when you have foster children. It's all the normal "everything changes" of having children. New people enter your life, new schedules to rotate around, and new rules to follow. But it's a little bit more with foster care.
The new people aren't just school teachers and day care workers. There are the foster children's social workers (so far the number of social workers is at 4 and counting) who in some respects have greater say over the children's lives than we do. And the family members who are all watching us parent a child that biologically speaking is "theirs" and not "ours". All the while we're trying to be charitable with our time; hospitable with our home; and stay on the same page as a good team player.
The new schedule isn't just school and day care, it's regularly scheduled family visitations. So far enjoyable, because it's the only small break we have from the children since we don't have approved babysitters yet.
And it's submitting not to just the usual rules and societal norms of rearing one's children, but also it's submitting to the regulations of the county who ultimately is the temporary guardian of the children.
No complaints here. I'm just musing over the differences between caring for your own children and caring for foster children. If we ever have our own children, I think it will seem so different and less restricting! How will I raise my own children without 4 social workers and permission from the county to take them on vacation (Janelle says in good humor)?
Janelle's Journal
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04/01/2010 11:56 #51307
It's more than everything changes03/22/2010 12:55 #51247
Values in the workplaceI run a day program that teaches social skills and a work ethic. When my staff and I address social skills and work ethics, we occasionally bump heads. And the root cause is generally a difference in values that inform how we believe one should act. And I have to negotiate those differences, while thinking about how my values are informing my decision making process, and come up with a compromise or a decision that may be disliked by everyone involved. But that's the unfun part of being a supervisor, being the one to make decisions when others can't jointly come to a solution.
Otherwise, my values are something that I live out with out a lot of talk, unless staff/co-workers specifically ask me about it. And even then, I often answer cautiously and carefully. I know I live differently than other people in my work place and I don't mind explaining why. But when I give my answers I want to gently say what I think is right without trying to start any serious discussion, but I work with pretty opinionated people, so it can get pretty interesting pretty fast.
I get a lot of questions from people about foster care. Questions about kids and talking about kids seems to be a fairly popular topic and on the surface seemed harmless. I expected a lot of unsolicited advice, and I was prepared for biting my my tongue and moving on. I didn't expect simple statements to quickly become a source of judgment. And refuting those judgments could so easily become a fight over childraising values that I'm just not interested at having at work.
But so far I have been criticized for:
Not taking the kids to McDonalds or Chuck E Cheese
Fixing home cooked meals (sometimes vegetarian) instead of serving chicken nuggets and hot dogs
Putting a 3yo and 6yo to bed by 8pm
Allowing and encouraging foster son to play with a kitchen set Thinking it's great that the 3yo foster daughter loves to play in the back yard for long chunks of time - digging in the dirt, playing with a wheelbarrow, banging things around
Sometimes I battle over the topic, sometimes I let it go. But I couldn't let the comment about the kitchen set go. The kid loves food. The kid loves watching me make food. Seems pretty natural that he would also love playing with a kitchen set. And I wouldn't let the comment go about playing in the backyard. If she likes playing in the backyard, then she likes playing in the backyard. She also loves going for a walk and loves animals. I have a feeling she's going to be a nature lover when she grows up...not exactly something I'm planning on discouraging.
I guess I find it interesting, because if it was politics or religion, people would tread more carefully, but it seems like a free for all when it comes to children. Yet how you raise children, is a very deep reflection of your values in the same ways that politics and religion is.
Otherwise, my values are something that I live out with out a lot of talk, unless staff/co-workers specifically ask me about it. And even then, I often answer cautiously and carefully. I know I live differently than other people in my work place and I don't mind explaining why. But when I give my answers I want to gently say what I think is right without trying to start any serious discussion, but I work with pretty opinionated people, so it can get pretty interesting pretty fast.
I get a lot of questions from people about foster care. Questions about kids and talking about kids seems to be a fairly popular topic and on the surface seemed harmless. I expected a lot of unsolicited advice, and I was prepared for biting my my tongue and moving on. I didn't expect simple statements to quickly become a source of judgment. And refuting those judgments could so easily become a fight over childraising values that I'm just not interested at having at work.
But so far I have been criticized for:
Not taking the kids to McDonalds or Chuck E Cheese
Fixing home cooked meals (sometimes vegetarian) instead of serving chicken nuggets and hot dogs
Putting a 3yo and 6yo to bed by 8pm
Allowing and encouraging foster son to play with a kitchen set Thinking it's great that the 3yo foster daughter loves to play in the back yard for long chunks of time - digging in the dirt, playing with a wheelbarrow, banging things around
Sometimes I battle over the topic, sometimes I let it go. But I couldn't let the comment about the kitchen set go. The kid loves food. The kid loves watching me make food. Seems pretty natural that he would also love playing with a kitchen set. And I wouldn't let the comment go about playing in the backyard. If she likes playing in the backyard, then she likes playing in the backyard. She also loves going for a walk and loves animals. I have a feeling she's going to be a nature lover when she grows up...not exactly something I'm planning on discouraging.
I guess I find it interesting, because if it was politics or religion, people would tread more carefully, but it seems like a free for all when it comes to children. Yet how you raise children, is a very deep reflection of your values in the same ways that politics and religion is.
drew - 03/23/10 09:24
great post. people are weird.
great post. people are weird.
uncutsaniflush - 03/22/10 21:53
We are all products of our environments. Some of us have environment that nurture and allow us to thrive. Others of us are not so lucky. Some of us manage to transcend our environments and thrive by effort and luck. Some of us are not so lucky or driven to transcend and remain pinnacled in the immense inane.
We are all products of our environments. Some of us have environment that nurture and allow us to thrive. Others of us are not so lucky. Some of us manage to transcend our environments and thrive by effort and luck. Some of us are not so lucky or driven to transcend and remain pinnacled in the immense inane.
tinypliny - 03/22/10 19:58
I would be glad to be your kid. :) Screw others.
I would be glad to be your kid. :) Screw others.
metalpeter - 03/22/10 19:45
Here is the thing we all (well maybe not you and drew) Judge People. I think that a lot of us know it is wrong and do it anyways. The Fact is that yes there are a lot of bad parents but you two aren't them.
Sorry I have to give a TV Reference but there is/was a show called Wife Swap and there was another one that was kinda like it but different. What the shows had in common was that one parent from each family would switch places with the other. What I liked about it was it showed how different people lived their lives in terms of how the family functioned, how the home functioned and how they raised the kids. Most of the time each family learned some things that would make their family better.
My point in bringing that up is when you are criticized I'm sure you feel judged, but don't take it that way, see if any of the stuff makes sense. For example.
You let the one kid play with the kitchen set. Well both boys and girls need to know how to cook so when he is older teach him how. Kids at that age can have fast food some times. But Chuck E. Cheese he is a bit young for. Hey maybe when older take the kids their for like a birthday party or something.
The thing with bringing up kids that most people don't get is that. All kids are different and what works well for one doesn't for another.
In Terms of what goes on a Work I have no advice at all. But in terms of getting along with people some times it is very tough. Maybe the best thing is that to remember that you may seem crazy to them and vice versa, but that doesn't mean either one of you can talk down to or disrespect the other people in the way you say things. As I'm sure you know it often isn't what you say but how you say it.
Here is the thing we all (well maybe not you and drew) Judge People. I think that a lot of us know it is wrong and do it anyways. The Fact is that yes there are a lot of bad parents but you two aren't them.
Sorry I have to give a TV Reference but there is/was a show called Wife Swap and there was another one that was kinda like it but different. What the shows had in common was that one parent from each family would switch places with the other. What I liked about it was it showed how different people lived their lives in terms of how the family functioned, how the home functioned and how they raised the kids. Most of the time each family learned some things that would make their family better.
My point in bringing that up is when you are criticized I'm sure you feel judged, but don't take it that way, see if any of the stuff makes sense. For example.
You let the one kid play with the kitchen set. Well both boys and girls need to know how to cook so when he is older teach him how. Kids at that age can have fast food some times. But Chuck E. Cheese he is a bit young for. Hey maybe when older take the kids their for like a birthday party or something.
The thing with bringing up kids that most people don't get is that. All kids are different and what works well for one doesn't for another.
In Terms of what goes on a Work I have no advice at all. But in terms of getting along with people some times it is very tough. Maybe the best thing is that to remember that you may seem crazy to them and vice versa, but that doesn't mean either one of you can talk down to or disrespect the other people in the way you say things. As I'm sure you know it often isn't what you say but how you say it.
janelle - 03/22/10 18:21
In the five years that I've supervised staff, I have often found that I have distinctly different values than the staff I supervise. I've generally chalked it up to significantly different socioeconomic, racial and educational backgrounds.
I've had several of these kinds of encounters on different topics that show some interesting differences. I've had staff...
Ask me why I read the paper...
Say to me, I bet you're the kind of person who actually READS the information at museum exhibits (that's probably my most favorite comment).
Laugh at the funny accents on the radio station (when listening to BBC)
Tell me that they have NEVER EVER voted in an election
And on and on... I could probably come up with some more if I thought about it.
In the five years that I've supervised staff, I have often found that I have distinctly different values than the staff I supervise. I've generally chalked it up to significantly different socioeconomic, racial and educational backgrounds.
I've had several of these kinds of encounters on different topics that show some interesting differences. I've had staff...
Ask me why I read the paper...
Say to me, I bet you're the kind of person who actually READS the information at museum exhibits (that's probably my most favorite comment).
Laugh at the funny accents on the radio station (when listening to BBC)
Tell me that they have NEVER EVER voted in an election
And on and on... I could probably come up with some more if I thought about it.
hodown - 03/22/10 16:25
Wow. I would think you'd be shunned for doing exactly the opposite. Although I do think it also has a lot to do with the area you live in. People in the city are obsessed with home cooked meals and not letting gender define who you are. And fast food? That is totally out. It sounds like you are doing a great job!
Wow. I would think you'd be shunned for doing exactly the opposite. Although I do think it also has a lot to do with the area you live in. People in the city are obsessed with home cooked meals and not letting gender define who you are. And fast food? That is totally out. It sounds like you are doing a great job!
jason - 03/22/10 15:04
Yeah well, you know what, the people "criticizing" you have shit values about food. That's why they think it's okay to put McDonald's in their child's mouth instead of fresh veggies. It sounds like the rest of their values are shit as well. The thing about opinions is that not all of them are equal, and don't deserve equal consideration. I'm proud that you stood up for your values.
Yeah well, you know what, the people "criticizing" you have shit values about food. That's why they think it's okay to put McDonald's in their child's mouth instead of fresh veggies. It sounds like the rest of their values are shit as well. The thing about opinions is that not all of them are equal, and don't deserve equal consideration. I'm proud that you stood up for your values.
lauren - 03/22/10 14:00
Chuck E Cheese is the biggest rip off ever, and their food is gross. Way to go for avoiding fast food and cooking for the kids. Where I work now I take care of an infant all day, plus wrangle a ten year old and fourteen year old, and have dinner on the table by the time their mom gets home. It's a lot and I'm not surprised by parents who slack on healthy eating, but you are instilling good eating habits at an early age, which is beyond valuable.
As far as the uh, (barely) gender bending play things, isn't it amazing how early on we teach these rigid roles to our kids? And how ingrained it is that people don't question it until a little boy likes to play with a kitchen set. It is not accidental that society goes on, perpetuating ideologies and behaviors as if they were "natural." All I can say is, good for you and for Drew for doing what you think is right.
Chuck E Cheese is the biggest rip off ever, and their food is gross. Way to go for avoiding fast food and cooking for the kids. Where I work now I take care of an infant all day, plus wrangle a ten year old and fourteen year old, and have dinner on the table by the time their mom gets home. It's a lot and I'm not surprised by parents who slack on healthy eating, but you are instilling good eating habits at an early age, which is beyond valuable.
As far as the uh, (barely) gender bending play things, isn't it amazing how early on we teach these rigid roles to our kids? And how ingrained it is that people don't question it until a little boy likes to play with a kitchen set. It is not accidental that society goes on, perpetuating ideologies and behaviors as if they were "natural." All I can say is, good for you and for Drew for doing what you think is right.
james - 03/22/10 13:50
A lot of people successfully have a baby and raise that baby without killing it. What should be par for the course becomes a point a pride. Every schmo who figured out how to feed an infant and keep them from playing with the hair dryer in the bathtub is now an authoritative source.
Like politics and religion, authorities are often wrong. It is great that you are encouraging the kids to follow their passions without setting themselves on fire. Keep at it :)
A lot of people successfully have a baby and raise that baby without killing it. What should be par for the course becomes a point a pride. Every schmo who figured out how to feed an infant and keep them from playing with the hair dryer in the bathtub is now an authoritative source.
Like politics and religion, authorities are often wrong. It is great that you are encouraging the kids to follow their passions without setting themselves on fire. Keep at it :)
03/10/2010 07:29 #51145
ParenthoodAlmost exactly 4 weeks ago, we went from being care free DINCs to being foster parents of two. A 6yr old boy and a 3yr old girl.
Our days are full of relentless "why?"s, silly statements, smiles and tears, laughs and whines, the bureaucracy of foster care and school paperwork, toys scattered in the house, long conversations about kids and short lived attempts at non children related moments.
Our days are full of relentless "why?"s, silly statements, smiles and tears, laughs and whines, the bureaucracy of foster care and school paperwork, toys scattered in the house, long conversations about kids and short lived attempts at non children related moments.
ladycroft - 04/05/10 08:06
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
drew - 03/10/10 14:31
Double Income No Children/Kids.
Double Income No Children/Kids.
libertad - 03/10/10 12:27
You guys are so awesome for doing this. It must be incredibly difficult to go from a DINK or DINC, whatatever it is, to having a 4 and 6 year old around.
You guys are so awesome for doing this. It must be incredibly difficult to go from a DINK or DINC, whatatever it is, to having a 4 and 6 year old around.
drew - 03/10/10 09:33
I thought we were DINKs not DINCs. Either way, between our two career choices, can we really call our income, "double?"
And you left out the ridiculous amount of time that we think about poop and pee.
I thought we were DINKs not DINCs. Either way, between our two career choices, can we really call our income, "double?"
And you left out the ridiculous amount of time that we think about poop and pee.
mrmike - 03/10/10 09:07
As I am constantly reminded, parenting ain't like it looks in the brochure. I have a standing date with the kids for dinner on Tuesday nights where I hear stuff like "uncle XXX isn't fun dad like you." This after carrying said daughter into her hospital room the week before.
It's permitted me to be less up tight about stuff that doesn't matter and look forward to the "Training Video" episode of Spongebob.
As I am constantly reminded, parenting ain't like it looks in the brochure. I have a standing date with the kids for dinner on Tuesday nights where I hear stuff like "uncle XXX isn't fun dad like you." This after carrying said daughter into her hospital room the week before.
It's permitted me to be less up tight about stuff that doesn't matter and look forward to the "Training Video" episode of Spongebob.
01/31/2010 17:51 #50947
Middle Eastern tastinessIf only I knew just how easy and tasty home made baba ghanoush and falafel was. I would have had many more happy Sunday evenings
chico - 01/31/10 20:23
How do you make good homemade falafel? Now that Falafel Bar is open past lunch only a couple of times a week, I sure could use a fix...
How do you make good homemade falafel? Now that Falafel Bar is open past lunch only a couple of times a week, I sure could use a fix...
02/07/2010 12:40 #50980
Valentine's DayStill looking for Valentine's Day plans...
The church is hosting a romantic Valentine's Dinner on February 13th. Obviously not the traditional day, but you can have a Valentine's evening meal without the crowds!
Better yet, you can hear Theresa Quinn perform! She's a local pianist who sings old school R&B, really well. There will be singing waiters serenading you with romantic tunes. And I'll be showing off my mad clarinet skills with a little Brahms (a Romance era composer, get it?) You get to take in all this musical loveliness while kicking back and enjoying a full meal complete with appetizers, dessert and wine.
Have kids? If you don't want to hassle with fighting with everyone else for a babysitter, we will have onsite babysitting... just make sure to let us know if you're bringing children.
Interested? Here's some info on how to RSVP for the evening:
[link=
][/link]
The church is hosting a romantic Valentine's Dinner on February 13th. Obviously not the traditional day, but you can have a Valentine's evening meal without the crowds!
Better yet, you can hear Theresa Quinn perform! She's a local pianist who sings old school R&B, really well. There will be singing waiters serenading you with romantic tunes. And I'll be showing off my mad clarinet skills with a little Brahms (a Romance era composer, get it?) You get to take in all this musical loveliness while kicking back and enjoying a full meal complete with appetizers, dessert and wine.
Have kids? If you don't want to hassle with fighting with everyone else for a babysitter, we will have onsite babysitting... just make sure to let us know if you're bringing children.
Interested? Here's some info on how to RSVP for the evening:
[link=
][/link]
(e:jenks) gave a very good description of foster care. Much better than I give. Lol.
If an opportunity arises to adopt, we may adopt. But we're not counting on being able to adopt through foster care.
Yes, lots of red tape, (e:jason). Personally, it's interesting to be on this side of the red tape because usually I'm the social service worker enforcing the red tape on families and clients and now it's the other way around. Interesting new perspective for me.
Ah! Thanks for the clarification (e:jenks)!
How sad for the druggie infants. :(
no no, there's a huge difference. (and Janelle and Drew, please correct me if (when) I'm wrong).
Adopted children are legally "yours". You are their parents, legally.
Foster children... it's almost more like an extended babysitting.
You are raising them since their 'real' home either doesn't exist anymore, or isn't a good environment for them. So foster parents step in to give these children in crisis a stable home, either until their 'real' home gets back under control and suitable for them, or until they are adopted (by other people).
Maybe foster parents adopt their foster kids sometimes- but I think usually people go into it knowing it's temporary- be that months, or years. My friend's mom has been a foster mom for several years now- usually to drug addicted babies that have been taken away from their mothers. She raises them usually for a year or two, until their mothers get clean, or they are adopted by others.
A bunch of red tape, apparently.
I don't understand this concept. You adopted the kids, they are your's now, no? What is the difference between foster children and adopted children?