01/27/06 07:36 - 35ºF - ID#24891
The end might be approaching
But you know, I can't do that. I am SO self-conscious about how I look I can't do it. You know, that's a HUGE problem with the GLBT community. Many are so focused on how the person looks, they forget about everything else. Yes, I may not be the most attractive individual (which I find hard to believe) but gish darn it, there's a LOT more to me than just that. But of course if I am not physically appealing to the eye, they won't get to see what I am all about.
But i'm talking like Drew and I are over....which we are not. We had a nice converstaion last night about everyhting. We'll see what happens. He said that he would try to be there more for me and to do things for me to show that he actually cares. BUT...of course I get an IM tonight when I was out shopping with my RAs that he might not be over tonight becasue some of his friends are having a labrynth movie night and they are very domminering and he might be firced into going. Umm...yeah..PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND SAY YOU CAN'T GO!! Its not that hard!
No matter what, I am going to be seen as the bad guy. He is trying to put everythung all on me. the way he is talking, he's making it sound like I am forcing him to change who he is to be more of the way that I want him. But i don't think that I am...am I? I mean, it is too much to be asked to have a little love in return?
Permalink: The_end_might_be_approaching.html
Words: 334
Location: Buffalo, NY
01/26/06 09:32 - 20ºF - ID#24890
Meds?!?!
I think I really connected with a hall director here tonight. We went out to Tully's and then went to ColdStone Creamery (Maple and Transit). It was REALLY nice to get out of the apartment as well as find someone to talk to. Not that I don't have people to talk to...but she knows that I am going through first hand. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. :-)
Permalink: Meds_.html
Words: 156
Location: Buffalo, NY
01/26/06 12:21 - 22ºF - ID#24889
Alone with my thoughts
I wish I can put my finger on everything. I don't know if it is just one thing that brings me down or if it just a combination of everything that gets all rolled into one HUGE thing that will eventually make me explode. I mean, there is just so many things going on (or not going on) that is really making life difficult.
1.) Not able to see Drew--He has rehearsals for a show he is in at the end of February Tues-Sun all at night. I am lucky if I get to see him one or two nights a week. That is a HUGE change from last semester as we got used to seeing each other 4 days of the week, spending 3 days together consistently. Now...who the hell knows. PLUS...does he even think of just sending an IM saying "hi...hope all is well, I miss you and love you etc". . . NO.
2.) Work is starting to get annoying. We just hired a new RA which FINALLY beings us back up to full staff (16 RAs). But now I have to recreate a new duty schedule which is SUCH A PAIN! And then I have RAs who rant and rave about things about their jobs that they don't like to do etc...SUCK UP AND DEAL! If you don't like it..QUIT!!!!!!!!!! Add on top of that, I feel that the RHD treats me like an RA at times and not as an Assistant Hall Director. I think that she forgets sometimes that we are more equal than she gives credit for. Again, this is something that I should talk to her about but I don't like being very assertive.
3.) I think that major thing is that I really feel alone. With Drew in rehearsals and not really having anyone here at UB that I can really talk too and confide in is just starting to get too much. I miss my friends. I miss that "hey, let's go out somewhere" or just that general "come on over and lets watch a movie". Instead, I sit alone in my apartment with me, myself and I. And when that happends, I start to think. And when I start to think, I get in moods like this that I just cannot shake. I wish I knew how isolated I would be when I came here. :-(
Permalink: Alone_with_my_thoughts.html
Words: 450
Location: Buffalo, NY
01/22/06 01:16 - 28ºF - ID#24888
And it continues. . .
Things might be getting a little better. We had a little conversation about the subject matter and he said he will really try harder to be more appreicative and give more. We'll see. I just don't want to end it with him. I really love the guy. I freakin chose to come to Buffalo just for him, to be close to him. But i'm glad I did because then I would not have ever met the totally awesome beautiful (e:ladycroft) in which then my life would not have EVER been complete! :-)
Permalink: And_it_continues_.html
Words: 139
Location: Buffalo, NY
01/20/06 06:14 - 46ºF - ID#24887
Your assistance is needed. . .
Permalink: Your_assistance_is_needed_.html
Words: 156
Location: Buffalo, NY
12/18/05 03:28 - 24ºF - ID#24886
Umm..yeah...
That is all.
Permalink: Umm_yeah_.html
Words: 83
Location: Buffalo, NY
12/15/05 06:33 - 32ºF - ID#24885
Darkness has taken over
The ice falls down from the sky,
the people scamper in where its dry;
Cars go whizzing by,
without a care in their eye.
Alone I sit as I hear the water freeze,
and I wonder, "is this what it is all about?"
Next to my little four foot Christmas tree
with its lights all a glow, I sit and ponder
thinking it all out.
The noise from the freshman as they walk by
remind me of how obsolete I have become;
I am seen as the "authority" and nothing more,
not someone they can talk to or become friends with.
Happy yes, happy no;
I just don't know.
There are times that I wish,
years ago I succeeded in somethings,
but ended up failing instead.
Everyday is a new experience,
looking forward to the day ahead;
never thought I would see them,
thought i'd be dead.
Here I sit, alone in my room,
without a care.
Permalink: Darkness_has_taken_over.html
Words: 215
Location: Buffalo, NY
12/14/05 02:43 - 21ºF - ID#24884
The minuets tick by
Last night, going to a holiday party with (e:Ladycroft) was really what I needed. I needed a chance to get away from the hall, my job, the responsibility and just be me. Iy has been so long since I have been able to be myself. But let me just say...I REALLY enjoyed it! I am making my New Year's Resolution early: I need to get away more and enjoy life to the fullest. HAPPY NEW YEAR (18 days early...)
Permalink: The_minuets_tick_by.html
Words: 165
Location: Buffalo, NY
12/14/05 01:56 - 8ºF - ID#24883
The first
Permalink: The_first.html
Words: 60
Location: Buffalo, NY
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It HAS to be a two way street, or one person will eventually be resentful.
I hope you guys work things out.
But don't compromise yourself.