there is this girl in my block this semester and she is the sweetest, prettiest, kindest person. i have gotten to know her a bit as we have done a few projects together but it was mostly just superficial type stuff. i kinda spilled my guts to her the other day about some stuff going on with me and she was so nice to listen. today in class, she gave me the saddest face when i told her stuff wasn't going so well. she looked liked she was about to cry.

we started talking about the summer and she is going on this amazing 6 week trip to europe with her family. i think that is so cool. then she told me about her little sister and it really amazed me how strong this girl is. her sister was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 2 yrs ago and just passed in december. you would never guess how much she is going though because she i always so happy and positive.

i can't even say how much i admire her strength. she makes a huge effort to be a good person and even though she is going through a lot, she still reaches out to others in need. it puts my situation into perspective. what i am going through is nothing like that...

i feel like the earlier part of my 20's was focused so much on silly things... there is a lot i just put away and didn't deal with and now it's haunting me.

anyway, my friend was telling me about how she can't stand to be alone and everyone deals with grief differently. i would say i'm the same as her. i just become a huge mess of tears and emotion and need to be around people that love me.

i feel like it makes me a bad person that the father who i found is alive and living in CO two years ago... i wish he was dead. i know i have to go face him but it scares me. i guess i feel like i can't move on with my life until i at least try. it's like i am mourning the loss of the father who was never there.

anyway, i have this giant paper, a video to make, another paper, a presentation, three finals, and some other make-up work all to finish by tuesday...

and two very important interviews tomorrow, plus my internship.

ummm... start with the resume???

I have been having the worst day. Worst week. Worst month.


Today kinda set me over the edge. To top it all off I was drving around the parking lot @ asu and couldn't find a space. when I finally found a great spot the guy was was parked there gets out of his car and comes up to my car. I opened the door and said "what" in my typical bitch voice and he gives me his parking pass good for all day! What a sweetheart, total cutie too. I need to start being less scary and mean. That boy made my day!

i want one so badly, but i don't think i'm going to get one.

you would think my mother would understand what a tough time i'm going though and she'd be thoughtful right? wrong.

where is (e:hodown) when you need her? oh yea, she's off in nyc working my dream job.

i also woke up feeling kind of sick.

i am considering getting my own basket... i also would like to color eggs. i feel like no one cares about holidays when there are no childers around. I am an adult child, who needs to be treated like a child.

where is the baby when you need her?

on another note, i can't believe the semester is almost over. i also can't believe that i have done surprisingly well considering the insane amounts of work i was required to do, while working f/t.

i am currently doing some evaluation of my life, and i think i need to cut back on work and luxury in favor of maintaining my health and sanity. i need to learn how to just relax... i feel like i have the need to fill up every second of the day with something and it's making me crazy...

the things i can't discuss are still going on, but i feel more prepared to cope with them now... plus i'm being very proactive about taking care of myself!

happy easter peeps!

I love Buffalo because now that I no longer live there I can go and just be a visitor. Right now, I would love to visit and see my family and friends because I swear I'm about to peace out on AZ for good.

This semester has basically been one giant bundle of stress and confusion and the past two weeks have basically sent me over the edge. I'm dealing with so many things right now, most of which I can't really talk about and the last time I even felt close to this alone was probably before I left Buffalo.

The hardest part is trying to smile and put on a happy face for school and my internship. I guess I always look fine but on the inside I am really hurting. I am currently facing two situations that are bigger than anything I've ever had to deal with and I'm so lost...

I'm supposed to go to the Nicki Minaj concert tonight and I love her, but I honestly don't even want to go. I just want to stay home and have dinner with my family. I just want to be around my mom because she is the only person I can talk to right now.

She is telling me to be a fighter, and she's right but I feel like I don't have the strength.

The really sad part is, while Buffalo is the one thing that would definitely cure my sadness, I don't think I can visit for a while.

When my sister called to tell me the news I was pretty floored. I didn't have a lot to say...

And then I cried for a while because it just made me so sad and every time I think about Josh the tears come back.

Josh you were truly a great guy, someone who I genuinely had respect for and always smiled when I thought about you.

I am not even sure when I saw you last and I find myself really regretting not staying in touch because now there isn't another chance to have a beer or dinner party or run into you on elmwood.

The memories I have of you are all happy so I will hold on to that... I remember having a dinner party for you and Jason at pauls's house and I made gumbo and my sister and I mixed up some champagne cocktails. Its probably one of my favorite buffalo memories. We all had a great time and you were so gracious, you and Jason both. You were always singing praises for my sister and I, and it was nice to know a pair of siblings who shared such a strong connection.

My sister is my best friend, as Jason was yours. My heart goes out to you Jason, and although I'm far away I will always be here for you as a friend. :o)

My mom tells me that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all... I will remember Josh and like my sister said, Josh you will hold a special place in my heart.