I got a christmas card from (e:beast) today and she included this picture in it.

I think it's the best picture I've seen of the two of us together. I'm definitely going to frame it when I get back to school. Thanks Teres!!

I've only been home for two full days by now but my vacation is pretty much over. I still have to write all my final papers by the middle of January and it's going to be so much work. I wish that I could be home and not have work to do like every other year. Vacation used to mean doing nothing...I miss those days. At least I'll have a week or two at the end of January to do nothing at all. I'm going to use that thought to get me through these next couple of weeks. For some reason I just can't focus at home. It's so hard to work in a place that I now associate with vacation.

I'm also really sick of struggling with the same things over and over again. It seems like whenever I think that I am done with something it comes back up again later. Doesn't it seem like there are a finite number of things that we just keep reliving? I have the same fights with people, experience the same highs and lows, go through the motions of applying to things over and over, and then it all happens again. Maybe I just convince myself I am really done with something so that it feels like I have actually reached a goal. Without that feeling I might just never try. So right now I'm going to pretend that I am actually going to achieve something this year. I'll pretend that things will be different in 2006. Who knows, maybe they will...

Since I don't post very often I will take this opportunity to wish all the (e:peeps) happy holidays. More importantly, I hope this new year is better than any before :)

It's almost time to come home. I was considering not coming back to buffalo for Thanksgiving but I changed my mind because I want to see (e:beast). Thank God I'm not staying here. I need to come home and see my friends and my mom. At this point in the past four years, I would have been coming home for winter break until after new year's. I now understand how much it sucked for all my friends to have to go back to school until Christmas. What a crappy schedule!

I skipped class tonight because I didn't sleep at all last night. Sometimes my mind just won't slow down. I feel guilty for not going but I got my paper in on time so I guess it's not a big deal. Still I was feeling a little lonely and sad tonight. I think that it was because I started looking at old pictures from when I was little and high school. It made me both happy and sad. Lately I cry a lot more than I smile. I know it's just the timing but I really miss talking to certain people I love who are gone, in one way or anything.

I haven't been able to stop thinking of my grandfather who died 4 years ago. He was really important to me and I wish, more than anything, that I could see him again. So few people are lucky enough to have someone replace a crappy father. I was lucky because my grandfather was the best, most admirable person I have ever known. He was probably the only reason I didn't grow up hating men. He really wanted me to do something important and be better than I thought I could be. I think in the last year he was alive he was disappointed in me. I wish I could tell him what I'm doing now and how much I think of him. He was in a lot of the pictures I have been looking at.

The pictures also reminded me of so many fun things I have done, in simple times, with people I loved. Now it seems like the chances of doing those really fun things get smaller by the year. I'm glad I had so many good times, and I know there will be more, but I think I'm just doomed to be in a bit of a sad state for a while.
My glum attitude must have been obvious because someone gave me a rose today. I've never gotten a rose from someone who wasn't my boyfriend so I didn't really know how to react. It's pink, and a really nice gesture. Hopefully looking at that for the next couple days will cheer me up a bit.

So this weekend we made my first visit to Boston Commons. There was an anti-war protest involving lots of pairs of shoes. It must have taken forever to set up! Anyway, it was the perfect day for a walk, the fall colors were so pretty. Even my little Cambridge Commons seems transformed into an entirely new place. I love walking home because it seems like I a new world everyday. I'm going to miss this when winter comes. Here are some pictures from our walk:

Cambridge Commons



Boston Commons

Sorry if this sounds like a rant but I just have to get this off my chest.

The world is completely unfair. I have always believed that there was some kind of balance in the things that happen to people. I thought if you were a really good person you would be dealt with fairly. That’s not to say everything would go your way, but at least you would get you fair share of good and bad. Maybe I have always been too naïve but this is the way I thought life was. Now I realize that it is not that way at all. It doesn’t even matter what kind of person you are, bad things will happen to you. Mary, who has been a second mother to me my whole life, is very sick. She has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has spread to her lymph nodes. I can’t tell you how I feel because I’m basically falling apart. I know that nobody deserves to get sick, but this is just the most unfair thing I can imagine. Mary spends her life taking care of other people. When someone is sick or scared (which I have been many times) she drops EVERYTHING and comes to the rescue. She is not married and doesn’t have any children of her own, but she has taken care of her nieces and nephews (not to mention the children of her employees) as if they were hers. She is selfless, strong, and always positive. If you have a problem, you can count on Mary to rally everyone to your side. Now who is going to be there for her? Her family members, who are often the source of her problems, are there to take care of her and she has friends and people who love her, but she doesn’t have anyone like herself. None of us can be as good to her as she has been to us. Even put together, we don’t have the power to make everything okay. I feel so helpless because I want to make her feel safe and erase her fears like she has always done for me, but I don’t know how she did it. I wish I was home to just sit with her, to just be there. It’s just not fair. I can’t imagine her dying, she’s so young. I just can’t imagine it.