Tomorrow, the man that I loved for over ten years is getting married. He's marrying someone who got pregnant accidentally/ on purpose just to get him to stop dragging his feet. She got pregnant and he fell into line, buying the house she'd been wanting and getting her the ring that she'd been not-so-subtly hinting at. I have no doubt in my mind that had she not gotten pregnant, they still would not be engaged. And now, I have to get over my hatred of her and my love for him. I will always love him. My feelings for him are fully incorporated in my brain chemistry, alas. But, I have a great capacity to love and now, as I say goodbye I have no doubt that I will find someone else, a man who loves me as much as I am capable of loving him. The time to move on is now.

I genuinely hope that he and his wife and son will be happy. I send my love and my best to them all tomorrow. I think I've finally, FINALLY managed to let go and for that, I am grateful! :) Now it's my turn to find my love that time will lie down and be still for.

I loathe exercising. I enjoy taking walks and I like to do things outside. I used to play tennis. But I have to say that I really and truly despise "working out." I don't really see anything enjoyable in it except for when I stop. I do get a sense of accomplishment when I push myself and finish and then I think, "Awesome! I did that!" But, I get that same feeling when I finish crafting and much less sweat and effort is involved. The things I do for Roller Derby!

I can honestly say that the *ONLY* reason that I'm putting myself through all of this right now is because, yes, I am going out for Roller Derby. For the past 2 Sundays, I've been working my ass off at Roller Derby Boot Camp in the hopes that I will be a Queen City Roller Girl. Other than wanting to get in better shape so that I can skate in bouts of derby, there is nothing that could induce me to run/ walk, do push-ups, crunches, planks, leg lifts w/ my skates on, side crunches, plus practicing foot work and various skating stops. I must be mental! I'm hoping (fingers crossed!) that all of this work, and pain, and aggravation, will be worth it!

Don't know if this is going to get any easier, but, Christ, I hope it does!

I'm probably being maudlin. It has been known to happen. I just don't know what to do. I'm falling for someone, probably have already fallen, for an old friend. He and I have had this round about-ness in our relationship, well, forever. We honestly should have dated at least 4 times over the last decade or so, but it just never worked out. And then last year, all because of a library book, I ran into him again.

The thing about this library book is that I was going to return it, twice & instead of returning it, I kept renewing it, until I finally broke down & read it. On the day that it was due this final time, I ran into him at the library, which, in turn, renewed our friendship.

Now, he is rather a capricious man. I know this, have known this and had learned to accept this from him. Pretty much, I would check in, keep tabs on him, & he would surprise me from time to time. We began to get close, seriously close, to the point where I thought that we might actually start dating, but once again, things took a turn. He had been sick, feeling really, really shitty. They thought he had Mono. He pulled back. We had the whole, "I'm not ready to date right now," chat. I barely talked to him for months. I had not seen him since Christmas.

I promised him once that I would keep on texting him and calling the random phone call just so that he wouldn't forget that *someone* gave a shit about him. Finally, he called me back. He admitted that he had been avoiding me, that he was afraid to call me. And then he dropped the bomb. He's Sick, really ill, with something that could kill him.
He admitted that he was grateful for me and our friendship and that he loved me. Although, I felt suckerpunched, I can't begin to comprehend what he's been going through.

Now, afterall of this, because of THAT conversation, we've managed to, at this time, cut through the bullshit. Last night we went out on what was most definitely a Date, an actual date, not the non-date date that I was originally classifying it. It's insane. We're in a place where we admit how we feel about each other, we really, REALLY enjoy each other's company, & now, well, it's all fucked up. It's the best relationship that I don't think I can ever have. God's sense of humor, well, let's just say I find it Sorely lacking right now. :(

I once heard an Episcopal Deacon friend of mine say that trying to organize a large group of clergy and get them some place on time is like herding cats. I laughed very hard when I heard that statement. I can honestly say that trying to organize a group of Episcopal 20's & 30's causes pretty much the same feeling.

I never, *NEVER* thought of myself as a type A personality and then I became the leader of my church's 20's & 30's group. It is this group that brings out more of my control freak tendencies than almost anything else that I've ever done. Yes, I am a control freak and, generally, I'm happiest just getting shit done myself because then I'll *know* that it's done and it's done as it's going to get. Even as a teacher, however, I'm getting pretty good about delegating and trusting that it's going to get done. I've been trying this whole delegating things with my church peeps and they're driving my fucking crazy!!! They say they're going to do things and then they don't!!! Either I'm just going to do everything my freaking self, which means that I probably *won't* be the leader for very long, or I'm going to turn into a raging bitch until everything gets done! I suppose I could try going for that whole Southern Sweetness but I'm not from the South and don't think I could pull it off for very long. Hmmm... Frankly, I'm at a loss. I'm just kind of sick of the disappointment, you know? I know they all have lives, but so do I and I would like a weekend where I don't have to worry about things that I shouldn't have to worry about, but am. *Sigh* And so it is... Have a lovely weekend, E-Peeps!

Forever and a day. I'll admit that I have been a very bad E-Stripper. I shan't promise to be be better about it. I know that I probably won't be. At least you're always here... It's comforting, you know.

Right now, I'm feeling generally disconcerted. I hate that feeling. I spent almost 9 hours at my church today, prepping and cooking for a reception that's tomorrow afternoon. A reception that I feel got dropped in my lap after I tried to get a straight answer about it over 2 weeks ago. Anyway, thanks to Diartiste, well, she and I managed to get a great deal done and whether or not the others, who are supposed to be helping me, actually help me or not, I *should* be okay. I use that word loosely. It's pretty bad when one cannot trust "friends" from church to be trustworthy and reliable...

And on top of all of this, I have lesson plans to do and materials to create.

A depression seems to be lurking... Hmmm... Is it the Gin that I'm drinking or the pressure that I'm feeling or something else all together different...? I just don't know.

I have missed you, E-strip. :) Thanks for being here!