I have never read a Harry Potter book. I have seen three of the movies. I don't read about them, or care about them I am sure they are fine and lovely books, blah blah blah. But (e:Jim) just finished the last book and I totally called the ending.
You see, Harry and I have an odd relationship. I worked at a book store for three Harry Potter releases. I have had to deal with the most insufferable people. Mothers who don't want their kids reading the devil worshiping wiccan Potter books but love the Christian CS Lewis books (guh, what?). Kids pestering me about were they are in the store... um... do you see the GIANT mother fucking HARRY POTTER POSTER. Ya, the one right next to the big sign denoting the Harry Potter section. Yes, that unwieldy leviathan constitutes a whole damn section, and that was when there were only four books.
So annoyed with people obsessing over these books was I that I refused to call him by name. He was referred to as Henry Porter. After a time this parody ripe name eventually followed the echo back to the greatest parody engine of all time: pornography. Yes, every movie to be released has an adult film to correspond to it.
Henry Porter and the Sorcerer's Cock
Henry Porter and the chamberbed of secrets
Henry Porter and the Prison Gang-bang in Alcaban
Henry Porter and the Goblet of Fredericho
Henry Porter and the Master Pheonix's Orders
Henry Porter and the Horse-Hung Highness
Henry Porter and the Deathly holy shit this is coming to and end bukkaki Hollow
Well, I don't work in books anymore. So I now find these things amusing rather than irksome and no longer need to inject levity into a dry carcass' cavity.
In other super sexy young adult fiction news. Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy is being made into a movie scheduled for release this December. Think Paradise Lost, but anti-deist and with armored bears. It makes me shiver with antici...............pation.
good night.
James's Journal
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07/21/2007 23:41 #40199
Harry Potter: A Spoiler Free Post!07/20/2007 10:57 #40172
Pope declairs Satan "a total dick"Category: food
Sorry about the title, I was on such a roll it just came out.
No, I want to talk about more serious matters: lunch.
I am the only employee of my bosses business. I work in her basement, which isn't as weird as it sounds. But lunch is always interesting.
So I got hungry early because I didn't eat breakfast and I go scouring for lunch stuff. In her basement pantry (which is a shelf placed in the doorway of a bathroom that doesn't work) and I find a can of organic salad beans. The smell coming from this moist, broken bathroom is enough to turn anyone off food for the rest of their whithered days, but I am determined!
I open the sucker up, rinse them off, cut up a little red onion and pour some balsamic on it. But I am feeling a little more haute than that. I look in the fridge and, bingo, capers. I love capers. Salty delicious sacks, yum. So I liberally pile them on, mix it up, and go back to my dungeon to work and eat.
Did you know that they sell green peppercorns bottled in vinegar? Did you know that they look just like capers. Did you know that eating enough peppercorns to buy a dozen slaves (in 1600 money) can make your stomach protest?
I feel like a waiter. After depositing your bibb salad I would offer some fresh ground pepper. With a smile and a nod in the affirmative I would bend over and vomit on that salad. Ah! So savory!
that is all.
No, I want to talk about more serious matters: lunch.
I am the only employee of my bosses business. I work in her basement, which isn't as weird as it sounds. But lunch is always interesting.
So I got hungry early because I didn't eat breakfast and I go scouring for lunch stuff. In her basement pantry (which is a shelf placed in the doorway of a bathroom that doesn't work) and I find a can of organic salad beans. The smell coming from this moist, broken bathroom is enough to turn anyone off food for the rest of their whithered days, but I am determined!
I open the sucker up, rinse them off, cut up a little red onion and pour some balsamic on it. But I am feeling a little more haute than that. I look in the fridge and, bingo, capers. I love capers. Salty delicious sacks, yum. So I liberally pile them on, mix it up, and go back to my dungeon to work and eat.
Did you know that they sell green peppercorns bottled in vinegar? Did you know that they look just like capers. Did you know that eating enough peppercorns to buy a dozen slaves (in 1600 money) can make your stomach protest?
I feel like a waiter. After depositing your bibb salad I would offer some fresh ground pepper. With a smile and a nod in the affirmative I would bend over and vomit on that salad. Ah! So savory!
that is all.
james - 07/20/07 14:25
I love apple cider vinegar. I could drink a bottle of it... and then be happily, violently ill.
My apologies for souring your stomach.
@carolinian: I always know what is in my fridge. So I don't read labels once they get to my fridge (I have spent several hours looking for salad dressing that did not contain Canola oil, so I am a notorious label reader). I guess I have grown soft and weak. But next time I raid my bosses fridge I will be very cautious.
I love apple cider vinegar. I could drink a bottle of it... and then be happily, violently ill.
My apologies for souring your stomach.
@carolinian: I always know what is in my fridge. So I don't read labels once they get to my fridge (I have spent several hours looking for salad dressing that did not contain Canola oil, so I am a notorious label reader). I guess I have grown soft and weak. But next time I raid my bosses fridge I will be very cautious.
carolinian - 07/20/07 14:16
Jeez, doesn't anyone read labels anymore? :)
Jeez, doesn't anyone read labels anymore? :)
fellyconnelly - 07/20/07 14:08
oh james... silly silly james.. this reminds me of the bottle of apple cider (vinegar) that was once ingested..
but somehow what is worse than eating vinegar soaked peppercorns is your description of capers as
salty delicious sacks.
i feel not well...
oh james... silly silly james.. this reminds me of the bottle of apple cider (vinegar) that was once ingested..
but somehow what is worse than eating vinegar soaked peppercorns is your description of capers as
salty delicious sacks.
i feel not well...
07/17/2007 20:04 #40149
Don't Apologize if you Don't Mean it.Category: religion
Sweet Teets of god!
In the last week the Catholic Church they will be paying $600 million in settlements to over 500 victims of priests who can't keep their hands to themselves in the Los Angeles diocese. Awesome! I like it when they take responsibility for acts committed by members of their organization. Bravo RCC.
and then we heard from the vatican this morning.
Yes, they feel aggrieved for the victims and their families for an unforgivable act (their wording was not as harsh). But they want to remind everyone that mamma church is suffering too!
Yes, to raise the $600 million they had to sell off local property including the headquarters of the diocese....
Oh how they must be suffering! When little billy can't get an erection because of the psychological scars left by monseigneurs slimy, spotted hands he will surly be glad that at least he didn't have to sell some rich boys club/headquarters. I am sure, when she wakes up from another nightmare she will weep thanking god she isn't in the bishop's shoes.
wait, it gets better.
The vatican also cautioned that, while the church is working to snuff out pedophelia, other institutions need to work on it as well. How fucking condescending is that? Pedo-priests have been pulled out of a diocese when things got a little hot and moved to other diocese, or given prominent positions in the vatican. And they have the nerve to tell other organizations to follow their lead just because they paid out a ton of cash to little kids they fucked?
I wonder if Jesus would even recognize this church.
In the last week the Catholic Church they will be paying $600 million in settlements to over 500 victims of priests who can't keep their hands to themselves in the Los Angeles diocese. Awesome! I like it when they take responsibility for acts committed by members of their organization. Bravo RCC.
and then we heard from the vatican this morning.
Yes, they feel aggrieved for the victims and their families for an unforgivable act (their wording was not as harsh). But they want to remind everyone that mamma church is suffering too!
Yes, to raise the $600 million they had to sell off local property including the headquarters of the diocese....
Oh how they must be suffering! When little billy can't get an erection because of the psychological scars left by monseigneurs slimy, spotted hands he will surly be glad that at least he didn't have to sell some rich boys club/headquarters. I am sure, when she wakes up from another nightmare she will weep thanking god she isn't in the bishop's shoes.
wait, it gets better.
The vatican also cautioned that, while the church is working to snuff out pedophelia, other institutions need to work on it as well. How fucking condescending is that? Pedo-priests have been pulled out of a diocese when things got a little hot and moved to other diocese, or given prominent positions in the vatican. And they have the nerve to tell other organizations to follow their lead just because they paid out a ton of cash to little kids they fucked?
I wonder if Jesus would even recognize this church.
metalpeter - 07/18/07 17:36
The thing is that "The Catholic Church" has allways really been about power. Hey lets tell the king what he can and cannot do. They are also supposed to give moral Guidance to the community and the people they serve. With out doing what is moraly right (at least acording to them) they lose there power. So lets say Priest A has sex with a boy. He just had premartial sex, gay sex, and priets have to be celebate so I would call that a tripple sin in the eyes of the church. So what happens if anyone finds out. Well if little billy tells his parents they would never believe him. A kid over a Priest a man of the cloth a non sinner. Poor little billy is going to get in trouble. Now if there are a few little billies then people might start to believe it. If the guy who gives the sermon does this who is going to listen to what he says, I know I sure wouldn't. So then that church loses its power cause who does what a boy fucker tells you to do. You have to remember that some of thesse where like 30 years ago when times where much different.
The right thing to do would be to take action on the priest. But really how do you do that and keep your power. When Father O'sulliven runs into one of his flowers how does he explain why he doesn't do the service anymore. Even if he lies (why not throw in another sin anyways) and says something less bad then what happened, the result is close to the same. It looks like some people who where selected weren't able to do the job. That makes people question "The Church". Then if they waren't able then what does that say about the people who thought they where? Again then people have to question "The Church". Once people question "The Church" they lose power and Followers and Money.
However if a higher ranking church offical finds out and they just transfer the person somewhere else no one ever knows about the evilness. When the guy screws up again pass him to someone else and as long as you do it enough and fast enough no one finds out. But they only thought about the power and assumed they would allways have it. They didn't think about well what happens when little billy grows up? Will anyone believe him them? Oh yeah plus "The Catholic Church" is known for "Do as I say, Not as I do".
I'm not saying that all priests are bad. I'm not saying that when you find one that is bad the answer is easy. But I think "The Church" acted like how some Corporations work that they didn't care about the people they just wanted the power and the money. When you are an orgenisation that preaches moral behavior there is no excuse for what they did.
The thing is that "The Catholic Church" has allways really been about power. Hey lets tell the king what he can and cannot do. They are also supposed to give moral Guidance to the community and the people they serve. With out doing what is moraly right (at least acording to them) they lose there power. So lets say Priest A has sex with a boy. He just had premartial sex, gay sex, and priets have to be celebate so I would call that a tripple sin in the eyes of the church. So what happens if anyone finds out. Well if little billy tells his parents they would never believe him. A kid over a Priest a man of the cloth a non sinner. Poor little billy is going to get in trouble. Now if there are a few little billies then people might start to believe it. If the guy who gives the sermon does this who is going to listen to what he says, I know I sure wouldn't. So then that church loses its power cause who does what a boy fucker tells you to do. You have to remember that some of thesse where like 30 years ago when times where much different.
The right thing to do would be to take action on the priest. But really how do you do that and keep your power. When Father O'sulliven runs into one of his flowers how does he explain why he doesn't do the service anymore. Even if he lies (why not throw in another sin anyways) and says something less bad then what happened, the result is close to the same. It looks like some people who where selected weren't able to do the job. That makes people question "The Church". Then if they waren't able then what does that say about the people who thought they where? Again then people have to question "The Church". Once people question "The Church" they lose power and Followers and Money.
However if a higher ranking church offical finds out and they just transfer the person somewhere else no one ever knows about the evilness. When the guy screws up again pass him to someone else and as long as you do it enough and fast enough no one finds out. But they only thought about the power and assumed they would allways have it. They didn't think about well what happens when little billy grows up? Will anyone believe him them? Oh yeah plus "The Catholic Church" is known for "Do as I say, Not as I do".
I'm not saying that all priests are bad. I'm not saying that when you find one that is bad the answer is easy. But I think "The Church" acted like how some Corporations work that they didn't care about the people they just wanted the power and the money. When you are an orgenisation that preaches moral behavior there is no excuse for what they did.
james - 07/18/07 10:36
I don't think you can say it better than "F that."
Perhaps I was spoiled growing up with John Paul II, but Ratzi has been pissing me off of late with his pre-VC2 masturbation fantasies.
so, F that.
I don't think you can say it better than "F that."
Perhaps I was spoiled growing up with John Paul II, but Ratzi has been pissing me off of late with his pre-VC2 masturbation fantasies.
so, F that.
jason - 07/17/07 21:29
Hell no, Jesus would NOT recognize that church, and sorry if I'm gonna piss some people off, but if Jesus saw what was going on with them today he would be flat out embarrassed they are associating themselves with him, and the "but check out these other pedophiles" deflection would go down about as well as warm bourbon.
We could have gotten divine word from heaven and a wonderful message and all that shit, but of course us being us, we would sign our signature next to it and start telling people how to live, talking with God's authority. F that.
Hell no, Jesus would NOT recognize that church, and sorry if I'm gonna piss some people off, but if Jesus saw what was going on with them today he would be flat out embarrassed they are associating themselves with him, and the "but check out these other pedophiles" deflection would go down about as well as warm bourbon.
We could have gotten divine word from heaven and a wonderful message and all that shit, but of course us being us, we would sign our signature next to it and start telling people how to live, talking with God's authority. F that.
07/16/2007 20:12 #40137
Rev. Alexyss Tylor: VAGINA POWER!Category: vagina
- Edit*****
I was checking out some other videos, and this one is just so fantastic I had to include it. If you could watch only one, make it this one.
"He didn't come like the wise men, bringing gifts of gold, frankensense, and myrh; he came with his dick, his nuts, and himself."
The lady preaches about evil men and anal sex. You know you want to watch.
07/13/2007 21:02 #40101
To Be FairCategory: politics blow job
Well,
I told (e:Joshua) that I would be just as giddy when a democrat got caught in a super awesome homoerotic sex scandal. Of course, I didn't find this one to be as hilarious as the last one, but just sad. Here it goes
Roger Fisher is on the Parke County Council in Indiana and has a decade long career in local politics there. Well, the creepy bastard was caught in a seedy motel room with hydrocordone for which he had no prescription. And what could be hiding in the bathroom as police knocked on his door? Why a naked, sobbing, 15-year old!
How would your 15 year old self like to wake up tied up next to this?
So, take that democrats!
I wonder if he too likes water sports?
I told (e:Joshua) that I would be just as giddy when a democrat got caught in a super awesome homoerotic sex scandal. Of course, I didn't find this one to be as hilarious as the last one, but just sad. Here it goes
Roger Fisher is on the Parke County Council in Indiana and has a decade long career in local politics there. Well, the creepy bastard was caught in a seedy motel room with hydrocordone for which he had no prescription. And what could be hiding in the bathroom as police knocked on his door? Why a naked, sobbing, 15-year old!
How would your 15 year old self like to wake up tied up next to this?
So, take that democrats!
I wonder if he too likes water sports?
james - 07/15/07 11:27
oh... Barney Frank slept with a page. But he was of age, so that makes it not only alright, but hot!
oh... Barney Frank slept with a page. But he was of age, so that makes it not only alright, but hot!
james - 07/15/07 11:25
libertad: my thoughts exactly
tinypliny: The chubakabra?
ajay: I know, I know. The Dems need another Chapaquidic incident to catch up this week.
Jason: Since Barney Frank what?
libertad: my thoughts exactly
tinypliny: The chubakabra?
ajay: I know, I know. The Dems need another Chapaquidic incident to catch up this week.
Jason: Since Barney Frank what?
jason - 07/15/07 10:44
Yeah, I guess it has been a while since Barney Frank. Good catch!
Yeah, I guess it has been a while since Barney Frank. Good catch!
ajay - 07/14/07 13:16
Oh c'mon, there's no comparison! This guy's from some backwaters county in the middle of nowhere. It must at least be a state-level politician...
Oh c'mon, there's no comparison! This guy's from some backwaters county in the middle of nowhere. It must at least be a state-level politician...
tinypliny - 07/14/07 12:24
He looks like a creepy character they once had on The X-Files.
He looks like a creepy character they once had on The X-Files.
libertad - 07/13/07 22:00
Gross.
Gross.
i first 'heard' of harry potter on a carride from my aunt's house down here in middletown to my grandparents house up by lockport. my aunt read it to me and her three children and two dogs and my uncle the whole way there and the whole way back. i loved it. and i'm not ashamed.
(by the way, that is what we call a redneck audio book)
I will ask (e:Jim) why it would be, if not next time I am in the Middle East I will pop on over to pick your brain.
It isn't that I don't like reading. My library is ridiculously huge and I am constantly working on some book or another, though more often poetry or non-fiction than the sort of cool kids Harry hangs out with. I got about half way through the first book and it didn't really suck me in. I was reading Frank Herbert at the same time and I found his little Christ fiction to be so much more rich. Though, if I had kids I would totally Potterize them.
refuse to call him by name...haha, that's actually kind of funny...if you read the books, which you didn't, which makes it even more funny to me :)