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Maureen's Journal

maureen
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12/28/2005 01:11 #27704

New Year's Eve....blah
New Year's is one holiday that always depresses me. I'm not really a superstitious person but ever since I was little I believed that how I spent new year's (or rather how I felt on new year's) was symbolic of how my year was going to be. When I was young it was okay because I was generally with my mom, watching the ball drop on tv. And, indeed, that's how I spent most of the following year, with my mom doing uneventful things. It was good, I enjoyed it. But I remember one year when I was a little older my father called and made me stay on the phone at midnight (obviously he didn't make me, but at the time I thought I had no choice). I was so upset and the rest of the year was filled with turmoil involving him. Since then I have had at least one really good New Year's Eve and one really bad one. Now, New Year's is something I just don't look forward to. I'd like to be one of those crabby people who goes to bed at 10 o'clock and ignores the whole thing but deep down I'm scared that my whole year will be me avoiding things and hiding away. I'm not very social to begin with so this could really happen! Anyway, I'm still holding out hope that the next New Year's Eve will be irrefutably good. Even if the whole thing is in my head, I think it will make my whole year a little better.

12/20/2005 23:26 #27703

Xmas card picture
I got a christmas card from (e:beast) today and she included this picture in it.
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I think it's the best picture I've seen of the two of us together. I'm definitely going to frame it when I get back to school. Thanks Teres!!

12/20/2005 00:45 #27702

I never think of good titles
I've only been home for two full days by now but my vacation is pretty much over. I still have to write all my final papers by the middle of January and it's going to be so much work. I wish that I could be home and not have work to do like every other year. Vacation used to mean doing nothing...I miss those days. At least I'll have a week or two at the end of January to do nothing at all. I'm going to use that thought to get me through these next couple of weeks. For some reason I just can't focus at home. It's so hard to work in a place that I now associate with vacation.

I'm also really sick of struggling with the same things over and over again. It seems like whenever I think that I am done with something it comes back up again later. Doesn't it seem like there are a finite number of things that we just keep reliving? I have the same fights with people, experience the same highs and lows, go through the motions of applying to things over and over, and then it all happens again. Maybe I just convince myself I am really done with something so that it feels like I have actually reached a goal. Without that feeling I might just never try. So right now I'm going to pretend that I am actually going to achieve something this year. I'll pretend that things will be different in 2006. Who knows, maybe they will...

Since I don't post very often I will take this opportunity to wish all the (e:peeps) happy holidays. More importantly, I hope this new year is better than any before :)

joshua - 12/20/05 15:30
Purely from reading your journal, I think you are overanalytical... but to be perfectly honest I am as well. :)

My advice to you would be to evaluate whats *really* important, then prioritize. Maybe it will be possible for you to come to the realization that some of the things that are causing you stress aren't really deserving of your attention.

Don't put undue stress on yourself, either. Its good to be driven and goal-oriented, but don't murder yourself over it. Undue stress is going to affect the quality of your work towards your goal.

The most important thing is this - you're smart, you are talented... don't worry about whether or not you are going to achieve something! Believe it, and assume it! Never forget that.

Anyhow, merry christmas. :)
alicia - 12/20/05 12:14
happy holidays to you as well :)

11/14/2005 21:50 #27701

Feeling Ho Hum
It's almost time to come home. I was considering not coming back to buffalo for Thanksgiving but I changed my mind because I want to see (e:beast). Thank God I'm not staying here. I need to come home and see my friends and my mom. At this point in the past four years, I would have been coming home for winter break until after new year's. I now understand how much it sucked for all my friends to have to go back to school until Christmas. What a crappy schedule!

I skipped class tonight because I didn't sleep at all last night. Sometimes my mind just won't slow down. I feel guilty for not going but I got my paper in on time so I guess it's not a big deal. Still I was feeling a little lonely and sad tonight. I think that it was because I started looking at old pictures from when I was little and high school. It made me both happy and sad. Lately I cry a lot more than I smile. I know it's just the timing but I really miss talking to certain people I love who are gone, in one way or anything.

I haven't been able to stop thinking of my grandfather who died 4 years ago. He was really important to me and I wish, more than anything, that I could see him again. So few people are lucky enough to have someone replace a crappy father. I was lucky because my grandfather was the best, most admirable person I have ever known. He was probably the only reason I didn't grow up hating men. He really wanted me to do something important and be better than I thought I could be. I think in the last year he was alive he was disappointed in me. I wish I could tell him what I'm doing now and how much I think of him. He was in a lot of the pictures I have been looking at.

The pictures also reminded me of so many fun things I have done, in simple times, with people I loved. Now it seems like the chances of doing those really fun things get smaller by the year. I'm glad I had so many good times, and I know there will be more, but I think I'm just doomed to be in a bit of a sad state for a while.
My glum attitude must have been obvious because someone gave me a rose today. I've never gotten a rose from someone who wasn't my boyfriend so I didn't really know how to react. It's pink, and a really nice gesture. Hopefully looking at that for the next couple days will cheer me up a bit.


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11/07/2005 23:37 #27700

Boston Commons in the Fall
Category: photos
So this weekend we made my first visit to Boston Commons. There was an anti-war protest involving lots of pairs of shoes. It must have taken forever to set up! Anyway, it was the perfect day for a walk, the fall colors were so pretty. Even my little Cambridge Commons seems transformed into an entirely new place. I love walking home because it seems like I a new world everyday. I'm going to miss this when winter comes. Here are some pictures from our walk:

Cambridge Commons

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Boston Commons

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metalpeter - 11/08/05 18:41
Never been to Boston. It looks great in the quck shots from Boston Legal. I would like to visit it some time. I would love to go to a bruins game they used to be a huge rival of the Sabres, for some reason.
ladycroft - 11/08/05 17:27
I love Boston in the fall! So many memories. Don't forget to check out the Commons in the winter, when all the lights are on the trees, snow falling gently, people ice-skating on the frog pond...it's beautiful!
jason - 11/08/05 14:22
Ahhh, Boston, the center of liberal hysteria.