Ok.
I did it.
He's gone.
Deleted.
Done.

Hardest thing I've done in a long time.
I'm scared to death.

And I haven't cried this hard in a long time.
But I don't need that shit in my life.

So I'm going to bed now.

But I will probably need some drinks later.

Bye.

I love when boys are adorable...
One of my friends at work is getting ready to propose to his GF. he's so cute, she's so cute... he's so nervous and in love. And I feel so lucky to be part of the secret plan (i have to provide some cover and some transportation.) Aww...
And my med student is so cute too. Well one of them- the other one makes me nuts. But stud #1 is first of all married. and devoted and talks about his wife all the time. but beyond that is just nice and funny and eager... always offering to help, "what can i do how can i help", but not in a kiss-ass way. So sincere... and just a nice guy. the other day held a door for me, and did that 'put his hand gently behind me/on my back to 'guide' me through the door' thing (hard to explain but I hope you know what i mean)- i dunno, just seemed sweet. and I'm not especially attracted to him, but i did feel a little zing with even that little touch. But anyway so tonight we were running around like crazy and he offered to be in charge of ordering dinner. (god I ate so much tzatziki! yum.) But so he picked it up and took it upstairs and paged me to say it was ready. i had to finish a few things, and when I got there he'd set up a little place with paper towels from the bathroom as a napkin, and a little mini soda from the patient kitchen. the only cups they had are like 2 oz- they're ridiculous little shotglass paper cups. so i went in and he had my food laid out with my 'napkins' and the soda poured into four little mini-cups with ice. i dunno... it was just so kind. and nice to be reminded that there are still some nice guys out there (even if they're married).
A+ for stud #1!! hah.

I think (e:Jason) may be onto something with his V:Day idea. maybe a party is called for. but not a stupid 'we hate vday and are bitter' party- just a plain old party. but let the girls get all dolled up... that would be fun. i'm not really a girly-girl, which makes it all the more fun to wear a great dress and get all made up once in a while, maybe even dig out the hair dryer...

totally random, but a bit for any other tv geeks out there- just got this link from my dad; must say i'm pretty psyched.

i feel like i had more to say, but my mind is in an annoying caffeine-racing state.
And as my mom always said 'if you can't remember it, it was either a lie or not important.' (or maybe just boring.)

So I think I will adjourn.

Baci e Abbracci,
Alessia

God, what a dreary, ugly, depressing day it is out there.
I think I will take a lesson from (e:jason) and hibernate for a while.
(i wish).

But so I just got my gas bill. I used TWICE what I used last january. How is that?
Yes I keep my apt very warm. (I hate being cold, and I'm willing to pay for it.) But i haven't really turned the thermostat up since last winter. I was out of town for a week last january, but that can't be it.
But I did start using my electric blanket this year. It's just so damn cozy. I turn it on for a while before getting in bed so the sheets are warm. Could that be it?? Anyone know if they use much electricity?

And while I'm yelling about bills, WTF is up with adelphia raising rates, AGAIN?? Grr. I've never seen anyone pay as much for cable as I do.

But on a good note, work crush #2 has switched hospitals, and is on my team now. Ah, the hotness. However, he has totally pissed me off since he is flaking on a proposed schedule change, and kind of screwing me over. It sucks. I am pissed at him for that. Makes me a little less enamored. For the moment. haha. I'm sure I will be back to swooning as soon as we make it through our big exam and I don't have to be so pissy about the schedule.

so while i'm whining...

Ex-boyfriend has got to go. "But wait" you say, "you said that a month ago!" (e:jenks,19) Indeed I did, gentle reader. (I'm impressed you were paying attention.) But I caved. But this time I mean it. He has proven over and over that he doesn't give a shit about me (i mean really, he dumped my ass, what other hints do I need??), so why is it so hard to let him go? The only thing left to do is delete him from my phone. But I can't quite do it. Yet. Part of me knows that never talking to him again is what I need to do. But part of me fears that more than anything in the world. he was (is) such a huge part of my life in buffalo.

Ugh. I'm sorry.
I had made a pseudo-promise to myself to stop whining to you all about my ex. I hate sounding this pathetic. (I also promised to stop bitching about work, actually just to stop bitching so much in general, but that hasn't happened either. ha!)

Man I hate studying.

sigh.

what a ball of negative energy i am. man. I need something fun to happen.
Two weeks..... then the test is done, and I can procrastinate to my heart's desire without having to feel guilty about it. can't wait.

later peeps.

Well, it seems the ante has been upped.

So... Work is still tiring. And long and hard (unlike other parts of my life- har har). Today I did 8 operations. Some lifesaving, some not. But I got out at a reasonable hour. Came home, indulged in some chocolate, had a nice long chat with girlfriends... Watched lost... ahh, simple pleasures. Again I didn't study, which is contributing to my guilt-ulcer, but eh, I'll deal with that later.

But so operating today, plus my current drama, plus girl chat, plus talk of stripclubs got me thinking...
about what? What else do girls talk about. penises. duh.

Guys- just so you know, if you are in any significant (or sometimes insignificant) trauma and are taken to ECMC (or anywhere for that matter)- there is a very high chance you will have your clothes cut off. All of them. And a pretty good chance you will have a foley (urinary) catheter placed. Into your bladder, via your penis. This is a routine, minor task, often delegated the med student. In front of a few nurses and maybe even female surgical residents like yours truly. But the rectal exam is too advanced for students, so I get that job. So while I am of course the consummate professional, I usually have to check out your package. And for the record- what they say about black guys is true, in general.

But so the boring-routine-workday part of the story...
We (surgeons) fix hernias. A lot of them. Every day. Umbilical hernias, incisional hernias, and mostly inguinal (groin) hernias. Obviously to do this we have to expose your groin. And we have to make sure it's not just clean, but sterile. [which brings me to a random tangent PSA- please clean out your bellybutton lint before elective laparascopic surgery, or else we will have to.] So after you are put to sleep, we will take your gown off. And then we will scrub the whole area with betadine. then we cover most of you back up, except a little sterile square where we will work. Then we go about our business and fix your hernia. When we are done, we clean up our mess. Which includes scrubbing off the excess betadine. Now like I said, you are asleep through this. And we are professionals and do it day in and day out.
But as the most junior person in the OR (usually), I end up with the clean-up task.
And i swear, every time the moment comes that I have your dick in one hand, holding it up out of the way, scrubbing the betadine off your balls- you wake up.
The guy always wakes up with me scrubbing his junk. Lovely. Maybe it's just the cold water that does it, but I think the anesthesiologists just like to embarrass me and time it that way on purpose. Fortunately the amnesiac effect lasts a little longer, and I don't think you remember this. I can only remember a guy getting hard on me once. Not sure if that's a commentary on the anesthesia, or how I look in scrubs and a mask.

But once I did a varicose vein case- and the guy didn't want general anesthesia. Fine, reasonable choice. But that means he's pretty awake. And we had to prep his ENTIRE leg with betadine. Up into his groin. Again, the job falls to me. start with his foot, calf, knee, all fine. But eventually i have to move higher- and I end up with his foot on my shoulder, while I scrub his crotch, while he is awake. All I could think was "poor guy, bet you wish you were asleep now."

And how perfect- as I typed that the Ying Yang twins came on. "wait'll you see my dick. beat the puss up, beat the puss up."

I don't have anything to add about the ex today. It still all sucks. Nuff said.
But haha, the song switched and now I have SNZ- "when you lose the one you love, there's always plenty more!" I think it's a sign.

I don't really have anything political to contribute either.
Well here's something- Ray Nagin (mayor of new orleans) is a jackass for this "chocolate city" crap, and then trying to backpedal and say "well how do you make chocolate? dark chocolate plus white milk! that's what I meant". dumb-ass.

And I haven't bought any custom or designer clothes in a long time. Though I did find a fantastic grey silk strapless dress over christmas. It's hot. I just need somewhere to wear it.

But the bottom line is- I post because it feels good to write. I don't consider myself a writer, and while I have been accused of having a wit, I don't really try to be entertaining. I write for me. And if people like reading it, well then great. But if you don't like it, if I'm too boring, it won't break my heart if you pass me by...

G'night peeps!

Good "morning" peeps.
I cannot think of a better way to spend my first day off in two weeks than sleeping til 11. I loooooove sleeping. Don't really love that the day is half over when I get up, but that's ok. And considering that I usually get up around 4, this was a huge sleep-in.

And I probably would still be asleep if I hadn't been awakened by an icky dream... I was trying to get a puppy for my brother. And I started out in some weird industrial looking place (prison? high school basement?) with white painted cinder block walls and buzzing fluorescent lights, being led around by some sketchy toothless guy who was telling me he didn't think he had what I wanted. But then he took me outside- it was like a habitrail [remember those hamster cages?] for puppies. Multiple little areas connected by tubes, etc. And there was The Cutest little white bulldog puppy frolicking around... [i (well my parents) have a white bulldog in real life]. He was sliding down the slide and squeezing through the tubes... So cute. I was running around trying to take pictures. Then he jumped in the little 'pond' to go for a swim. he was paddling around (cutely), then went underwater. I didn't think twice, figured he was diving for something. [give me a break, it was a dream]. Then he was gone a while, and i noticed this trail of bubbles coming from the bottom and i got a little nervous... then all of the sudden the water cleared and i could see the bottom- no more bubbles, and just a little piece of white hide laying on the bottom.
He had been eaten by an alligator.
What the fuck.
Why do I have to have a dream like that???

But so now it's sunday... Time to figure out which lazy way to spend my day. I really should get to studying, but I want a little relaxation time first. So many choices.... drink coffee and read the paper in my yummy cashmere robe? Bubble bath? Big breakfast? Watch a movie? All of the above??

So I met another peepette last night... I had dinner and a nice long coffee at spot (under some strange cold-wind-blowing fan) with (e:ladycroft), (e:theecarey) and (e:pyrcedgrrl). It was a pleasant, well-behaved way to spend a cold evening. Despite our weird waiter who kept trying to join our conversation- at one point he called himself a lesbian (because he loves women!), tried to convince us that nascar is great, and somehow mentioned herpes. Hmm.
But it was strange out last night... the streets were empty, no one was around... I mean I know it went from like 60 to -60 overnight, but this is Buffalo- aren't you (we?) used to that yet??

So now I'm off to try to find my favorite earring. It was poking me in the cheek on my way home from spot, and was missing when I got ready for bed, so I'm hope hope hoping that it's in my car, or maybe the driveway. ((e:ladycroft), keep an eye out for a silver flower with little dangly pearls. Maybe it jumped onto you.)

Oh, and you can all thank me for bumping the student loan total over the million dollar mark. How depressing. I consolidated last year, so now it's just one humongous loan. It's so much money it's like monopoly money to me. I just can't even fathom owing that much money to someone. (it's just shy of $200K.) But until the deferment paperwork went through after consolidating, I was technically in repayment, so I got a bill and a payment schedule- I owe $432/month. Until 2035. Except I'm not paying yet, so it's going to take even longer. I just have to hope that someday this 30+ years of school/training will pay off.

Well on that lovely note, I hope you all have a wonderful sunday.

-J