Yay!
I got an email from Aquila saying that she is there and all is well...and that she was asleep when Rick and I were staking her house out at 4am.
So this made me happy.

Ka came for dinner, which was depressing, because she wanted to play Uno but she forgot how. we used to play this all the time and i never really thought she'd forget how. mom and doctors and stuff keep saying she's getting better but i don't really believe them...
I'd rather not talk about that.

After dinner I went swing dancing with Matt, Julia, Kate P., and a couple of their friends, and that was deffly fun. Mostly Julia and I stood outside screaming about stupidity.
"It's the apartment...it has to be. It breeds stupidity. We need to stop falling in loe with boys in that apartment."~Me
"Maybe it's the sheets. You know that commercial about the bed sheets, with the whole 'youre sleeping in body soil' thing?? Maybe it's like that. Maybe it's in the sheets..."~Kate P.

It was a pretty good evening. Felt good to blow off a weeks worth of steam...

I'm tired now. Dancing makes me sleepy. I should dance more. I still can't believe i went to bed at 11:30 last night and woke up at 1. i havent slept that long in almost a year. so i think i will finish my online nonsense and go watch the rest of AiA and then get soem sleep.
and dad taped "something the lord made" for me, too. which i must say, anything alan rickman is always the high point of the day.

unless there's pudding, of course.

I was told to go inside the house, go to sleep, and not go online or write...at all.
I don't take direction well.

So...today...
today was...um, there is no word. the best i've got is craptastic.

i woke up, tlaked to katy, fell asleep, woke up, tlaked to aquila, fell asleep, woke up, ate toast, watched part of angels in america, updated journal, watched more AiA, worked on my play and discovered that the unfinished first act is already, like, 58 pages. i took a bath cuz my back hurt, then a shower cuz i hate after-bath residue, then i got dressed and made aquila's present, then found out my parents threw out my warped tour ticket, and then went to pick up katy.
we drove to aquila's, there was extensive tears when katy foudn out keela isn't coming back til thanksgiving, for which she will be in boston, thus they wont see each other til christmas. we walked to the tropical bakery and got these thingys with meat and cheese in them, which were good, then went back to keelas, where katys mom picked her up and they said goodbye.
then we went to aquila's friend rachels house and had birthday cake, and hung out there until her mom called yelling, and rick showed up around 11:30. so we said our goodbyes in the street in front of her house, and i tried my hardest not to cry. and so she went inside, and that was that.
rick and i get in the car and he suggests a movie so we drive to regal, which is closed by now, then to putt-putt to play arcade games. that killed about a half hour. so we went to the apartmemt and woke up lillis, and hung out there for a bit, then went to pano's, then back to the apartment where we disscussed various theatrics and toms unfortunate love life, thus leading us both to realize we have never written a happy ending. i said i don't believe in happy endedings (i believe in mediocre ones) and rick started fighting with me about that. in fact, most of the evening was us bickering. so then we left and got in a fight about the proper use of the word "miniature" until i felt like my brain was about to explode. so at 4am we found ourselves outside keela's house, car seats pulled all the way back, attempting to both fall asleep and be alert enough to notice if she came out of the house. mostly we just talked and observed her family loading the car. then it was about 4:30, and we realized that sleep was nessecery as we were both about to pass out, and said goodbye to the front of her house and then left.
in the car on the way home, i started crying. and then suddenly i hear "and i make you smile, its like a drug for you, do whatever you wanna do, coming over you. keep on smiling what we go thru...etc." and i look and realize that is not in fact the radio but rick singing to cheer me up.
and i cried more, because i remembered the other reason i was upset.
whats strange is that I REMEBERED i was upset. there had been several references to suh things throughout the night, but it was mostly me irritating him for the sake of irrtating him. all in all...i had a relativly good time, despite the sadness at keela's departure. i never thought that rick and i could comfortably hang out minus the quad after all the shit that happened. apparently, i was wrong. (perhaps i shouldn't have the words "i was wrong" in black and white solid proof....) so then we got to my house, i was ordered to go straight to bed and not go online, and that brings us to now.

the past few days have been so insane, that i don't even have the word processing ability to adaquatly express my feelings about everything right now.

all i have to say is that i am amazed by the saying "when it rains, it pours."
I swear we came up with that line in one of our former lives.

so here stands music to express my thoughts, more or less.
my head hurts.

<i>"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here out
si
de your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die..."


"Go if you want to
I never tried to stop you
Know there's a reason
For all of this you're feeling...
Me I don't show much
Its not that hard to hide you...
I couldn't ever love you more
I couldn't love you more...
You want me to cry and play my part
I want you to sigh and fall apart
We want this like everyone else
Stay if you want to
I always wait to hear you...
Couldnt ever love me more
I couldn't love you more
You want me to lie not break your heart
I want you to fly not stop and start...
Maybe we didn't understand
Not just a boy and a girl
Its just the end of the
end of the world
Me i don't say much
Its far too hard to make you
See in a moment
I still forget just how to
Be...
I couldn't ever love you more..."</i>


also....
I can think of about 1000 reasons this song should be on the next quad mix cd. of all the depressing love songs in the world that apply to us, i think this one does everyone the most justice.

<i>"Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time
Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call
Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd
Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall
Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her
Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time."</i>

Well today was boring, and thus I am bored, so I'm writing for the sake of writing.

I woke up and went to Kaufmans to get my ticket for Warped Tour. Then I went to Tops to buy food for the dinner I'm cooking tomorrow. I'm making this Hawaiian pork thingy with bacon, pinapple, and onions, sweet and sour rice, grilled veggies, mandarin salad, and casada cake. After that i went to rehearsal, where I sat thru the entire run-thru of No Exit, then left. Rather, fled. I couldn't keep a straight face anymore. It's not that it's bad...it's not the actors...or the tech.
It's the whole damned thing.
So I went on a very "Damn you mike amico" streak for a bit (haha im good at those.) and then went home, never to see it again.
Tomorrow is the final Quad dinner.
And then we're going to lasertron cuz Keela has never been. And then friday we're going to say goodbye to her, and at 4am on saturday morning, she leaves.

I most deffly never thought I would be this sad.

I can't wait until next Friday, when I'm finally done with all of this craziness, and can go to Beth's and build a fire and sit around and drink a glass of wine and just hang out.

And then, of course, the next day i need to get cracking on this fundraiser. If there are any actors out there who would like to preform a monolouge or scene or read a poem for absolutely no pay but plenty of gratitude, please email me.

That's all. i'm gonna go eat some popcorn and watch a movie. Adios...
type

BETH GOT FULL CUSTODY!!!!

It's a beautiful day...

The downside tho is that Bill has court appointed visits every weekend for the next month, then Dolly has to go to his house for a couple months every weekend, then he gets he over night every other weekend. So that sucks, because in my humble opinion that shithead should not be allowed with in a 5 mile radius of either of them. (Such anger, such animosity...) I hate Bill. I think he's the only person in the world that I actually truly hate.
Plus, his girlfriend is due on Sept. 11...he can't take care of the one he's got but he'll take care of this one...

I would say that Bill should never be allowed to reproduce.
But then, I wouldn't have my Bunny, now would I?

I don't see her as much as I want to. My schedule and Beth's confilct so badly, that it's only more proof that timing is my worst enemy. But alas, there is still no one on the planet that I love as much as her.
I will never forget that day in the hospital when she was born. I wil never foget how completely DISGUSTING the whole thing was, and how I just kept chanting over and over "I'm never having kids I'm never having kids I'm never having kids..." And Beth, sitting there, squeezing my hand and laughing at me despite her contractions. And then I saw her head, and her shoulders, and her hands, and her belly, and her legs, and her feet, and her toes, and she was screaming and crying and kicking, but she was SO beautiful.
And now she's all bumps and bruises and sticky hands and dirty feet and all the other things that come with being 2 years old...and she is still SO beautiful.
And when she opened her eyes and looked at the three of us standing there dumbstruck, I cried. I cried because I knew in my heart that even tho Bill was standing right there, he wasn't going to be there forever. I cried because Beth had all these plans that had to be put on hold. I cried because I WASN'T going to have a kid.
But then Beth turned her towards me and said, "And this is your Aunt Brigid..." and I cried because at that moment, none of that mattered.
When it comes to her, nothing else ever matters.

Beth wants me around more, and I want to be around more. I am most likely going to be watching her on Monday mornings this fall, since the day care place can't take her then. And I volunteered to take her for the night so that Mike and Beth can have an actual date for the first time in...oh...9 months??
And Beth mentioned buying an apartment.
And suggested maybe <i>we</i> should get an apartment.
And I am aware of the responsibility, and I have been since she was born, and more so since Beth asked me to be Godmother. If anything ever happens to Beth...
instant child.
And all these thoughts flodded me when she brought this up. Mostly along the lines of "im 21, ill have less of a life than i do now, she crys all the time, it'll be like living with bernie all over again..."
but as i said before, when it comes to her, nothing else ever matters.

Beth can't move out now, so we're thinking of this in terms of a year from now. Dosen't solve my current living situation, but at least it's something to look into.
I think that if I got to see Dolores every day, my life would be complete.
I could not possibly love her anymore.



(Beth and Dolores after her Baptism last year.)

"I've got sunshine on a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside I've got the month of May.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl
Talkin' 'bout my girl
I've got so much honey, the bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl
Talkin' 'bout my girl
I don't need no money, fortune, or fame.
I've got all the riches baby one man
c
an claim.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl..."

These are some pictures from Colloquial Theatre's AMAZING production of The Rocky Horror Show:



This is Andy, who played Frank-N-Furter, and his scary eye makeup.



This is our vocal mistress Julia interveiwing our director, Victoria.



Matt and Andy...er...Rocky and Frank...share a moment.



The phantoms and Aquila prior to the Vigin Sacrifice.



This is me, Julia, Katy, Aquila, Rick, and Ashley hanging out backstage before the show.



This is the cast doing the time warp at a car wash in front of Value Home Centers.



And finally, the cast, band, and crew of Rocky Horror:
Standing, left to right:
Will, Naomi, Karl, Julia, Kate P., Wendy, Jessica, Erica, Ashley, andy, Katy D., Lexie, Alex, Katie MD, Justin, Katie G., Me, Victoria, Tom.
Sitting, left to right:
Emilia, Katy S., Matt, Aquila, Bill, Anna, Rick

It's amazing how much I miss them all sometimes.

So I finally got the hang of the scanner today, so I'm going to bore you all with some pictures...



This is the infamous Quad. Left to right: Katy, Me, Rick, Aquila.



This is Mad Yellow Sun, the band that will probably give me an ulcer before I'm 25. Left to right: Dwayne, Gabe, Doug, Nick



Jaime, Molly, and me at Graduation a couple years ago.



Todd on a tuesday night.



Me, Kevin, and Dan at Kev's b-day.

Ok, that's enough for now. I'll probly put some of the ones from RHS in here later.

OH!
And I heard on the radio that 102.1 is broadcasting live from the Cure concert, so eve if I can't go, I can hear it!! YAY!!

Oh, the powers of wonder twins...I wrote this whole entry out on Word while mom was on the phone, and then right before I was going to post it i Katy's journal. and i gotta say, i got a little freaked out.
ok, im lying.
i read it, then i re-read mine, then i had a panic attack.
because sometimes the way we think alike is so scary.

so before i copy and paste this all in here, I just want to say this. I have those same nightmares, I have those same terrible memories, but I wouldnt change it either, because the past month has been different because of it, and in this case, different dosen't nessecerily mean bad.
so here is my entry.

it's been a month, now.
There's been a lot on my mind....medicaid, SSI, my mom, jaime, todd, kevin, duffy, the Quad, DQP, Colloquial my friends going back to school...lotsa stuff in general.
But tonight there's really only one thing on my mind, and that's how incredibly grateful i am to have seen this past month.
What if i hadn't? What if it had been different, and so much worse? It could have been so much worse.
But "what if's" get you nowhere fast, and thinking about it only depresses me more. So instead of analyzing and thinking and driving myself nuts, I'll just say what I haven't had the chance to.
now, you know I'm not typically a very religious person, but...
Thank you, God.

Thank you for my cousin, who never meant to put us in harms way, who never meant to hurt us ever. Thank you for giving him the good sense not to have blown off that stop sign or gone too fast in that rain. Thank you for making him brave enough so that even when he wanted to break down and cry i that emergency room, he still had the strength to hug me and tell me it would be ok. Thank you for making him into someone I consider a brother, because we are that in every sense...we bicker and fight like fools but I always love him at the end of it. Thank you, God, for Duffy.

Thank you for Katy, who has shown more strength in the face of adversity in the past month than anyone I have ever known. Thank you for keeping her as safe as you possibly could, thank you for not taking her from me, thank you for being there when I prayed for you to give me strength for her. Thank you for bringing us together in the first place, and for making her my little sister and best friend. She is the Diane to my Anne always, and if there's one thing I am most grateful for, it is her. There are very few (if any) in this world that I have loved more than her. Thank you, god, for Katy.

Thank you for Aquila, who always tries to keep a smile on her face, and who still managed to make me laugh at the hospital despite situation. There were very few people I could have tolerated that night, and I am so grateful that Aquila was there, even if it was just so that she could stand there next to me so I wasn't alone. I am SO amazingly, eternally thankful she was not in the car with us at the time, and I am so glad that we have become such good friends because I don't remember what it was like without her in my life. Thank you, God, for Aquila.

Thank you for Rick, who wanted to leave work and rush to the hospital despite Keela's reassurance that everything would be fine. THANK YOU for not letting him have been with us. Thank you for giving him the strength to put up with me calling him crying at 4am and also for putting up with the three of us being AMAZINGLY emo the next day. Thank you for making him into this person that is determined to make the whole world feel better, because at that time, I definitly needed that. Thank you for sending us someone who cares so much about others. Thank you, God, for Rick.

Thank you for my Dad, who calmed my mother down enough to get ut the door and drive to Children's hospital in the middle of the night, only to have to put up with Sue, Terry, and Aquila's mom. (We all know how dad is when confronted with either famil
y
or people he dosen't know.) Thank you for giving him the ability to make my mother relax despite the fact he had to call her three times because she wasn't getting enough information. Thank you for the fact that he knew EXACTLY waht to say to me to get me to leave the hospital that night. Thank you, God, for my Dad.

And thank you for what you gave me. Thank you for making me stay as calm as I could, though inside I was a mess. Thank you for keeping me quiet even tho I wasnted to scream. Thank you for helping me to handle everything despite the fact I could barely handle myself. Thank you for giving me such amazing friends and family. thank you for the Quad, whom I love with all my heart. Thank you for not letting it have been worse.
Because it could have been worse.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Oh how I have a headache...
I've been working non-stop for the past two days, and I forgot how exhausting the whole thign was. When I was doing Vivie's shows, there was never this much pressure...I guess it's true that you can be your own worst boss. But it's my company, and it brings out the perfectionist in me.
I got an email from Matt today, and that made me happy. He is somewhere on the West COast currently, and will be home next week and wants to do somehting. I feel terrible cuz I promised I would go dancing with him and it's on the same night as the closing of No Exit.
Bah.
But more happy things, hmm...
Meg is home from Washington DC and wants to get together for lunch.
Kevin called me, so I know he isn't dead cuz I was starting to wonder.
Katie C. from SHA imed me...haven't talked to her in forever.
And yesterday was the Quad's 1 month anniversary, and i went to coffee& with aquila, then went to see rick at his apartment, but there was no quality katy time. We were gonna have that big dinner at my house, but Kate had to work. Now I don't think we're doing anything...1. because she's busy all this week. 2. because im doing tech for NE all next week.
::pout::
then aquila leaves on the 14th...but I don't really want to think about that.

Colloquial Theater Presents

Cabaret
Directed by Benjamin Gaetanos

Featuring Bill Griffin, Victoria Tonge, Kristin Napoli, Matt Kubus, Steve Brachmann, Andrea Martorana, Kevin Zak, Anna Marszalkowski, Beth Curvin, Cristiana Curcio, Kelsey Wahl, and Mollie Riester

Ujima’s TheaterLoft
545 Elmwood Avenue
Buffalo, NY

Thursday, August 5 at 8:00 PM
Friday, August 6 at 8:00 PM
Saturday, August 7 at 2:00 PM and 8:00 PM

All Tickets: $10
Call 716-208-5001

Ooh. Fun. Colors.typetype[size=m]type[/size]

ok, so my company is going to have a Monolouge/Poetry Reading sometime in the next month.
So here I am, whoring myself out, and wonderig if there's anyone out there who happens to read this who would be interested in either preforming or helping out?
If so, email DramaQueen Productions at dramaqueen_productions@yahoo.com