My zen thought for tonight isn't very zen: Shut the damn car alarm off after the first two minutes. No one is doing anything about it anyway.

I added my indebtedness to the loan calculator. It's artificially low though because it represents only the first year of medical education being offered in sunny Buffalo. It will be at least 100,000 by the time I'm done (some of my financial aid is going down). It's crazy that I don't have loans from undergrad but I had SO much financial aide and worked enough to do it without borrowing. Partly that was because the loan system intimidated me and I didn't figure it out, but who's counting?

I haven't decided which direction to go in my venture to meet new people but I have been thinking a lot about how I approach other people. It seems rediculous to have gotten to this point in life and still be so surprised by some of the realizations I have. Sometimes I feel like I figure things out. That by thinking or not actively thinking but processing subconsciously I can follow an idea and explore my motivations or actions or feelings etc. Other times it feels like I just wake up knowing something that I'd never seen before even though it has been there all along.

I have never thought of myself as a person with pride. That sounds silly because obviously (or maybe not so) I am proud of my accomplishments and of my work blahblahblah... It's not that kind of pride. It's more like an aura of sense of self. Anyhow, I discovered this aura trying to discern the motivation for a couple of dumb-ass moves I've made in the last few weeks. What I came up with is that I was angry because my pride had been injured and that aided me making decisions in a somewhat less than rational way.

So, my Zen Thought For The Day is this: Pride is a deadly sin because it can inspire you do idiotic things.

In light of my comments yesterday, this horoscope is ridiculous.

"Fortresses don't just keep enemies at bay, they deter friendly, casual visitors, too. Emotional barriers may protect us from those who seek to manipulate our feelings, but they also prevent us from reaching out fully to the people we love and trust. We have to be careful in life about where we draw our lines and how thickly we draw them. It is ultimately better to remain a little vulnerable, than to become so strong that we lose all sensitivity. Don't reject more than you really need to today. "

From Cainer.com

I've always enjoyed trying new things. Lately that has meant trying new ways of meeting people and a new approach to "dating" or finding a hook up or getting some ass or whatever one wants to call it. There are a couple reasons for this exploration. First of all, I don't know very many people in Buffalo outside my classmates and I'm a little bored and a little lonely. Secondly the old ways didn't seem to work very well (obviously, why else am I single??). Like everyone else out there I've been burned and I'm not particularly keen on repeating the experiences. Also it seems like people who hang out on the less conservative side of the dating/sex/hook up tracks have more fun.

(What I really need here is a definition. What the hell am I talking about anyway? Usually I have decided that I wanted a "relationship" and gone out looking for prince charming. I guess I didn't kiss the right frogs during those phases. So with some consideration I decided that I'm not really looking for a relationship. I want to meet new people with whom to hang out and have fun. Hopefully during that process someone will be interested in a little hooking up. I'm not after sex per se; I don't really enjoy sex with people I don't trust and know well. I could use a baseball analogy here but I think (e:peeps) are pretty quick. Also, I don't want to hook up with just anyone...)

The problem with this exploration crap is that I'm not very good at it. I have pretty much made an ass of myself. Maybe it's because I'm not used to keeping it casual (since I'm usually a relationship kind of girl) and I'm not sure how to tell what people want from me. Oh well. Now I just have to decide to venture on with the new me or suck it up and recognize that I may botch up nice friendships by trying to act in an unfamiliar way. Of course it might not be me. Maybe it's them. Hah!