when i go far away next year i'll really miss this lady...

we had a little happy hour a few weeks ago with some wine and a cheese board... very enjoyable.

she's just the cutest little lady ever and my best friend, she never lets me down.

and to the creepers who send me messages, they aren't wanted. thanks.

i just found out this week that i have student teaching everyday for two semesters, as opposed to one. this is freaking me out because it means i will be working what is a full time job for free and i'm not sure what kinda of job if any i'll be able to get.

student teaching is tons of work and pretty much everyone has advised me against work. let the search for a rich boyfriend begin.... jk. i guess i have to go back to customer service type jobs like serving. i loathe this. i only like going to restaurants and being served, not serving others. i don't like working around food unless i'm cooking at home and it makes me upset that i have to give up my education related job that i love.

i suppose it will be worth because in one year, the world is my oyster and i plan on moving to nyc or abroad. it will break my poor mother's heart but i feel like i've experienced az and my time here has been swell but the excitement and vanity has worn off and left only von dutch type douches and dames which i have zero interest in. also, it's highly conservative and thus little money is allotted for education and the incentives and pay for teachers here is dismal at best. it makes me so angry to see so many cuts when education is what fuels the next generation.

so, as my family is all in buffalo together awaiting the arrival of the newest and brightest baby girl i shall spend the week with school. i magically picked up tons of hours at work and will be buying a plane ticket to come out right after xmas. i guess i should save for some warm clothes???? or just plan on wearing hoodies everyday. hehe!!!! who wants to go skiing? and iceskating? and sledding??? i want to make it a winter sports vacation of sorts with ribbons for the best in show.

thanks for the kind words peeps about the whole father thing... i am doing much better. i decided i am going to write a letter and close that chapter.

off to work. ;O)

most of the melodramatic feeling i had yesterday have resided... still feel the same way just not as intense.

took this stunna pic to show me and the world that yea, i still got it.



i decided im going to look for another p/t job to work on the weekends because i want to save so i can finally come to blo.

so i really don't like az anymore... but for today i will.

why, you ask?

i am getting ready for work and there is a bobcat in my backyard!!!!!

it's like i live in a nature preserve... which is kinda awesome.

i'm still moving away as soon as i finish school. unless my mom bribes me with a sweet car and a condo... not likely.

i want to live in a place with monkeys.... costa rica???

bob cats are really beautiful... coolest moment of my week thus far. :o)

i had the camera and then it jumper over the wall, grrrrrrrrr.

I haven't blogged in so long. It would be a lie to say I don't miss it but this blog has caused me lots of issues with friends. Anyway, with all that has transpired in the past few months I really don't care what anyone thinks of me friend or not because it really seems like when I have needed people the most(now), I feel more alone than I ever have.

About a month and a half ago I met my father for the first time. After a few years of having some information about where he could possibly be and some savings I flew out to CO to find him. I knew it would be intense, so I brought along an ex. I honestly thought my search wouldn't be successful, I didn't think I'd actually meet him or see him. So, when I had the opportunity to do so I was very ill-prepared to say the least. The trip ended well all in all, was nice to see my ex and I guess we are friends now. I really appreciated him coming along but he wasn't the best emotional support.

I came back and really felt like I was losing it. I cried a lot and then school started and I kinda forced all of the emotions aside. I never thought this experience would happen, so I guess I didn't how extremely hard it would be. I feel like my world is falling apart and I'm alone trying to figure it all out. Many of the people I thought would be there for me aren't and I miss my brother and sister every single day. Not that they want to talk about it, but I know somewhere they feel the same pain and it just feels better to be surrounded by family. The only person I have really been able to talk to is my mom and I try to be strong because I don't want her to know how badly I'm hurting.

I suppose I lived my life thinking my father was dead or something like that so to meet him and hear him tell me he loves me and that he thinks I'm a wonderful person was both amazing and horrifying at the same. I haven't from him since my trip and I am just realizing that each day that goes by it breaks my heart even more. It's foolish to think that the man who abandoned his entire family without any regard would just turn a new leaf and suddenly take interest. However, it would be a complete lie if I didn't admit how good it felt to hear that he thought i was beautiful and smart. Every child wants their parents to love them... and to realize this man had been living a life without me and my family it's so incredibly hurtful. He never paid a cent of child support, never tried to contact us, and we had just assumed he was dead.

The last month has been so hard. Things that used to bring me joy only distract me for just a little while, I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything and when I do it's because I'm forcing myself. It's hard to focus on school and most of the time I just want to watch movies and just check out. All of this is emphasized by the fact that I have a birthday soon and I'm getting older and I feel like I have nothing to show for. How did so much time go by? I don't feel like doing anything crazy, I just literally feel like doing nothing and seeing no one. I just wake up every day wanting to stay in bed and slap a happy look on my face and force myself through it all.

Mostly, I want to just run away from this life and start over. I wish I was done with school so I could find the first job as far away as possible. Maybe this all sounds stupid and crazy but it's just how I feel. Most children of single parents at least know where their other parent is or have met them and to find out he was so close this whole time and rejected us from his life is unbelievable. I just don't know where to go from here or how to heal from this and it gets harder everyday. I feel like crying and hold back because I usually have someplace to be and being a basket case isn't an option.

I suppose it's silly for me to have assumed that this would all be easy and I'd get over it immediately, but that's almost how I think everyone else expects it to be. It's disappointing to realize how little people actually care about others. I guess not that many people know, but those who do... I call them to talk and they don't answer or call back and my faith in friends and most of my family is lost. The only person who I can say has truly been there is my mother and that's not surprising because she always has been. How do I move on from this and not feel bitter and cheated? I just want to move on and feel happy,but that's easier said than done.

I didn't write this for a pity party or sympathy, it's much faster than handwriting and just a way of getting out what I feel. It's also not a cry for help, because at the end of the day I'll have to help myself.