First of all, today sucked badly. And it shouldn’t have, due to good music, even better friends, and lots and lots of Guinness.
Alas, it was rotten.
I think we were all in a very “If you say another word, I’ll punch you in the face� mood.

Oh, and I SO HATE YOU right now. Of course, you don’t know who you are, and you probably won’t read this, but whatever.

Ok, that said, let me go on to my actual entry…

"Oh, I wish this mist would never lift--I wish I could just stay in it forever, hidden away from every living being. I don't see how I can go on with life. This summer has been so full. I never was lonely for a moment…�~ Lucy Maud Montgomery

AOL just kicked my ass, deleting not only my journal entry but a whole long conversation about sex and Nichols boys…guess who I was talking to about that one?
I liked this quote because it's true (and cuz it originates in the world of Green Gables.) Summer was not a lonely time. Now fall sets in, and so does the lonliness, and the lack of connection, and the general slow pace of life.
I wanted to write about summers past and patterns that repeat themselves, hence the quote. And I got thinking about it and I wanted to write about Dennis (Summer 97) and Nick (Summer 02) and even Mark (Summer 03).
But I can’t.
Damnit.
Because all I can think about is this summer.
I met a lot of new people--I was busy practically everyday--There was the Quad--Thus,
There was Katy,
And Aquila,
And Rick.
I became really close with Victoria--I became really distant with Nick--I hardly saw Kevin--I spent time with him and Todd, but that dwindled as summer went on--I was in a car accident--I had a lot of family issues--I stopped worrying about most things--I started worrying about a lot more pressing issues--I spent a lot of time with Molly--I never quite knew where I stood for a long time--I trusted more--I complained less--I heard a lot of good music--I saw same damn fine theatre--I missed Mike--And Mark--I hardly saw Jaime--I hardly thought of the past--I got more gutsy--I gave up scripts--I fell out of love with someone--And in love with another--I tore down walls--I took off masks--I surprised myself--I lost a lot of weight--I dyed my hair it’s natural color--I cut my hair--I found my muse--I made new friends--I got rid of old ones--I saw one of my best friends almost everyday--I wrote, a lot--I questioned authority, a lot--I got mad--I got fed up--I was sad--I ate a lot of meals at Pano’s-- missed Sahar so very much--I barely saw Dolores and I hated that--I talked to Dennis a lot--I had the best birthday I’ve had in a while--I found out some interesting things about myself--I finally made peace with my memories of Matthew--I cried a lot--I became more aware of the world outside the obvious--I spent a lot of time with Andrea--I spent a lot of time trying to improve myself--I quite smoking…for a week--I bid a lot of my friends farewell as they left for school--I decided to take a chance…or 1000 chances…..

It was a hell of a summer.
I always said that August 1997-July 1998 were the best 11 months of my life, and they were…if we’re going by the number 11. But this…this was the best 3.
Hands down.

Thinking about the past few months is strange, it’s a flurry of things…the beach, corndogs and nachos, molly’s apartments, the halls of Buff Sem, the stage at Nichols, Pano’s, Coffee&, Katy’s basement, Todd’s trampoline, Bob’s pinball machines, fishnets and corsets, the movie theatre, Harry Potter, putt-putt, swing dancing, Bush/Kerry, protests, Aquila’s front porch, that cursed apartment, band gigs, Doug’s house, nick’s graduation, punk rock, the corner of Potomac and Elmwood, family, Bernadette, veiled death threats, emo, bus rides, spot, parties, concerts, cunning plans, long conversations, profound thoughts, silliness in extremes, burger
k
ing, the end of Main St., health insurance policies, psychics and soul mates…

And despite all the angst and tears and fighting and craziness and emo-ness of so much this summer, in so many aspects of my life…I would not trade this.

It really was a kick-ass summer.

"I'll hold you if you feel you'll fall
I'll hold your hand if you just need a friend
I'll hold the line so you can call
I'll hold the feelings you don't want to end

You know that it's true
When I hold you
There'll be no secrets
I believe it

I'll hold your tears if you must cry
I'll hold your breath if that won't make you blue
I'll hold the truth if you must lie
I'll hold off choice till you know what to do

You know that it's true
When I hold you
There are no secrets
I believe it

So I will hold on
And if that's not what you're used to
Then I may refuse to
Hold off
if maybe that's not what you're used to
How can I refuse you?

I'll hold the train till you get on
I'll hold the mirror so you can fix your hair
I'll hold the pain till it is gone
I'll hold my ground when people stop and stare

You know that it's true
When I've held you
There are no secrets
You must believe it

I'll hold the beating of my heart
I'll hold my breath if you will tell me to
I'll hold the hope that we won't part
and I'll hold off death so I can live with you

You knew it was true
When I held you
There were no secrets
I believed it

So I will hold on
And if that's not what you're used to
Then I may refuse to
Hold off
maybe that's not what you're used to
How can I refuse you?�

• This is amongst my very favorite songs, yet I do not have it on CD nor can I find it on WinMx. If anyone would help me remedy that and get me this song somehow, I will love them forever.

Let's see...what have I done this week...

Thursday: Molly and I went a-protesting. I have slight nervous break down while on phone with Katy.
Friday: Found out one of my friends has ceased speaking to me because she is petty and childish and dosen't actually ASK me for the truth. Molly left for Colorado, Jaime shows up with her car which has an exploded tire in the trunk.
Saturday: Go to dinner with Katy, Sam, Rick, Tom, and Justin. Go to party after, then drive Katy and Sam home, then go to liquor store, return to party, proceed to get very very drunk, make peace treaty with Justin, have convo with Rick that I forgot but remember enough of so that when he told me how it went alter, i thought "Hell no..."
Sunday: Wake up uncomfortable, freezing, and hungover. Wake up Rick to drive me home cuz I need meds, go back to sleep once i get home, wake up, visit with Ka, eat dinner, get picked up by Andy and Will, go to Molly's house for Game Night with them, James, Chels, and Matt. Developed difficult problem.
Monday: Had dinner with parents, Jaime came over, then left to pick up Molly from airport, then both returned and we hung out for a bit til i got too tired and kicked them out.
Tuesday: Wake up early cuz of road work on street behind me, watched dawsons creek, consequently figured out answer to difficult problem.
Wednesday: Took Bernie to see The Princess Diaries 2, came home, ate dinner, went out with Molly. Came home, went online, talked to Tom for 2 hours.
Today: Did nothing. Seriously. I called Rick. I talked to Jaime. And I played computer games and slept. Seriously. Nothing.

This right here is me updating for the sake of updating, because I am bored and restless and need something to do...

WAR.

Three little letters. Harmless, right?
There’s a million different kinds of war. I will be focusing on three tonight. The war against terrorism. Inter-office war. And the war on drugs.

1. War Against Terrorism.
We all know what a load of bullshit I think this is. But that’s not what I'm writing for...Molly and I have, for once, joined our forces for good instead of evil. She is making a documentary for school and asked for my help. “Still Looking for a Superhero� is the name of it. The documentary will focus on misrepresentation in the media and general wartime propaganda, and how now it is at an all time high. Basically, it’s about how patriotism is the ultimate propaganda. Now, I am patriotic, I love my country, I love my rights and freedoms…I just think that if I see one more “Support our Troops� yellow ribbon bumper sticker, I’m going to vomit. It’s not that I don’t support the troops…quite the contrary. However, I do not fully support the cause they are fighting for, and I do not support the conditions they fight under, and I certainly don’t support the suppression of freedoms that the media uses to convey that we are all doing just fine…cuz we’re not, and they know it, and they’re keeping it from us. I DESPISE the repression of the obvious, which is why I agreed to help with this project.
So tomorrow we are going to an Anti-Bush rally (Symphony Circle, 4pm) to gather info…and scream about GWB.

2. Inter-Office War, AKA War Against Good Education
I talked to Jaime today. She saw Sharissa at the mall today and got a Sacred Heart update…and I am fucking furious. I must issue the disclaimer that I have not yet had the chance to check my source, but Sharissa is a pretty reasonable one, so this is all most likely true. In the course of my four years there, I had four amazingly invaluable teachers…in the sense that I don’t think there could possibly four teachers as good as these anywhere in the world. One, Mrs. Halm, taught me freshman lit, and she left the following year, so this has nothing to do with her. However…not only have Sr. Edith, Sr. Connie, Mrs. Shear, Mrs. Doherty, and Mrs. Sacalowski been “removed� one way or another from the school, but they are waging war against the three teachers I have left there. The demoted Maloney. They tried to get rid of Marcyann. They tried to get rid of V.
The latter of which they could have disposed of years ago but didn’t, because Connie knew that Sr. Terri was a nutcase. And now, here he is, having just faced being canned, and putting him self on the line…because he wants to be principal.
Yeah, Beans…you read that right…
My thoughts? Who the hell gets rid of the three best teachers a school has, and expects everyone to be cool about it? Apparently, those teachers that told me to stand up for what I believed in, are doing just that. And so will we.
So next Friday Molly and I are going in there with three objectives. 1. Try to get V to talk to her for the documentary. 2. Put in a request for my transcripts. 3. Find the “acting principal� and ask WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
This may seem stupid to most. But if the three people I credit most with my educational development are all on the verge of losing their jobs, after helping me, and countless others, navigate the halls of that hell-hole they call a school, well…damnit…I want to know why.

3. War Against Drugs
This is the most surprising thing today, even more than the whole SHA thing…
Everyone knows Doug, or knows of him. My relationship with Doug is a lot like mine and Katy’s, in that both are completely indefinable. He simply exists, as do I, and we simply care for each more than we would normally. So today, when I found out just where he has been for the past month, I almost cried, because I was so proud, and so happy.
Dougie just got back from rehab.
No more coke, no
m
ore smack, no more me being worried about him or ending up walking him down Main St. at 3am while he is half naked and singing. No more being afraid to have fun in case he needs help. No more babysitting.
No more.
Molly and I crashed band practice…for the first time since the original grouping of Lurid 5 years ago, I sat in on band practice. Nick and I were cordial, at best. Duane and I hung out a bit. I still hate Gabe. I met the new roommate.
And I almost tackled Doug when he told me where he had been.
When we left, this exchange took place:
“Are you coming back?�
“Tonight?�
“No, just in general. When are you coming back again, to hang out? I miss you.�
“Well, Molly is out of town this weekend so maybe next week.�
“If you can come sooner that would be cool.�
“I’ll see.�
::hugs me, kisses me, hugs me again::
“Stop by any time ok?�
“Ok. Hey…I’m really proud of you.�
“Thanks. That’s important to me.�
“Sober Doug is Good Doug.�
“Eh, well, you know...anyway, I'll see you later...love you.�
“I know. See you later.�

Like, I was almost doing cartwheels, I was so happy for him. Sober Doug is a good Doug, and I hope he stays that way.

So there’s my day.
And this: If you think you should be fighting for or against something, like truly in your heart feel it…do it. I guarantee that if you don’t, you’ll have a lifetime of regret. So fight to get what you truly want, no matter what it is. You might not get it, but then at least you can say you gave it your absolute best shot.

Peace.
~Brig

"Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation that under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindfuck America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.
Well maybe I'm the faggot America.
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda.
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.
Don't wanna be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information nation of hysteria.
It's going out to idiot America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you."~Green Day

What is this?

Last night I went on a rant to Katy about how I hated technology because my finger hurt. And I wrote something in here about that too a couple days ago.
Seriously though, I hate it right now.

I want to hear the phone ring. I want to hear the doorbell ring. I want real conversations with real people, where you can hear their voice or see their face or just connect to them in a way that isn't sterile and automated and generic and computerized...
I think it's because of the "easy" things, like email and instant messaging and such, that we lose touch with reality, and in turn, real people, thus destroying communication. For instance...can you hear a person laugh online? No, we type "lol," even if we don't actually "laugh out loud." We abbreviate a language that has evolved into this wonderful form of expression, and we turn it into a meaningless strand of letters to describe how we feel. It isn’t even WORDS.
It's all about hearing.
You can't hear a person laugh, you can't hear them cry, you can't hear their emotions, or the sarcasm in their voice, or the sadness, or excitement...all you see are words, beautiful as they are, but not holding as much meaning as they would were they coming out of someone’s mouth.
I know how hypocritical it is to write about this in my blog.
But I'll admit, I do it too.
This afternoon I was debating making a phone call, and decided I would just talk to the person online later...what is that?? I feel like I can't call a person, because it's so much easier to think thru what you're typing in an IM? It's the screw-ups and the stuttering and the Freudian slips that make things great, so why would you opt for a spell checker robot to help you be a real person?
I see this amongst my friends, especially lately. The lack of communication turns into misconceptions and then the next thing you know, arguments break out. And then everybody’s IM-ing everyone else with “WTF,� but nobody ever picks up the phone and calls someone and says “WHAT THE FUCK.�
Be angry, be happy, be sad, be silly, be depressed, be excited…but be it in person.

Ok. I think I'm done now.

Well.
That's that.
I made a decision.

After a 45 minute fight with the parentals, I finally got them to agree, given some guidelines.
1. I must make the trip to NYC on a very tight budget.
2. I must find a new shrink tomorrow and go see her diligently for one year.
3. I must find someone to take me to NYC, since while my parents support this, they don't want to have to deal with it.

So tomorrow I call Sacred Heart and D'Youville, and I need to find a personal reference, mail the application, and then schedule an audition date.

This is why I love my friends:
Victoria is letting me stay with her, may be writing me my dramatic reference, is on my ass about getting everythign in, and will no doubt help with my monolouges.
Rick is driving me to NYC.
Victoria is going to get Bill to let Rick stay with him.
Katy is my one-woman support group.
Jaime is taking my headshots.
Will has declared thqt he will do anything to get me to apply.
Even Duffy has urged me to do this.

So I am.

I'm scared. Really, really scared. But then, happy, too. Happy that I am finally doign something I have wanted to do since I was 14 and first heard of AADA. And now I'm actually applying there.
I don't know what I'll do if I get it.
Oy.

This entry has been about 3 days in the making.
There's a postcard in front of me with pictures of Kim Catrall, Adrian Brody, and Anne Hathaway on it. Everytime I look at it, part of me screams inside.
And that's what I've got to write about.

When I was 12, I was in a play at my school called The Dreamer. I played the Pharaoh. It was basically a much more religious version of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamer. I remember how surprised my mom was that I wanted to audition for it...I wasn't much of a talker and was always describes as shy, and this surprised her. I don't remember why I auditioned...I think it was because my 2 best friends at the time, Christina and Jill, were auditioning, too.
A year after I did that, I sat in the living room with my mom and quite unexpectedly blurted out that I wanted to be an actress. My mom laughed and blamed it on Jill, because she was the resident actress amongst the group. (If you're reading this, my apologies for my mother...) I tried to explain why I wanted this, but she didn't get it. Which I didn't understand. My mother still has her Senior play that she stared in at the Mount listed as one of her greatest experiences, and she married a theatre person herself. I remember her telling my dad my revelation, and he told me that it was nice to dream about, and even ok to do, but not to quit my day job. He told me to go get a nice solid background, for instance, teaching, and do theatre on the side.
So for the next two years I worked on absolutely nothing. Then two opportunities came up. The first was an Explorer post at the Buffalo Ensemble Theatre. My parents thought it would look good on college applications and encouraged me to join. This is where I not only developed my love of theatre, but met my allies in the world...inparticular, Katy, Michael, and Rose. In my junior year of high school, BET offered me the directorial position for a play called "Stolen Childhood," and I took it. Also that year, my school had a one-act play festival. I had always wanted to write a play, so I did. And I directed it too.
That was the beginning of the end.
You can't show someone their greatest desire, and then take it from them. My parents tried...my parents failed.
So I worked with BET for five years. I was Treasurer, then VP, then President and Junior Leader. It was my home away from home. I would still give anything just to do one more show there. But my masterpiece, so far, is the last I did there...it was called "Long December," and was about a boy and the girl who loved, and consequently, hated him as well. in other words, it was me and Michael. And it was written, directed, and produced by yours truly. And to this day I have the email he sent me after watching the tape saved to my computer, because nothing was ever better than his opinion of it. I could win a Tony tomorrow and it wouldn't mean nearly as much as that email from Mike did...
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Junior year I received a pamphlet from the American Academy of the Dramatic Arts, henceforth referred to as AADA. I kept it. Everything else got thrown out when I went to D'youville. But I kept that. Because I had a dream, and as my dad says, It's nice to have dreams...
In my Senior year, after 3 years of trying out for every play and musical at SHA and being rejected, I got a part in Stage Door. And that was when I finally realized how much I needed the whole thing.
Eventually I left SHA, I left BET, I did some work for D'Youville (where I was attending for...er...teaching. and then left cuz that was bullshit.) and The Virginia Shakespeare Company, and I started working for the Colloquial Theatre, which has just ended it's second season and is on hiatus until December. I worked on 5 of their 6 shows, and hope to do more. I want to start my own company, and perform my own work, which I intend
to
do this year...that is, if I find enough donors and actors and help in general.
But I love the theatre so much. I love writing plays. I love directing them.
But I am a whore for the spotlight.
When I'm on that stage...I never feel as good as I do then, and I doubt much could make me feel better.

But I found that info from AADA. And there's a part of me...a very old part of me that was shocked by how it felt to really be in the spotlight for the first time when i was 12, a part of me that never quite let go of the dreams Jill and I had of taking off to NYC or Hollywood after high school, the part of me that did a cartwheel when I got a part in Stage Door, the part of me that had a nervous breakdown during tech week and was magically healed by an opening night, the part of me that sacrificed my literal blood sweat and tears for BET...
That part of me is wondering: "What are you waiting for?"
And I honestly don't know.
Money? Yes, and no. Tuition, should I be lucky enough to worry about it, I could find a way to make work. I do need $50 for application fees and someone to take me to NYC for the weekend for an audition, but even that I can probably figure out. I do have some pretty fantastic friends and family.
Fear of rejection? It's there, but not like I would think. If I applied to AADA, it would only be applying there. There would be no pressure that I wouldn't get in anywhere, because that's it. If I didn't get in, what would change? Nothing. But I could say I did it.
Support? Hardly. I told my mom about it and she said "So do it." And shrugged and walked away, which, if you know my mom, is an incredibly positive reaction. Katy, despite her hatred of people leaving, wants me to. Victoria practically demanded I apply. Same with Rick.
I really want to.
But I am really going to need the support to do it. And I am going to need someone to go to NYC with me and calm me down before and after my audition. And I am going to need someone to hug me and let me cry if I don't get it. And I am going to need someone to dance around like a fool with me if I do.
Because after a while, no matter how much you want something, you become comfortable without it. And I am afraid that's what I am.
I don't know.

I talked to Vivie about it. And Katy. I should talk to Mike, and Rose. Then my 4 biggest theatrical influences would be covered.
I just don't know.

If anyone cares, please give me an opinion...should I stay or should I go?

Went with Victoria to go see "Vampire Lesbians of Sodom" at BUA tonight...very good, even if it did involve Michael Karr in spandex...::shudders at the thought of it::
I hate seeing people I knew when I was very little and Dad worked at the Kavinoky. I always get this kind of "Aren't you still 6 years old?" look from them. So tonight Ijust kinda kept my mouth shut and my head down so that no one recognized me...of course, the fact that I am now 21, not 6, does make for a nice mask...

I CANT FEEL MY FEET.
When I (quite literally) stumbled in the door this evening, Mom asked me how Warped Tour was.
"Well, im hot, im sunburned, im tired, im hungry, im thirsty cuz i got dehydrated and they ran out of beverages, and it cost 3.50 for a bottle of water anyways, rick was over an hour late picking me up and the traffic was so bad that on the thruway it was one big game of musical cars, we got there really late, i was a goddamned pack-mule considering that in my pockets i had my money, my cigs, my lighter, my id, a bunch of stickers, some flyers, ricks ring, ricks phone, and ricks keys, i think i have sewage in my system due to unsafe water fountains, theres so much dust in my system that when i blow my nose, it's black, i can't walk, think, or barely even speak, rick got pick-pocketted, there were 100,000 people there so we kept losing everyone and I left my xanax in the car, my head hurts, my feet hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, i think i have sunstroke, and now there's a crick in my neck cuz I fell asleep in the car.
But it was worth it."

On a side note, I completely forgot what it was like to be in Rick's van with all the seats in place.

I came home and ate and showered and put on PJ's which make a huge difference altogether, so now I feel better.

Meanwhile...It really was great. Exhausting, and clearly facing massisve doom, but great. I feel bad tho that Rick lost his money and credit cards and such. But other than that, and a mysterious beverage shortage, it was a blast. We heard Anti-Flag, Sugarcult (who were awesome), Billy Talent (also awesome), Bowling for Soup (my favoritest), some of New Found Glory's set, and Flogging Molly (Who were absofuckingloutly AMAZING.)
My eyes hurt from the dust, my legs and feet hurt from the walking, my glasses hurt from getting stopmed on, and the rest of me hurts from being stuck inside a various mosh pits.

But I gotta say...it was worth it. ;)

Yay!
I got an email from Aquila saying that she is there and all is well...and that she was asleep when Rick and I were staking her house out at 4am.
So this made me happy.

Ka came for dinner, which was depressing, because she wanted to play Uno but she forgot how. we used to play this all the time and i never really thought she'd forget how. mom and doctors and stuff keep saying she's getting better but i don't really believe them...
I'd rather not talk about that.

After dinner I went swing dancing with Matt, Julia, Kate P., and a couple of their friends, and that was deffly fun. Mostly Julia and I stood outside screaming about stupidity.
"It's the apartment...it has to be. It breeds stupidity. We need to stop falling in loe with boys in that apartment."~Me
"Maybe it's the sheets. You know that commercial about the bed sheets, with the whole 'youre sleeping in body soil' thing?? Maybe it's like that. Maybe it's in the sheets..."~Kate P.

It was a pretty good evening. Felt good to blow off a weeks worth of steam...

I'm tired now. Dancing makes me sleepy. I should dance more. I still can't believe i went to bed at 11:30 last night and woke up at 1. i havent slept that long in almost a year. so i think i will finish my online nonsense and go watch the rest of AiA and then get soem sleep.
and dad taped "something the lord made" for me, too. which i must say, anything alan rickman is always the high point of the day.

unless there's pudding, of course.

I was told to go inside the house, go to sleep, and not go online or write...at all.
I don't take direction well.

So...today...
today was...um, there is no word. the best i've got is craptastic.

i woke up, tlaked to katy, fell asleep, woke up, tlaked to aquila, fell asleep, woke up, ate toast, watched part of angels in america, updated journal, watched more AiA, worked on my play and discovered that the unfinished first act is already, like, 58 pages. i took a bath cuz my back hurt, then a shower cuz i hate after-bath residue, then i got dressed and made aquila's present, then found out my parents threw out my warped tour ticket, and then went to pick up katy.
we drove to aquila's, there was extensive tears when katy foudn out keela isn't coming back til thanksgiving, for which she will be in boston, thus they wont see each other til christmas. we walked to the tropical bakery and got these thingys with meat and cheese in them, which were good, then went back to keelas, where katys mom picked her up and they said goodbye.
then we went to aquila's friend rachels house and had birthday cake, and hung out there until her mom called yelling, and rick showed up around 11:30. so we said our goodbyes in the street in front of her house, and i tried my hardest not to cry. and so she went inside, and that was that.
rick and i get in the car and he suggests a movie so we drive to regal, which is closed by now, then to putt-putt to play arcade games. that killed about a half hour. so we went to the apartmemt and woke up lillis, and hung out there for a bit, then went to pano's, then back to the apartment where we disscussed various theatrics and toms unfortunate love life, thus leading us both to realize we have never written a happy ending. i said i don't believe in happy endedings (i believe in mediocre ones) and rick started fighting with me about that. in fact, most of the evening was us bickering. so then we left and got in a fight about the proper use of the word "miniature" until i felt like my brain was about to explode. so at 4am we found ourselves outside keela's house, car seats pulled all the way back, attempting to both fall asleep and be alert enough to notice if she came out of the house. mostly we just talked and observed her family loading the car. then it was about 4:30, and we realized that sleep was nessecery as we were both about to pass out, and said goodbye to the front of her house and then left.
in the car on the way home, i started crying. and then suddenly i hear "and i make you smile, its like a drug for you, do whatever you wanna do, coming over you. keep on smiling what we go thru...etc." and i look and realize that is not in fact the radio but rick singing to cheer me up.
and i cried more, because i remembered the other reason i was upset.
whats strange is that I REMEBERED i was upset. there had been several references to suh things throughout the night, but it was mostly me irritating him for the sake of irrtating him. all in all...i had a relativly good time, despite the sadness at keela's departure. i never thought that rick and i could comfortably hang out minus the quad after all the shit that happened. apparently, i was wrong. (perhaps i shouldn't have the words "i was wrong" in black and white solid proof....) so then we got to my house, i was ordered to go straight to bed and not go online, and that brings us to now.

the past few days have been so insane, that i don't even have the word processing ability to adaquatly express my feelings about everything right now.

all i have to say is that i am amazed by the saying "when it rains, it pours."
I swear we came up with that line in one of our former lives.

so here stands music to express my thoughts, more or less.
my head hurts.

<i>"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here out
si
de your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die..."


"Go if you want to
I never tried to stop you
Know there's a reason
For all of this you're feeling...
Me I don't show much
Its not that hard to hide you...
I couldn't ever love you more
I couldn't love you more...
You want me to cry and play my part
I want you to sigh and fall apart
We want this like everyone else
Stay if you want to
I always wait to hear you...
Couldnt ever love me more
I couldn't love you more
You want me to lie not break your heart
I want you to fly not stop and start...
Maybe we didn't understand
Not just a boy and a girl
Its just the end of the
end of the world
Me i don't say much
Its far too hard to make you
See in a moment
I still forget just how to
Be...
I couldn't ever love you more..."</i>


also....
I can think of about 1000 reasons this song should be on the next quad mix cd. of all the depressing love songs in the world that apply to us, i think this one does everyone the most justice.

<i>"Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time
Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call
Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd
Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall
Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her
Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time."</i>