"why am i white?" written by Robin on estrip.org

04/06/05 02:40 - ID#33538

why am i white?

My earliest memory about race is from the year 1986. I was a kindergarten student in a rural Georgia town. One day I asked my Mama "Why is Ben black"? Ben was one of my classmates. My Mama told me "because he's African, he's from Africa, a continent, it's a place, a location in the world." The next day I went to school and said to Ben "you're from Africa" and he laughed and laughed and replied "girl, I'm from Adairsville just like you." Then I felt upset because I could tell Ben wasn't lying, otherwise how could he have made me feel so stupid? That meant that my Mama was lying. I'm sure my Mama tried to explain later but at that time her words didn't make no damn sense.

Today in Steve's class he was talking about the black diaspora and how no matter where you come from if you're black you have a common bond with other black people. So that made me think of the Bob Marley lyrics "No matter where you come from as long as you're a black man you're an African." I've had time to reflect on that and it's brought up my childhood memory.

Why did I want to know why Ben was black? I probably had some type of race conception from my family but I don't think that's why I wanted to know. I think it was an innocent question, like asking "why is the sky blue? why is the grass green"? I remember asking my mother those questions and she got frustrated and said "robin, i don't know everything" so I told her "you do know you're just not telling me" and I believed that at the time.

I wonder why my Mama thought she knew why Ben was black when she didn't know why the sky was blue? I'm lucky I knew Ben because who knows how long I would have taken my Mother's word for truth if I never had that intercourse with him. I hope now that my words never hurt him or made him feel alienated, not that alienation is a bad thing. In this place alienation seems kind of necessary.

My sky/skin analogy seems short sighted, the color or shade of the sky is not a social construction. It's something that just is, right? Why can't people think in phenomenological terms? Race is a scary thing because it seems like it's somewhere in between being a social construction and something that just is. Every person is born with certain attributes that automatically place them within constraints because of a structure that was made up even before they were. Does that make sense?

I guess a good question is why didn't I ask my Mama "why am I white"?

ps. I can hear my upstairs neighbor fucking right now, sounds like he's into it.

Permalink: why_am_i_white_.html
Words: 484
Location: Buffalo, NY

04/05/05 07:33 - ID#33537

the wonder of coffee and smokes!

this is the little thing I'm working on. I still have to shoot the end. I want to call it The Death of the Videomaker, to reference, The Death of the Author

. The problem with that is I can't even remember what that bit of writing means. I'll try to read it and figure out. I'm pretty certain the essay has nothing to do with the themes of this video but I can create my own damn ideas. Why not?
Matthew you make me happy with your joy about the return of the little birds.

"it is always the principle of useful suffering and willing sacrifice which forms the most solid base for hierarchical power."
-Raoul Vaneigem The Revolution of Everyday Life

Permalink: the_wonder_of_coffee_and_smokes_.html
Words: 146
Location: Buffalo, NY

04/04/05 02:51 - ID#33536

healthy rant

I feel trapped and abandoned simultaneously. Then there is that little voice in my head that says "just borrow more more more, finish finish finish, I'm not sure if the voice is my own or that of my father. A 60 year old man who now blames his discontent with his life on his lack of patience with graduate school. He wrote to me saying" I have worked all my life at a job I did not like because I quit graduate school and it is no one's fault but mine."
I don't like any job I've had. Teaching young people how to edit video is not my goal in life, if fact it's a placid and dull activity even when both student and teacher put in excessive energy. Creativity lies outside of the institution, no matter how much recorded creativity a person brings in it's sucked dry by the shear wretchedness of the conditions of the life that civilized people live. What am I suggesting a back to nature philosophy?
Hell fucking no, I hate bug bites, I hate the elements, I hate being cold, I hate being hot, I hate the bright sunshine on the white snow blinding me when I drive, I hate reading by candlelight, I would really hate not being able to lock people out, but what I really hate is not being able in general, not being able to support myself, not being able to defend myself from not being able to better support myself.
I hate people, I hate everyone I know, especially those who I know the most, those who gave birth to me, those who guide me, those who love me, those who nurture me, when all the time they're really just looking out for there own damn self just like I am, every fucking day, I get angry because others are better at it than I am. I hate my life right now, I hate waiting for my loans to come so I can just spend them on my rent, my car insurance, my fucking electricity, my food, my energy, my power, spend my power.
I hate my fingernails how they fucking grow and grow and then I have to chop them so I can pull out my lenses that make me see like a normal person, that enable me to drive a car, that let me see the leaves on the tree, the creases in my neck, just another object to buy, my vision. Vision for fucking sale!

Permalink: healthy_rant.html
Words: 421
Location: Buffalo, NY

04/03/05 11:14 - ID#33535

POLTERGEIST! ghost and graves

ever stayed in the Lenox Hotel?

ps. I'm looking for a creepy out of the way graveyard to do a shooting at, does anyone have suggestions?

Permalink: POLTERGEIST_ghost_and_graves.html
Words: 35
Location: Buffalo, NY

04/03/05 08:53 - ID#33534

who's got the horses?

I want to ride a horse. I want to just run in circles in a big pasture but I've been looking at these horse renting places and it's like a dollar a minute to ride a horse. When I was a kid in the country it was easy. We had a couple horses but even if we didn't I had some buddies with horses. Some of y'all buffalo people have to know some country people around here don't ya?
I want to fly.
Ok maybe I can come up with 30 bucks. Anybody else want to drive to Warsaw

to ride a horse?

Permalink: who_s_got_the_horses_.html
Words: 108
Location: Buffalo, NY

04/02/05 10:20 - ID#33533

i need food

I'm getting cranky because I haven't had any food today. I told my friend I'd go to her party tonight but now i feel like staying home... but my superego is totally tripping. I'm poor, that's another excuse, How could I participate in a potluck when all I have is rotten fruit in the fridge and 14 bucks to last till pay day. Fuck the rent! Why are landlords so fucking money grubbing?
I was thinking oh, my landlord is so nice because he put a washer and drying in the basement but of course he had to put the kind that require coins to be operated. As if two months of my freaking rent isn't enough to cover the expense of the machines. Then there are the other 3 tenants in the building. Don't get me wrong my landlord is a friendly and understanding guy but Jesus. My fucking Dad rent's a house. He's just as bad I guess. Why in the hell are people so dead set on making g money off of people who have less money? Fucking Marx, he should have don e a better job coming up with a solution.
I'm going to the damn party

Permalink: i_need_food.html
Words: 199
Location: Buffalo, NY

04/02/05 05:51 - ID#33532

sleep!

all i do is sleep. all i want is sleep. i dreamed of keys and mice, murderers and flying, suicide and warehouses, crossroads and soldiers. the flying happens so often in my dreams that i always remember, in the dream, doing it before, having the ability. It starts out like jumping but a jump i can hold until it turns to flying, like a video game or something.

Permalink: sleep_.html
Words: 68
Location: Buffalo, NY

03/31/05 07:45 - ID#33531

diggin up bones

I came across my first installation when I was going through old footage a couple of hours ago. The installation was about the love of sex and the fear of children. I had some guys come up and draw on my belly and when they approached my body I turned up this horrible noise of a baby(kiah) having a fit. Still it was fun for me, I was laughing. The image of my stomach was being taped and mixed with a previously made video on a monitor.

Permalink: diggin_up_bones.html
Words: 104
Location: Buffalo, NY

03/27/05 06:22 - ID#33530

metal peter

I'd be more upset if people didn't check out my package.

Permalink: metal_peter.html
Words: 11
Location: Buffalo, NY

03/27/05 02:29 - ID#33529

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Natty Dreadlocks!
I'm on a music kick. I can't stop myself. I keep searching out every song I've loved when I need to read and write instead. Mr. S. Eastwood is going to have my head on a stick.
The guess who's coming to dinner song is in my head right now. I really need a Natty in my life...
I know the song from a car wash in Atlanta. It was right down the street. Andy was always going over there and filming. He was trying to make a music video for those guys. The had band practice there at the car wash. They useta rock it, jamming loud as all get out.
Once the band leader ordered a prostitute from the newspaper. That was funny. A man has needs, you know.

I just read this somewhere (the original Natty singer)
Black Uhuru: Apparently the original lead singer, Michael Rose, now drinks his own urine for religious reasons.

I'm getting curious about Antonin Artaud. Does anyone know anything about that guy?

Permalink: Guess_who_s_coming_to_dinner_.html
Words: 172
Location: Buffalo, NY