I'm so jealous of everyone off on their summer ventures while I sit around and struggle with paper work. It's time to grade my students and then focus on my thesis abstract. I hate it when you have to pull everything together and attempt to make sense. I'm in the CFA which is completely abandoned right now. I've been trying to figure out these travel plans for Germany. Ah Buffalo, be good to me.

I'm here at the CFA. The place is being rented out to all these people with save our Niagara airbase signs and the stairs are being guarded by coppers. They keep checking my ID everytime I want to come up the stairs. It's really annoying.
I did something amazing last night. I cleaned my apartment, every room except for the worst one of all, my bedroom. I'll get to that eventually. I mopped the floors and everything.
I'm getting so tired because I was up all night. I feel self-conscious these days because last Saturday a filling in my front tooth fell out because of the cavity growing behind it. Now I have a big black spot gracing my smile. I made a dentist appointment but it's not for a couple of weeks so in the meantime I'll just try to give the old toothless smile.
I was at the library. I found a few books. I'm still thinking of my thesis. The problem that I have is connecting a subject to my production. Usually when I make things I make them from life, from passing interest. I have some serious and important subjects that I'm interested in but I'm not sure how I could address something like that without making a boring documentary.
I kind of have an idea though, it would involve two different research sources, well, several sources but two main subjects. The first involving folktales/fairy-tales as a means to a process for production. The second subjects is more to do with content and it's less solid. I guess it involves sterotypes of white southerners as racist. The mass media's perspective and what it projects onto youth. I'm thinking of this also because of my own childhood perceptions of Germans and what I learned in school. Which was of course about the holocoust, actually I'm still learning about that all the time thanks to PBS. I wonder what this culture of guilt produces? I wonder what it changes or what it damages or what it helps and so on...
Then also I'm interested in commeration. That is the title of the workshop I'm sitting in on in Germany. Art and Commeration. I think that I have kind of a focal point here by comparing wwII to the american civil war. I know very different things or whatever but they both had these issues of discrimination. In Germany they just built a huge monuiment in berlin for the memory of holocost victims. I'm sure in the south nothing has ever really been done for the memory of the victioms of slavery and discrimination. Of course this day in age no one remembers those days, well, discrimination maybe but not slavery. Now slavery is stories, tales of what it was like, passed through generations, records, or imigination. I still believe in slavery though. Being trapped in an exsistance that is out of your hands and dependant on other humans and of course humans are the most vile, fickle, and wretched things ever.
What about the flag? A few years ago in Georgia they changed the state flag to rid it of the confedarate emblem. I wonder did germany ever have a state flag with a swastika? I'm sure they didn't. It would not have been allowed would it? I know that these days the little brithsh prince has been sporting a swastika as part of some sort of movement to reclaim the symbol with of course exsisted long before the nazi party.

so as you can see my thoughts of this second subject, the content subject is far from being clear or defined. Obviously I have no idea what the hell to do. Now it's almost time to go critique my students social commentary videos. Better get my ID ready so I can run smoke.

well, 5 missing students on a crit day. It was good for the ones who did show up, a nice laid back class. I have so much shit to do, I'll be happy when classes are over and I have time to think about the things that I need to do for myself. I love my video with Terry. I love pushing people to their limits. I have to go play some b-ball.

I'm at mom and dad's house. Everyone is down at the pond behind my brother's house. Kiah woke me up early but I was so hung over I went back to sleep. My mom told me she went to the living room to look for my friends, liz, soyeon and Arzu. poor baby.
I had a crazy time in Atlanta. Joy is a nut case. I love her. Her french husband seems nice. I got in touch with my old friend Alex miller, this is his web site, www.almill.com

Life is confusing. I turned 24 last Friday so I invited some buddies to my house to drink Jose Cuervo 1800 and rock it. The next night I went to a performance and then another party. Sunday, I sat around in my mess after sleeping all day and got together all these forms for Germany. I managed to locate my cell phone without having to clean up the party mess. I need to look around for some other peoples cellphones next. Rather than cleaning though, I'm at the UB library intent to focus on my thesis research for a few hours before I go prepare for class but when checking my e-mail just now I got a message from a certain someone stating

just so you know, I'm checking myself into a mental clinic

thanks again for everything

don't you dare write me back

so now I get to be destructed by that all day. I wonder what I could have done to avoid this bull shit. I don't understand why he's going all crazy. What the hell? I know life is tough but he's is pissing me off. I know it's hard when a relationship ends but it's not the end of the fucking world, especially if you were in a relationship with a mess like me. He's using me as an outlet for his anger with the shitty boring life he created for himself which I never had shit to do with. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
I'm flying to Georgia next weekend to watch Joy marry a french guy. It will be good to see Joy. It's been a while. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was with her. We've managed to keep in touch. [inlink ]robin,60[/inlink ] I'm determined not to bring her down with talk about my X. I'm determined not to bring anyone down. I want to pretend that there is no tomorrow everyday. I want chaos and clown suits along with beer and titty sucks.

plan for Wednesday- go to squeaky wheel open screening at 8, show some stuff and look at some stuff. Then head to the pink for some refreshment. Come on out y'all.

I was doing an editing demo on the projector. Then I said, "all right everyone to the editing suites." The students went to the suites and I ran to the bathroom. Right before class started I had eaten a crap load of black berries that I got from wegman's the night before. When I got them out of the fridge this morning one of them looked moldy so I threw it out washed off the rest and then devoured them.
In the UB bathroom all the blackberries returned to sight as I vomited them up. The tragic part is that I was having digestive problems on the other end at the same time. I had to make a choice so I sat on the toilet but then the vomit went all over the floor beside the toilet. It was the grossest looking(like those chunky blueish bits that sometimes come with menstrual blood) and sweetest tasting vomit that ever existed.
then I swabbed up what I could of my blackberry vomit, flushed it, and returned to the suites to help the kiddies edit. Now it's time to go home. I need to fill out paper work, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. but how else can I get to the Bauhaus? Then there's that thesis stuff. Oh, lordy. I just wanted some sweet sweet berries.

Well It's summertime therefore time to rock it. Writing journals in cafe Aroma sucks so I may be a little lacking lately. I'm happy to see Keith and Stickboy back on the chain gang. Paul and Mike, you guys are obligated to rock for Nonna's memory this summer. Drinking is a great way to prolong the grieving process, I bet.
I'm a camp counselor for college students this summer. They're nice people, these students. The class everyday thing is taking me back to simpler times.
Oh yeah, I'm trying to figure out this Germany stuff. I want to switch rooms with a girl but she wants to have roommates. I need to get in touch with the co-op house people.

It's not as hot as I'd like but we're going to go swimming today, maybe. I'm the only person awake right now.