its such a terrible realization, all of the talks, all of everything that is for naught. you feel robbed, cheated when the last page is turned and the book closed. then only to collect dust upon the shelf.

London is amazing. I loved it. The only reason I was looking forward to coming home was to see friends. I was alone for a lot of the trip, and while it was cool, it definately had its downside. Now however, I am experiencing something that I have not felt since going away to college. Ok dirt bags. Get your minds out of the gutter...lol. Does anyone remember the feeling they had coming home to see friends and family if they went away to school? It could have happened at any point during your first 4 semesters, freshman and sophmore year. When you realized that you had changed, or had begun to change. A sort of new realization, or view of the world was taking shape in that previously sheltered noggin. Well I think I'm experiencing this right now. See that was my first trip abroad. I've been to P.R. , Canada, but that doesn't count. I've been planning my next trip, and granted it probably, well it won't happen until next spring (at least one like that) but I'm still thinking about it. I also feel as though my focus is changing. Not sure how, or to where, but it just feels that way. I'm having trouble concentrating on things. My mind has a wanderlust of its own now, and seems to be demanding I acknowledge and do something about it. That's not a bad thing, but on the flip side things I seemed content with, are beginning to not sit so "contently" as they did once before. I don't know maybe I'm being absurd, but one of my good friends told me a trip like that will change you...I'm wondering if he was right.

Sitting at my desk, I've been thinking about how little choices really are like a pebble dropped in a pond. Whether they be decisons made in regards to love, finance, living arrangements, even something as simple as a 5 min window at a grocery store. Now just so you know nothing dramatic has happened. But recently I've been thinking a lot about my relationship "status" as facebook so delicately puts it.

I thinks it partially due to the fact that my uncle passed away on Saturday. He had been sick for a while, and after undergoing radiation and chemo he was weak. Understandably so as he was not a large in stature, and 80yrs old, he lived a long life. He immigrated from the Phillipines in the 50s and became best friends with my nana in med school. He became part of our family (well before I was a thought! Lol)

The reason for a lot of reflection recently stems from something my sister said sunday nite while she was sobbing in the phone. She made a comment,and I immediately understood where she was coming from. It was an emotion that I had been experiencing since my nana and pop passed away. My childhood has ended. Sarah felt that our uncle was the last tie, whatever was left of our childhood, our nana and pop. It was the end of Christmas, summers in Chatauqua, helping in the garden out back, sun warmed raspberries right of the bush...a lot of great memories. Nothing was the same after they were both gone, but Uncle Fran was there, he was what was left of all of those moments.

Now being that I am 33, and my sister is 29, I have no illusions about the fact that I am no longer a child. Its more the idea that my is further away than it has ever seemed to be, yet at times the term adult does not seem to fit.

I would suspect that this recent bout of reflective melancholy is because I have been looking back at certain instances in my life and been wondering how things may have been different had I made a different decision. I'm not saying these are regrets.just that had I made different decisons my life would probably be drastically different. I would not have meet the people I now know and have known. I would not be living where I am. I would also not be going to London for a week long holiday. I think the reflection is more a mental monday morning qb type thing. Yes there are certain things I wish were different. Who doesn't. But there are many things in my life that I enjoy and that I am thankful for.

I am worried though that this trip will open a pandoras box. One that I feel is rattling, and shaking, waiting to be broken open. We will see what happens. Well I've said enough for now. Sorry for the verbal walkabout!

I think the fact that Madoff's bail was revoked and that he will be spending the rest of his life in jail is great. The unfortunate thing is that many more are getting away with robbing the American people and driving this country into this current recession.

I was getting new front tires about a month ago when I ended up speaking with the gentleman in the waiting area of Mavis. A few of his good friends had lost all of their savings with Madoff. We started talking about it because it happened to be on the little tv sitting on the table in the corner. The gentleman explained how the friends of his got involved. It happened at an exclusive private country club in Florida. Apparently Madoff had "two guys" who would carefully screen propsective investors who would only be accepted if they were in a certain income bracket. He also explained that there was a "referral" system through other members to Madoffs guys. After all of these "formalities" the prospective investors would begin investing with Madoffs firm.

While listening to this, I was watching the cars being serviced in the garage area through the large glass window. My silver jetta, another guys blue gti, and then this gentleman's jaguar. My mind was spinning trying to imagine the lifestyle one must have had before being swindled by Bernie Madoff. Meanwhile the guy with the jaguar looks at us and says "wow am I happy I didn't get referred by anyone, and I wasn't considered special enough to invest with that firm." He then began to ramble on about how he was leaving for florida in the morning.

It was all kind of bizzare in a way. Everyone has been touched in one way or another by this recession. Some more than others. Nothing profound here, just wanted to share that story

I am going to London in May. I don't know if it has really sunk in. It was kind of a impulse decision to be honest. I'm going to be there for my birthday, which I now have mixed feelings about that. I'm in the process of trying to recruit people to go, as it is just me right now. I have friends just outside of London and a goody buddy in Dublin, so I could go to ireland as well. Right now I have to flesh out the details such as hotels, itinerary and anything else. Ill let you all know how things are progressing.