So I've just had a bit of an epiphany.
And I've decided that: guys who don't appreciate me can just go suck it.

As you may have noticed, I've been doing a lot of "why don't guys ever like me, poor me, wah wah wah" bullshit.
Well, no more!

I just got a message from a friend that maybe snapped me back into perspective. It said "You are the most remarkable person I have met in years".
Wow! I'm a little blown away.

And it made me think- "fuck yeah, I AM pretty remarkable!"

I know it's not "nice" to brag, but when I think about it- I kick ass. I won't list my accomplishments, but they're there, and I know it.
I'm happy with who I am.
And if some stupid boy doesn't like me because my hair is the wrong color or my waist is the wrong size, then fuck him.
I don't need that in my life.
That's why I finally managed to cut off the deadbeat ex.
I want to surround myself only with good friends who care about me and are there for me.
And they know I will do the same for them.

I've kinda liked this guy, that I barely know, for a little while now... So I gathered up all my courage and asked him out. And he said 'yes, but not now'. And then never followed up, despite numerous opportunities. So I danced around on eggshells for a while, not wanting to appear pushy or over-eager, but always wondering "ok, well when then?" So then today I asked again. And granted I haven't given him much time, but so far, nothing.

I guess that's a hint?
Bummer.
But no hard feelings. Maybe someday he'll realize what he missed out on.
And if so, I'll be glad to go out with him. But I'm not going to sit and pine.

So I just got out of a nice long hot steamy shower, and I am going to get cute, and I am going to go out with my girls and rock the house.
They always say attractiveness is all about self-esteem and attitude, no? So then I am off the charts tonight!

So, my advice to any awesome ladies that have deadbeat guys (or girls) stringing them along- get rid of 'em. You deserve better than that. If they take you for granted but can't see how great you are, and appreciate you, then maybe they'll figure it out when all of the sudden you're not there anymore.

And to any guys out there who are taking their friends/girlfriends/crushes/etc for granted- Stop it. That's shitty. Realize what you've got. And let him/her know that s/he matters to you.

In the words of the immortal Stewart Smalley-
I'm good enough,
I'm smart enough,
and doggone it-
people like me!

(e:jenks), out!

Wow...
I may have found someone date-able in the hospital! Most of the guys are either married, jerks, or egomaniacs. Or more often, some combo of the three... But there's one guy I've noticed for a while... Cute, smart, single (as far as I know)... I'm actually a little intimidated by him, which I don't feel all that often. So I try to "flirt" with him in my idiotic way- make up reasons to wander through the ICU, ask him about patients... He chats back, seemingly willingly, but I'm not sure he notices me at all... But so this morning I had to stop in the ICU on my way out, so I was in "real" clothes, and I'm not imagining it, he definitely did a double take. And said "my my, don't you look nice." (I just thought- haha, you should see me after I haven't been working for 30hrs!) But so that's encouraging. Guess I will keep trying to chat him up. Not sure I have a chance- after all I heard the last resident he "doinked" was this girl we call Anesthesia Barbie. And I am not Barbie.
But so I'm not sure what to do next. Guys don't hit on me in my world. So waiting for him to do something is probably pointless... But last time I tried to take action and ask someone out didn't exactly work either. I don't think. Oh well. Need to not obsess and just go with it.

Bigger decision of the moment- what to do tonight!! Tomorrow might be my only day off for the month of march, so I feel like I need to make tonight count. Any suggestions?

time for lunch...

-A

Oh, and PS-

I don't know if it's just me, but every time I see this pic on the wall at work:


I cannot help but think of this:

So apparently I'm not the only one that thinks my Work Crush #2 is Hotty-McHott. I mean for one, he's simply a good looking guy. Tall, fit, nice features... literally tall, dark and handsome. Second, he dresses impeccably. And third, he's a flirty guy, who makes all the girls feel special. (Fourth, he's a dog, but not everyone sees that side of him.)

But on thursdays we have Grand Rounds and conference in the morning, and we have to actually wear real clothes (i.e. not scrubs.) So when we get back to the hospital, everyone is always surprised to see us looking "normal". So we were walking by, and everyone was commenting on how he looked so good... (which he did). But it's like the rest of us were totally invisible. And he was in front of me, and had already turned the corner, when I saw at least three nurses start whispering and fanning themselves and I heard one say "don't you even TELL me you weren't thinking the same thing!" Then we walk into our call room- there is a fucking PRESENT in there for him. One of the nurses had this wrapped up package of snacks with a little lovey-dovey note in it saying "i heard you had a rough night, here are some snacks. Love, Strawberry" (She has strawberry-blonde hair.) I don't know if it's true or not, but there are certainly rumors that he sleeps with people (nurses etc) in the call room. So when we saw this, we asked "well, did you...?" and he said "NO! And I wouldn't!" I said "why not, she's cute..." and he said "yeah, for her age". Which is probably like 4 years older than him. Nice, huh?

But it just made me think- as much as we may say looks don't matter- yeah they do. And like it or not, life is just easier for beautiful people. Not that my life is so difficult, and I'm not unhappy about how I look, but I don't make people swoon when I walk by, and I don't get goody bags from strange men on my pillow every night. Must be nice...

Excuse me, I think you have something on your face...
Oh. Right. It's ash wed.
Doh.
One of these years I'll remember.

Yet another perk of atheism- I do/eat/drink whatever the hell I want for the next 40 days, and don't feel guilty about it. ;P

So... When I first moved here I dated this guy for like a minute. Nothing really came of it. But he is, I guess, a "tit man" if you will... And the few times I've talked to/seen him since then, there are always boob comments. Well yesterday he saw my message on myspace inviting people to come out. And he took me up on it. Which is cool, he's a pretty good guy and I hadn't seen him in a long time. But I sort of meant "if you're out with your friends, come say hi to me and my friends." But instead he said "ok... well i'm leaving now, will be at your place soon." Oh.... ok? Not sure what his intentions were, but given the... traditions... of mardi gras, I imagine he thought his chances at seeing tits (mine or otherwise) were higher. In any case, he came over, we had a couple beers, then met (e:ladycroft) et al out. It was fun. Voice of reason made me come home by midnight-ish, rather than stay out late like I wanted to. But in any case, he brought me home and we watched some simpsons and listened to music. Then he said "let's put you to bed." And then "I can't drive home." So he put me to bed. And then joined me. And we slept. And spooned a little. And that was it. And it was perfect. Just what I needed. No awkward moment of having to tell him to stop... (though I'm not sure if I'm impressed or insulted that he didn't make any moves,- I mean hell, I was drunk and he was in my bed. ha). And I found myself thinking- regardless of sex/relationships/drama/bullshit- it just feels so damn good to be in someone's arms. Even (especially?) when totally platonic. A hug... a hand on yours... simple human contact. So lovely. And one of those things that you can forget so easily... until reminded of what you're missing.

So that was my mardi gras... but it got me thinking back to New Orleans... what a neat city. Dirty and poor and fucked up, no doubt, and not a place I could spend my life, but I'm so glad to have had a few years down there. It's really like nowhere else. And Buffalo's mardi gras is supposedly the 3rd biggest in the country- well it still doesn't hold a candle. (No offense, buffalo.) Mardi gras is crazy down there. It's 2 weeks of parties. But the focus is the parades. Yeah there's bourbon street and tits, but that part is gross. The parades are the shit. 3-4 a night for two weeks. Being in a parade is a big deal. Most of them are a big "society" thing, with balls and all. But there are a few you can buy your way into. Our last year a few of my friends joined a krewe- aside from dues, they had to buy their own throws (beads)- $1000 each. In plastic beads. Per person. And there are, I dunno, 20 people per float? And 40 floats in some of the big parades. And these floats are no joke... they spend ALL YEAR building them.
It's amazing to me how crazy people will go over worthless plastic trinkets. People joke that that is why new orleans is sinking- because everyone's attics are full of beads. Oh, and paying money for beads is a sure sign of being a tourist. You can get PLENTY on your own. Even without flashing. Just yell 'throw me something mister" as they roll by, and you'll do just fine. And if you get shitty beads (small/short), you throw them at the tubas.

And fat tuesday itself- the final parades, Rex and Zulu, start at 8:30am. I only made it once. And the zulu coconut is the most coveted of all mardi gras throws... They take their religion seriously down there. At midnight the party is OVER. Lent has begun. Cops ride down Bourbon street on horseback and break things up. It's amazing.

And one other random bit of trivia- new orleans judges the success of mardi gras by the tons of trash generated. It's so nonstop crowded in the quarter that they can't really clean up for days at a time... you are wading through piss/vomit/beer and crushed plastic cups... yeah, sexy. You need a dedicated pair of shoes you are willing to part with.

Ah, waxing nostalgic...

Here are some old (and new) pix. I wish I had more, but it's hard to carry a camera around.


My house in New Orleans. It was awesome. Huge, and falling apart. 6 fireplaces, chandeliers, a balcony... 2" roaches, I mean "palmetto bugs" (like that makes them "cute" or something).


The court of one of the parades. They always reminded me a little of the KKK and were kind of scary.


See what I mean? Kind of scary.


This guy is a "flambeau". They are guys, usually black, who march with the parades, sweating their balls off, carrying these huge propane torches. You are supposed throw change to them.


One of the floats- "Cirrhosis: Bacchus's Less Attractive Brother"


Yeah, that's about what it feels like.




One parade. No flashing. I swear.


About the closest I have come to flashing.


Some poor unsuspecting boy at Coles got his ass grabbed by (e:kaerains)


Timika and Craig, who looks very evil. (he's not an (e:strip)per- I almost feel like I need to black his eyes out of the pic or something!)


Name that bathroom!

'Night kids!
-J

So, I had my nipple pierced this weekend. After I had my tongue done (9 years ago), everyone's first reaction was a raised eyebrow, a "why??", and sometimes a request for a blowjob. And I never had a very good answer. It was just something I wanted to do. I kept thinking about it, and finally decided I should just do it, or else I'd always wonder. And besides, I could always take it out. It's not so much a sex thing, or trying to send out some weird kinky slutty vibe... But just more that I like to not be TOTALLY plain vanilla predictable. Not like this was some big rebellion, but I generally find that people think I (a conservative, overly-educated, new england WASP) am not "the type" to be pierced, and I don't mind surprising people a little bit once in a while.

And so after I did my tongue, I thought about nipple for a while. But I never did it. And recently the idea popped back into my head. And wouldn't go away. But I had a few concerns. And I just wasn't sure I want to send out that message. I.e. I've gotten a few negative reactions when I mentioned it to people- namely that it is gross and skanky. So I hadn't decided for sure.

Then this weekend I found myself in CowPok, and I figured What the fuck. Why do I care what people think. If they think it makes me gross and skanky, well they're simply wrong. I like having a little 'secret', and also I think it looks kinda cool. And, well, yeah- I think it's hot.

I'm not sure why I feel the need to be so defensive. Hmm.

But anyway, all that is a prelude to wanted to wanted to post today-
So I had it done sat night. Yeah the actual piercing hurt. But just for a second. Then it was sore for a few hours, which was relieved by aleve and booze. And when I woke up sunday, it really didn't hurt much at all. Good all day yesterday, fine this morning... But as I started work today, I realized I should have put a little more thought into "right or left?". I arbitrarily chose left. Without thinking of the fact that the breast pocket on my white coat and scrubs is on the left. I keep my chapstick, pen, palm pilot, and patient list in that pocket. I take each of them in and out of my pocket an average of 17 million times a day. Not to mention that the heavy palm bounces a little with each step.

And it's not so much pain- but like a deep twinge that goes to my stomach and almost makes me a little nauseous. A very strange feeling. Perhaps a good feeling when I get used to it, but for now- oy. Makes me dizzy.