8:41 pm

I'm at SPoT elmwood right now and I wanna talk to someone cause Vic Lazar has to go to band practice, and you don't.

So. I've been without the company of a woman for quite a while now. Relationships end before you stop seeing each other. There's the hospice period, but let's move past this obscenity.

Um, I have guilt at some level for the urges that I know I must satisfy, but really I know I'm only human, so I try to put the ill feeling out of my mind. That's how I deal with everything difficult that I must endure. I put it out of my mind. It's served me at times and other times it really fucked me.

ANECDOTE --

I was 21ish 2nd or 3rd year in college and I met this girl who looked like Wendy of the famous fast food chain Wendy's. She was amazing. Bizarre. Unpredictable. Adorable. Celibate. Damn near straight edge. If you knew me at the time you'd know who much of a match we were.

She got into the Disney program and went to Florida. My band would suffer if I went so I stayed home. I felt like she took a pice of my life with her and it hurt so bad i just put her out of my mind. She'd come back eventually right? I wouldn't have to miss her at all if I were busy with other stuff till then.

I didn't call. I didn't write... not even on her birthday. OK, even then I must have realized how much of an ass-hole move that was, but what is forgiveness if not something with which you can forgive?. Even though I gave her a laptop to stay in touch with her.

Her friends were not impressed with me. When she called to break up with me I was totally unprepared. It eviscerated me. I was ruined.

I put it out of my mind. it passed.


-_-_-_-_


So I'm putting the guilt out of my mind. I'm putting the frustration out of my mind so I can function. I know that right now I am creepy. I do things that are impulsively inspired, and entirely outside of my control. I start behaving like that woman on the elevator at the C&V. She was so sickly sweet and invasive. Wearing a lab coat. Carrying test tubes. Persistent. Relentless. Her piercing eyes. Her wet constant mouth shaping those words. The questions she'd ask without trepidation.... ::shiver::

I did something crazy last night. There needs to be an account of this. it was a fantastic display of debauchery and bravery...ok alcohol. Big assed drink night at the Cathode is always the beginning of a journey you're not prepared for. It was fun. I'm glad it's over. I wish I could remember her name. Then I could find it in my phone and call her... it's in there. Mocking me.

This weekend will be awesome. I get the bb's and we're going to the art festival after nap time each day for as long as we can stand it. Her affection and love always distracts me from what ever ails me. I hope we see you out. I'll be the really happy tall one, she'll be the really curious short one.

Love you guys.
All my heart.
Tony.

...in your heart when you see 4 player new mario brothers....



can't.

Ok, so I'm lookin' at your post counts as I close this window and get to work and I'm seriously a lightweight on this site... Really Jim 500+ !?

I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm going to start posting videogame reviews up here. I got to pump up the count... and um practice writing and get more social again. Yeah...


Look at my laminess

went to see an old friend today.

she's the mother of three. Two of which are twins.

the lil girls cheeks are super squishy and remind me of my Fernie when she was a tiny bb.

Her son Mateo and I ate BK that I brought over.

Gross I know.

He didn't want the fries

I ate all mine

He didn't eat the patty, because It had cheese on it.

Mine didn't have cheese. It's not longer in this world.

I feel like taking a McNap.

I hate fast food.

Burgas are not your friend.

(WIKIPEDIA - Absenteeism)

I'm still alive.

Barely.

But I'm here.

I missed St. Patties.

I miss all of you.

I've been hanging out with my bb's a lot though. They've been really cute.

Fern and I don't really have a day time thing yet, but she ends up sleeping next to me most nights. Which is bad I know, I have to start breaking her of that tonight. She's becoming a new kind of night terrorist.

I'm very tired often. She's a tough one to get comfortable with.

Mya and I have and addiction to sweet kids shows. iCarly, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and (cause I'm a terrible parent and can't resist) Star Wars: the Clone Wars. Yeah, it's violent indoctrination, but I love how many women and girls are empowered and capable in that show. Mya does too. She wants a blue lightsaber, like Ashoka's, and she thinks Anikin is, in her own words, "handsome". (PS. She hates Darth Vader and has no idea who he really is... don't tell her if you see her!)

Megan and I broke up after giving it a shot for 2 long years. I know we haven't made all the best decisions over the past few years, but I hope that it doesn't undo us entirely. I know it won't. I won't let it. If it comes to pass that these lil goobers aren't in my life everyday things would be different All in all I'm prepareing for the worst, and hoping for the best. Sitll I don't know if I could survive without Mya's cool and gentle hand of guidance. She very sternly reminds me to brush my beard every morning while making some fancy foot magic with Mario on her DS.