So the baby is almost 5 months old now, and despite eating right and exercising regularly, i have not lost a single pound. How discouraging.

I am trying to remain positive, but i hate how I look and am fixated on it. I really make a terrible fat person. I don't like my clothes, but I also don't want to buy new ones because I feel like that means giving in. I'll just deal with having two pairs of jeans till my ass looks good in a pair.

So then it dawns on me... maybe I'm fat and miserable because of birth control (well, lack thereof was the start of it all, but we don't need to go into that...). SO today is day one of no pill. We'll see if it works. I hope I don't go through some terrible hormone crash, but I'm sure I will. Them's the breaks. (But deciding that we shouldn't have sex anymore will NOT make me feel better about myself... YOU know who you are)!

On that note, I guess people really take different factors to feel good about themselves. I think I always assumed people needed the same things as me (generally speaking of course) but I know now that I'm wrong. I guess that's one of the hardest parts of being in a functional relationship with someone... finding a way to allow each other to be happy even if it means a compromise and ultimately a little less happiness for each of you. I would hope that the people I love would do what they needed to do in order to be happy, and I hope that I have been supportive of that. Being with an unhappy person is just as bad as being the one unhappy. And regret hurts everyone, not just the individual bearing it.

So I guess that it's up to everyone to do what they need to do. Not doing so doesn't make the desire go away; the truth of situations needs to get hammered out or it will just come back. I learned a valuable lesson from the most hateful person a long time ago... when I told him how unhappy he made me, he told me that he couldn't make me feel anything, that was all me. what a valuable lesson that was. I try to take that with me as a reminder to do what I must and to love other people for doing the same. I hope that I am successful in doing so.

So I have a small addiction to NPR and while gettin high on it today I heard about the auctioning of the waters of northwest Alaska to the oil companies. 29 million acres to be exact. There was a record bid of $2.6 billion, which leads me to believe that anyone can get what they want for the right amount of money. It made me kinda sick. Not to mention this is polar bear land, and they are already being threatened by global warming- the first species to be on the list. (which leads me to the next reference to polar bears that I had today- did you know their skin is black and their fur is actually transparent so that it absorbs heat... you go talking about polar bears and you learn all SORTS of stuff).

Now I'm not a super freak environmentalist or anything. It was more like a gut feeling of wrong with the situation. It seems like the last lingering of hope of any preservation. I know we need oil (I also have my own conspiracy theories on that... just look up the hemp industry in this country if you think our country has good intentions about our resources), but I wonder if this oil is going to be worth all the destruction it will cause. They estimate a 50% chance of an oil spill because it is water not land. Those stakes seem a little high to me. I have never been to Alaska but my sister-in-law's family owns property there and I saw pictures of my brother's trip- it was the kind of beauty that makes the world still seem okay, like we haven't completely killed it yet.

Oh and here rare the cute babies. Yes, that's right, babies babies babies. :P

Missing Image ;(

Missing Image ;(

Okay, so I don't know if anyone has seen the Simpsons where Homer finds the screaming worm and wants to kill it but it's endangered, so he has to care for it? Well, that's what Fern sounds like the past week or so, and I'm super proud of her for trying out her lungs but I feel like my head is going to implode. Oh, man she looks so proud of herself when she does it! Man babies are lucky they're cute, or there would be a lot more porch drop-offs at the orphanage...

Okay, so I signed up for this site ages ago (well (e:enknot) signed me up really) and for some reason I have never written a journal. And it's true, I'm not much for airing my personal issues out to dry, but I am mostly just reserved for a preliminary period. Watch out after that's over!
I felt very compelled to respond to the journals written regarding children and religion (I know, I'm one of the creepys who reads but doesn't contribute). Religion is so huge in my life, yet so very insignificant. I am fascinated with all types of religion, but never could commit to one. I try not to commit myself to any one absolute, any right answer. How limited that would leave me as a person. But I am always interested in new ways of finding strength and good, be it in myself or others.
For some reason, my 5 year old decided to pursue devout christianity a few months back. How this came to be is only speculation and really does not matter to me. What matters is her interest in knowledge. I do anything I can to support that, even if I don't agree with the information.
I do agree with the morals, however. I was raised methodist and was given the choice to continue my religion immediately after I was confirmed at 11. By then all the fantastical allure of religion had faded and I really didn't believe anymore. But I still decided to go to church with my mom, because I wanted to work in the daycare. I can't say today whether or not religion played a part in me having sound morals, but I don't think it could have hurt.
Religion gets a bad rap sometimes. I'm not saying that it is entirely undeserved- there is some messed up stuff that is undeniably wrong with every religion. But what kind of idiot takes ANYTHING for face value? Religion is supposed to inspire thought, not replace it.
And as far as the whole science and religion thing.... I totally misled Mya when I told her some people believe science, some God ("I pick God!"). My intentions with my children is to give it to them straight no matter how ugly (as much as is reasonable, they're both really little), and I wanted her to know of the classic dichotomy between the two. How fortunate it isn't so cut and dry anymore, but unless history is understood it is bound to get repeated. I unintentionally repeated that, but hey, I've got a few years to correct all that I hope.
One final note. Exposure is the path to good choices. Restriction leads to poor choices (come on, I know some of you had super strict parents then lost your mind in college. I know I did). My job as a parent is not to tell my children what to do or believe, but to make them understand what they should do and find what they truly believe. I know I won't always succeed at this, but I do hope I always strive for it.