I just went outside and what a lovely day. It feels like GA weather out there.

Weird thing, I can't seem to figure things.
I feel like I'm on welfare when I'm waiting for my dad to send me a check in the mail. It's the end of the week and I think my dear daddy forgot me, as well he should.
but the question is, how the hell will I get by? I guess I can scrape together all my change and buy my smokes. Haha, I can dress up real nice and go count out my pennies to an unfortunate cashier. I think on Sunday I might help Tony get started with the organization of his jail space.
I went to the mall yesterday and pretended to be on a day time TV make over show.Soyeon is funny. The first thing she did was turn me into a pink blob. I'm still not sure how I feel about people directing me, well, actually I know it makes me pretty damn uncomfortable but I ended up with some nice things. I exercised my right to agree all the day long.
Now I have barbie shoes.

Looking at the picture of my nieces below makes me wonder, why is Fisherprice such a bad thing?

My Mama just sent me this picture of my two little nieces. I strongly suspect it is Mama who's responsible for their matching dresses. Seeing that big pine tree behind the girls makes me miss my parent's back yard. I used to have a tire swing on that tree. It's so sunny, hot, and humid in Georgia.

Well, What now? Looks like some serious job hunting for me. I'll start tomorrow. I want some warmth up in this place, Damn it! I've got a lot to do and five dollars in my pocket. How is this going to work?
On Monday I helped Tony make announcements for the student screening. That was some silly business. On UB students and your basic doc masterpieces. I feel bad because Toward the end of the night up in the boot I was chatting with Meg when I leaned up against the deck and sent one of the documentaries into FF. I felt so bad but I still had to laugh a lot.
I'm going to be wasting my days I think. Does anyone want to waste their beautiful summer days away with me?

I went to part of the conference today where Stephanie was hosting a talk show where she interview Christopher and some other guy. Tony would call in with some questions every now and again. I was a little bored so I drew this picture about the dream I had last night.

One thing that caught my interest was Christopher talking about how children unlearn free cooperate in school. I kept thinking of the Sesame Street song and video that goes "Cooperation making it happen, cooperation, working together" it's a great kids song. I wish Christopher would have given some specific examples from life. It's so general, this kind of talk. The lady sitting in front of me started talking about home schooled kids and that made me think of all kinds of problems.
In Atlanta I have a cute petite 2nd cousin named Adrienne. When Adrienne was around eleven her mother took her out of school because she couldn't afford a private school and girls in Adrienne's public school were always threatening her because their little boyfriends like Adrienne. The big problem, I think, is that Adrienne is a white kid and the girls who want to beat her ass are black or Mexican, so in my mind my cousin is being racist for taking Adrienne out of school. Is that a good answer to a problem, run away and ignore, separate yourselves?
Atlanta is weird though. I dated two guys who grew up there. The first guy went to public school. He was a white boy names Sean, most of his friends were Afro-American and Sean was all about hip hop culture. He even thought he was a good rapper and his lisp made it pretty funny. Sean is a nice guy but he is involved with drugs on a level that is seriously dangerous to his health.
The second guy went to a private school and when I dated him he had just got out of Berkley school of music (along with 3 of his high school buddies). I hung out with him and his friends a lot and they were all white kids, well a few Jewish guys and one girl who was half French half Peruvian. They were the group that helped me realize that I am lower middle class (so way uncouth) when I just though I was middle class (well, I'm actually pretty impoverished if you look at my income, I'm going by my upbringing in the country here, I never felt poor I had the basics and more, you know?)
So yeah, Atlanta's schools bum me out. I've thought that it would be nice to go teach high school art in the public schools there just so I can help the kids get all pissed (and optimistically they could create something positive out of their knowledge of the negative) off about the social boundaries related to class and race that are in existence there. I'd probably get fired even if I got hired.
Back to the conference today. The lady in front of me also said that children learn how to be an individual in school. I think that is a short sighted statement because being an individual is something that can't be learned it is something that just is, from the time you are born. I was thinking about all the little mean spirited cliques in schools and how people are always struggling to fit in to one of them.
What do these groups mean to individuality and free cooperation? What the hell is free cooperation anyway, I still don't know about that.
Is it forced cooperation, when little girls join the cheerleading squad or the girl scouts or whatever? I remember when I was 8 years old I was walking around the playground with my friend Melissa. She said "let's start a club" I said "OK" Then she said "Elizabeth can't be in our club" and I asked "why not?" She told me something but I can't remember it because at the time I didn't understand it and it kind of hurt my feelings even though I wasn't the one being excluded. It has something do with Elizabeth being a dork or something but isn't everyone a dork? Shit. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'd better stop.

Today around one I go of the train at the Summer Best stop and I started walking down Summer to get to Elmwood. It was slightly uncomfortable walking because I was carrying a VHS camera in it's case. That dinosaur was giving my shoulder a work out.
When I got to Linwood the light had just changed and a cop was sitting there, He waved his hand to tell me I could pass. Then I walked across the street and he asked me "You work around here?" and I told him no, so he asked "You live around here" and I said Elmwood and he was like oh OK or whatever and I kept on walking.
I was getting paranoid thinking "does this guy think my camera is a bomb or something." It weirded me out a little but I kept on my route. When I was half a block from Elmwood the same cop had pulled and parked on the side of the road that I was walking on. He asked me "What do you do." I told him "I'm a student" he asked what I study I said media studies, then he asked if I was from Buffalo and I said no, Georgia and then he was all you came up here just to study and I was all yeah it was a long trek. Then he told me to have a nice day and I said you to and walked home.
I'm not sure if this guy was suspicious of me of if he just was interested in me either way I don't like it one bit. When Paul gave me a ride home the other night there were five cops in their cars on the street right outside my house. We were so creeped out. Cops are so damn scary. Why would a person want that job unless they have some power/control issues, scary. I'm scared. I'm nice. Leave me alone.

This morning around 9 I woke up to the most annoying sounds. It sounded like a person in wooden boots tramping around on the wooden floors in the apartment above me. I was so bothered that I turned on my stereo full blast, after a minute of that the noise above me got louder and I could hear plaster falling. You know that sound you get when you put a nail somewhere you shouldn't. I was so pissed off I turned off my radio and screamed at the top of my lungs "SHUT UP, I CAN'T TAKE THIS, GOD DAMN IT." Then the noise shut up for minute but then it started again. I was so pissed off. I hate waking up before the time I've allotted for myself.
My alarm just went off so now is the time I should be waking. It's good though that those crazies woke me up this morning because I'm doing a load of laundry and will actually be able to wear panties for the first time in weeks.
I had a strange dream about a molester named Jojo. I was sleeping on the couch and he wanted to spend the night but I told him there wasn't room and then in the dream I had a flashback to being in the pool with him. He had a gun and shot himself in the finger when he was shooting at my brother. I took his finger and put it under the water because that is the only way he could feel the sting to know he had been shot so he asked me how I knew to do that and it was because he's shot me in the stomach a few minutes before.

Thank Baubo for Paul, he just saved my life. Paul you rock so hard.

I'm so mad. This stupid movie upload to the server. What the hell am i doinng in the media studies department, fucking shit, I think our kanas city have the right idea getting out of here!!! Jesus, I'm so mad. Why want it work? Damn it! Why!why! why! I need help so bad God Damn It, Fucking Shit, Damn it Damn it. It works on this machine. I'm so pissed, totally pissed, work work work.