I slept all day and missed the last day of the show at city hall. I'm such an idiot sometimes. Soyeon is the best. She took me out for dinner last night because we were so hungry and I'm so poor right now.
I'll be shipped back to GA pretty soon if I can't find a job for the summer. It's not that I don't love my family it's just that I don't like them that much, except my little niece, Kiah, I missed her the most. She is three years old now and smart as a whip even though her daddy is a jailbird with three nipples. My sister is sending me a carton of smokes in exchange for some baby-sitting in the future.
I was in my first year of college when my sister got pregnant. One time she called me to talk about baby names. I was so bad back then. I worked in the High museum pushing the elevator button to do my part in helping herd the crowd of suburbanites who'd come to see prints by Norman Rockwell up to the third floor. I had to click a counter as each person walked by. Usually during my lunch break I would walk half a block over to my dorm room and get stoned and listen to Mr. Marley and The Wailers, so when I returned to work I would pace in eyes glazed circles singing "Lord, I gotta keep on moving, Lord, I gotta get on down." It helped me with getting my 8 bucks an hour. My supervisor George Boozer, a middle-aged man in a suit, was always hitting on me. I thought he was gross but funny. He was demoted after 9/11 which made me sad because he'd been working there for 40 years when I worked there.
Well, on the day my sister called to talk baby names I was listening to a song titled Kaya. I love that song. It's optimistic. My sister told me she was thinking of naming the baby Kayleen I was like "Hell no, name the baby Kaya" and she did but she changed the spelling, silly lady. I think it's funny I named my niece after herb. Could that be why I love her so much?
I've got 6 dollars to last until Tuesday right now. How am I going to make that work out? If anyone wants to invite me to dinner I will gladly accept. I love eating. My belly proves it.

I got married three times. Swati was my first so she will remain ever special in my heart. Then me and Tony got hitched, then me and stickboy. I enjoyed the unions and will post the photos as soon as the reverend gets me a copy.
I put the Baubo video at an eye level for children so they could go right up to the pipe and watch without their parent looking over there shoulder. It worked. There were a few kids in and out during the opening. I think it's fantastic that I can show kids the goddess of obscenity and belly laughter singing christian children song, Deep and Wide.
All in all the show made me feel a little hollow. It's not the work it's more the process of making and displaying. City Hall is a strange venue. I've been working on this installation for so long, and it's going to be up for three more days but then it's over. I guess what I'm wondering is what's my reward? personal satisfaction stemming from self expression? No, that can't be it because I feel distinctly unsatisfied also I think self expression is so lame.
Jesus, I'm confused. What do I want with this art making bull shit? I've been trying and doing, working and making for so long and what I get in return is conversation and if I'm lucky a pat on the back. I guess I can document this thing and use it in the future when I'm dealing with some kind of art application portfolio trickery.
I don't get why I'm bummed out to be finished. This is supposed to be the happy part where I'm all "Hey everybody, look what I did" " Look Mommy watch me go down the slide!"

All these kids keep makng sound. I wish they would get out of the pro tools room so I could catch a few winks on the couch. We need a student lounge on this fine campus. My looping is over now I've just gotta wait on Carolyn to get here in the morning so I can dump all this equipment I have to borrow into her car.
Fuck not having a car! It's a pain in my ass.
I was up at city hall this evening. I left around 10:15 and walked to the train. It was puoring down rain. I got to south campus around 11 or so and started a quest for a pack of cigarettes. Those fuckers at Tops, they suck so bad. I wish bad things on that bitch who would not sell me cigarettes. Why is it that they can sell every other fucking product at 11 but no cigarettes? Why is it that dumb, asshole, store working bitches have to follow the rules, what a bunch of chicken shit cuntrags. Jesus, I'm getting all pissed off just remembering.
So the nice security guy at Tops tells me where. Jesus, I'm just remember that woman who was such a bitch. I can't stop. I want to hurt her so bad. i want to kick her in the shins...oh wait the best fantasy I had as I was walking through the sleeting rain was to go into the parking lot and slightly damage the front of her car and stick some fabric from my coat onto it. Then after she pulls away I would wait a minute or two and then inflict wounds onto myself some how(I never really figured out how to do this) but after that I would call 911 on my cell phone an be all like " Some person just ran over me, Oh I'm in pain, bllah blah.' So that fucking sheep of a woman who refused to sell me cigarettes would go to jail for a hit and run. that would make me happy.
Back to the story. The Tops shitheads sent me 4 blocks away to a gas station on bailey and it turned out to be closed. I went into a blockbuster and asked where the nearest gas station was but the guy who worked there was a fucking idiot as well. I was about to cry at this point.
I turned around and backtracked 10 blocks and then walked two or three more. I finally arrived at the mobil on Main and the guy who worked there was nice and cute. I told him about the woes of my journey and he felt sympathy for me as he sold my my cigarettes. Then he told me not to worry because it was only 12 and the last shuttle bus for N campus leaves at 12:30.
So here I am at 5:35, barefoot wishing the kids would go home so I could sleep. My shoes and socks are still soaking wet and my shoulders are all achy but at least I'm through with my loops and I have two packs of cigarettes.

This is a letter I got from a list serv in Atlanta.

Hello everybody,
It looks like the situation in Iraq is even worse than we thought. Read the following eyewitness accounts of what has been going on in Iraq lately. One of the eyewitness is an Italian , Paola Gaspiroli, who we met in Baghdad last month. She is still there, but she is getting ready to leave because the situation is getting too dangerous for foreigners. The mainstream press has been reporting some of this, but clearly the situation is much worse according to these accounts. Obviously, the press has reported that the occupying forces are in a very tough situation and soldiers are being killed everyday, but i don't think they've paid enough attention to the disproportionate killing and damage the occupying forces are inflicting on Iraqis everyday. You can also go to Al jazeera to get more information.

I must warn you, if you click on the link on the right titled, Aljazeera exclusive in pictures: Falluja siege, you will see very graphic pictures of the victims of this war. Feel free to forward this message.
Peace,
Manuel
--
Manuel Llaneras
Manuel Llaneras Photography
1014 Edgewood Avenue #2
Atlanta, Georgia 30307
email: manuel@mlphotography.com
website:
phone: 404-577-2474

I think I came from these people. This computer used to be my parents so I've found some strange stuff on here. I think these people were great great grand parents or something.

Soyeon wants to know what happened. I used to be so cute. I don't understand it either.

Dream 2
After running from alligators in my grandmas pond I ended up laying with a gay guy. His feet were facing the way my head was. I was his slave or something. I rubbed him with my body. It worked. He came on to be on top of me. We kissed and I was rotating my thighs. I could feel his hard dick. I wanted it to be in my pussy but we stopped. He was necked and still kind of hard. I grabbed his dick and put it in my mouth. I tried to remember what Andy told me and use my tongue but it was a fruitless effort. The guys penis faced the floor standing even when it was hard. I told him that I was sorry and I had never been to good at sucking dick. I'm always afraid my teeth with hurt them. The guy said that it was ok, it was a different kind of love and you just had to look for certain points or signs.

Well, this long distance thing with Andy is over, I think. He sent me a weird e-mail a while ago and hasn't spoken to me again. He said our egos were to big to be in the same boat or some shit like that. I understand I'm full of myself half the time. It's annoying I guess, but it's nothing new. It's just one of the stupid things that helps me to function in this bull shit life.
I've been dealing with it well, right now is the first time I've cried. It's bad when I cry, I can't stop because I always go back to the saddest time in my life. Now I keep thinking about when I found out for sure that Matthew was dead. I went to Andy's apartment and he hugged me while I cried. Andy was my neighbor then. I was depressed. I would go sleep with him sometimes just because I was so sad and lonely. At that time I was making bad decisions and having sex with some heartless assholes but Andy would always listen to my stories and he never tried anything with me. We used to hang out everyday. We didn't start this sexual relationship thing until a couple of months before I moved up here.
This morning I had a dream that I was at my parents house on the phone with Andy. I was going outside to the rabbit cage on the front porch. I told Andy "My parents got me a rabbit" he asked "is it white" I told him "no, its brown with a black face" I remember I felt happy about that because the red eyes of white rabbits freak me out. Well, after that I got the rabbit out of the cage and I hugged it so hard that it squeaked at me. Its long soft ears were brushing against my cheek. There was something else around me and the rabbit. I can't remember if it was a dog or a chicken. It was some type of overexcited animal.
Rabbit Definition:     Seeing a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize your sexual activity. Seeing a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness of a lover.     
So yeah, this dream bothered me because I was talking to Andy just like he was still my best friend.
I started my period today. I bet my estrogen levels are causing my emotions to flare up. I'm stressed out with my work and I'm stressed out because I need to find work, soon! Work that I actually get paid for. I'm depressed because I can't even afford Midol right now, I was pissed because I had to spend money on tampons, 2.99 for 10 of those suckers. It's cheaper to get them from the quarter machine at school, unfortunately that thing's not always so reliable.
I've stopped crying. This writing stuff is good I reckon. It makes you attempt thought organization. That's to rational a process to sync well with crying.
I got super drunk on Thursday night. I had a great time. The film candidate guy seems nice. I love to see others in a state of severe intoxication. To bad I had the PMS and hangover mix all day Friday. Alcohol affects women more when they are menstruating.

Can you believe my type keys work now? I don't understand this machine, I think it's fucking with me.

I had some company over, around three graduate students. We were in my apartment eating lunch or something. I noticed that my chin skin was peeling. I washed my face in the bathroom. I noticed a black tip on the end or a zit below my lip. I squeezed the zit and a black tick came out. Disgusted I threw the tick in the toilet and flushed. Then I looked in the mirror and this mosquito spider thing was coming out of the zit. Then these mosquito spider things were all over the bathroom. I freaked out and went and got one of the students. He had a fly swatter and started killing them. I went for the bug spray. Later on I was watching T. V. and the news was talking about a SARS epidemic involving mosquito spider things, it gave me a number to call, 882 7651 or something like that. I went to school and ran into Meg. I told her about the mosquito spider things and she agreed that I had better call. Meg was looking for some woman who had left an expensive and well known painting in the back-seat of her car. People were afraid that students would steal it. It was of flowers and a person with one eye like on a playing card or something.