I kept telling people in Georgia about Steve's FBI trouble. I told my Mom and sister he's been building anthrax simulates to study for a book he was gonna write and they got freaked out and sided with the old govt. Ignorance is terrorism. People with less fear in their hearts just thinks it's sad.
I'm sad for myself. I know it's selfish but I was looking forward to Steve being around this summer and now, even if he is around, and I hope he is, ittle be weird cause what can I do to help? I'm not a therapist or even very sensitive. I'm about to become a part time flower waterer? I wish I were the governor of NY or something then I might have some power or prestige or something stupid like that.

My week long trip is over.
This morning I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend's roommate coming into their apartment. Andy crawled out of our twin bed and gave the guy his car keys. I was in my "I'm having a girl moment ... get lost" shirt, which Andy found very attractive for some reason. I was sweaty smelling like a human being.
I got up fixed my self a glass of water and smoked a cigarette. Then I crawled back into the bed with Andy. After that we both got out of bed and went into the living room and made our various phone calls. Andy is looking for a new place to live right now.
His future roommate, Ben, came over and we all went to eat at the Majestic and I smoked a gillizion cigarettes inside that place. Then Ben took me by the contemporary to drop off a tape to Mary and Satan was there and he asked if he could touch my breast. I said no and went back to the car where Ben and Andy were waiting. They dumped me out at the MARTA station.
While on the train I became mesmerized. The power lines were bobbing up and down against a bright blue sky with puffy white clouds as I was flying on wheels. I searched below my breast to make sure I didn't have sweat marks from the humid heat combined with carrying heavy bags on heels. I just barely made it onto my stand by flight at 5 PM.
The flight got into buffalo at 7PM and I knew I was home as we dropped through the clouds into a chilled, gray, and drizzly environment. Soyeon was waiting for me and she rambled on about a million things to do and I realized that my pace is a bit different from my time down south.

I've been reading short stories by Joyce Carol Oates. I've been curious about her writing since I video taped the talk at UB. She's a great writer, I suspected I would feel this way about her work. My Mom bought me, Faithless, a book of short stories by Oates. I've been going right through it. There is something comforting about her storytelling as depressing as it is. She set's a lot of the stories in small towns around Buffalo. Damn they're good but heavy I had to take a break from them.
I had a great day yesterday. I baby-sat Kiah for a long time, then went to eat with my family to celebrate my mom's retirement, and then I drove with my sister to Atlanta for a night on the town. I was wearing a low cut shirt, the Jesse shoes, and a blue jean mini skirt my Mom got me at Walmart the day before. I've never felt so sexy and virile in Walmart clothing ever before.
Well, Lori and I stopped by Andy's and picked him up and made him be out designated driver. Then we went out to a couple bars. Buffalo kicks Atlanta's ass as far as bars go but my sister loves to drink so we went out anyway but the bars close at 2!!! This is new it used to be 4. So at two we stopped by the gas station got more beer and headed back to Andy's and got baked.
I had the giggles. I kept reminiscing with Lori about our small town upbringing. We started talking about the big town festival, which as a child I pronounced Festabull. Andy made lots of fun of that with his straw chewing hillbilly impersonation. Eventually we all got tired and went to sleep, my sister on the futon and me with Andy.
Andy tried on my panties. He looked great in them. They were white cotton Grannie panties (very similar to manties), also a recent Walmart purchase. He really did fill them out nicely though, maybe I just admired it because he had a semi hard on and he has a lovely Dick. Whatever the case we ended up making love a few times, and I call it making love because in the middle of it he repeatedly told me "I love you, I love you" and so on. I didn't say it back I just giggled, I think. We had some good sex, I think I've got my mojo back.
We all got up around 11. We went to taco bell and then to the salvation army. Andy bought my clothes, that sucka, I got a orangeish polyester blazer and some jeans that fit like a glove. After that me and Lori dumped Andy out and headed back to Adairsville. We hit crazy traffic. Then we stopped by a clothing store and I got a funny shirt that says "I'm having a girl moment... Get lost!" I hate these kind of shirts but this one has puffed sleeves so I couldn't pass it up, well, that and it was only 3 dollars. Then we went to target and got a kiddy lease for Kiah so my Mom can keep up with her and Gracie when they go to the Bahamas next week.

Miss Kiah


Miss Gracie

The temperature here is 81. I'm attempting to clean this house, my dear old Mom and dads house but it's such a cluttered mass of disorganization that I'm not sure if it's possible.
Still I have to try so that way, if I ask for the use of a car and a little money to go with it they will be more likely to give in. There is an event at eyedrum tonight and I'd like to go and see if I can see some familiar people.
I had a strange involving a monologue I did in high school called Animal Salvation. I was in the gym at my old high school and everyone was sitting on one side of the room. I was trying to get over to the other side to sit because I pretty much despised everyone I was around. I guess the dream was about being out of place.
It was strange the other night when I spent the night with my boyfriend because I noticed the sheets on his bed were the same sheets that I lost my virginity on. I switched beds with Andy last year because his bed was to big for his new place.
Andy and I had sex, of course, I told myself that I wasn't going to but then there we were laying together in a twin bed and its 80 degrees outside and stuffy as hell in their apartment so I had to get necked and so did he and after that...
It wasn't great sex. I thought it was uncomfortable (thinking to much about my vaginal depth and cervix). He orgasamed and made these uhhh oh oh noises. I guess he had a pretty good orgasm because he was on hard for a while (thanks to a condom) I asked him if he faked his orgasm and he got offended and said it's normal to make noise during sex, not everybody is totally silent ya know? He was referring to me because usually the most noise I make involves breathing rather than moaning and screaming.
but yeah, I'll hang out with him again sometime.
My 3 yr. old niece Kiah is turning mean a little, she's says "your stupid and I'm not your best friend" knowing full and well that I'm smart and she is my best friend.

Funking Georgia
Well, I'm home. I had an easy time to catch the stand by flight yesterday and then I just took the train to andy's. I spent the night with him and my sister came and picked me up this moring so now I'm stuck in Adairsville for a while.
I'm washing some clothes and then I'll go get my niece from my cousin's.
It's fucking hot and humid here. You can swallow the air. I'm glad I'm only here a week.

My boyfriend just sent me this link, I'm still trying to figure out if he wants a pair.

Does anyone want to go to the graveyard with me today?

Look at this cute lil booger, don't I look like a mommy in this picture?

Cold Turkey

By Kurt Vonnegut
May 10, 2004

Many years ago, I was so innocent I still considered it possible that we
could become the humane and reasonable America so many members of my
generation used to dream of. We dreamed of such an America during the Great
Depression, when there were no jobs. And then we fought and often died for
that dream during the Second World War, when there was no peace.

But I know now that there is not a chance in hell of America’s becoming
humane and reasonable. Because power corrupts us, and absolute power
corrupts absolutely. Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on
power. By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in
danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the
Middle East? Their morale, like so many bodies, is already shot to pieces.
They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for
Christmas.

---

When you get to my age, if you get to my age, which is 81, and if you have
reproduced, you will find yourself asking your own children, who are
themselves middle-aged, what life is all about. I have seven kids, four of
them adopted.

Many of you reading this are probably the same age as my grandchildren.
They, like you, are being royally shafted and lied to by our Baby Boomer
corporations and government.

I put my big question about life to my biological son Mark. Mark is a
pediatrician, and author of a memoir, The Eden Express. It is about his
crackup, straightjacket and padded cell stuff, from which he recovered
sufficiently to graduate from Harvard Medical School.

Dr. Vonnegut said this to his doddering old dad: “Father, we are here to
help each other get through this thing, whatever it is.� So I pass that on
to you. Write it down, and put it in your computer, so you can forget it.

I have to say that’s a pretty good sound bite, almost as good as, “Do unto
others as you would have them do unto you.� A lot of people think Jesus said
that, because it is so much the sort of thing Jesus liked to say. But it was
actually said by Confucius, a Chinese philosopher, 500 years before there
was that greatest and most humane of human beings, named Jesus Christ.

The Chinese also gave us, via Marco Polo, pasta and the formula for
gunpowder. The Chinese were so dumb they only used gunpowder for fireworks.
And everybody was so dumb back then that nobody in either hemisphere even
knew that there was another one.

But back to people, like Confucius and Jesus and my son the doctor, Mark,
who’ve said how we could behave more humanely, and maybe make the world a
less painful place. One of my favorites is Eugene Debs, from Terre Haute in
my native state of Indiana. Get a load of this:

Eugene Debs, who died back in 1926, when I was only 4, ran 5 times as the
Socialist Party candidate for president, winning 900,000 votes, 6 percent of
the popular vote, in 1912, if you can imagine such a ballot. He had this to
say while campaigning:
As long as there is a lower class, I am in it.
As long as there is a criminal element, I’m of it.
As long as there is a soul in prison, I am not free.

Doesn’t anything socialistic make you want to throw up? Like great public
schools or health insurance for all?

How about Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes?

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. …

And so on.

Not exactly planks in a Republican platform. Not exactly Donald Rumsfeld or
Dick Cheney stuff.

For some rea
so
n, the most vocal Christians among us never mention the
Beatitudes. But, often with tears in their eyes, they demand that the Ten
Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course that’s Moses, not
Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the
Beatitudes, be posted anywhere.

“Blessed are the merciful� in a courtroom? “Blessed are the peacemakers� in
the Pentagon? Give me a break!

---

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don’t know what
can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

But, when you stop to think about it, only a nut case would want to be a
human being, if he or she had a choice. Such treacherous, untrustworthy,
lying and greedy animals we are!

I was born a human being in 1922 A.D. What does “A.D.� signify? That
commemorates an inmate of this lunatic asylum we call Earth who was nailed
to a wooden cross by a bunch of other inmates. With him still conscious,
they hammered spikes through his wrists and insteps, and into the wood. Then
they set the cross upright, so he dangled up there where even the shortest
person in the crowd could see him writhing this way and that.

Can you imagine people doing such a thing to a person?

No problem. That’s entertainment. Ask the devout Roman Catholic Mel Gibson,
who, as an act of piety, has just made a fortune with a movie about how
Jesus was tortured. Never mind what Jesus said.

During the reign of King Henry the Eighth, founder of the Church of England,
he had a counterfeiter boiled alive in public. Show biz again.

Mel Gibson’s next movie should be The Counterfeiter. Box office records will
again be broken.

One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on
television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

---

And what did the great British historian Edward Gibbon, 1737-1794 A.D., have
to say about the human record so far? He said, “History is indeed little
more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind.�

The same can be said about this morning’s edition of the New York Times.

The French-Algerian writer Albert Camus, who won a Nobel Prize for
Literature in 1957, wrote, “There is but one truly serious philosophical
problem, and that is suicide.�

So there’s another barrel of laughs from literature. Camus died in an
automobile accident. His dates? 1913-1960 A.D.

Listen. All great literature is about what a bummer it is to be a human
being: Moby Dick, Huckleberry Finn, The Red Badge of Courage, the Iliad and
the Odyssey, Crime and Punishment, the Bible and The Charge of the Light
Brigade.

But I have to say this in defense of humankind: No matter in what era in
history, including the Garden of Eden, everybody just got there. And, except
for the Garden of Eden, there were already all these crazy games going on,
which could make you act crazy, even if you weren’t crazy to begin with.
Some of the games that were already going on when you got here were love and
hate, liberalism and conservatism, automobiles and credit cards, golf and
girls’ basketball.

Even crazier than golf, though, is modern American politics, where, thanks
to TV and for the convenience of TV, you can only be one of two kinds of
human beings, either a liberal or a conservative.

Actually, this same sort of thing happened to the people of England
generations ago, and Sir William Gilbert, of the radical team of Gilbert and
Sullivan, wrote these words for a song about it back then:
I often think it’s comical
How nature always does contrive
That every boy and every gal
That&ac
irc;€™
s born into the world alive
Is either a little Liberal
Or else a little Conservative.

Which one are you in this country? It’s practically a law of life that you
have to be one or the other? If you aren’t one or the other, you might as
well be a doughnut.

If some of you still haven’t decided, I’ll make it easy for you.

If you want to take my guns away from me, and you’re all for murdering
fetuses, and love it when homosexuals marry each other, and want to give
them kitchen appliances at their showers, and you’re for the poor, you’re a
liberal.

If you are against those perversions and for the rich, you’re a
conservative.

What could be simpler?

---

My government’s got a war on drugs. But get this: The two most widely abused
and addictive and destructive of all substances are both perfectly legal.

One, of course, is ethyl alcohol. And President George W. Bush, no less, and
by his own admission, was smashed or tiddley-poo or four sheets to the wind
a good deal of the time from when he was 16 until he was 41. When he was 41,
he says, Jesus appeared to him and made him knock off the sauce, stop
gargling nose paint.

Other drunks have seen pink elephants.

And do you know why I think he is so pissed off at Arabs? They invented
algebra. Arabs also invented the numbers we use, including a symbol for
nothing, which nobody else had ever had before. You think Arabs are dumb?
Try doing long division with Roman numerals.

We’re spreading democracy, are we? Same way European explorers brought
Christianity to the Indians, what we now call “Native Americans.�

How ungrateful they were! How ungrateful are the people of Baghdad today.

So let’s give another big tax cut to the super-rich. That’ll teach bin Laden
a lesson he won’t soon forget. Hail to the Chief.

That chief and his cohorts have as little to do with Democracy as the
Europeans had to do with Christianity. We the people have absolutely no say
in whatever they choose to do next. In case you haven’t noticed, they’ve
already cleaned out the treasury, passing it out to pals in the war and
national security rackets, leaving your generation and the next one with a
perfectly enormous debt that you’ll be asked to repay.

Nobody let out a peep when they did that to you, because they have
disconnected every burglar alarm in the Constitution: The House, the Senate,
the Supreme Court, the FBI, the free press (which, having been embedded, has
forsaken the First Amendment) and We the People.

About my own history of foreign substance abuse. I’ve been a coward about
heroin and cocaine and LSD and so on, afraid they might put me over the
edge. I did smoke a joint of marijuana one time with Jerry Garcia and the
Grateful Dead, just to be sociable. It didn’t seem to do anything to me, one
way or the other, so I never did it again. And by the grace of God, or
whatever, I am not an alcoholic, largely a matter of genes. I take a couple
of drinks now and then, and will do it again tonight. But two is my limit.
No problem.

I am of course notoriously hooked on cigarettes. I keep hoping the things
will kill me. A fire at one end and a fool at the other.

But I’ll tell you one thing: I once had a high that not even crack cocaine
could match. That was when I got my first driver’s license! Look out, world,
here comes Kurt Vonnegut.

And my car back then, a Studebaker, as I recall, was powered, as are almost
all means of transportation and other machinery today, and electric power
plants and furnaces, by the most abused and addictive and destructive drugs
of all: fossil fuels.

When you got here, even when I got here, the ind
ustrialize
d world was
already hopelessly hooked on fossil fuels, and very soon now there won’t be
any more of those. Cold turkey.

Can I tell you the truth? I mean this isn’t like TV news, is it?

Here’s what I think the truth is: We are all addicts of fossil fuels in a
state of denial, about to face cold turkey.

And like so many addicts about to face cold turkey, our leaders are now
committing violent crimes to get what little is left of what we’re hooked
on.