So this is the first Christmas since I was born that we will not be going to my nonna's house, obvioulsy since she passed away this summer. It really is much sadder than I thought it would be. She is really what made Christmas special becuase now it is just my brother, terry, matt, my parents and me at my parents house. Not that that won't be fun, it just isn't the same. I loved going over to her house where Santa would also come for us, and sitting around and eating and chatting all day and eating way too much as always is the way at her house.I miss her so much all the time but today it is much more extremely hard. It just doesn't feel right without her. More than any of my other grandparents I really miss her because i knew her so much as an adult where we could really bond beyond the child/grandparent relationship from when I was younger. Nonna...I miss you, I love you, merry christmas somewhere out there!

So, I really feel lately like I need to get into a relationship of some sort. I never really cared to date anyone that much well there are times I do but in general I didn't but lately I really want to. And its weird because normally I feel that way when all my friends are in pretty serious relationships but that is not the case right now yet I am so wanting to be in one. Ok I'm not saying I have tried very hard to meet people, I really don't try hard becuase I don't really know how, but the only peoploe I have met basically just have stopped talking to me. One problem is I do develop enfatuations with people that like completely consume me . I can't even fathom anyone else while I am enfatuated with them and that perosn I get to afraid to even talk to and so I end up alone. Like currenly maybe there is one person with potential and actually the potential is probably only in my head. Whenever theyare around I freeze up and look stupid and an't carry on a conversation let alone try and show any interest.

Some say I am self defeating becasuee I don't' believe in myself. maybe.

I am at the point where I don't care if the they date someone else,hits me, is like 10,000lbs , missing all their teeth, and has the IQ of a chimp as long as they show in terst in me like one day a week...maybe wednesdays.

So my christmas cards are almost done. And they are amazing if I do say so myself. OK, maybe to the untrained eye they don't look so good but they are relaly good. Ok for me they are, even if my skills are like those of a 7 year olds. I was up all night working on them and have to finsih them tonight. When you see one you would think hmmm....that must have taken what 10, 15 minutes tops. Well no, it took me forever for each one because I have no artistic skills really. So many of you watch in your mailboxes in the days to come (likely after Christmas) to see my glorious creations. Paul, Matt and Terry were the first recipients, they are the only people who have seen them so far. Ok that's all for now......

Oh wait, me and (E:terry) were discussing. Can you put stuff in people's mailboxes. I remember learning that you cannot put anything in a mailbox that does not have a stamp but I am not really sure why that would be and so I am not sure if it is true. I thought of just dropping off many of these cards myself so they will get there on time. Anyone know? THanks,

So I a little bit stuck to my drinking less plan. I did not drink nearly as much as I usually do and stayed at like an ok level. Not sober by any means but I did not pass out til like 4 and didn't really throw up at all. By the by (e:lilho) may we always share tiny little bottles of like pure alochol that burns us as it goes down. 99proof I think? Wait is that a lot? If it is then that is prolly what it was. It was good to see everyone again and I am glad (e:beast) and (e:jesse) made it out to the party. Thanks (e:ladycroft) and (e:lilho) for letting my autograph your breasts. You hsould prolly never wash those becasue they will be worth tons one day. Plus the fact that the big J. Ho was there always means it will be a good time. She is my ultimate corruptor. Who kmnows? If it was n't for her maybe I wuld be successful or have goals or something.

Now for the advice...

So their is this person I met at a party like a month ago or so and we hung out a few times. Like I'm not gonna say we got al ong great or antyhing but we got along and things went ok I thought. It was weird becasue after a lot happening the first time we hung out then after that it was much more like friends but enjoyable anyway. Anywho, liek the last time we hung out I got quite a bit drunk and went back and hung out at their apt and slep there, like literally just slept, and that night and when I left in themornign eveyrthing seemed ok but then I left for Boston. And when I came back I asked if they wanted to go to dinner and they said maybe but htey might have had some work party or something and then they texted me later that they couldn't but maybe some other time. And I had already kinda felt like I was always the one like asking to hang out so I already wasn't sure if they were really intersted so I said ok just let me know if you want to hang out sometime. And then I haven't heard from them since really.... so do I just let it go? Liek it is weird cuz it didn't seem like anyting was wrong really besides the fact I was durnk and stuff but it seemd ok at the time.


So my question is , do I contadt them and just make sure it really is they don't want to hang otu with me anymore? Like I would say maybe it is obvious they don't but as most of my friends will telll you, I tend to exaggerate and alssume people won't want to hang out with me and like I twist stories to make it sound like they don't. Hmm I don't know if this made sense. advice is appreciated

So as some of you know, I think I need to stop drinking so heavily at parties and things. I mean I only drink at parties or get togethers really but I always seem to drink myself into oblivion and really is that necessary? Sure it is fun, but necessary? I think I could probably still have fun and not be that drunk. After every party I or someone get photos developed and I am like wow why do I drink that much and become that embarassing. With the recent photos I just developed from Halloween and my eckerd work party and others over the year I think the proof is in the pudding...here is some photgraphic evidence.




Ok why is there always a photo of me throwing up/about to throw up. Though dressed as a fraggle I think the posed over the toilet look actually comes off as kind of endearing.




Why do I always make this face that I think will be sexy at the time (haha!) but always comes out bad and with triple chins.



And here the face strikes again.