well i am almost embarrassed to be writing right now. i am weak. weak weak weak. friday nite when i was drunk i smoked 3 cigarettes. saturday nite i smoked a few more. blah. last nite i got so excited over 24 i smoked another.
back to square 1.
last year i befriended a girl about my age here at work. we took to eachother quickly as we were a.) the only ones under 40 and b.) the only females in the department. at the time she was in a rough spot as she was living with an ex among other things. finally i convinced her to get out of the apartment. within a few months she got her own place and her own car. it made me so happy to watch this transformation. i could only imagine how hard this was for her as her entire family is in puerto rico. in this time also i convinced her to get on myspace ( and by 'convinced' i mean begged and pleaded.) she was very skeptical. a few days later a guy (a soldier) sent her a message. he requested her a friend. again - skeptical. she asked me what to do. i told her to go for it. i remember saying - "go for it, he is probably just bored. what is he going to do? he can't rape or murder you from Iraq."
this morning she told me they are getting married !
also - as for the party issue. i gave in. saturday nite at my place. byob. come celebrate the anniversary of my birth 24 years ago.
i just comtemplated for the past 10 minutes whether or not to put my address up. i decided against it. email me if you would like to drop in - the more the merrier.
Jessika's Journal
My Podcast Link
01/16/2006 18:24 #24216
back to square 101/13/2006 15:33 #24215
2 1/2 days and countingokay i am 2 and a half days in.
last nite i almost did not survive. after spot it was so nice out wandering back down elmwood to 1039 with jon simon. he was chain smoking as usual. back at his house i sat in the tiny front room as him, tony and brian all chain smoked around me. i was dying. my hand hovered over the parliments thrown carelessly on the coffee table. but i stopped. i kept thinking of: a.) how chris would punch me in the face if i gave in before him and b.) how after all you gave me such nice advice and encouragment i would have to write today about how i gave in
so i didn't
tonite is going to be so hard. if anyone sees my smoking tonite grab it and burn me with it.
also. with my new sense of smell i noticed on the way to work this morning that my car smells suspicously of piss. this is very odd. i have had no dogs in my car, nor have i peed myself lately. in the past week i have had a lot of drunk people in and out of my car - jon simon, harrington, theresa, marla, dyan..... gross and gross.
this also may have something to do with the keying incident. yes someone keyed my car. i park in my garage...so god knows when and where it happened. i just noticed it yesterday. blah
my birthday is coming up soon and everyone is obsessing about throwing a theme party for it. in all honesty - i don't really want a party. i just want to go out to dinner and go for drinks after. everytime we have a party all i do worry about who is there and not there and people destroying my house. no one seems to be listening to me though when i say i don't want to have a party. i think they think i am being humble. i am not. but now i feel bad because everyone is all riled up about a strip club themed party in my honor. should i just give in and stop being such a stick in the mud?
last nite i almost did not survive. after spot it was so nice out wandering back down elmwood to 1039 with jon simon. he was chain smoking as usual. back at his house i sat in the tiny front room as him, tony and brian all chain smoked around me. i was dying. my hand hovered over the parliments thrown carelessly on the coffee table. but i stopped. i kept thinking of: a.) how chris would punch me in the face if i gave in before him and b.) how after all you gave me such nice advice and encouragment i would have to write today about how i gave in
so i didn't
tonite is going to be so hard. if anyone sees my smoking tonite grab it and burn me with it.
also. with my new sense of smell i noticed on the way to work this morning that my car smells suspicously of piss. this is very odd. i have had no dogs in my car, nor have i peed myself lately. in the past week i have had a lot of drunk people in and out of my car - jon simon, harrington, theresa, marla, dyan..... gross and gross.
this also may have something to do with the keying incident. yes someone keyed my car. i park in my garage...so god knows when and where it happened. i just noticed it yesterday. blah
my birthday is coming up soon and everyone is obsessing about throwing a theme party for it. in all honesty - i don't really want a party. i just want to go out to dinner and go for drinks after. everytime we have a party all i do worry about who is there and not there and people destroying my house. no one seems to be listening to me though when i say i don't want to have a party. i think they think i am being humble. i am not. but now i feel bad because everyone is all riled up about a strip club themed party in my honor. should i just give in and stop being such a stick in the mud?
metalpeter - 01/13/06 19:23
My sugestion would be the next person who says you should have a party you say at your house Yes. If it is for you it shouldn't be at your place, you shouldn't have to do anything. If people want a party for you that bad then they can have it at there place. If no body who brings it up to you is willing to have it at there place then that brings up a lot of other questions. It is your day why should you have trash your place.
My sugestion would be the next person who says you should have a party you say at your house Yes. If it is for you it shouldn't be at your place, you shouldn't have to do anything. If people want a party for you that bad then they can have it at there place. If no body who brings it up to you is willing to have it at there place then that brings up a lot of other questions. It is your day why should you have trash your place.
jim - 01/13/06 19:07
Something that really helped me was getting a few cases of bottled water. I had a case at work and one at home. I'd open a bottle of water when the craving got really bad. I ended up drinking about 6 bottles a day.
It helps to be really well hydrated. Not the least because your body will tend to think all cravings are for cigarettes, so even when you are thirsty you will think you want a cigarette.
Something that really helped me was getting a few cases of bottled water. I had a case at work and one at home. I'd open a bottle of water when the craving got really bad. I ended up drinking about 6 bottles a day.
It helps to be really well hydrated. Not the least because your body will tend to think all cravings are for cigarettes, so even when you are thirsty you will think you want a cigarette.
jim - 01/13/06 19:07
Something that really helped me was getting a few cases of bottled water. I had a case at work and one at home. I'd open a bottle of water when the craving got really bad. I ended up drinking about 6 bottles a day.
It helps to be really well hydrated. Not the least because your body will tend to think all cravings are for cigarettes, so even when you are thirsty you will think you want a cigarette.
Something that really helped me was getting a few cases of bottled water. I had a case at work and one at home. I'd open a bottle of water when the craving got really bad. I ended up drinking about 6 bottles a day.
It helps to be really well hydrated. Not the least because your body will tend to think all cravings are for cigarettes, so even when you are thirsty you will think you want a cigarette.
01/12/2006 18:44 #24214
44 hourssssss44 hours smoke free.
i think i can do this.
this weekend will be the true test. not being at work and running errands - i love to smoke while driving. friday nite drinking. saturday nite in the pink at 3am....i don't know if i am going to make it. blah. the problem is i really don't want to quit. i am not in the mindset. I LOVE smoking. i know i know its gross. but i really do love it. i love smoking luckys and drinking espresso in the summer.
2 badass things happened today.
a.) my little brother called me to say:
"hey, jess - that david bowie guy you were talking about isn't so bad!"
he just turned 13. my other brothers and sisters listen to garbage - so hearing this was music to my ears.
b.) i won $100 to the galleria mall from my work. that means i have $250 to best buy,a $75 american express giftcard and this. i am so excited - i don't have any idea what to get though.
ok to the gym. then spot with jonsimon.
i think i can do this.
this weekend will be the true test. not being at work and running errands - i love to smoke while driving. friday nite drinking. saturday nite in the pink at 3am....i don't know if i am going to make it. blah. the problem is i really don't want to quit. i am not in the mindset. I LOVE smoking. i know i know its gross. but i really do love it. i love smoking luckys and drinking espresso in the summer.
2 badass things happened today.
a.) my little brother called me to say:
"hey, jess - that david bowie guy you were talking about isn't so bad!"
he just turned 13. my other brothers and sisters listen to garbage - so hearing this was music to my ears.
b.) i won $100 to the galleria mall from my work. that means i have $250 to best buy,a $75 american express giftcard and this. i am so excited - i don't have any idea what to get though.
ok to the gym. then spot with jonsimon.
jim - 01/13/06 11:41
Ajay's right, don't listen to that little voice that seems so reasonable. It'll tell you now that you're not a smoker, you can have a smoke every once in a while, or just this once... all lies!
Ajay's right, don't listen to that little voice that seems so reasonable. It'll tell you now that you're not a smoker, you can have a smoke every once in a while, or just this once... all lies!
ajay - 01/13/06 00:57
Watch out for the false sense of security. There'll come a time when you'll get this urge to take _just_ one drag... you'll think: I've been smoke-free for X weeks; I've quit; it's OK. NOT!! That's when you get sucked right back in.
Also, take up some physical activity (jogging, swimming, etc.). All the smokers who I know have quit successfully were active physically after quitting. Worked for them.
Watch out for the false sense of security. There'll come a time when you'll get this urge to take _just_ one drag... you'll think: I've been smoke-free for X weeks; I've quit; it's OK. NOT!! That's when you get sucked right back in.
Also, take up some physical activity (jogging, swimming, etc.). All the smokers who I know have quit successfully were active physically after quitting. Worked for them.
jim - 01/12/06 20:38
I quit smoking this year. I loved to smoke. But, I knew that I had to quit. The first week is hell. I'm so glad I did though. Smoking was always so intrinsic to my identity, but now it's hard to believe that I used to smoke. 9 months later, I feel so much better. Try to stick with it!
I quit smoking this year. I loved to smoke. But, I knew that I had to quit. The first week is hell. I'm so glad I did though. Smoking was always so intrinsic to my identity, but now it's hard to believe that I used to smoke. 9 months later, I feel so much better. Try to stick with it!
paul - 01/12/06 20:29
I havcen't had one since the Monday beofre last. i think it is a new years miracle.
I havcen't had one since the Monday beofre last. i think it is a new years miracle.
leetee - 01/12/06 20:25
Congrats on the first 44 hours.
I used to looove smoking too. It has been 11 months, minus 6 days for me so far... but who's counting?
Good Luck with this weekend! Be strong. Think about all the things you can buy with the money you used to spend on cigs!?!?!
Congrats on the first 44 hours.
I used to looove smoking too. It has been 11 months, minus 6 days for me so far... but who's counting?
Good Luck with this weekend! Be strong. Think about all the things you can buy with the money you used to spend on cigs!?!?!
01/08/2006 17:12 #24213
kiss every comma in your checklisti really think i am going through a quarter life crisis. more so i think i am just bored. i don't know maybe i am just listening to too much Pavement and reading too much Edward Abbey.
i think i am going to quit my job. i am bored. really really bored. to the point of going crazy. i know this is probably something that every single 20 something goes through at some point. but i think i have made a grave mistake in getting the degree i did. i am losing it.
i took the first step friday though and set up an appointment with an advisor at Erie County boces. i am going to go back to be a teacher. there apparently is a new law in which if you teach Math or Science at an Elementary level in a "high need" area they will pay for your masters. i'm in.
everyone thinks i am going into it naive -and on a whim. this is something i have been wanting for a very long time. i was comfortable with what i was doing and where i was in school and whatnot. i was in a groove. groove over - i can't take it.
scott asked me last nite at the pink if i was ok - insinuating i was depressed. apparently he had stumbled across me on here and drawn the conclusion by reading it i was upset. i am fine. i hope i don't come across on here as a crybaby.... i tend to use this to vent. sorry
13 hours cigarette free
i think i am going to quit my job. i am bored. really really bored. to the point of going crazy. i know this is probably something that every single 20 something goes through at some point. but i think i have made a grave mistake in getting the degree i did. i am losing it.
i took the first step friday though and set up an appointment with an advisor at Erie County boces. i am going to go back to be a teacher. there apparently is a new law in which if you teach Math or Science at an Elementary level in a "high need" area they will pay for your masters. i'm in.
everyone thinks i am going into it naive -and on a whim. this is something i have been wanting for a very long time. i was comfortable with what i was doing and where i was in school and whatnot. i was in a groove. groove over - i can't take it.
scott asked me last nite at the pink if i was ok - insinuating i was depressed. apparently he had stumbled across me on here and drawn the conclusion by reading it i was upset. i am fine. i hope i don't come across on here as a crybaby.... i tend to use this to vent. sorry
13 hours cigarette free
theecarey - 01/08/06 20:31
yes, many 20 somethings get to a point where they question or compare where they are at in relation to societal expectations. Ok, so I dont limit it to the 20s, but thats the first real point of crisis it seems.
If you are able to take care of your current responsibilities, then why not find something more stimulating? If you get bored easy, then this a part of you that won't change. So any next developmental step (ie; degree,job) should reflect that.
With teaching, your students change every years, you have a ton of time off (for pursuing things that dont bore you) and the work day is never routine.
Oddly, a friend of mine zipped out to California with his Bachelors to start teaching (BA English, if I recall) and they paid for his Masters. I didnt know that held true for around here as well. Interesting..
yes, many 20 somethings get to a point where they question or compare where they are at in relation to societal expectations. Ok, so I dont limit it to the 20s, but thats the first real point of crisis it seems.
If you are able to take care of your current responsibilities, then why not find something more stimulating? If you get bored easy, then this a part of you that won't change. So any next developmental step (ie; degree,job) should reflect that.
With teaching, your students change every years, you have a ton of time off (for pursuing things that dont bore you) and the work day is never routine.
Oddly, a friend of mine zipped out to California with his Bachelors to start teaching (BA English, if I recall) and they paid for his Masters. I didnt know that held true for around here as well. Interesting..
01/03/2006 18:57 #24212
2005i have been inspired by (e:theecarey). even tho (e:ladycroft) and her think they are curter and cuter then i :)
my favorite moments from 2005
-my 23rd birthday weekend at sundowners
-random indian dance parties with theresa at level
-camping at rhubarb with the boys
-anything but clothes party
-wilco at the knox
-going to spain and tangiers because i felt like it
-the very first time keith called me saying "get in the goddam pool" (thus the beginning of a long summer of pool parties)
-eating 500 boston hotel clams and then getting yelled at at anderson's an hour later for being too fucked up to get a sundae
-each time i have used my bills/sabres seasons (and exposing marla and rachel to the bills army)
-the day i realized i have some pretty goddam good friends
-seeing arcade fire at Vegoose!
my least favorite moments from 2005:
-ruining a good friendship with a failed relationship
-getting poison oak after passing out in the parking lot of the tom petty concert
-when my fake tooth fell out at my cousins graduation dinner
-getting pre evening booty called
-getting in a fight at the pink
-witnessing an attempted murder by dried starfish
-the day i got a flat tire and a cell phone ticket in one
-the day i realized i needed those pretty goddam good friends and couldn't do it on my own
Did you keep your New Year resolutions of 2005?
-um still smoking
Did you fall in love in 2005?
-blah can we skip the love question for now? especially after this weekend...
Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
yes
Did you make any new friends in 2005?
yes - lots!
What was your favorite month of 2005?
definitely july. july was a great month.
Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
spain, morocco and canada too!
How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
a few?
Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yea. a lot.
What was your favorite song from 2005?
ooo this is hard. i was unnaturally obsessed with both "beast of burden" and "yoshimi battles the pink robots." seriously - to the point it was almost weird. like listening on repeat continuously for months. and singing karaoke to them on a weekly basis.
What was your favorite album from 2005?
tie between the new pornographers (twin cinema) and the new fiona apple too. the new eels was sweet too.
Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
ah yes.
Did you do drugs in 2005?
um, a few?
Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
obviously. this includes:
-making out at the bar like i was a freshman
-falling asleep in my car naked
-being really really bad with my money this year
-backing into my house by mistake (i have a very narrow driveway!)
What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
-hmmmmm. i was told i look hot in zubaz pants?
Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
-i may have called dyan a firecrotch one too many times
Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
-yea
What was your proudest moments of 2005?
-defending katies honor by getting in that fight in the pink
-finally sticking up for myself in a lot of situations i let go too far!
-getting a promotion
-figuring out how to configure UPS systems at work
What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
-probably walking home naked minus a dairy queen napkin from elmwood
If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
-not have taken this semester off from school
What are your plans for 2006?
-quit smoking
-go back to grad school
-go back to the gym
-start sporting more fanny packs
-get my sister to break up with her old man baby's daddy boyfriend
-stop drinking so much PBR
-stop going out assholes
-start cooking more
-take a dreamweaver class
-take samba lessons
-start a non "LOL" movement
-get back into photography
-beat my brother in bubble puck
-write a essay on the New Buffalo BiSexual movement i have uncovered and my feelings on it
-save some money
-change something BIG in my life. i don't know what yet. but i need to figure it out.
hey i am ambitious this year....
my favorite moments from 2005
-my 23rd birthday weekend at sundowners
-random indian dance parties with theresa at level
-camping at rhubarb with the boys
-anything but clothes party
-wilco at the knox
-going to spain and tangiers because i felt like it
-the very first time keith called me saying "get in the goddam pool" (thus the beginning of a long summer of pool parties)
-eating 500 boston hotel clams and then getting yelled at at anderson's an hour later for being too fucked up to get a sundae
-each time i have used my bills/sabres seasons (and exposing marla and rachel to the bills army)
-the day i realized i have some pretty goddam good friends
-seeing arcade fire at Vegoose!
my least favorite moments from 2005:
-ruining a good friendship with a failed relationship
-getting poison oak after passing out in the parking lot of the tom petty concert
-when my fake tooth fell out at my cousins graduation dinner
-getting pre evening booty called
-getting in a fight at the pink
-witnessing an attempted murder by dried starfish
-the day i got a flat tire and a cell phone ticket in one
-the day i realized i needed those pretty goddam good friends and couldn't do it on my own
Did you keep your New Year resolutions of 2005?
-um still smoking
Did you fall in love in 2005?
-blah can we skip the love question for now? especially after this weekend...
Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
yes
Did you make any new friends in 2005?
yes - lots!
What was your favorite month of 2005?
definitely july. july was a great month.
Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
spain, morocco and canada too!
How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
a few?
Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yea. a lot.
What was your favorite song from 2005?
ooo this is hard. i was unnaturally obsessed with both "beast of burden" and "yoshimi battles the pink robots." seriously - to the point it was almost weird. like listening on repeat continuously for months. and singing karaoke to them on a weekly basis.
What was your favorite album from 2005?
tie between the new pornographers (twin cinema) and the new fiona apple too. the new eels was sweet too.
Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
ah yes.
Did you do drugs in 2005?
um, a few?
Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
obviously. this includes:
-making out at the bar like i was a freshman
-falling asleep in my car naked
-being really really bad with my money this year
-backing into my house by mistake (i have a very narrow driveway!)
What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
-hmmmmm. i was told i look hot in zubaz pants?
Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
-i may have called dyan a firecrotch one too many times
Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
-yea
What was your proudest moments of 2005?
-defending katies honor by getting in that fight in the pink
-finally sticking up for myself in a lot of situations i let go too far!
-getting a promotion
-figuring out how to configure UPS systems at work
What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
-probably walking home naked minus a dairy queen napkin from elmwood
If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
-not have taken this semester off from school
What are your plans for 2006?
-quit smoking
-go back to grad school
-go back to the gym
-start sporting more fanny packs
-get my sister to break up with her old man baby's daddy boyfriend
-stop drinking so much PBR
-stop going out assholes
-start cooking more
-take a dreamweaver class
-take samba lessons
-start a non "LOL" movement
-get back into photography
-beat my brother in bubble puck
-write a essay on the New Buffalo BiSexual movement i have uncovered and my feelings on it
-save some money
-change something BIG in my life. i don't know what yet. but i need to figure it out.
hey i am ambitious this year....
sbrugger - 01/04/06 10:28
Wow...you spend time at the 'downer?
very very very interesting....
Oh...and LOL... :P
Wow...you spend time at the 'downer?
very very very interesting....
Oh...and LOL... :P
metalpeter - 01/03/06 19:58
Well if they where Bills Zubaz then that is ok. All I can say is wow (I have never been to the sundowner) you like the sundowner, Bills, sabres, where naked in your car and walked home naked, I gotta hang out with you
:-) :-) , Now my year sounds so much more lamer then it allready was. I hope the new year is a good one.
Well if they where Bills Zubaz then that is ok. All I can say is wow (I have never been to the sundowner) you like the sundowner, Bills, sabres, where naked in your car and walked home naked, I gotta hang out with you
:-) :-) , Now my year sounds so much more lamer then it allready was. I hope the new year is a good one.
theecarey - 01/03/06 19:48
Zubaz.
What were you doing in Zubaz??
A new look for '06
Your zubaz, the fanny pack and a dairy queen napkin sticking out of the back waistband.
(while doing the samba)
I see it now..
LOL LOL LOL (ok, that just had to be done)
Zubaz.
What were you doing in Zubaz??
- shakes head*
A new look for '06
Your zubaz, the fanny pack and a dairy queen napkin sticking out of the back waistband.
(while doing the samba)
I see it now..
LOL LOL LOL (ok, that just had to be done)
i actually STARTED smoking in montreal. it's pretty neat. i think i'm going to keep w/ it.
i nixed the theme. plus they could not figure out how to construct a stripper pole in my living room.
and no there are no cats - if you come paul i will put your name on my birthday cake.
Hey its my birthday too and you are also alergic to cats right? So that means you don't have any?
wow, you have had quite the influence in the course of this girls life.
Hang in there..All of my friends have had a few rough starts in the process to quit smoking. How many were you smoking on average per day? If the three that you had was a major decrease in comparison, then you should consider that progress. Don't let a few "weak" moments alter your goal..
You mentioned before that your friends wanted to do a theme? Is that still a go?