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Start Date 2009-06-23 16:26:43 |Words 18,810 |Comments 4 |Entries 44 |Images 49 |

07/01/09 11:56 - 67.ºF - ID#49155

Scientology Saved My Existance

Scientology has helped me a tremendous deal and I don't care what anyone says, it works.


I feel everyone has a defining moment somewhere in life. Whether it be achieving a 3.0 grade point average, or being the most valuable player on a basketball team. It seems that no matter how great or small this event may seem to the rest of the world, it means everything to the person experiencing it. Sometimes the moment is happy such as the first examples.

Here is my story and involvement in the church of scientology.

What is Scientology you may ask?

The word Scientology literally means "the study of truth." It comes from the Latin word "scio" meaning "knowing in the fullest sense of the word" and the Greek word "logos" meaning "study of."

About What the Church Does

Scientology is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life. The Scientology religion comprises a body of knowledge extending from certain fundamental truths. Prime among these:

Man is an immortal, spiritual being. His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime. His capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized - and those capabilities can be realized. He is able to not only solve his own problems, accomplish his goals and gain lasting happiness, but also achieve new, higher states of awareness and ability.

In Scientology no one is asked to accept anything as belief or on faith. That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true. An individual discovers for himself that Scientology works by personally applying its principles and observing or experiencing results.

While walking one night alone down the streets of Toronto I was approached by a nice woman who offered me a "stress test" I happily went inside and was amazed at how accurate and true the things she was speaking of were.

I ended up purchasing some books, one was called Dianetics, by L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics is a set of ideas and practices regarding the relationship between the spirit, mind and body that were developed by author L. Ron Hubbard. According to Hubbard's claims, mental and psychosomatic physical problems are caused by traumatic recordings called engrams that are stored in the reactive mind. The goal of Dianetics is to become rid (or "cleared") of this portion of one's mind. Once at this state of "Clear," according to Hubbard, an individual becomes able to function at his or her full potential.

I ended up leaving the office and by chance I forgot my Rolex Watch, the man quickly ran outside and after me to return it, this goes to show how much character these people have and how helpful and honest they were.

It really bothers me to hear constantly that untrue rumors that the "church is a cult" and "its nothing but mind control" Let me tell you all something, I have experianced only good from going to the church and it has changed my life for the better. I have noone, no family or friends who I am able to trust and the church acts like my family everytime I go there.

I know that life is short. I realize that people often feel helpless because of how many aspects of life are out of our control. Death is something scientists continually try to control, understand, and overcome, and yet still all we can do is prevent it on some occasions for a short while. I grant you that life is unpredictable, and events in our lives are not dealt evenly from one person to the next. However, I believe that there are certain characteristics that abide in all of us. What we do with these characteristics depends on us. People chose how environments affect them. Once again it is understandable that it may be easier for some to "look on the bright side of life" and "keep their chin up" than it is for others. However, we all have the choice to move on, to "keep on keeping on", and on the other hand we all have the choice to give up and let any number of bad experiences be the "last straw" and keep us down for good.

I have gone through so much in my life and after reading the books I realized that life gets better and not worse. Tom Cruise is onr of my idols, I have always admired him for his charity work and personal lifestyle. He helps everyone and anyone whenever he is able to. When I was a boy I wished every night that he would adopt me. Even my girlfriend when I was a teenage knew how much I respected him, I have followed his career from the beginning. It makes me hurt inside when people say negative things about this good man and the church, who have both helped so many. Sometimes life "kicks us when we're down", and sometimes it elevates us to the highest heights we could ever imagine. The key to living a balanced life is to remember our low points in our highest peaks of joy so we can truly enjoy our brief time in the spotlight. And vice versa we need to remember how great our highpoints have been in our lowest times to realize that life has not been completely unfair to us, and to realize our whole life has not been miserable. Obviously this is not the only thing you will need to keep a level head in life, but it is definitely a starting point.

Who Is L. Ron Hubbard L. Ron Hubbard is the founder of Scientology. He has described his philosophies in more than 5,000 writings, including dozens of books, and three thousand tape recorded lectures. Those who regularly employ his teachings to improve themselves and help their fellows come from all walks of life. The universal acclaim for the man - including thousands of awards and recognitions from individuals and groups and the unprecedented popularity of his works among all people - is but one indicator of the effectiveness of his technologies. More importantly, there are millions of people around the world who consider they have no greater friend.

Imagine you are at the highest point in your life. You have political power, no enemies that can threaten you. Imagine you lack nothing. Imagine you have all the money you will ever need, and you have all the food you could ask for. Imagine that no one can physically hurt you. Imagine you constantly give money to those who are less fortunate. Constantly you volunteer your time and money to feed the homeless. You have spent your whole life helping others, and your whole life those people you are trying to help mock you for your power. They despise your for your perfect life. They use your name only among strings of curse words and in insults. Think of the heartache you feel as you consistently find the people you have dedicated your life to helping, cursing your name. Feel the tears welling up as you see the hatred in the hearts of the people you have shown your love towards since as long as you can remember. Now imagine that you have are given a chance to help all of these people with one act. You can give them all a chance to better themselves and each other by doing just one thing. You have to give up all you possess, all that makes your life better than theirs, and live among them, only to die a horrible death at the hands of those you are helping.

Well having noone I am able to trust is hard, but still id risk my life to save or help the ones I love. Scientology changed how I think and ofcoarse in the past I have done wrong things, who has not? But I have learned from my mistakes and gained from my negative experiances. Everything happens for a reason I believe and I am now a stronger person from having gone through so much. Tom Crusie was my inspiration. I thank him for that. I did not want my past to dictate my future. My main goal in life is to help others and to make myself happy by becomming a model and actor and I have been doing a great job so far of schieving this.

Would you be willing to do this? Would you give up an essentially perfect life just to help your fellow man? Would you be willing to be tortured, beaten, spat upon, despised and cursed to your face, just to help your brothers? I doubt that any of you could say you would be willing to do this for everyone. Perhaps you could give up all you have and sacrifice yourself for a few people, because of your love for them. You might be willing to die for your family, your children, your parents, your friends, or your girlfriends or boyfriends. So now think about this. What about the bully who beat you up in middle school? What about the guy who cut you off on the freeway last week and flipped you off because he was in a hurry? What about Timothy McVey? What about Jeffery Domer? What about the child molesters, the rapists, the murderers, the thieves, the backstabbers, the gossipers and the liars? Would you give up your life for them? Would you walk into Jeffery Domers house, knowing that he would kill you in a horrible torturous manner, if it meant that he would have a chance to improve his life? I doubt you can say yes. If you still feel you can say yes, think of this, even if you go through with all of this, it does not necessarily mean that the people you are dying for will chose to better their lives. They may continue to curse your name; they may continue to live in the meaningless fashion they have always lived in instead of taking the chance you provide for them through your sacrifice. Can you still go through with it?

It seems to me that if you want to feel sorry for yourself, and all the problems you go through undeservingly, that you need to read your bible a bit more, you need to understand the persecution that Jesus went through to protect you from yourself. He did nothing to deserve punishment. However he took a more brutal punishment in life than most of us will ever know. He gave up everything we could ever dream of to save the murderer, the thief, and you. How can you sit around being indifferent to anyone who would do so much for you? If your friend gave you fifty bucks for your birthday you would be quick to thank him and be sure to remember him on his birthday. If your brother gave you the car for your big date of Friday night you would probably be eager to make a sacrifice for him next time you had the chance. And yet many people sitting here this very moment don't take time on a regular basis to remember Jesus who did an infinitely greater thing for each and every one of you. Each of us should be taking time daily to thank God for what was done for us, each of us should live each day remembering that no matter how difficult our lives get that Jesus went through equal or worse than we go through, and that no matter how great our lives get, that Jesus gave up more than that to help us. Remembering this should be more than enough to get us over the point where our highpoint fades back into everyday life, or into disaster. Please don't misunderstand me to be preaching that I am spending my life doing all these things I say you should be doing. I don't spend nearly enough time doing what I should. This lesson applies to me just as much as it applies to every one of you. I don't claim to be perfect, "all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God." All I am hoping to achieve here is to help you all relate to a portion of what Jesus did for you, and to remind you why you put up with the pains of life to do his will. I want to remind you all why you are going through life giving up some of the physical pleasures you could be enjoying if it weren't "wrong". I hope that perhaps any one of you sitting here who has not been saved will realize what you need to do, and to be compelled to show your appreciation to the one who gave up everything for you.

I enjoy helping people, It makes me happy, If I can bring a smile to one persons face then I know I have done my job well. Through modelling and acting I can express myself and IT makes ME happy and fullfilled when I am able to live my dream.

I just have to set the record straight befroe I go, to all of you who claime to have been "cheated" by the church, that is your opinion and you have the right to make that claim, but to all of you who don't even know anything about the church, how can you make fun of it? is that not making you a hypocrite?

Bottom line is, don't knock it until you try it.





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07/01/09 11:52 - 67.ºF - ID#49154

Someone Sent Me This... So Cute

LOVE
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Choose--Me or your life
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life!



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07/01/09 11:49 - 67.ºF - ID#49153

Sleep Walking

Sleep Walking
Ever since I was a teenage I have been sleepwalking. One time when I was 15 I slept walked out of my apartment and walked into the hallway and then the stairwell of my apartment and was walking up towards the roof then I just relized where I was and awoke. It was terrifying.... what would have happened if I had of actually got to the roof?



Just last week in my hotel, I was sleeping and woke up in the elivator? Is this normal? Does anyone know?

Alot of the time I wake up and can't breath and find myself gasping for air? Like im chocking and my throat closes up. I believe I have sleep apnia.

Most of the time I wake up in my bed but sometimes im asleep in different locations....

I wonder what I do that i DONT remember.




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07/01/09 11:48 - 67.ºF - ID#49152

My Letter To A Moron






I feel bad for you that you feel that way.Im not going to try and explaine myself to you or justify my past. It is my belief that when someone calls me a "friend" that they actually mean it. When im your friend im your friend for life, through thick and thin and through ups and downs no matter what anyone says. I am blessed that everyone I keep in my close circle I can actually call friends, I have been blessed with true friends. Who don't judge me and believe whats written about me.

I am very disappointed in you that you jumped to conclusions and wrote me that letter, I so did not appreciate it. I respect our friendship in the past and therefore I will cherish those moments. However in the future I can only wish you the best of luck.Happiness and health.

Dont call me your friend and then go and talk behind my back, my whole life I could never trust anyone and now I have to worry about you my "friend" betraying my trust too? I can't fucking deal with this or I wont be able to mentally make it.

It makes me very sad to know the judgement inside peoples minds who don't know me at all. At least my friends and family members who know me best believe me.

You hurt my feelings a great deal and you made me hesitant to trust others again alright. You need to know that and I need to make it crystal clear to you.

Noone will EVER understand what I had to go through in these last few years and it doesn't matter what I say to anyone, they will never get it. You were not in my shoes. I experienced it, I lived it.

I get emails from people I don't even know all the time telling me that they can relate to me and my life. Perfect strangers tell me im the victim ok. They tell me they understand I was brainwashed. You, who i've known for a while betrays my trust?

I sit here and wonder how close we used to be, then I wonder was it real?


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07/01/09 11:44 - 67.ºF - ID#49151

My Boyfriend Part 3

Why Cant I Get Through To My BF?

Ok, so here is a bit of history on my relationship.
Im Bisexual and so is my boyfriend. Im 26 and he is 21. We met eight months ago and it was instant love at first sight. We both fell head over heals for one another and we could not see enough of one another. We called each other every hour and saw one another everyday. Needless to say, our phone bills and text messages were very high.

So, three days after we met, my boyfriend who we'll call "Mike" told me he loved me. i was upfront and honest with him, I told him about my past and he knew I came with heavy baggage (numerous partners,legal issues and abusive situations. Not to mention my name being all over the media)

However he told me he didn't care about my past and he would never judge me, he told me we could just focus on us and move forward. I was the happiest person around and I was at the happiest point in my life.

I was in the closet and I came out to all my family and friends for him. It was very difficult and hard, however I knew I had to and I knew he was the one for me.

Mike was in the closet also and since he came from a very strict middleeastern family, he told me he could not come out. I told him I understood and I would never pressure him to come out. So we met in the fall and we would go out to suppers,movies,clubs,spend time at my house(I lived alone and he lived with his mother) we did a lot of stuff together.

However when all his friends and him would go out to nightclubs or parties he would never invite me? This really really hurt me. Because I loved him and he loved me and yet I was never invited out to meet any of his friends or family. However he met all my friends and family. So I had to sit at home alone most of the time he was out and sometimes I also would go out with my friends.

Then came his birthday, he was so excited about it....he invited his family and twenty of his friends. They all rented a limo and had a big party at a nightclub. Mike NEVER even invited me. I felt so horrible I wanted to literally die.
Then to add insult to injury he called me all nite and told me he loved me so much, he was having such a great time, he told me all his straight friends picked up all these girls and took them into the limo. etc....I was so hurt I didn't know what to say or do so I just cried all nite and I felt like I was going to go insane.

Then he had the odacity to tell me, that if he were in a situation with his friends and they were having sex with girls, he would have to do it aswell to "keep up appearances" and he didn't know what he would do in those situations. He is so paranoid of people thinking he's gay that he would go screw a girl infront of his friends inorder to look straight.....he doesn't give a damm if he hurts me, or maybe he does??? I don't know. Or maybe he enjoys group sex? How could he say "I don't know what I would do?" SAY NO!
say...your not in the mood or better yet, don't put yourself in those situations.

Then he tells me he hates going to Casinos and he would never go with me to the Casinos at Niagara Falls. i asked him for months....then he goes with his friends for their birthdays and doesn't even invite me. It seems like he is living two seperate lives and he wants me because he loves me.....but he wants me to live like his mistress who nobody knows about....and he wants to still live his old lifestyle with his friends while he keeps me.

I know he went to massage parlours while he was with me to sleep with women, I know he and his friends picked up girls while he was with me. I know he hits on women at clubs to look straight.

I told him I don't agree with him going to nightclubs,stripclubs etc unless im with him and I told him I wouldnt do it either. So he agreed. But when he's with his friends, I don't know wht the hell they're doing. He often lies and tells me he's one place and really another and I caught him in so many lies....he tells me he "has to help his mother" and he'll be busy.
That makes me think he is either lying or cheating or avoiding me.

However I must say, he makes a huge effort to see me everyday, buys me nice gifts, sends me loving text messages and makes a point to call me ten times a day when he is not around me.

He has a very very good job and he is doing well, however he acts very immature and he wants to hang out with his friends so much its anoying, he spends time with me but he acts like its a chore and he really has his friends on his mind all the time.

He acts like he is too young to be in a serious relationship (especially a gay one) and that he feels like his "exciting life" with his friends is passing him by and his youth is being wasted cause he can't go partying and clubbing and chilling all the time.

I tell him al lthe time....IF YOU WANT YOUR OLD LIFE AND YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE YOUR SINGLE THEN YOU NEED TO NOT BE WITH ME IN A RELATIONSHIP. and then he cries and acts all emotional and tells me not to leave him and that he's trying to include me in his life. HE WILL NEVER include me in his life I feel.....I havent even met his family????

I told him to introduce me to all his friends and I will act like a buddy and NOT like his BF. i told him I would never embarass him and act "gay" because im straight acting. I agreed to go along with the charade. Just because I wanted to be more included in his life. So he intorduced me to all his friends and I was very proud of him for doing it, I know it took a lot of guts. Most of his buddies liked me and everything was going great.....there was no more of us leading seperate lives and we both were together all the time.

THEN one of his retarded friends found out im Bisexual and told everyone, my BF Mike got so paranoid that he wanted to kill himself.
He told me that none of his friends liked me anymore and that he would have to tell all of them he stopped speaking to me and that he stopped hanging out with me. I could not believe this.

just because his friends hate bisexual and gay beople doesn't mean he has to tell them he "stopped talking and chilling" with me. I feel like his friends dictate to him who he can and can't associate with. Mike is so afraid of what his friends think, he doesn't even care about my feelings I feel like. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.....he wants everyone to think he's straight and to have his happy life with his friends and family and then keep me in the closet until he's ready to use me.

Mike even gets me to go on craigslist and post ads to find men for him, then these random men come over to MY house and Mike screws them in the bedroom while im in the living room. My bf offers me to join in but I always decline because it turns me off being with another guy. Now, you might ask WHY do I allow this............. its because aslong as im keeping him satisfied with other sex partners he doesn't have to cheat on my behind my back......he can cheat infront of me. he tells me these men mean nothing, but I still feel like Mike is really GAY and NOT bisexual I think, he ONLY talks about men and masturbates to gay porn and sleeps with gay men. He is in denial I think and he wants to be excepted by all his friends.

But what happens oneday when all his "friends" (who wouldnt even like him if they knew he was gay) all get married and have kids.....will Mike STILL be happy with me or will the pressure be way too much and he will have to give in and get married and put on a big charade show for everyone.....will he get married just because everyone else is.? Will he leave me and opt out for a more exceptable life?
Will I be left behind when he realizes he WILL eventually have to choose.....his old life and the "exceptable" life OR me?

Am I wasting my time with someone who is keeping me around because I make him happy now.....but i eventually know he will leave me and stay in the clost his entire life so his family wont be disappointed.

If his friends and family really loved him, they would accept him.


I love him unconditionally and I can see he is a tortured soul, he will be happy with me I know it.....we love each other so much......when we are alone together we have so much fun....but as soon as we are out the door.....he is a different person.....he ignores me infront of his friends and im always feeling like * * * * .

One day I know he will leave me to marry a woman and have kids and he will forever be tortured......because he will be living a lie with her for the rest of his existance and he will forever know he gave up on true love. Im sure he will be miserable......however I hope he wakes up before its too late. I don't want him to regret giving up on love.

He is too good of a person, however he is just way to immature and young..... sould I keep staying and fighting, its killing me....and I think its killing him too....or should I brake up for the good of both of us?

Please help me figure this mess out, this is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I would truely appreciate it.

Sincerely
Luka Magnotta



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07/01/09 11:42 - 67.ºF - ID#49150

Can You Trust Your Boyfriend

Signs That He Is Lying

P.S Dont I look extra cute in the pic!



Are you looking for signs that your boyfriend is lying? If you are, then you’re probably having a difficult time decoding his words and actions. Being in a relationship with someone means that you trust and love that person enough to share a part of yourself with him.

Trying to look for signs that your boyfriend is lying won’t be easy, because you’re still hung up on all his wonderful qualities. But here are 3 telltale signs that will help keep you on your toes.

Signs That Your Boyfriend Is Lying Number 1: He Has A Hundred Versions of the Same Story.

When he tells you different variations of the same story, then there’s reason to doubt. For example, you ask him about how he and his friends spent last weekend together.

At first, he tells you that they went to a sports bar where his friend Jim shamelessly flirted with a waitress. In the second version, it’s no longer Jim but Henry who kept chatting with the waitress.

Signs That Your Boyfriend Is Lying Number 2: He Keeps It Short And Sweet.

When he doesn’t answer you as lengthily as he normally would, then he may be hiding something. It’s likely if he keeps the details to a minimum and doesn’t speak much of it at all.

Some guys do this because they think not telling everything isn’t exactly lying, while others are just afraid they’d spill the beans by accident.

Signs That Your Boyfriend Is Lying Number 3: He Changes the Topic Abruptly.

Girls have the tendency to prod their guys for answers they don’t really want to give. When a guy is lying, he will take the first opportunity he has to change the topic.

This way, you’re distracted from asking any more questions, and he doesn’t have to lie any more than he wants to.

It’s sometimes difficult to tell if your boyfriend is bluffing or being dishonest, especially since you really want to believe he’s telling the truth. However, these 3 signs that your boyfriend is lying will help you snap out of it and see your man for who he really is.




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07/01/09 11:39 - 67.ºF - ID#49149

My Boyfriend Part 2

Before I start, yes im really on Facebook and Myspace
Myspace:
and my facebook is

Here is part 2


Ok, so everything is getting a lot better with my boyfriend and I. I remember when we first met, how he would constantly ditch me for his friends...we would be sitting in my house and he would get a phone call from them and he would run..... he would spend every damm day at least a few hours with them....I guess I can't blame him, he spent the majority of his life with them. They are " The family he CHOOSE".
I can relate to not having male companions and male influances in my life, I always used to look for male guidance because I have such a messed up father and every male I had in my life I could never connect to.
At least now, eight months later, I am getting through to him. He spends practically every day with me...which I love and im not complaining, however he suggested that we were spending "too much time together and getting on each others nerves". Which I understand.
Now he sees his friends a couple times per week. Same as me.
He did attempt to include me and incorporate me in his life with his friends, however that all backfired when they discovered I was bisexual. Which is not a bad thing....they just are scared of bisexual people. So now I am not permitted to associate with him while he is with his friends.
I just can't get over the fact that.....WHY can't he stand up and say, "Luka is my friend and im chilling with Luka, if YOU GUYS want, then come chill with US" if hi friends really wanted to see him then they'd come chill with US."
However my boyfriend is scared that his buddies will discover thet we are dating and not just friends.

Ok, I can accept the fact that my life ruined any chance of my boyfriend and I associating together with his buddies. I mean, one can't get blood from a stone and force people to like me. However my boyfriend should have made it clear that.....he IS spending his time with me and chilling with me. I dindt expect him to say we were dating, just acknowledge that we are at LEAST friends.

What really bothers me and myabe im knit picking.....who knows? But I feel like I have to express myself and he hates when I talk to anyone about my relationship.....so im talking to this fu&*^ing blog.

Whats my pet peve is.....he can bring all his friends around hie FAMILY. And his family is cool with that......however...I feel like im not good enough to be brought around his cousin and mother.....but his FREINDS are. he constantly brings his friends to his cousins' birthday and out with his cousin....but me..........NEVER. I guess he thinks im to weird of a person or that his cousin wont like me. who the hell knows.

If he were man enough to stand up to everyone and say....." Luka is my friend, if I want him around then too bad for you" THATS what bothers me.....being excluded from his life.

He claims im the most important person in his life besides his mother and yet, he wont even introduce me to his mother......even when she wants to meet me???????? She wanted to come out to the car and see me but he made me drive to the GD Time Hortons around the corner and wait.....then he called a TAXI!!!!!! ....to take him one minute around the corner !!!!! He thinks his mom will discover he is gay...... but WHY WHY WHY can he spend EVERYDAY with his troll friend before he met me and his mom never suspected a thing?????? Did she???? Did she say.... "why are u spending time with ______" NO! But my boyfriend thinks im stupid........ the REAL reason he doesn't want me around his mother is because he thinks I look and act gay.

The real reason he doesn't answer his phone when im around is because he is getting tired of lying to his friends infront of me and telling his friends he's at home when really he's at my home......he sees the look on my face when he has to lie and tell them he's not with me and I tink he's getting fed up with the fact that im getting fed up and confronting him everytime they call.....so thats why he doesn't answer.......

he could just say " Im with my girlfriend" and ocasionally "im with Luka" but he doesn't.
its always "im at home" its offensive and hurtful that im NEVER acknowledged in his life when im SUPPOSED to be so important. THATS why im always upset.....because im never acknowledged. I don't feel appreciated.

I need validation the im important....and im never getting it........ him telling me "i love u and ur important is not enough" I NEED MY BOYFRIEND TO SHOW ME!!!!

Just ONCE...just ONCE i would love for him to say " Im busy and im with Luka" or "No , I can't chill because im chilling with Luka and you all hate him because he's bisexual"

I felt horrible when his friends found out I was bisexual..... Because my own boyfriend who was "scared" made me feel like a piece of crap. He made me feel like I was a disgusting human being for being bisexual..... he told me straight to my face "Im not going to be able to chill with u as often, we have to keep our distance, my life is ruined because of u, my life is over" He tried to take all my sleeping pills to kill himself....he made me feel so bad that I was devistated.

Why can't he say.... Luka, come over to my moms house with me LIKE MY FRIENDS DO and play PS3.....or have some drinks with me in my backyard.... NOOOOOOOO he doesn't....because thats reserved for his friends and im just a dirty little secret. WHO CANT EVEN BE INTORDUCED TO HIS MOTHER AS HIS FRIEND!
Why can his friends go over to his house.......why can HIS mother call HIS friends and meet HIS friends and not me?
....oh I forgot, because his mom knew his friends from way back.....well.....NEW people DO come along. He had plenty of oppertunity to introduce me.

He made me feel like I screwed it all up...well YES, my life is not perfect and I have a past...but he knew it...no fuc*&ing secret. He should stand up and say....."Luka is my friend, he has done a lot for me, he is an amazing person and im NOT going to stop talking to him just because YOU hate him cause he is Bisexual"

I really hope oneday one of his fuc*ing retarded friends reads my blog...... READ THIS.
I don't give a damm if you hate me because im bisexual.....go crawl under a ROCK and die because gay and bisexaul people are EVERYWHERE. U can't avoid us.....u may be closed minded and SCARED of us....but that doesn't diminish the fact we DO exist and there is nothing wrong with us.....so I would LOVE for you to come and say to my face what you said behind my back to my boyfriend you COWARDS! All u are right now is immature, wannabe rapper freaks. Who have to prove how cool they are by putting others down......U REALLY think your "friends" are going to have your back in twenty years? LMFAO Life moves on and friends come and go.

My boyfriend is the niceiest guy in the world and he would be pissed that im writting my thoughts in my BLOG....Dont worry though honey, I never mentioned your name or anything about you, so your friends wont be able to tell who im talking about.

I wonder what your retard friend would think if he actually knew ALL this time that im NOT just a nobody,chaperone, thirdwheel, tag along friend and im REALLY your BOYFRIEND? That would shut the stupid ignorant ugly fool up wouldnt it! I would pay anything to see his face when he figured the truth out.

OH, but wait.....you would have no friends left because they all HATE gay people! They don't really even know you and if they did they would HATE you.....that would hurt wouldnt it? Being hated for something u can't change. Welcome to my life.....people spreading rumors about me all the time, claiming im a "publicity whore"

NEWSFLASH! I am NOT a publicity whore and I can't help whats written about me online....people use my name as THEIR username and impersonate me to make me look bad. Unless you hear it from my own mouth then DONT believe it. I DONT write stuff about me online. WAKE UP! Oh and I DONT hate Family Guy either. Stop being so gullible and thinking that im spamming my name all over the place...I actually have a LIFE! Get real.

Moving on, my boyfriend does show me he loves me by spending his time with me. However i wish I would be acknowledge...EVEN AS A FRIEND to everyone in his life on a CONTINUOUS basis.

I took him out to supper with my mother and I, my sister and I spent time with him and so did my brother.

he claims...." I introduced you to my uncle and cousin" Ok great......your cousin likes me.........however WHY can't that happen with the rest of ur family?????? Stop being so scared.....Ill stand by you if anything happens.

I DO care about your life.....you don't have to come out if you don't feel comfortable....just acknowledge me to other people and SCREW what they say.

Im tired of hearing....."im going out with my cousin for his birthday and my FRIENDS are coming along too, sorry Luka.....u can't come" Ya, well why the hell not? Oh, because his FRIENDS will feel uncomfortable. i forgot....

The reason I REFUSE to bring him around my father is because im waiting for HIM to introduce me to his mother and brother and his sister..... My friend Tony knows my father and I bring Tony around my father....I would gladly bring my BF around my father just as soon as im introduced to his mother and there is NO excuse in the world.

If he can't introduce me as a FRIEND to his mom then there is a HUGE problem.

He is not even allowed to sleep over at my house???? WTF are you kidding me? my own adult boyfriend in his twenties is not ALLOWED to sleep at my house? I have to go to bed everynite ALONE! lol.
Even when his mom is at work....... Ok, he doesn't want to stress her out....but TALK to her and don't ASK, TELL her you are an adult and you have the right to spend the nite out SOMETIMES and not everynite but SOMETIMES.. if she can't understand then you will have to move......im sure she will change her mind once she sees u moving out.

Is having someone next to me such a big thing to ask?????


My entire life I have had my friends try and exclude me and I absolutely hate it....now I just can't handle my boyfriend doing it. it sucks.

I sware on my life... if he was out and everyone knew I was his boyfriend then we would have NO problems and I wouldnt care if he went to timbucktoo with his buddies... and im being HONEST.

So, to my BF if u r reading this........Im sorry that I wrote down my feelings, you were not mentioned and noone can tell who u are so don't get mad at me. I just have to express myself. If I can't to my friend then to WHO? U don't listen to me, u just talk over me and yell at me. Then u sulk and don't want to have a conversation and im left frustrated. GROW UP! i love u so much, otherwise why would I write this?

I just want to know where my life is going.....I don't know and its scaring me. I have no idea where YOU and I will be in a year and it scares me. I need some reassurance and I need some communication and I need some goals for us to work towards...... fair?

I NEED GOALS for US to work towards......

Just remember, I got rid of EVERYONE in my life who YOU told me to.....and it sucks you didn't do the same for me. I guess it was all just TALK. U can talk the best talk of everyone I know, but when it comes time to walk the walk.....your crippled with fear.
You'll have to stand up to your friends at some point wont you... or maybe you never will?

Will we be together, u and me in the future living together uietly just us? I would love that.....but I don't think YOUR life will allow it..... on my end I've bent over backwards and its time for you to do so to.
AND NOT SEEING YOUR FRIENDS EVERYDAY IS NOT NOT NOT NOT A SACRAFICE THATS HUGE. and if you think it is then ur screwed up.....everyone in relatinships makes that sacrafice.....so AGAIN.... its time for YOU to make a sacrafice. Ive made ALOT!

Giving up all my friends
My career( yes I know, and like it or not, it WAS for you)
My lifestyle and being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted with financial freedom.
Moving to YOU neighbourhood
Driving you to work everymorning, even when I was dead tired and had the day off.
Bending over backwards to do erronds for you
Taking you to meetings
Having to be forced to sleep with guys when I never wanted to ( because you claim we need to spice up ou relatinship)
Having to wait in the closet with you
Being your dirty little secret
Not being able to spend the night with you.
Knowing that you cheated on me in the beginning.

Yes, you have to live with my life tooooo..

I have a messed up and public past
I was sexually permiscuious
and I can't think of anything else????????????????

Oh ya, we are BOTH gay and you would have to give up having a family!!!! AAWWW would you tell your wife....."I feel bad because I would have to give up MEN?" NO! you wouldnt then DONT tall me youd be giving up a wife and kids because SO WOULD I!

If you love me then that would NEVER even be a thought. Do you want to live a lie your entre life??? I don't think you do....

And don't dare even think that being in a gay relatinship is not normal...IT IS and millions of people are in a gay relationship...you CAN and WILL(if u want) have a NORMAL life with me.... others may not like it, but if they love u then they will except it...if not then screw them.

Lifes what you make it.

Oh and if your retard friends are reading......... GO TO HELL. FAKE FAKE FAKE



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07/01/09 11:35 - 67.ºF - ID#49148

My Boyfriend

Ok, so just when I think im able to trust my boyfriend, I hear another lie.

His friend "M" was having a birthday party. M left a MESSAGE on my boyfriends phone saying "Im having a birthday party, its gong to be at my house with a few people, FEEL FREE TO BRING A FRIEND"

So my boyfriend calls me and tells me, like he ALWAYS does, "I might might might, be going to a birthday tonite" "Ill see if I can bring a friend and if I can then I don't mind if you want to come, I want you too"

You see, my bf is a funny person. He asks me if I want to come.....so that later on I can't get mad at him because he didn't ask me. HOWEVER, he bases his decison on MY answer, wheather or not he will attend. Hes hoping and hoping I say "no" so that he can bring one of his other buddies and not feel guilty about not asking me. Because im an embarassment to him. But he doesn't have enough guts to admit it, or maybe he just feels ashamed.


what he should've said was "i might might might be going to a birthday tonite, I really want to bring my buddie, because M told me I could bring a friend. I would bring you but you're too much of an akward person, sorry" At least that would've been the truth about how he felt.

Also, when he first called me..... he said "i don't know any of the details, I only spoke to him for a few minutes" HE DIDNT EVEN SPEAK TO HIM. It was a voice message with all the details......he knew from the beginning that he could bring a friend????? Why the FU&K lie about that??? why say " ill see if i can bring a friend"

Answer: to make it look like he's asking me to come , when he REALLY doesn't.


However, I caught onto his game and I called his bluff. I told him "sure, ill come with you" Then he got all pissed and ACTUALLY said, "Luka, I need to know if YOUR coming to see wheather or not IM going" LMFAO he sliped up there.

Ofcoarse he backtracked it because "its human nature"

I really think he didn't want me to drive him to his birthday because he was origionally planning on asking his friend to go and he didn't have enough guts to tell me his friend was going to drive him and pick him up..... OR one of his friends was going to be there and he would feel embarassed if I drove him.

Right from the beginning I could tell he really didn't want me to go with him......even though he asked......I could tell by the tone in his voice. He just asked me to keep up appearances. Really sad.

Or maybe the guilt is getting to him.....that he treats me like shit in public. And he didn't want to have to at this party....... sucks living such a big lie and weaving such tangled webs doesn't it.

In the end , he told me "I can give my mom this money instead" and he didn't go....



ALSO, he told me, time and time and time again...... he hated my friend Alex and he constantly bitched at me because my friend gave me money, BECAUSE I HELPED HIS SISTER..... I HELPED HIS FREAKING SISTER! HE GAVE ME MONEY AND A BRACELET BECAUSE I HELPED HIS SISTER!!!!!!!

So my BF got really jealous about this and kept bitching at me and telling me "friends shouldn't just give friends money" he kept saying "thats suspicious" so he made me never talk to my friend Alex again, that HURT me really really bad. I lost a really good friend and I was upset for months. He was so nice to me too.

My boyfriend tells me a week ago, HIS friend 'A' just called him IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NITE.....BOUGHT HIM A TAXI and GAVE....... GAVE him $300 for NOTHING.....NOTHING AT ALL.............. "because my bf was SUCH a good friend" he gave him $300. and thats not suspicious? LMFAO HYPOCRITE"


He also bitched at me because my friend Robert was going to give me a really good deal on an IPHONE. I was really interested in it and my boyfriend got all pissy and jealous so he told me "IPHONES are junk, they're garbage don't get one, I hear they'e the WORST phones"
So I abandoned my hopes of getting one because I didn't want to get bitched at.

A few days ago, my boyfriend told me HE WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING AN IPHONE, because they're good for his work. LMFAO.....I thought they were garbage? WTF?

Unbeleaveable how he creates double standards. He is the MOST spiteful and jealous person I have met in a few years besides my previous "boyfriend who was in the closet" LOL


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07/01/09 11:31 - 67.ºF - ID#49147

Most People Are Haters

Why does everyone have to not like me? I don't know if they do or not, but I think that everyone hates me.

Even when they say they love me. I just can't stop thinking about it. I mean I tell myself I don't really care what others think of me, but actually I do. The neighbours hate me because they feel like I anoy the hell out of them. My family hates me because They treat me like crap. My dog hates me because he doesn't want to get close to me. I just don't know. I mean,No one has really said they hated me but.I just don't know. Most of the time I think people are just envious of my looks and my personality and they feel like trash standing next to me because I outshine them.

Even when I walk down the street and mind my own business people justwalk by and say "he thinks he's so hot" and they make rude comments. People are just plaine stupid and morans and I can't believe that they r=treat me with such disrespect.



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07/01/09 02:22 - 62.ºF - ID#49135

How 2 Deal With Envious People

Envy may be defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.



Steer away from envious people. They will not admit they are envious typically. Steer away from this person. Keep away until they confess and say sorry. If not keep away, you can not afford to keep envious people in your private world. People that envy you are not your friends.
Examine his behavior. See his actions, words, etc. Sometimes they make face response, so be alert.
If you would like to do something, and he says things like "you can't", "you suck" or "your not going to make it" then those are signs of envy. For example: You would like to sing, and he says you shouldn't because you are a bad singer but others say you have a great voice, somethings wrong.
Try to help him out in that situation, talk to him about this feeling. If you don't succed try to Break Up with that friend.
Talk to somebody about that. You might not see he's envious, but if you tell others the situation they identify.
Envious people talk with others about you. And i don't think its good stuff
Investigate what made him that way. You might be mistaken for something you did that he hated and he's trying to have revenge. Or maybe he's in a bad mood, and people with bad mood try to make others feel like dirt.


Dont pay attention to what your friend says.
Ask other people that know that person if he talks about you. Is it bad? Is it good? You'll never know if you don't investigate.
Help him out.
Make friends with people who have the same things as you or more, this way you don't have envious people trying to pull you down.


Handle an envious friend with extreme care. If he/she is extremely envious any small reaction to their envious remarks or actions may cause them to get worse and try to hurt you. ( Remember our friends know just how to push our buttons so it's better to distance your self in a peaceful way slowly over time).
If you listen to him you'll be just like him. So don't let him take your confidence and your strength down.
That person might be your worst enemy, or your best friend. And even if its your best friend, don't pay attention to him or his actions.
Remember that if you confront your envious friend they may become hostile and deny. Worse, they may even try to convince others that you are the envious one. Try to focus on your own accomplishments and avoid getting into a "one-up-manship" game with them as they will try to brag whenever your are around. Just ignore them and be graceous if you see them.
Remember the difference between admiration, envy and jealousy. Admiration is when someone likes something about you and is inspired by it but they do not wish that you lacked it (a good friend has and SHOWS this as well). However, envy is when they like what you have (and show it by copying or worse yet, saying that they came up with it,etc) and want you to lack it (i.e they belittle your accomplishments or over act the quality in you that they desire). Jealousy is the experience when something one possess and is fearful of losing. So, make sure that you label it correctly. If a friend is envious of you, remember that it is a genuine form of flattery although painful. Remember that they feel inferior and remember that when they try to belittle you.







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