Jealousy will slowly kill us all - it is gut wrenching and evil. Fuck that - Fuck them - Fuck him. TK, baby, I love you. Maybe now there will be a little more clarity, within everything, and that path to move on will finally look like a good way to go this time. Always knowing who you are, how good you are, and how special you will always be is what is on the plate now. Take that inner journey and project it outward ... and hopefully then we will stumble upon common ground - that ground that we are meant to be on.

Hahahah - I really am suprising myself on how much I have been slacking with this lately. I thought it would be easier for me to keep up with this journal, day to day...but I have found myself keeping up more so with my written journal at home - Oops! Well, that's a good thing, but, anyways....I had a strange, strange weekend. I came to find out that I have to take a break from someone that I love so much - that I thought was different. She is being changed by drugs - they are taking over her body, mind and soul. I hate it - and she really let me down this weekend...so much that it was one of the components of my stress and anxiety, that eventually caused me to have a severe panic attack while driving on a thruway to New Jersey on Friday evening, all by myself!! It's funny that both times that I have had those awful attacks have been while I was driving on a thruway - not in daylight. Scary as hell, let me tell you. I have to step back and take a really good look at things in that department, with people like that - and steer clear of things that will cause me so much stress. I will also make it a point to never drive that far of a distance, by myself ... at least, for awhile.

I had a nice relaxing Sunday evening, and yesterday too, which helped end my long weekend on a good note. I am extremely exhausted today though ... it seems like I can just never get enough sleep these days.

According to Dr. "can't remember his name," with 'some study,' sleeping from 4.5-6.5 hours per night/day will lead to the longest lasting life and health.

I don't even think I am getting that, so that sucks!! Crap!! I'll have to work on that.

Well, I am excited to be home in Buffalo, and I am excited for Saturday, because it is Neil's Birthday!! Happy Stupid Valentines Day too!! Yuck!! hahaha

Well, it is monday once again - YUCK - I really do not care for the beginning of the week. This weekend went by way too fast...but I did have a good time. Paul's birthday party was really fun, although I was only there for about an hour, maybe not even...not by my choice though (just to let you boys know that!!!! I wanted to stay!!). Maybe in reflection of that situation, I shall start to go to parties by my lonesome, so I can come and go as I please, instead of dragging along 55 people with me!! Suprisingly, I did in fact make it to my child abuse and neglect training session on Saturday morning at 9:00, which was a shocker, on only 2.5 hours of sleep! Deciding on the way home from my training that I was going to lay my ass right back down to bed .... but that didn't last very long. Instead, Megan, Kat, Courtney and I decided we in need of a wonderful steak sandwich from the Pink, and a couple of beers, at 1:30 in the afternoon!! It was funny - we are crazy.

Hopefully next time we have a party at our place, Matthew, Paul and Terry will come over!!! That would be oh so special!!! Haha
I saw all of your pictures from the party, they were great. TK - u looked hot in those yellow pants baby!! =)

Ok, back to work ..........

Wow - I feel bad that I haven't kept up with my journal in awhile ... maybe I have been feeling out of touch - with myself, and especially with others very close to me (or I thought they were close to me), lately....

But Terry made a comment to me the other night that I should write in my journal!!! hahaha - i got caught!! Actually, thanks Terry, because I almost forgot that I had forgot to write in it...and I was planning on writing in it soon!! hahaha...... anyways.... Yeah, that was a good night - TK brought Terry over, finally!!! I tried to get those boys over to my damn place forever ... especially on New Years, but then we both ended up having parties!! It was funny!! Oh yeah, also - TK - thanks for wearing yo' hair all funkay for me ... it's much appreciated!! Tonight is the birthday party for Paul ... TK and Terry invited me, so I guess I am gonna go!! Gonna get blunted my brotha... haha, nope, gonna get drunky though!! Good times!!

Finally 2004 - weird as hell!!!
Came way too fast, just as everything is just going by way too fast.

The New Years Eve party was a hit, I guess I can say that ... but my cousin/roommate ended up falling asleep at about 12:30, right after the ball dropped!!! It was kind of funny, but her presece was missed most of the night.

Things ended up changing in my favor, which is really unbeievable. I am glad that I can feel that things are finally in my range of understanding - clarity ... yesssssss!!!! That's always good to have. I am with TK on this one ... if you want something, go out and fucking get it. Don't give up, don't let go. No regrets for not trying or leaving behind .... as it were, if it was. I love you TK baby - miss you!!!

Got a new job interview this week - finally, something new!!! Hopefully all goes well. It was scheduled for today, but got cancelled because of the 'bad weather??!!' Whatever - it works for me, cuz now me and i's plans to go to Toronto can finally happen!!! Be back soon!!

I'm in total shock, and disbelief, that it is already the new year - 2004 - that's crazy. Another year flew by ... another year to leave behind. Here is to new beginnings!

These past couple of days have left a sour taste in my mouth, along with a stomach that's feels as though its swimming in anxiety and confusion. Nervousness - oooohhhh yeeeaaahhhh.
"Please, Please, Please ... Let me, Let me, Let me ... get what I want, this time ..."
TK - you feel me, don't you??? hahha - we love it.

But that is my phrase of the day, or rather for the past couple of days, and until I encounter this unknown thing that's plaguing my heart and ....... yuck. Anyways ...

Happy New Year to everyone - Party at my place tonight - 488 Breckenridge St. Second floor.

Christmas was very strange this year ... for the first time it didn't feel like christmas, most likely because this year is totally different and unpredictable from my past years. I didn't go to Church this year,for the first time, on Christmas - that threw me off a little bit also. I didn't really feel like going, because I usually find it to be really boring and meaningless these days - which could be a bad thing?? I just don't really know how I feel about my religion lately, so I have combat some of these obstacles ... but in the meantime, I will just be in that endless battle, as it seems to be lately.

Having a special "man friend" this year for Christmas was another strange thing. I actually got to bring 'i' to my family party on Christmas Eve, and he also got the opportunity to wake up in the morning at good old Andy and Linda's house, and see our Christmas morning thang'! It was funny. He liked his gift though, which is a good thing. Quite nervous about that one, so I am extremely glad it is over now.

I got some candy coated love for Christmas this year, which was very nice, and a damn good deck of Tarot cards - so I will be doin' some homework with those in the near future.

All in all, things change, and I like that - but at the same time, it really throws me into a strange loop somewhere out there. To deal is a great challenge, and I suppose I am always up for that.

It's the weekend though!! Hmmmm, what is gonna happen? We will see...

So extremely excited, for today is my last day of work for almost a week!!! Thank god for the Holidays!!! I am very sick of my desk job - need some excitement; need a challenge. I just cannot believe that it is already Christmas time again ... seems like just yesterday it was the beginning of summer!! Life is just flying by, it's scaring me!

I have been in pretty good spirits today, which is pleasant for me, and for others around me, but I do just have one thing to say, in reflection of this weekend ... well, actually, in reflection of the past month or so, too...

"Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you"

A little bit of brain candy for ya'll...

Have a good one

Oh yeah, and I think we actually will be having a New Years Eve Party ... so come on down to the Breckencrib everyone, and celebrate with us!

I tried to do this the other day, but it didn't work, but I'm in now. It's Monday, the 22nd, and I hate Mondays ... had a pretty okay weekend, except for Friday night, because I was sick. My flacid friend introduced me to this site, and I will try to keep up with my journal as much as possible. I actually think it might be easier to keep up with this one, versus my hand written journal.
Went to the Claremont christmas party on saturday ... many good times, but I was in rare form, I must admit - Bacardi will do that to me, unfortunately, along with a mix of cold medicine (probably not too smart!! ). My hands are a little swollen though, as I participated in the drum circle for awhile there. Must have been beating on the drum a little wrong, and now have somewhat bruised hands. Lost my keys to my car/house that night too...or else I thought I did, until I realized they were tucked into my fancy holiday spirit skirt!! Funny stuff - I'm turning into a bad professional drunk. I will cleanse myself for a few days, until christmas. Ok, I really do abuse my priveledges at work, so I must go now. Good day.