I woke up sweaty and full of anxiety. I had tears in my eyes. I had a bad dream. Not like the nightmares I had recently, but it was bad. It was chock full of betrayal by people I love. Holy chipmunks on crack Batman, it was that awful! It opened a well of emotions I hoped would remain closed. Why?

I had coffee with (e:Joshua) recently and somehow our topic of conversation turned to relationships. Issues of trust, betrayal, abandonment, cheating, lying, fighting, living together...you name it, it was discussed. I brought up stories of people I hadn't thought about in yeeeeeeears.

The things I wish I had the confidence to say back then. I was only 22, what did I know? He cheated on me, only I caught him with the latest flavor. There were 4 more previous to her. What was the point of being in a relationship for 3 years if you really just wanted to NOT be in one?

What I expressed to Josh was the reasoning that if you live in constant fear that your significant other is unfaithful, you have nothing. I never thought about those things because I had to base our relationship on trust and friendship; I was in it 110%.

Paul! I really do hope your marriage is working out and that she is the 'something better' that came along.

Paul and I were also together for 3 years. We were a great team. We never argued but were able to disagree peacefully. One day, out of nowhere, I get "I'm just a guy in my 20's - what if something better comes along?" But, there was already someone new, not 'what if'. Ouch.

I really struggled with this one. On one hand I was completely and utterly humiliated because he basically told me I was just a pleasantry on his journey to true happiness. On the other, although really shitty, he was honest. As it turned out he pursued his new fancy to no avail. 6 months later he came back with, "I made a mistake".

This was incredibly difficult to hear. However, I had come to accept our separation without tears. It was just too little too late. Almost every girl I know would have taken him back. They would take him back because they would feel triumphant. It's easy to go back to what you know, where you felt safe, where you once felt loved. I couldn't take him back because I realized however lame the reason sounded to me, it was reason enough. It ended because it was time for it to end. I was 26.

Now that you've read about my two longest relationships, let us get back to the well of emotions unearthed in my sleep last night. I dreamed that everyone I knew, all of my friends, the distant ones as well as the close ones, betrayed me in some form or another. I felt so isolated, so alone. I had no one to talk to.

Imk2 asked a lot of good questions in response to my last post. So, here are your answers:

when are you leaving? - I don't know yet. They are in the process of getting me an electronic visa, then they will solidify my plane tickets.

how are they flying you there? - on a big plane i hope :)

which airline? - most likely the cheapest deal

coach or first class? - I am pretty confident it's coach

how long will they keep you there for the interview? - 3 days

will they be putting you up in a hotel? - yes

if so, which hotel? - don't know yet

will they be providing any food? - yes, they will be taking me out to lunches and dinners every day

will they pay moving expenses, like for the flight, if you get offered the job? - i think so, but not 100% sure

what is the cost of living there like? - real estate is very expensive, but other costs of living are lower than the states

will you be living in an apartment that you have to find on your own, or will you be living on campus? - on campus

how long is the contract for? - 1 year but they hope to have me for 2 or 3

will you get vacation time, and if so how much? - yes. muslim holidays plus vacation plus christian holidays

do they pay for flights back home at all? - yes, one round trip ticket home per year

how much are the flights anyway? - around $1,700 right now

make sure you take tons of pictures - will do!

I got a call from the Qatar Foundation this morning. They want to bring me out for an on campus intehrview!!! Holy shnikes this is amazing! I can't even imagine flying 20 hours for an interview in the middle east. Wooooooooooohooooooooooooo!

I thought I was prepared for the rain today. I wrapped my pack in a plastic bag, put on my rain pants and shell, and was ready to brave the elements. Let us put an emphasis on brave. I learned something about my bicycle at the most inopportune moment.

As I approached the intersection of Delaware and Utica the light turned red. I applied the breaks only to learn they do not work in the rain, at all. I slid through the red light and almost got rolled over by an SUV. My stomach tried to barf my heart out.


UPDATE: Delayed reaction. I started crying out of the blue, then realized why. Life is so precious. I'm not ready to extinguish my flame just yet.

Feeling much better!

I got a new side mirror for my bicycle and that makes me very happy. My old one is really crap and keeps moving out of position. I can't tell you how useful they are if you have to ride in the streets of Buffalo!

I caught up on all my sport pscyh assignments AND completed my final research paper, 3 weeks ahead of schedule. Sweeeeeeeet!

Just 25 more days til graduation. Then I can tell all these bitches, "Peace out Mother Fuckers!". Joy, joy, joy.



P.S. Since I don't have a computer at home at can't say it tomorrow:

HAPPY EARTHDAY