Hello,

This is directed to the TV execs who surely read this journal regularly. I wanted to tell you my brilliant idea that will turn TV from the cultural dinosaur is has become into the cutting edge of entertainment.

It isn't a completely new idea, just a new paradigm for you to work from. The concept is simple, just combine two shows into a brand new one. Now, I am not talking about the infamous Love Boat/Knight Rider episode. Nor am I talking about the Charlie's Angels/Murder She Wrote cross over. That is the stuff of fanfiction masturbation. No, this is a simple concept who's many permutations will only raise the bar.

Fear Factory/Design Star.

If you are unfamiliar with either show let me brief you. Fear Factor is a horrible abortion of a show in which people test their limits to see how gross an item they are willing to eat or torment they are willing to endure. It is like Jackass with a budget and sobriety, an appalling combination. Design Star is like American idol, but with designers instead of singers. Let me show you the genius.

Permutation #1: Master Class

In this one BDSM masters compete to come up with the most innovative, humiliating, non-dismembering but painful torment they can put their slaves through.
"I'm sorry master Steve, but hot-gluing your slaves face to an ostrich's butt was more comical than humiliating. Goodbye."
Best thing is you can recycle contestants. This weeks master is next weeks slave if he isn't clever enough. It will really add to the show.

A spin off could be to see which slave can take the most punishment.

Permutation #2: Your Last 15-Minutes of Fame

Engineers get fired up to end the lives of five terminally ill patients. The idea is to create the most glamorous, show stopping yet humane murder machine to end the suffering of someone in desperate need of death.
"Ya know Phil, I really thought we would have a law suit on our hands when I saw that you would be using both a rotisserie chicken oven and all that chop meat, but now I can't imagine dying any other way."

Permutation #3: Who Wants to Eat a Millionaire?

This is a bit more like Iron Chef, only the variation in secret ingredient would be the dead millionaire's former profession. Will it be Blue Blood pudding with Oil-money vinaigrette?

In anticipation of problems surrounding cannibalism I have already begun research and development on a soy-based millionaire called ToFukinRich.

So what do you say TV execs? Can I rescue you from irrelevance?

Want to see a British football team strip, get into the showers, lather up, and then play with their balls?

Well, what if you could learn about Testicular Cancer Prevention at the same time?

It is educating pornography for the British TV watching masses

To to do list for the weekend was kind of lofty, so I thought I would do a simple task to get my mind going. And that task was to save the world; you know, the sort of thing you do while sitting on the can or shaving your cat.

My plan is simple, effective, and will get you drunk ever weekend. That plan, is give everyone a giant plastic cup full of vodka.

I know, you are thinking to yourself 'why didn't I think of that?'. But that is how it goes with innovations that become the standard by which all innovations are judged.

You see, when I walk my dog I like to know that he is not going to get the shit cut out of him while walking. The dumb ass college kids, who do not think, like to get trashed on disgusting cheap beer and smash the bottles where ever they may while hunting poon-tang.

This angers me, and at first I wanted to poison their villages well, or turn their loved one into an exploding zombie. But just as Ghandi was not willing to unleash to cosmic dance of Shiva upon the British, so too must find a peaceful solution.

The deal is, you come to a city-run distribution center with your ID card and you get a giant plastic cup full of vodka. Inside that cup is more alcohol than the entire 12 pack of Milwaukee's Best that those dipshits break all over my neighborhood. There, you get drunk, you don't have to pay a friend to buy you your crappy beer (I'm looking at you Pabst Blue Ribbon), and you don't risk me chemically castrating you. This is what is known among people who hate being castrated as a 'win-win'.

So come on. You love to drink and you hate to have mutilated genitals. Wont you consider?

The sunny beaches of Capri, the well tanned sin of Rio, the underage in Thailand. What if you could take all these distant locations and put it into one experience greater than all of its components? What if you could do that right in your own back yard?

Yes, the future of vacation is now! Come see the exotic Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport Men's bathroom. The same location where Senator/ex-Senator/wait-wait-wait-give-me-one-sec-to-decide-Senator Larry Craig tapped his toes into our hearts.

Don't believe me that it is a tourist location? Via Seattle's The Stranger check out this holiday snap



Reminds me of the time I went camping in that ditch where Ted Kennedy killed that hooker.

kisses,

-James

Howdy,

I was looking to expand my blues knowledge a year or so ago when I was reading about Blind Willy Johnson. As a kid his mother rubbed lye in his eyes to get revenge on his father. He did survive childhood and married. But died alone of exposure in a rotten shack he was living in.

Now, one of his songs is on the Voyager spacecraft, reaching further and further distances from the earth. Perhaps intelligent life will find Voyager and they will hear one of the most beautiful expressions of humanity when they do.

Voyager Golden Record has an online copy of what must be the greatest mix tape ever made. In addition to Blind Willy Johnson it has Hindi music, pan pipe recording from the Solomon Islands, Bach, Mozart, Chuck Berry. The recording is immense!

One of my favorite surprises was Javanese Gamelan music. I was familiar with this style from a Japanese performing art group Genioh Yamashirogumi who achieved international fame for doing the soundtrack to the movie Akira. They are also famous for teaching themselves how to program MOOG synthesizers to play notes beyond our 12-tone scale. I thought Gamelan wouldn't sound the same without an armada of crazy MOOGs enhancing the sound only to realize that it was all about the Gamelan. Here is a video of such a Gamelan group.



For a bigger show, this is a children's performance group. It is 9 minutes long, but so freakin good!



But check out that golden record. You will be happy you did.