where everybody knows your name. and they're always glad you came. you wanna be where you can see, your troubles are all the same.

this pretty much sums up how i feel right now. what i would give to be around great friends.

i was supposed to go out tonight, and then my friend cancels at the very very last minute. this is lame.

i did my hair and makeup. i look fly. so fly to sit at home.

i need to be constantly busy right now. i need need need to. otherwise i have time to be sad. my grandma past last week, and i don't think it has totally hit yet. she was/is so important to me, and now she is gone. i feel so lost, and sad, and really like i need to be busy. my mom is leaving for like 5 days to go to buffalo for the funeral, and i don't want to stay here alone. i don't want to cry, because when i do it is so hard to stop.

i miss her so damn much, and i wish i could tell her how i feel right now, she always knew the right thing to say and how to make me feel better. it was such a simple beautiful love. to know that the person you are looking at, is looking back at you, and accepts you completely, and loves you, and thinks you are the greatest. you don't get that very much.

it's hard not to think i keep losing people i love, and i need to start gaining. i am so tired of goodbyes, they are too hard. i am trying really hard to not let it make me want to close up. but, losing people you love is so hard.

i hate broken hearts. i don't want one anymore.

i don't want to deal with the difficulties of romance, or the disappointment friendship so often brings. sometimes i feel like the only one who will never ever let me down is my mother and sister. honestly, i know this. they have given me so much, it is like no one else is ever good enough. no one else can ever meet that expectation.

i want to tell my granny about it. i want to hug her, and make her laugh. she would make it better.

i know it will get better, but it's so hard right now. it's really just the hardest thing i've done. to say goodbye to her. i want to pick up the phone and call her, or stop by, and bring her a treat. i want to tell her i love her, but i can't.

i think i need to go pour myself a strong one. and cry and hug my mom.

maybe i should buy some new shoes this week. retail therapy is a good short term remedy.

and i get into the hospital today, and my manager and the CEO pull me in to their office to have a talk. i'm thinking, "why are you bothering to ask me about my grandma, when you are about to fire me?"

well, i was wrong.


they pulled me in to tell me i am getting a $6 raise. hot damn, i love this place so much right now. not only do i love it, but i am now oicking up all of the hours i possibly can here! yippeee!

now, if i switch agencies with my other job and get a $4 raise, i'll be so money.


i am finally feeling like i am past that whole minimum wage thing, by a lot. and it feels good.


go me!

nothing beats a sunny 85 degree day before march has even begun...



i think the sun is getting to me. maybe not though because i actually spend very little time in it, but a good amount outside, just in the shade.

i can't wait til my little lady wakes up and we can go have fun times outside!

I keep wanting to post, and then sometimes do, but always end up deleting it.

My trip to buffalo was very short, but very sweet. Almost regretted coming for such a short time, but I had a ton of fun.

When I got back here, i definitely regretted going. I had seen my grandma right before coming and she was fine, and then i got back, and she seemed a completely different person. since last sunday, she has slipped further and further away from the land of the living.

I just breaks my heart to see her this way. Most of the time she sleeps, and can't really talk much, she is too weak. We didn't think she would make it through the weekend, and I guess she was up this morning, and had a surge of energy. She wanted some coffee and sherbet, and milk. I fed her about a spoonful of sherbet yesterday afternoon, and all she has eaten in 8 days amounts to about 5 spoonfuls of sherbet/yogurt. She really can't drink, except to have it fed to her with a spoon, and a little sponge.

My family seems to be falling apart before my eyes, with constant crying and insanity. Everyone is drinking and self-medicating non-stop, and I fear the only sane one is my mother and perhaps my one aunt.
I knew it would be like this, but it is entriely another thing to watch it unfold.

I have been spending as much time with my grandma as possible, just sitting with her. I am not sure she recognizes me anymore, but when she wakes up, and looks over, I just tell her than I am here, and it is ok. I know she is waking and wants to know she is not alone; I would feel the same way.

I think at first I was in shock, and didn't really let myself cry. Then I broke out in hives and began to get sick to my stomach. After two days, I saw her and just let myself be upset, and I think it will be ok now.

My biggest concern is making sure my mother is ok. I know she will be, but my heart gopes out to her, because i cannot imagine being in a family of 10 and having the responsibiltiy she does of helping in a huge way to keep them all together.

I know all families are nuts, but if you know Tennessee Williams, and you have seen any of his plays, put my aunts and uncles and cousins in, and it would be his sorrowful, dramatic, story-telling to a T.

The funeral is in Buffalo, and I don't know if I will go. I have been here to see my Grandma and say my good-byes. I just don't know how much more of the crazyness I can take. but that will be decided when and then.

And i will end this post with a positive... I have been seeing someone for over a month now. Someone I actually have fun with. And he calls to see how I am, and listens when I talk. Aww.

seriously. why can't there be better technology, so cars are wya fast, and people can just go wherever in their cars. oh wait, you can just go wherever, if you are super rich and have a jet.

considering the fact that i am not fergie, i will be limited to common travel.

my flight was supposed to take off an hour ago, and it's now 12:37am. i'm fucking tired, and i will for sure not make my transfer in nyc. this means, my already short three days in blo, will be shortened to maybe 2 1/2.

if the plane is not taking off tonight, i am not sure i have it in me to only come for two days. fuck you jet blue. the last three time i have flown your shitty as airline, you make me wait. you made me wait for 4 hrs in the plane. now your computer system doesn't work. wow, i feel really safe getting on a plane with a faulty navigation system.

i am so done flying jet blue. i was willing to forgive a few times, but when they get a call from me, tomorrow, i am going to be really really pissed off. they will pretend to be all sorry and give me a voucher, so now i will have to fly there crappy airline again.

i didn't have time for dinner, and was at least looking forward ot a glass of wine on the plane, or three and some snacks. but now, i am stuck in this airport, where nothing is open, not even a bar, with no food, and no travel in sight.

at least they have free wifi.


in conclusion, i really feel like being a traveler by plane these days, is more like incarceration.