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Maureen's Journal

maureen
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12/20/2005 00:45 #27702

I never think of good titles
I've only been home for two full days by now but my vacation is pretty much over. I still have to write all my final papers by the middle of January and it's going to be so much work. I wish that I could be home and not have work to do like every other year. Vacation used to mean doing nothing...I miss those days. At least I'll have a week or two at the end of January to do nothing at all. I'm going to use that thought to get me through these next couple of weeks. For some reason I just can't focus at home. It's so hard to work in a place that I now associate with vacation.

I'm also really sick of struggling with the same things over and over again. It seems like whenever I think that I am done with something it comes back up again later. Doesn't it seem like there are a finite number of things that we just keep reliving? I have the same fights with people, experience the same highs and lows, go through the motions of applying to things over and over, and then it all happens again. Maybe I just convince myself I am really done with something so that it feels like I have actually reached a goal. Without that feeling I might just never try. So right now I'm going to pretend that I am actually going to achieve something this year. I'll pretend that things will be different in 2006. Who knows, maybe they will...

Since I don't post very often I will take this opportunity to wish all the (e:peeps) happy holidays. More importantly, I hope this new year is better than any before :)

joshua - 12/20/05 15:30
Purely from reading your journal, I think you are overanalytical... but to be perfectly honest I am as well. :)

My advice to you would be to evaluate whats *really* important, then prioritize. Maybe it will be possible for you to come to the realization that some of the things that are causing you stress aren't really deserving of your attention.

Don't put undue stress on yourself, either. Its good to be driven and goal-oriented, but don't murder yourself over it. Undue stress is going to affect the quality of your work towards your goal.

The most important thing is this - you're smart, you are talented... don't worry about whether or not you are going to achieve something! Believe it, and assume it! Never forget that.

Anyhow, merry christmas. :)
alicia - 12/20/05 12:14
happy holidays to you as well :)

11/14/2005 21:50 #27701

Feeling Ho Hum
It's almost time to come home. I was considering not coming back to buffalo for Thanksgiving but I changed my mind because I want to see (e:beast). Thank God I'm not staying here. I need to come home and see my friends and my mom. At this point in the past four years, I would have been coming home for winter break until after new year's. I now understand how much it sucked for all my friends to have to go back to school until Christmas. What a crappy schedule!

I skipped class tonight because I didn't sleep at all last night. Sometimes my mind just won't slow down. I feel guilty for not going but I got my paper in on time so I guess it's not a big deal. Still I was feeling a little lonely and sad tonight. I think that it was because I started looking at old pictures from when I was little and high school. It made me both happy and sad. Lately I cry a lot more than I smile. I know it's just the timing but I really miss talking to certain people I love who are gone, in one way or anything.

I haven't been able to stop thinking of my grandfather who died 4 years ago. He was really important to me and I wish, more than anything, that I could see him again. So few people are lucky enough to have someone replace a crappy father. I was lucky because my grandfather was the best, most admirable person I have ever known. He was probably the only reason I didn't grow up hating men. He really wanted me to do something important and be better than I thought I could be. I think in the last year he was alive he was disappointed in me. I wish I could tell him what I'm doing now and how much I think of him. He was in a lot of the pictures I have been looking at.

The pictures also reminded me of so many fun things I have done, in simple times, with people I loved. Now it seems like the chances of doing those really fun things get smaller by the year. I'm glad I had so many good times, and I know there will be more, but I think I'm just doomed to be in a bit of a sad state for a while.
My glum attitude must have been obvious because someone gave me a rose today. I've never gotten a rose from someone who wasn't my boyfriend so I didn't really know how to react. It's pink, and a really nice gesture. Hopefully looking at that for the next couple days will cheer me up a bit.


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11/07/2005 23:37 #27700

Boston Commons in the Fall
Category: photos
So this weekend we made my first visit to Boston Commons. There was an anti-war protest involving lots of pairs of shoes. It must have taken forever to set up! Anyway, it was the perfect day for a walk, the fall colors were so pretty. Even my little Cambridge Commons seems transformed into an entirely new place. I love walking home because it seems like I a new world everyday. I'm going to miss this when winter comes. Here are some pictures from our walk:

Cambridge Commons

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Boston Commons

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metalpeter - 11/08/05 18:41
Never been to Boston. It looks great in the quck shots from Boston Legal. I would like to visit it some time. I would love to go to a bruins game they used to be a huge rival of the Sabres, for some reason.
ladycroft - 11/08/05 17:27
I love Boston in the fall! So many memories. Don't forget to check out the Commons in the winter, when all the lights are on the trees, snow falling gently, people ice-skating on the frog pond...it's beautiful!
jason - 11/08/05 14:22
Ahhh, Boston, the center of liberal hysteria.

10/13/2005 17:27 #27699

It's not fair
Sorry if this sounds like a rant but I just have to get this off my chest.

The world is completely unfair. I have always believed that there was some kind of balance in the things that happen to people. I thought if you were a really good person you would be dealt with fairly. That’s not to say everything would go your way, but at least you would get you fair share of good and bad. Maybe I have always been too naïve but this is the way I thought life was. Now I realize that it is not that way at all. It doesn’t even matter what kind of person you are, bad things will happen to you. Mary, who has been a second mother to me my whole life, is very sick. She has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has spread to her lymph nodes. I can’t tell you how I feel because I’m basically falling apart. I know that nobody deserves to get sick, but this is just the most unfair thing I can imagine. Mary spends her life taking care of other people. When someone is sick or scared (which I have been many times) she drops EVERYTHING and comes to the rescue. She is not married and doesn’t have any children of her own, but she has taken care of her nieces and nephews (not to mention the children of her employees) as if they were hers. She is selfless, strong, and always positive. If you have a problem, you can count on Mary to rally everyone to your side. Now who is going to be there for her? Her family members, who are often the source of her problems, are there to take care of her and she has friends and people who love her, but she doesn’t have anyone like herself. None of us can be as good to her as she has been to us. Even put together, we don’t have the power to make everything okay. I feel so helpless because I want to make her feel safe and erase her fears like she has always done for me, but I don’t know how she did it. I wish I was home to just sit with her, to just be there. It’s just not fair. I can’t imagine her dying, she’s so young. I just can’t imagine it.

leetee - 10/14/05 00:24
I am so sorry. I can completely understand why you are feeling the way you are.

But know that you can help. When you reach out to someone who is seriously ill, no matter how small it may seem to you, it could mean the world to her. It's easy to think you can't make the grand gestures you want, or that you know she deserves, but i know you don't want her to think you aren't thinking of her.

I have been on that end. Friends thought they would do the wrong thing or not do enough to help, when all i needed to know is that they were there and that my illness wouldn't scare them away.

Let her know how much she means to you. Tell her you think it is unfair and you want her to fight it and you will be her cheerleader. If from afar, you will think of her.

It is very unfair. Get mad. Then get even. Don't let the disease beat you.. or her!!!
metalpeter - 10/13/05 21:21
First of all the cancer sucks. I hope it was caught soon enough so that she has a chance to fight it. The fact that it got in her lymph noads and possibly the lympth system is to bad, cancers like that can be beat but are verry tough I wish her luck.

In terms of life not being fair. Sometimes good things happen to bad people and vice versa. Yes I do belive in do on to others and they would do on to you, and Karma and Things that go around will come around. But unfortunatly that often dosn't happen with health. I have never read it but there is a book that is supposed to be a big help it is called something like "why do bad things happen to good people" I hope I was of some help.

10/03/2005 23:23 #27698

so many pictures
Category: photos
Well the pictures are finally off my digital camera. First pictures of my apartment, then random boston/cambridge pictures, and finally Oktoberfest which happened this weekend in Harvard Square...here goes.

my apartment on Mass Ave.
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the living room in our apartment
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my room...I love my room!
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bathroom all in purple
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Lauren, my roommate
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the coop in Harvard Square
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my school
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graveyard right near my apartment- the date on it is 1635!
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downtown Boston is beautiful
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Oktoberfest this weekend in the Square
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i bought a dish for my mom's birthday
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That's all for now. Hopefully I will get some better pictures of Cambridge. It's so lovely! (e:Matthew) you need to come here so that we can have some pictures that match the natural beauty of the area.

Oh yeah, I'm definitely coming home for thanksgiving. I can't wait because (e:beast) is coming home and I miss her sooooo much! Okay, bye bye for now.
mike - 10/04/05 19:21
Maybe I will have a week off at the end of October and come see this crazy city for myself!
ladycroft - 10/04/05 00:11
Now I reeeeeeeally miss Boston! Can't wait to see you in a few weeks! Your apartment is amazing, you got such a deal!!!
jessbob - 10/03/05 23:32
nice pictures. I am such a bad Grad Assistant. Sorry we got cut off my phone died