i know its impossible for everything to be perfect or even someplace close to it, but sometimes things just don't even work out anywhere near as pleasant as you would like them to be.

im feeling really guilty right now for not moving to az. my mother has done so much for me and still pretty much supports me, but we live so far apart. she has this brand new beautiful home and lives by herself. shes say she likes it and doesn't miss the old house, but sometimes she'll ask me, "Do you think I should move back to Buffalo?". of course i say no, and i know that would be a mistake, but, as long as we are apart, a piece of my heart is missing. i know you can't be with your mommy forever, but i just miss her so. she accepts me and loves me and shes very supportive. its hard to only gets her hugs a couple times a year now.

i know she gets really sad and even cries sometimes because she misses her children so much, and my brother will moving here this summer. i don't know. im too dramatic. lots of families live apart right?

anyway, it wouldnt be so bad if things were going ok with her brothers and sisters and mother here. they talk a lot, but she barely sees them. why did they invite her out here then? why do they always pick fights? why did nobosy listen when she told them my aunt was going to have problems(and now she is in year long rehab)? i see how her siblings treat her,and know that i never want my relationship with my own brother and sister to be like that.

so anyway. i know az is not where i want to be. not that i even know where i want to be.

im hungry.

everytime i write a damn entry, i loose it. i seem to be most careless butterfingered person around. i just can't keep track of things.

frappacino...mmmmmmmmmmmm. yea, yea. starbucks is baaaaad. but isn't it all. we are all going to die someday, why not be a glutton.

soon sister will join me in the AZ. joy be to god. i love my family. they are so fucked up. aunt in year long christian rehab. granny doing well, and will get haircut and do tomorrow. momma greatest ever. rich aunt and uncle being good at having houses and buying things.

for me. i just want a little sunshine and some decent wine. maybe trip to mexico?

note to self: never travel between screaming child and bathroom on airplane filled with cranky smelly nj people. ever again. i hope.

p.s. my sis saw karl lagerfeld today, for those of you who know who he is...how cool is that?

so, im here in the AZ. its great. sun, warmth, wireless internet. what more could a girl want?

well i would like some baja fresh, and i deserve it after being lodged between a screaming child and the bathroom for the 5 hr duration of my flight yesterday. oh yea, im never having children. haha.

so what can i say? life is good. i need shower. and the painters are here.

i kinda wish i had a companion. mom, ur cool, but, i need friend. where's (e:thesimeon) or (e:hodown)? ugh. you two.


p.s. my sister is one part funny, three parts biatch. and jason, im sure nobody really cares much about anyone elses journal around here, or do they? im just all about the new message system.

ifind that now i have a decent living place, and the super cutest room ever; i never want to leave the house. that means no partying, no boozing(minus the occasional bottle of wine enjoying inside my beautious room), no wondering for me these days. i like it. im sick of the cold damnit and maybe i will decide that i need to be more social again when the sun shines and it is warm enough for me to frollick in pretty skirts and flippy flops. nough said.

btw. who are all these newsters? remeber what they say; "make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold". so, perhaps some people might realize im golden and call me back?????

rack of lamb tonight. lunch someplace with josh-u-a ho tomorrow. DELICIOUS WEEKEND.

and bth again. since when does my sister have one nighters and not tell ME first. biaaatchiiio. some wine will heal the pain...

ahhhhhhhhhhh.

two trips. one to see momma in az. one to see sister in apple town(new york).

(e:thesimeon) will be traveling with me to ny. how lovely.

p.s. i love these pretty pink flowers. i want to make a wreath and wear them in my hair.