I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like the worst teacher in the world. Today I burst into tears as soon as my last class left. I do not want to be that person that cries after a lesson doesn't go well. But when you have four days in a row of teaching and you don't feel like ANY of them were 100% or even 80% successful, it makes you feel pretty terrible about yourself.

I know that I am coming in in the middle of the year to a classroom where the teacher before me was respected and liked a lot. The students are used to a routine. I know that I'm young and that this is my first week of teaching. I am too hard on myself. But I basically stink right now. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have NO control, but there's moments when it's pretty close. I cannot find the fine line between being mean and being nice, and so far I'm leaning way too close towards being too nice and too lenient. But I'm so not used to being mean or being bitchy. I don't WANT to create an environment like that. This is music, it's supposed to be fun and I want kids to look forward to coming here. But I'm letting them literally walk all over me...getting up from their seats without being asked, blatantly talking or doing other work while we're in the middle of rehearsal. And I know a lot of that is probably my fault. I wasn't totally prepared to teach the 7th graders today...I hadn't staged out word for word what I was going to say...and therefore it was a bust. They didn't care, they were fooling around, and I was flustered. And it was even a shortened period.

I just feel so awful about myself right now. And if I don't do something about it soon, I'm going to lose these kids for the rest of the year. I hate you Fredonia and your lack of ability to teach me how to direct a choir. There I go blaming someone else. I hate to bitch and moan but frankly that's all I can think about. Now I get to look forward to a weekend of planning an entire week of lessons that probably won't go well anyway.

I have let people walk all over me my whole life. I know it won't change unless I do something about it, the trouble is, I don't know exactly what to do. It's not like I don't know what I'm talking about or that I'm a person who normally doesn't get along with people. I'm just too goddamn nice and tolerant. With everything. Even with asshole ex-boyfriend. I am so sick and tired of being walked on, and I've got to do something to stop it or it never will... :(

So for the past couple weeks I've taken A LOT of pictures with the intention of putting them up here but haven't put any. I finally got around to putting them on to my computer. There are way too many to put them all in one journal entry, so I'll pick my top choices to show off from a variety of events and get-togethers. Enjoy looking at yourselves, your friends, and random people you don't know!

From our East Aurora trip...

(e:Mike) and Jen heading down towards Main Street and Vidler's.


(e:Mike) reading the description of a cinematic masterpiece


I got a tasty dinner at this restaurant (Tony Rome's) - it was chicken with pasta and red peppers. However, on top of my meal was the biggest strawberry I've ever seen, like seriously gigantic and was totally pumped with steroids.


(e:Mike), (e:Diana) and (e:Jill) lookin sexy with their candy cigs.


St. Matty's Day

The birthday boy, (e:Matthew), and someone I don't know...feel free to identify yourself!


(e:Terry) and (e:Hodown)


(e:Jill), (e:Chris) (one of them...?), (e:Mike) and (e:Libertad)


A sugarglider munching on some broccoli.


Buffalo State Bengal 5K Run...

Me and my friend Nicole before the race.


...and they're off!


Here we are at the finish line...we did it!



The race was super fun...and I reached my measly goal of less than 30 minutes. 28:11 to be exact, making me 6th out of 22 females age 20-24, a 9:05 pace, and 48th overall. Yay! Can't wait for the next one...and I'd love some more racing buddies :)

i'm running in my first race tomorrow. how freakin ridiculous. i'm sort of nervous and not excited because i had a terrible run yesterday. but today i've been drinking a giant bottle of gatorade (i hate gatorade) and eating excessive amounts of carbohydrates (mmmm...i don't mind that at all...i'm probably eating as much as most marathon runners though, and a 5k doesn't quite match up to that level...). i'll go for a quickie run today. the thing is my calves, or rather the sides of my calves feel tight but i don't know a good stretch for them. hopefully i won't injure myself. i guess i don't really care what my time is for the race, but i'm running it with a good friend and i think she is probably faster than me so i will either slow her down or run faster and kill myself and/or get a better workout. i guess that wouldn't be so much of a bad thing. well anyway i'm sure i will be excited once i actually get to the race and see all the other runners and i'm wearing a number. then i will feel cool.

all finished in the ken-ton school district. today was a half day at KMS. SWEET! i wonder if i will get paid for the whole day. i doubt it but that would be nice.

omg i have my first official voice student. she's this like 50 year old lady from the office who used to be in the army and is super loud and in your face. she calls me homie girl and chickie. so today she basically yanked me in her office and was like "ok i need a lesson girlie, what time, where, how much." hahahaha i can't wait for this one! i am like intimidated by her so it will be weird to teach her. but i do love teaching lessons so hopefully it will go all right, and the first lesson is an easy one anyway.

wow it is certainly the time for "firsts"...my first race, first voice student, first real job, first giant bottle of gatorade...

p.s. i love putting risque subject lines so everyone will be enticed to read my journal ;)

i am sitting in the string room at kenmore west listening to the boy's chorus rehearsal and it makes me want to cry. i'm not even in the same room and i can just hear their voices being slaughtered by bad technique and bad repertoire. how does this man STILL teach chorus here? do administrators actually go to any concerts? how did i possibly make it out of this high school ACTUALLY still wanting to teach music? i don't have a strong desire to work in this district but if they offered me the ken west job i would take it in two seconds just so i could make up for the terrible choral and vocal tradition that has been established here. : (

So I'm offically the new chorus/vocal teacher at JFK high school from April until June. I will be teaching high school chorus, a high school theory class, 6th, 7th and 8th grade chorus and 7th grade general music. How crazy. I was really excited and I still am but I can't believe I will have a real job. I'll be like responsible for all these kids. I know they liked me when I came in to rehearse them and hopefully they won't start to hate me. Oh well as long as I get my paycheck. haha j/k.

p.s. I THINK THE SCHOOL DAY STARTS AT 7:20. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. THAT PROBABLY MEANS I HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE AT 6:30. THAT MEANS I HAVE TO GET UP AT LIKE 5:30. KILL ME!

In other news, Kenmore Middle School still smells the same. I can't really describe the smell but it brings back lots of memories and makes me feel like I'm 12 again. Which is bad when you're supposed to be a responsible teacher. And frankly who wants to feel like they are 12?

Supposedly, scent is the strongest of the five senses as far as triggering memory or familiarity.

Ummmm...not much else to say. In a little over a week I will be 23 years old. Oh, my. That just sounds WAY too young for a teacher. Aren't all teachers at least 50 or older...??

and oh yeah, happy spring!