funny how love works. or doesn't work.

the things you learn about yourself

the things you unlearn

it all seems so grand, yet it is all so basic.

for some its easy

for others its hard

some people want it, but don't get it

others get too much of it, but don't want it-

Feelings.

they really are a driving force. even if you have them locked and well guarded.. they are still there.

and when they break out of their cell, it is mayhem--and control is lost...

is this the result of answering old questions,

or answering new ones?



I do not know.



I do reccommend tossing the key and seeing what happens-- the good, the bad, the ugly-- it is a part of the sensual life. Without it, it is all mechanical- easy, contolled and safe.


now if I would just follow my own advice, yes?









btw, thanks for sharing:?

(had to publish and run earlier, if anyone noticed that this was just lniks in the post)

I was going through you tube videos and found this. Surprised that I hadn't seen anything about this yet.

GAH!

full length YouTube video (7 minutes):



written account with video:




from msnbc- folllow links..

sn excerpt from a UCLA student blog who was there:

Apparently when the campus security asked Mustafa for his ID he refused to show it to them. One witness said that he said it was in his wallet, but he didn't want to show it to the security guard. The security gaurd asks him to leave, as it is policy that anyone without a student ID card may not be in the library after 11 pm. Mustafa refuses. The campus security leaves to go get UCPD (on campus police). During this time, Mustafa decides to leave the library. He packs up his things and begins to head for the door. He is approached by UCPD, who grab his arm because they don't want him to leave (I guess they wanted to question why he was refusing to show his ID). Mustafa asks the police not to touch him. At this point no one is screaming/getting the shit tased out of them. The police insist on escorting him out of the building when Mustafa goes limp in resistence.

The police threaten him a couple times I guess. He yells "get the fuck off of me" and "I'm leaving!". This is when he gets tased.

....He gets hit with the taser again...and again....and again...and again. At this point the students in the library begin to become upset. One girl asked the officer for his name and badge number AND HE THREATENED TO TASER HER. The police were pointing the taser at concerned bystanders and threatening to taser them. Several people I've talked to can account for this. They were making these threats after Mustafa had been tased at least 3 times and after he had been put in handcuffs and was lying on the floor like a puddle of goo.

abuse of power?

(e:pyrcedgrrl) failed to post on estrip about this, so I must take it upon myself to do so :)




I wanted something sweet, so I bought a package of break and bake cookies. I burned them, well, over cooked them. I do not like crunchy cookies, so I had to toss them. Oh, well. I am sure there will be other opportunities to munch in the future.






I am working on multiple resumes. Actually, I keep getting side tracked at looking at various job postings on Monster.com-- I have been humoring myself looking at companies in NYC.




The resume part is challenging for me, as I want to get away from what I have been doing for so many years. Its time to switch things up a bit. So I have to focus on things other than the field and positions I have held. Lets see what I come up with. I may need something dfferent just so I have more time to focus on building a business. I have been working on one project on and off for awhile.. now something else has landed in my path and I am very curious about it. So I am doing research on that as well. and networking and picking peoples brains.

very cool.

I've tried numerous times today to bitch about radio music.

p:mobl was a p:ain in my ass today. My pocket PC has been loading my post since 11:30 this morning.

Since it continues to annoy the hell out of me, even though I have since turned off the radio, I will share my annual pet peeve.

TURN THE MERRY-FUCKIN' CHRUSTMAS MUZAK OFF.

I havent even had my annual plate of gutton yet, and those tunes are already felizFNnavading all over the air airwaves?


I happened to have a few appointments this morning: oral violations, on again off again addictions to attend to, my weekly ass ramming (see below) and bi-weekly dignity deposit

(read: teeth cleaning, Tim Hortons, Tank fill-up and its Payday!)

feelin' fine, feelin' feisty, feelin' its finally friday

yeh, ok. So this morning I don't feel like tuning my iPod to a fuzzy station on the car radio. I knew I would be in and out of my car (and hence packing up the iPod everytime I got out) before I hit the highway for any length of time, so I decide to try something new: I'd listen to the radio inbetween errands. Curious that maybe I would find something new and interesting to listen to, I was feeling hopeful-- kept on pressing the "seek" button--

feeling hopeful until I heard multiple stations with CHRISTMAS music.

AHHHHHHHHHH WTF?!?????!!!!!!!!!!!

well, that had to go. A little premature for that, hmm?

Not to forget the slew of christmas/christmas themed movies and television shows on the 25" brainsuckingmediabox this evening.

Moral of this post?

Stick to iPod

stick to porn.

just don't stick to your iPod.

happy friday, kiddies ;)







j/k

If (e:ladycroft) 's post was the thesis to feeling good about the position you are in, then my post is the antithesis. I had to take a play on her post title, as this accurately summarizes the my thoughts as of late.

I read her post via cellphone while on my lunch. It made me smile to see that one of my friends is in a good spot right now. I am sooo thrilled! I am excited for you- it sounds like you are exactly where you should be. The whole universe is conspiring for you. I look forward to hearing all about it one day soon! YAY!! :)

I take an almost perverse delight in experiencing something uncomfortable. It makes me confront the situation and the reasons behind it. There is some excitement in this process despite the dissonance, aggrivation and annoyances.

I am not unhappy. I look for everyday experiences to contribute to my sense of happiness. This has more to do with the effects on my core-being. I have to dig deep to uncover the source of my dissonance and know that there is validity to it.

My job is fine. I am good at it and I can only get better. I am part of something big. I am paid a respectable salary. It is a management position and is dynamic. I am surrounded by old friends (from old department I worked in prior to this new position). I have loads of paid time off and great benefits. And I am grateful for all of this.

So why am I not where I should be?

especially when others would give anything to be in my position?

I have put a lot of thought into this- a thought that has been building for quite some time now. However, it was using the last two weekends -- weekend #1 to quietly think it through and weekend #2 to verbally express/share my thoughts (thats not easy for me) and then to begin acting on thoughts/ shared information. This week and into the weekend- weekend #3, will be a culmunation of doing/saying things to validate those thoughts, perceptions and actions. --sorry I havent been around/available much- -but I feel something big-bigger, is in my future and I need to figure some of this stuff out NOW. and I am conscientious enough to get a really good understanding of all of what is going on.

I think out side the box, I question the status qou, I scoff at mundane details. I get bored easily. I have so much mental energy, that it is hard to restrain it. Yet in this position, it is on a tight leash. This is better suited for someone who feels comfortable operating within predetermined constaints. Parameters are set- you must operate within boundaries. No risks allowed. I was fooled into thinking I had the freedom to think. Instead, I liken it to a dog on a farm with an 'invisable fence'. You can see what is in the distance, but you aren't allowed to get to it.

Now, standardization and procedures have their place- we need some regulation and conformity, however, when I feel like I should check to see if there is a Standard Operating Procedure for wiping my ass, I know that I am very close to creative amputation.

I thought I could salvage my creativity, energy and passion into some life-work balancing activity/project-- but I found myself not able to switch gears. It is as though my mental flexibility turned rigid- only capable of thinking in the same neural pathway as set forth by the work environment.

and that scared (scares) me. Yay, I am beginning to talk past-tense. Hence my need for the multi-weekend mental sabbaticals.

It doesn't look as bad as it sounds. It is hectic, chaotic, multi dimensional and even interesting (things that I love)-- but I feel like my wings got clipped. And thats more a reflection on my personal attributes and strengths than anything. I could proffessionally grow into this job, but I would be personally stunted.

again, I am good at it, I get things done, I have areas to tweak, but soon even that will be taken care of.

Fortunately and gratefully, I have the freedom to decide that "this is not where I should be". I do not have any major responsibilities other than those that pertain to maintaining an apartment(s) and paying back student loans. I do not have outstanding credit of any kind. I do not have kids and the financial mess that comes with that, I do not have car payments or needy family/friends. Everything is cool.

I could do this job for a long as I had to. But since I don't Have to, why not take the risk to pursue something that is me. Companies need people like me-- companies also need people who aren't me. I just need to pair myself with somehtig more suitable. I like the unknown, I like trying something new, I am not afraid of failing by doing, I am afraid of failing by not doing- not trying something- by accppting the notion that, 'this is as good as it gets'.

It takes a strong person to go after what you want, to figure out what it is, and to take off in that direction especially if there is resistance. You learn to behave, think and act in a certain manner. Well, I always encourage that you unlearn. I also scoff at societal expectations. I don't label myself a non-conformist, but some of my thoughts/behaviors are in line with that. heh, I don't conform to non conformity-- but I digress.

I wouldnt put as much thought and effort into any of this if I felt that I am where I should be at. It is through all of my thought and discussions that I have come to realize that these past few months aren't a "growing pain" of learning a new job, its simply not me.

The best parts of me on this job are the parts that require decisive action, picking though the mess, inspiring others, questioning authority and rebuilding a part of the company that has been a total mess.

Abused employees have been warming up and trusting me. I do not want to leave them hanging-- they need to know that this rollercoaster ride is going somewhere great. And so, I work to empower them to have the voice and behaviors needed to go in the direction that they want that part of the company to go. Let me guide and then let go..

ofcourse I could list off all of the mundane and ridiculous elements- but I do not want to perseverate on the negative. I want to focus on the future and finding the place that I should be. Finding myself again, "in my element" and thats an awesome place to be.


so with my greatest affection, I am very pleased with (e:ladycroft) s post. Finding a part of you that fits really well somewhere is part of the excavation of life and personal contentment.


(deja vous--- been having that a lot lately.)


and so, although I am quite certain that I know that I am not where I should be..

I am quite uncertain of where I should be heading..

guess that is what weekend #4 is for?

and continued bits if thoughts, experience and advice from family-friends...

good night