It's almost time to come home. I was considering not coming back to buffalo for Thanksgiving but I changed my mind because I want to see (e:beast). Thank God I'm not staying here. I need to come home and see my friends and my mom. At this point in the past four years, I would have been coming home for winter break until after new year's. I now understand how much it sucked for all my friends to have to go back to school until Christmas. What a crappy schedule!

I skipped class tonight because I didn't sleep at all last night. Sometimes my mind just won't slow down. I feel guilty for not going but I got my paper in on time so I guess it's not a big deal. Still I was feeling a little lonely and sad tonight. I think that it was because I started looking at old pictures from when I was little and high school. It made me both happy and sad. Lately I cry a lot more than I smile. I know it's just the timing but I really miss talking to certain people I love who are gone, in one way or anything.

I haven't been able to stop thinking of my grandfather who died 4 years ago. He was really important to me and I wish, more than anything, that I could see him again. So few people are lucky enough to have someone replace a crappy father. I was lucky because my grandfather was the best, most admirable person I have ever known. He was probably the only reason I didn't grow up hating men. He really wanted me to do something important and be better than I thought I could be. I think in the last year he was alive he was disappointed in me. I wish I could tell him what I'm doing now and how much I think of him. He was in a lot of the pictures I have been looking at.

The pictures also reminded me of so many fun things I have done, in simple times, with people I loved. Now it seems like the chances of doing those really fun things get smaller by the year. I'm glad I had so many good times, and I know there will be more, but I think I'm just doomed to be in a bit of a sad state for a while.
My glum attitude must have been obvious because someone gave me a rose today. I've never gotten a rose from someone who wasn't my boyfriend so I didn't really know how to react. It's pink, and a really nice gesture. Hopefully looking at that for the next couple days will cheer me up a bit.

So this weekend we made my first visit to Boston Commons. There was an anti-war protest involving lots of pairs of shoes. It must have taken forever to set up! Anyway, it was the perfect day for a walk, the fall colors were so pretty. Even my little Cambridge Commons seems transformed into an entirely new place. I love walking home because it seems like I a new world everyday. I'm going to miss this when winter comes. Here are some pictures from our walk:

Cambridge Commons



Boston Commons

Sorry if this sounds like a rant but I just have to get this off my chest.

The world is completely unfair. I have always believed that there was some kind of balance in the things that happen to people. I thought if you were a really good person you would be dealt with fairly. That’s not to say everything would go your way, but at least you would get you fair share of good and bad. Maybe I have always been too naïve but this is the way I thought life was. Now I realize that it is not that way at all. It doesn’t even matter what kind of person you are, bad things will happen to you. Mary, who has been a second mother to me my whole life, is very sick. She has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has spread to her lymph nodes. I can’t tell you how I feel because I’m basically falling apart. I know that nobody deserves to get sick, but this is just the most unfair thing I can imagine. Mary spends her life taking care of other people. When someone is sick or scared (which I have been many times) she drops EVERYTHING and comes to the rescue. She is not married and doesn’t have any children of her own, but she has taken care of her nieces and nephews (not to mention the children of her employees) as if they were hers. She is selfless, strong, and always positive. If you have a problem, you can count on Mary to rally everyone to your side. Now who is going to be there for her? Her family members, who are often the source of her problems, are there to take care of her and she has friends and people who love her, but she doesn’t have anyone like herself. None of us can be as good to her as she has been to us. Even put together, we don’t have the power to make everything okay. I feel so helpless because I want to make her feel safe and erase her fears like she has always done for me, but I don’t know how she did it. I wish I was home to just sit with her, to just be there. It’s just not fair. I can’t imagine her dying, she’s so young. I just can’t imagine it.

Well the pictures are finally off my digital camera. First pictures of my apartment, then random boston/cambridge pictures, and finally Oktoberfest which happened this weekend in Harvard Square...here goes.

my apartment on Mass Ave.


the living room in our apartment




my room...I love my room!






bathroom all in purple


Lauren, my roommate


the coop in Harvard Square


my school


graveyard right near my apartment- the date on it is 1635!


downtown Boston is beautiful


Oktoberfest this weekend in the Square


i bought a dish for my mom's birthday


That's all for now. Hopefully I will get some better pictures of Cambridge. It's so lovely! (e:Matthew) you need to come here so that we can have some pictures that match the natural beauty of the area.

Oh yeah, I'm definitely coming home for thanksgiving. I can't wait because (e:beast) is coming home and I miss her sooooo much! Okay, bye bye for now.

As usual it’s been a while since my last post. I know I promised pictures of my apartment, Cambridge, and the roommate, but right now they are all on my digital camera. I’m not in a big rush because I’m pretty sure no one is really holding their breath. Instead I wanted to post about something that has hit me since I started school two weeks ago.

As a requirement (the only requirement) of my program, I have to take a class on Integrative Thinking. Honestly I would have never taken this course if I didn’t have to and I really couldn’t have told you what integrative thinking meant before last week, but ironically this is my most meaningful course thus far. To show that I have learned something, I will tell you what integrative thinking (in reference to looking at educational topics) means. The expressed purpose of the course is to get people to look at topics of education in a complex manner. By resisting the urge to simplify and generalize issues, we can adjust to the idea that no one solution will exist that solves “the problem of education.” Don’t get the wrong idea, this is not simply an extreme form of relativism. Integrated thinkers search for answers- real solutions- but they do not expect one answer to fit all, and they don’t minimize the problem so that they can find a solution more easily. Furthermore, integrative thinkers attempt to use as many perspectives as possible to come up with a solution. It’s like being right-handed but forcing yourself to develop your left-hand as well. Sometimes it’s a huge benefit to be ambidextrous. Or, think of it like the way humans see. We have binocular vision, that is, we see with two eyes. The multiple perspectives allow us to see depth (among other things). This is the perfect metaphor for integrative thinking- multiple perspectives give us the ability to see something more deeply. This all sounds really meaningless and abstract but I really find it to be a beautifully refreshing perspective.

Anyway, I’m sure I didn’t explain that clearly at all, but the point it brings me to is that the reading and work that I have done for this class have given me so much to think about lately. My future seems so uncertain because the more I learn about different ideas the more I become unwilling to commit to one life goal. I guess the best way to describe what I’m feeling is to compare it to finding a soulmate. When you are looking for someone to be with forever you don’t just want someone you like. The person needs to be special. They need to have the capacity to challenge you for the rest of your life. They need to be someone you can imagine being passionate about forever. (These are my beliefs anyway)
For me, finding a life’s wok requires the same feelings. It may seem like a lot to expect, but nevertheless, I have long thought that I had found my soulmate; the one focus that I was passionate about and could feel content building my life around. However lately, while working on this class, I have gotten shaken by my interest in other things. You could liken it to getting a “crush,” only this is on a new topic or line of research I never thought about before. These “crushes” are confusing, they make me question whether I could have more passion for something else; they make me wonder if my “soulmate” is really the one. Since I’m someone who despises change, these tremors are quite unsettling. I think about the possibilities my life could take all the time. I wonder whether my resistance to change will force me to end up with a pseudo-soulmate for the rest of my life. If it takes me longer to find the right one, then shouldn’t I be ok with that? Patience has never been my strongest characteristic, but now, do I need to force myself to take the time it requires rather than rush ahead?

In the end, I guess I think that questioning what you have settled for is a good thing. Sometimes you have to take risks to decide what’s really right for you. I’m not a determinist but I think if the track I’m on right now is right, then I will end up back on it eventually. I don’t expect life to do everything for me, but I trust myself (most of the time). If I’m not in the right place, I like to think I’ll find my way there somehow.