My least favorite question in the world- Why are you still single? Or it's cousin, How are you still single? I don't f@#$-ing know!!!! This question is almost always followed by, "You're so great (wonderful, awesome- pick your own adverb and insert)!" I know people mean well when they ask this question, but it really stings, particularly when it's coupled w/ rejection from a "special friend" no matter how good the excuse, and the knowledge that that guy that I was crazy in love with for so long is in town this weekend and I will be seeing him on Sunday. (Admittedly, there might also be some early PMS seeping into this equation) Anyway you look at it, it's not a good combination and I feel, well, rather low. :( I am not happy. I feel rather like Bridget Jones in the first movie, at the dinner party with the smug marrieds. I hate that feeling. I think I need to stop watching the "Say Yes to the Dress" marathon on TLC. It's not helping.

I have a blind date tonight. That's right, the night of previous entry's wedding, I have a blind date with a guy named Cheese. Apparently, his real name is Matt. He's a ginger. He's friend's with my friend's boyfriend. We shall see how this goes... I'm mildly optimistic! Keep your collective fingers crossed for me E-Peeps! :D

Tomorrow, the man that I loved for over ten years is getting married. He's marrying someone who got pregnant accidentally/ on purpose just to get him to stop dragging his feet. She got pregnant and he fell into line, buying the house she'd been wanting and getting her the ring that she'd been not-so-subtly hinting at. I have no doubt in my mind that had she not gotten pregnant, they still would not be engaged. And now, I have to get over my hatred of her and my love for him. I will always love him. My feelings for him are fully incorporated in my brain chemistry, alas. But, I have a great capacity to love and now, as I say goodbye I have no doubt that I will find someone else, a man who loves me as much as I am capable of loving him. The time to move on is now.

I genuinely hope that he and his wife and son will be happy. I send my love and my best to them all tomorrow. I think I've finally, FINALLY managed to let go and for that, I am grateful! :) Now it's my turn to find my love that time will lie down and be still for.

I loathe exercising. I enjoy taking walks and I like to do things outside. I used to play tennis. But I have to say that I really and truly despise "working out." I don't really see anything enjoyable in it except for when I stop. I do get a sense of accomplishment when I push myself and finish and then I think, "Awesome! I did that!" But, I get that same feeling when I finish crafting and much less sweat and effort is involved. The things I do for Roller Derby!

I can honestly say that the *ONLY* reason that I'm putting myself through all of this right now is because, yes, I am going out for Roller Derby. For the past 2 Sundays, I've been working my ass off at Roller Derby Boot Camp in the hopes that I will be a Queen City Roller Girl. Other than wanting to get in better shape so that I can skate in bouts of derby, there is nothing that could induce me to run/ walk, do push-ups, crunches, planks, leg lifts w/ my skates on, side crunches, plus practicing foot work and various skating stops. I must be mental! I'm hoping (fingers crossed!) that all of this work, and pain, and aggravation, will be worth it!

Don't know if this is going to get any easier, but, Christ, I hope it does!

I'm probably being maudlin. It has been known to happen. I just don't know what to do. I'm falling for someone, probably have already fallen, for an old friend. He and I have had this round about-ness in our relationship, well, forever. We honestly should have dated at least 4 times over the last decade or so, but it just never worked out. And then last year, all because of a library book, I ran into him again.

The thing about this library book is that I was going to return it, twice & instead of returning it, I kept renewing it, until I finally broke down & read it. On the day that it was due this final time, I ran into him at the library, which, in turn, renewed our friendship.

Now, he is rather a capricious man. I know this, have known this and had learned to accept this from him. Pretty much, I would check in, keep tabs on him, & he would surprise me from time to time. We began to get close, seriously close, to the point where I thought that we might actually start dating, but once again, things took a turn. He had been sick, feeling really, really shitty. They thought he had Mono. He pulled back. We had the whole, "I'm not ready to date right now," chat. I barely talked to him for months. I had not seen him since Christmas.

I promised him once that I would keep on texting him and calling the random phone call just so that he wouldn't forget that *someone* gave a shit about him. Finally, he called me back. He admitted that he had been avoiding me, that he was afraid to call me. And then he dropped the bomb. He's Sick, really ill, with something that could kill him.
He admitted that he was grateful for me and our friendship and that he loved me. Although, I felt suckerpunched, I can't begin to comprehend what he's been going through.

Now, afterall of this, because of THAT conversation, we've managed to, at this time, cut through the bullshit. Last night we went out on what was most definitely a Date, an actual date, not the non-date date that I was originally classifying it. It's insane. We're in a place where we admit how we feel about each other, we really, REALLY enjoy each other's company, & now, well, it's all fucked up. It's the best relationship that I don't think I can ever have. God's sense of humor, well, let's just say I find it Sorely lacking right now. :(