around like a fool with me if I do.
Because after a while, no matter how much you want something, you become comfortable without it. And I am afraid that's what I am.
I don't know.

I talked to Vivie about it. And Katy. I should talk to Mike, and Rose. Then my 4 biggest theatrical influences would be covered.
I just don't know.

If anyone cares, please give me an opinion...should I stay or should I go?