how complicated sometimes, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, what the fuck is going on here? I got drunk Thursday, I got drunk Friday, and now Saturday night is approaching and I'm sure to show my face at the astronaut party. I've never in my life so I may as well this time.
My big sister refuses to talk to me. I wonder if its because I offered to do an act of violence for her but then chickened out? I just get scared of big guys sometimes. I made the offer to sporadically. I needed to form a posse to get my back first but by the time I did that Soyeon had disappeared. A little slap wouldn't hurt a big jerk like that anyway, I guess if I had done it in the crowd he might have had a momentary loss of pride.
I love my oldest sister. I reckon she needs a break from me. I get worries. Human beings are so delicate. I'm one of the lest delicate humans that I know. Then I pair up with people and I get afraid that I can destroy them by being insensitive and stupid. Damn it, I'm a little kid.

I just dreamed that my little cousin, Tanya, had two strange tattoos on her hand and lots of piercing. Her left hand tattoo was a sheet of paper folded in half with little berries all over and her right hand tattoo was the end of a key molded into a counter top.

for my asshole husband, stickboy, He's taking me to lunch in exchange for reading his book and offering him my feminine critique. I'll read for food any day.
That saves my belly for the day. I still need to clean up in here so bad. Jesse keeps telling me to hire Ragly but I can't. I'm to poor now. This mess has to go though. Oh, it's so bad. I'm so sick of it. Where to start?
1. take out all current trash
2. Start a new trash
3. put all dirty clothes in the closet across from the bathroom
4. put all cans and empty cigarette packs in the trash
5. put the bricks back on my shelf the put the top shelf back on
6. put VHS tapes and DVDs inside the end table under the monitor
7. put change in change jar
8. gather and wash all dishes
9. put sugar and stuff in cabinets
10. throw away old food
11. hang up hats and jackets
12. fold laundry on bed
13. put shoes in closet
14. clean out bags and purses
15. stack cassette tapes and mini DV tapes
16. find a good spot for my make-up throw out what I don't use
17. find a storage unit for collage materials
18. wash off counter tops and stove
19. take out trash again
20. Clean out sinks, toilet, and bathtub.
21. dust desk, computer, monitor, tables, and windows
22. sweep and mop floors
23. fold blankets
24. vacuum rug, loveseat, and chair.

I just went outside and what a lovely day. It feels like GA weather out there.

Weird thing, I can't seem to figure things.
I feel like I'm on welfare when I'm waiting for my dad to send me a check in the mail. It's the end of the week and I think my dear daddy forgot me, as well he should.
but the question is, how the hell will I get by? I guess I can scrape together all my change and buy my smokes. Haha, I can dress up real nice and go count out my pennies to an unfortunate cashier. I think on Sunday I might help Tony get started with the organization of his jail space.
I went to the mall yesterday and pretended to be on a day time TV make over show.Soyeon is funny. The first thing she did was turn me into a pink blob. I'm still not sure how I feel about people directing me, well, actually I know it makes me pretty damn uncomfortable but I ended up with some nice things. I exercised my right to agree all the day long.
Now I have barbie shoes.

Looking at the picture of my nieces below makes me wonder, why is Fisherprice such a bad thing?

My Mama just sent me this picture of my two little nieces. I strongly suspect it is Mama who's responsible for their matching dresses. Seeing that big pine tree behind the girls makes me miss my parent's back yard. I used to have a tire swing on that tree. It's so sunny, hot, and humid in Georgia.

Well, What now? Looks like some serious job hunting for me. I'll start tomorrow. I want some warmth up in this place, Damn it! I've got a lot to do and five dollars in my pocket. How is this going to work?
On Monday I helped Tony make announcements for the student screening. That was some silly business. On UB students and your basic doc masterpieces. I feel bad because Toward the end of the night up in the boot I was chatting with Meg when I leaned up against the deck and sent one of the documentaries into FF. I felt so bad but I still had to laugh a lot.
I'm going to be wasting my days I think. Does anyone want to waste their beautiful summer days away with me?

I went to part of the conference today where Stephanie was hosting a talk show where she interview Christopher and some other guy. Tony would call in with some questions every now and again. I was a little bored so I drew this picture about the dream I had last night.

One thing that caught my interest was Christopher talking about how children unlearn free cooperate in school. I kept thinking of the Sesame Street song and video that goes "Cooperation making it happen, cooperation, working together" it's a great kids song. I wish Christopher would have given some specific examples from life. It's so general, this kind of talk. The lady sitting in front of me started talking about home schooled kids and that made me think of all kinds of problems.
In Atlanta I have a cute petite 2nd cousin named Adrienne. When Adrienne was around eleven her mother took her out of school because she couldn't afford a private school and girls in Adrienne's public school were always threatening her because their little boyfriends like Adrienne. The big problem, I think, is that Adrienne is a white kid and the girls who want to beat her ass are black or Mexican, so in my mind my cousin is being racist for taking Adrienne out of school. Is that a good answer to a problem, run away and ignore, separate yourselves?
Atlanta is weird though. I dated two guys who grew up there. The first guy went to public school. He was a white boy names Sean, most of his friends were Afro-American and Sean was all about hip hop culture. He even thought he was a good rapper and his lisp made it pretty funny. Sean is a nice guy but he is involved with drugs on a level that is seriously dangerous to his health.
The second guy went to a private school and when I dated him he had just got out of Berkley school of music (along with 3 of his high school buddies). I hung out with him and his friends a lot and they were all white kids, well a few Jewish guys and one girl who was half French half Peruvian. They were the group that helped me realize that I am lower middle class (so way uncouth) when I just though I was middle class (well, I'm actually pretty impoverished if you look at my income, I'm going by my upbringing in the country here, I never felt poor I had the basics and more, you know?)
So yeah, Atlanta's schools bum me out. I've thought that it would be nice to go teach high school art in the public schools there just so I can help the kids get all pissed (and optimistically they could create something positive out of their knowledge of the negative) off about the social boundaries related to class and race that are in existence there. I'd probably get fired even if I got hired.
Back to the conference today. The lady in front of me also said that children learn how to be an individual in school. I think that is a short sighted statement because being an individual is something that can't be learned it is something that just is, from the time you are born. I was thinking about all the little mean spirited cliques in schools and how people are always struggling to fit in to one of them.
What do these groups mean to individuality and free cooperation? What the hell is free cooperation anyway, I still don't know about that.
Is it forced cooperation, when little girls join the cheerleading squad or the girl scouts or whatever? I remember when I was 8 years old I was walking around the playground with my friend Melissa. She said "let's start a club" I said "OK" Then she said "Elizabeth can't be in our club" and I asked "why not?" She told me something but I can't remember it because at the time I didn't understand it and it kind of hurt my feelings even though I wasn't the one being excluded. It has something do with Elizabeth being a dork or something but isn't everyone a dork? Shit. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'd better stop.

Today around one I go of the train at the Summer Best stop and I started walking down Summer to get to Elmwood. It was slightly uncomfortable walking because I was carrying a VHS camera in it's case. That dinosaur was giving my shoulder a work out.
When I got to Linwood the light had just changed and a cop was sitting there, He waved his hand to tell me I could pass. Then I walked across the street and he asked me "You work around here?" and I told him no, so he asked "You live around here" and I said Elmwood and he was like oh OK or whatever and I kept on walking.
I was getting paranoid thinking "does this guy think my camera is a bomb or something." It weirded me out a little but I kept on my route. When I was half a block from Elmwood the same cop had pulled and parked on the side of the road that I was walking on. He asked me "What do you do." I told him "I'm a student" he asked what I study I said media studies, then he asked if I was from Buffalo and I said no, Georgia and then he was all you came up here just to study and I was all yeah it was a long trek. Then he told me to have a nice day and I said you to and walked home.
I'm not sure if this guy was suspicious of me of if he just was interested in me either way I don't like it one bit. When Paul gave me a ride home the other night there were five cops in their cars on the street right outside my house. We were so creeped out. Cops are so damn scary. Why would a person want that job unless they have some power/control issues, scary. I'm scared. I'm nice. Leave me alone.