First of all I just want to say that my dinner party went off perfectly. Ok by perfetly I mean the food was done about 2 hours later than I said, I burned a few things, and used just about every dish and pan in this house preparing the food creating the largest kitchen mess ever. But it was still good fun and I tihnk everyone had a good time. me and (e:Mk) were quite the ultimate players at the celebrity game. it almost seemed unfair that we were on the same team. Hopefully, (e:amanda) or (e:mk) will post pictures soon.

More importantly though, the DISH network has pulled the plug on offering LIfetime to its customers. IT TRIES TO CLAIM LIfetime is BEING UNREASONABLE!!! Hmm if the problem is lifetime why don't they have the same trouble with other cable companies and satelite networks. THE DISH NETWORK IS THE DEVIL! Ok i don't even have the DISH and so tihs doesn't' relaly affect me but I don't like the idea of some corporation limiting an American's viewing of the Golden Girls or the Nanny. Small issue you may think...but you gotta pick your battles. First this, then what?

Ok so my dinner party tonight may consist of Spahetti O's . Ahhh I stlil haven't planned what to make and/or gotten the ingredients and people will be here in 4.5 hours. Why did I not plan this earlier. I thought I would get up early today and start, yeah...get up early after new year's eve, not gonna happen. So why am I here writing this...procrastination of course. Wish me luck!@

First of all, I am using the new computer me and (e:paul) got my parents for christmas and it is so nice to have a new computer. One that doesn't freeze every 2.5 seconds and take a good 13 minutes to start up each time. It seriously is a whole new wolrd. Next DSL or cable internet and who knows what will happen. The only problem is my scanner for some reason is not like showing up on the computer and I have lots of pictures I need to scan by Sunday....

that leads me to my dinner party. Every year over christmas break I have a dinner party for my friends from highschool. It is like a rebonding every year thing. There are about 10 of us and now the significant others come too. Let me tell you I am no cook but for one day a year I do a pretty fantastic job if i do say so myself, haha. Really these twice baked cheesey potatoes win everyone over and it doesn't matter what anything else tastes like. Any suggestions for some fun appetizers I could make? I do have a whole book full of fun appetizers thanks to (e:paul) but more suggestions are always welcome. I also want to have some kind of updated slideshow/video movie thing to update with our college years since my mammoth highschool one is now almost 5 years old...but alas I need my scanner to work.

So this is the first Christmas since I was born that we will not be going to my nonna's house, obvioulsy since she passed away this summer. It really is much sadder than I thought it would be. She is really what made Christmas special becuase now it is just my brother, terry, matt, my parents and me at my parents house. Not that that won't be fun, it just isn't the same. I loved going over to her house where Santa would also come for us, and sitting around and eating and chatting all day and eating way too much as always is the way at her house.I miss her so much all the time but today it is much more extremely hard. It just doesn't feel right without her. More than any of my other grandparents I really miss her because i knew her so much as an adult where we could really bond beyond the child/grandparent relationship from when I was younger. Nonna...I miss you, I love you, merry christmas somewhere out there!

So, I really feel lately like I need to get into a relationship of some sort. I never really cared to date anyone that much well there are times I do but in general I didn't but lately I really want to. And its weird because normally I feel that way when all my friends are in pretty serious relationships but that is not the case right now yet I am so wanting to be in one. Ok I'm not saying I have tried very hard to meet people, I really don't try hard becuase I don't really know how, but the only peoploe I have met basically just have stopped talking to me. One problem is I do develop enfatuations with people that like completely consume me . I can't even fathom anyone else while I am enfatuated with them and that perosn I get to afraid to even talk to and so I end up alone. Like currenly maybe there is one person with potential and actually the potential is probably only in my head. Whenever theyare around I freeze up and look stupid and an't carry on a conversation let alone try and show any interest.

Some say I am self defeating becasuee I don't' believe in myself. maybe.

I am at the point where I don't care if the they date someone else,hits me, is like 10,000lbs , missing all their teeth, and has the IQ of a chimp as long as they show in terst in me like one day a week...maybe wednesdays.