Hope is a bitch of an emotion. I get caught up in it. Hoping for... something, which leads to expectations and that is always dangerous. The reality is never what I hope for and then I am, once again, disappointed. Unfortunately, I seem to be hard-wired to be hopeful. I cannot seem to learn. :/

Paid off my 4th credit card yesterday! It was my largest balance and I had been paying on it for just over 2 years & now, FINALLY!, it is PAID OFF!!! That makes 4 paid off this year. 2 more to go & those will be paid off August 25th & September 7th, respectively. Plus, in 2 weeks, I sign up for the First Home Buyers Club so I will officially start saving for my house! Feels pretty damn good, I must say myself. Have a peach of a day E-strippers! Try & keep cool.

Yep, I'm definitely going to San Francisco. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'm tired of regretting what I *haven't* done! So, my trip is booked and I will be going to San Fran. on August 17th- just for a weekend. San Francisco! I can't wait to see the city! And, I have to admit, I can't wait to see the guy that lives there, too, but I'm more excited about the city! I'll let you know how it goes, E-peeps...

These are the thoughts in my head. They go round and round and round until I feel like I'm going to scream. I perseverate and analyze and drive myself, generally crazy. Right now I'm trying to find my way around my future- immediate, almost immediate, a year distant, and God knows beyond that.

Immediate future- pretty much have decided to end the relationship w/ my "Special Friend." Reason, he's not into me, not really. It was, on one level, working, but for the rest of my many levels, it's really not. I'm not angry or upset about this. It has run it's course, come to it's ending and just is.

Almost immediate future- moving to a Spending Money Cash Only basis. I suck with money. Always have. I have decided that from henceforth, I will use my debit card to pay bills and to buy gas for all other purposes, I can only use cash. I get weird with actual money. I get almost stingy. With my debit card, I don't pay attention to what I'm spending and get into hot water. On the upset of financial news, soon to have paid off 4 credit cards! & 2 more will be paid off by September 7. Also, next month, I'm going to set up my First Home Buyers Savings Account!

Almost Immediate future (cont'd)- this has to do w/ a person. I am hoping to go and visit someone who lives in San Francisco. Is this my wisest move? Probably not considering our history. How do you trust the guy that you slept with who didn't tell you he was married until 2 months AFTER? We have Insane chemistry & now, he's divorced. I very much want to go see him... trying to figure out how I'm going to afford it. It's all very confusing.

A year distant- This is related to the First Home Buyer's Savings Account- finding the perfect house for me, in the City of Buffalo. At least, I think I'm going to buy in the City. Things could change, drastically, and this is the thought that plagues me...

Ug, I just wish I could look into a Crystal Ball and get all of the answers. Clarity would be beautiful. See, my thoughts really do go round and round and where they'll stop, I don't know!

Lately, I've been on this mission- pay off old debts. When I was substitute teaching for four years, I was in financial dire straights. When I was still working for the bank and had a regular paycheck that could be relied upon, my credit was really good, I paid my bills on time (for the most part) and everything was honkey dorey. When I left the financial security for the obscurity of substitute teaching- a necessary evil if you actually plan on getting a teaching job here in WNY- well, all of that crumbled and every credit card that I had went down the creek. At this current space in time, I am in the process of repairing all of that mess. I have a teaching job that is, seemingly, secure and so I am now fixing what I screwed up. I will have 4 of them paid off by the end of June, another by the end of August and the last paid off, hopefully, in September. I don't know if I would have been so keen on fixing my debacle in such short order if it hadn't dawned on me that I would really like to own my own home. In order for me to do that, I have to fix my credit. I am, in fact, finally striving to be an Adult- face my fears and fix my messes! Hopefully, I'll be able to buy my own house within the next year and I am hoping to find that house in the city. It was a sad, sad moment when I realized that what I pay in gas for my car could actually pay a mortgage! Fingers crossed, e-strippers, that I will be able to keep my focus and not get side tracked by inanities! In the past, I have always been my own worse saboteur!