I've been reading the book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

1.Be impeccable with your word
2.Don't make assumptions
3.Always do your best
4.Don't take anything personally


The first 3 items are words which I have truly tried to live by. It took time to become enlightened by these prospects. The time to make mistakes, time to grieve, time to push through them, and time to adjust. That last of the 4 is something I've always had a hard time with.

1.I often tell people, "Say what you mean and mean what you say". I don't like double talk, backstabbing, double standards and the like. I don't know many people that do like it. Some are more prone to it than others. None of us are immune entirely, but I certainly put the conscious effort into my words.

2.I learned not to make assumptions after many disappointments. Countless times I had been let down by others before I realized it is not just that they are flakes, but I made an assumption about them. 1 plus 1 equals 2, but not always. A hard lesson to learn and one we all have to confront throughout our lives. I suspect it played a role in my independence at an early age.

3.I used to be quite the perfectionist. I do try my best. Sometimes I tried too hard. If it wasn't just right, it was worthless to me. I've certainly eased up on the intensity of perfection. Nothing is perfect. School, it doesn't mean all that much in the long run. Great papers, they don't add up to much but a great paper that got you a grade. What you learn experientially carries far greater weight. Perhaps my art work still retains some level of perfectionism, but only to me.

4.Don't take it personally. Oh how I struggle, as I'm sure many do, with this thought. Are people susceptible to taking things more personal if they are deeply passionate, deeply committed to the things they do? If they place greater value on friendships does it not stand to reason they would be more affected by things done or said to them? It is a character trait that should always be looked down upon as a great flaw? Does this not generate the sort of genuine love we look for from others? Finding that balance between maintaining the self and not getting hurt is not as simple as "don't take it personal". It is a daily struggle for me. I have made progress in this area for sure. I think practicing yoga and meditation helped me with this. Letting many things roll off my back that had once bothered me was a fantastic improvement. I think a portion of the struggle is not related to my passion but the fear that I may then become hard to the world I love. I don't want to build a wall.

I will continue to learn and grow. Hurting is the less glamorous part of the process. I have learned that people I loved do not love me in return. I have learned that those I held in close regard did not have the same understanding with me. I have learned friends come and go even at the most critical time when we need them most. I have learned I will be replaced by others that are deemed more interesting to be with. I have learned that friendship is a two seat bike meant to be shared and to let go of those who don't put in equal effort. Most of all, I have learned what it is to be me and I love it. I love my light and dark side. I love showing passion toward others. If it is not returned, I must stay strong and continue to be me, the best me I can be, and not take it personally.

Still without power at home so I've been crashing on the air matress at the parental unit dwelling since Saturday. Thursday night I froze in my apartment. Friday morning Ryan and I trudged a mile through the snow and debris with our packs full to spend the night with friends who had power. I was grateful but man that hardwood floor did a number on my body.

My nephew is doing sooooo much better. Once his tongue got snipped he has been all about the cooing and not so much the crying. I'm so glad. We went shopping to get him a few warmer outfits. I got him a cozy long-sleeve onsie that reads "Hi, I'm new here" above a picture of the world. :)

Yesterday was my Gramma's birthday. She never got to see Ryan so Tonia and I took him out with some flowers. He was quiet until the moment we walked in the mausoleum doors, then he chattered away. I think he was introducing himself to his great-grandparents. As soon as we walked out the door, he stopped. I miss my Gramma.

I hope everyone else is dealing best they can with, as we have nicknamed the storm, the "catastrophe". The little guy is in my arms right now and took a big stinky poop so I must go change him. Take care.

I feel like I'm in a dream where I am in a car. I am the passenger and also the driver. I see many obstacles in the road ahead of me but I have no control. I cannot direct the wheels to avoid colliding with objects. I yell but I cannot wake the self that is driving. Lost in time I will step into the darkness once more. There in the comfort of my night, the world cannot see me. It is the only place I truly feel safe.

Ta mo chroise go bron
Oiche' s me liom fein
Speartha dubh go domhain, a choich
Uaigneas mor, go deo, a choich
Taim bronach, buartha' s briste
Nil ann ach an marbh.

It is Gaelic, from an Enya song.
Translation:

My heart is grieving
Night and I am alone
Endless deep black skies
Great loneliness, forever, and ever
I am sad, sorrowful, and broken
Nothing is left except the dead.

Ok, I think this is the most unusual, illegal, out of the blue spam I've ever gotten in my life. I just wanted to share. Ciao.



"Dear Friend,

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd.I have a Secured business suggestion for you.

Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Col. Hosam Hassan who was with the Iraqi forces and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Thirty million United State Dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even
during the war early this year. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that Col.Hosam Hassan and his family had been killed during the war in bomb blast that hit their home.

After further investigation it was also discovered that Col. Hosam Hassan did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the Paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my Bank. So, Thirty million United State Dollar is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration 6 years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.

Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Col. Hosam Hassan so that you will be able to receive his funds.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE ARE:

I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Col.Hosam Hassan , all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job. After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.

There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.

Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you, Should you be interested please send me information's below,

1. Full names and Age
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address.

I will prefer you reach me on my private Email address or Fax it to my private fax machine number below

And finally after that I shall provide you with more details on this transaction. Your earliest response to this letter will be highly appreciated. "

So. Today wraps up a real shitty week in mine and (e:nejifer)'s life. All the drama at school, my bit of drama here...it all culminated in a terrific saturday morning surprise. Jen's car got broken into. In our very own back yard! The perps stole all her cds and whatever change was lying around.

Thenthey used the garage door opener to gain access to the garage. Yup....since we moved the bikes for the party last weekend, they were in the garage. Normally, they are kept in the house for 'safer' keeping. They didn't take her bike, but indeed, LC's new bike was swiped. I just put this cool double wire basket on the rear too! Plus my helmet was out there. Ugh.

I think I'm giving up on owning any type of transportation other than my legs. All my shit breaks and when it's finally working, some dishbag steals it. I'm taking the bus from now on. Happy Saturday.