I never want to exercise anymore. Ever. I think I need to accept the fact that during winter, the chances that I will find the energy or time to exercise are quite low. I used to like be really into running and now I couldn't really care less. I accept the fact that I don't exercise, yet I can't accept the fact that my legs and rear end are not toned and muscular. It seems to be a conflict of interests.

I went cross country skiing like two weeks ago and I loved it and I was so sure that would be my new fun form of winter exercise...hmm, didn't really happen...

In other news, my cat is crazy and I love him.

I HAVE BRONCHITIS.

I AM ALSO ON CHRISTMAS BREAK.

ALL OF MY KENMORE FRIENDS ARE HOME AND I'M SITTING AT HOME HACKING UP LUNGS LEFT AND RIGHT.

THIS SUCKS.

Here are the things I wish I did more of/should do more of:

- Run (like I used to, like, really run)
- Wash my face before I go to bed
- Shave my legs (yeah, gross, but I'm always feeling rushed in the morning)
- Sleep
- Read
- Relax
- See my friends
- See my family
- See my dogs and cat-nephew
- Go to Target

Here are the things that I do too much of/take up all my time:

- Show Choir
- Buffalo Choral Arts which I hate
- The musical
- My job
- My job
- My job
- Worry about things like this
- My job

The point is...I hate this month. And I hate that when I think about my life, I don't think I do anything that I actually want to do when it comes down to it. That is not entirely true, but sometimes it feels like it. I don't sleep enough. I don't see people I love enough. I hate December. I just feel so busy. I think I almost had an anxiety attack in rehearsal tonight. I went to the allergist yesterday and my blood pressure is actually up. I don't think that's ever happened to me, EVER.

Bottom line...I need to calm the f$%&#$%& down, and start getting some more things on that first list to be priorities.

And I hate Sean Avery.

Is it sad that sometimes I think I'm happier when I'm single? I think there's no question in my mind that in the two post-breakup time periods of my life, I was really happy - obviously after the initial sadness. One of the main differences for me is that when I'm not single, I feel this need to spend tons of time with my significant other. And this is mainly coming from pressures within, not pressures from him. This was a trend with my last two boyfriends. See, I'm pretty sure that my second boyfriend totally screwed me up psychologically and to this day I still have no idea why I dated him. I must have felt pretty bad about myself. When I was with him, I was totally insecure and constantly felt like I had to impress him and be with him, in case he "forgot" about me or moved on. Of course when we were dating I didn't realize that these were the reasons why. It was like for almost two years, I don't know what I was thinking. This guy was such a jerk to me and yet I thought all the stupid, mean things he did were some weird way of showing affection.

It seems like, since I know enough to admit these things and ackowledge that these feelings may be coming from a previous relationship and definitely wouldn't be the same way this time around, that I would be able to change. But I really don't feel like I have. I just spend a lot less time hanging out with my friends than I used to, and it's sad to me, and something I need to do something about (other than write a post about it). I spent a lot of time away from my apartment when I was there, I spend a lot of evenings just hanging out instead of going out, it's like this rare occasion that I go out of my house in the evening to hang out. And maybe it's because I live out in the burbs now, but that's not a good excuse. I just have this weird anxious feeling about like...leaving, I guess. It's so awful. I'm really quite ashamed and embarassed about it.

And the thing is, Cory has never once said to me "don't go out with your friends, why don't you stay here with me, I hate when you leave" or anything even close to that! Maybe it's that he doesn't hang out with other people very often, either, and I feel guilty leaving him. I guess that could be a part of it. Apparently when I start dating people, I end up being their best friend as well as girlfriend. And I DO love spending time with him...it's not that I hang out with him out of guilt.

So, I think now that I've acknowledged this issue, it's time to figure out what to do about it. Doesn't seem like it should be all that hard, but who knows. The option of being single again is not there, haha, so I need to figure out how to change my thinking and start doing what will make me just as happy as I know I've been before.

Oh and ps...





KITTY