well i am almost embarrassed to be writing right now. i am weak. weak weak weak. friday nite when i was drunk i smoked 3 cigarettes. saturday nite i smoked a few more. blah. last nite i got so excited over 24 i smoked another.

back to square 1.


last year i befriended a girl about my age here at work. we took to eachother quickly as we were a.) the only ones under 40 and b.) the only females in the department. at the time she was in a rough spot as she was living with an ex among other things. finally i convinced her to get out of the apartment. within a few months she got her own place and her own car. it made me so happy to watch this transformation. i could only imagine how hard this was for her as her entire family is in puerto rico. in this time also i convinced her to get on myspace ( and by 'convinced' i mean begged and pleaded.) she was very skeptical. a few days later a guy (a soldier) sent her a message. he requested her a friend. again - skeptical. she asked me what to do. i told her to go for it. i remember saying - "go for it, he is probably just bored. what is he going to do? he can't rape or murder you from Iraq."

this morning she told me they are getting married !


also - as for the party issue. i gave in. saturday nite at my place. byob. come celebrate the anniversary of my birth 24 years ago.

i just comtemplated for the past 10 minutes whether or not to put my address up. i decided against it. email me if you would like to drop in - the more the merrier.

okay i am 2 and a half days in.
last nite i almost did not survive. after spot it was so nice out wandering back down elmwood to 1039 with jon simon. he was chain smoking as usual. back at his house i sat in the tiny front room as him, tony and brian all chain smoked around me. i was dying. my hand hovered over the parliments thrown carelessly on the coffee table. but i stopped. i kept thinking of: a.) how chris would punch me in the face if i gave in before him and b.) how after all you gave me such nice advice and encouragment i would have to write today about how i gave in
so i didn't

tonite is going to be so hard. if anyone sees my smoking tonite grab it and burn me with it.


also. with my new sense of smell i noticed on the way to work this morning that my car smells suspicously of piss. this is very odd. i have had no dogs in my car, nor have i peed myself lately. in the past week i have had a lot of drunk people in and out of my car - jon simon, harrington, theresa, marla, dyan..... gross and gross.
this also may have something to do with the keying incident. yes someone keyed my car. i park in my garage...so god knows when and where it happened. i just noticed it yesterday. blah

my birthday is coming up soon and everyone is obsessing about throwing a theme party for it. in all honesty - i don't really want a party. i just want to go out to dinner and go for drinks after. everytime we have a party all i do worry about who is there and not there and people destroying my house. no one seems to be listening to me though when i say i don't want to have a party. i think they think i am being humble. i am not. but now i feel bad because everyone is all riled up about a strip club themed party in my honor. should i just give in and stop being such a stick in the mud?

44 hours smoke free.
i think i can do this.
this weekend will be the true test. not being at work and running errands - i love to smoke while driving. friday nite drinking. saturday nite in the pink at 3am....i don't know if i am going to make it. blah. the problem is i really don't want to quit. i am not in the mindset. I LOVE smoking. i know i know its gross. but i really do love it. i love smoking luckys and drinking espresso in the summer.

2 badass things happened today.
a.) my little brother called me to say:
"hey, jess - that david bowie guy you were talking about isn't so bad!"
he just turned 13. my other brothers and sisters listen to garbage - so hearing this was music to my ears.
b.) i won $100 to the galleria mall from my work. that means i have $250 to best buy,a $75 american express giftcard and this. i am so excited - i don't have any idea what to get though.


ok to the gym. then spot with jonsimon.

i really think i am going through a quarter life crisis. more so i think i am just bored. i don't know maybe i am just listening to too much Pavement and reading too much Edward Abbey.

i think i am going to quit my job. i am bored. really really bored. to the point of going crazy. i know this is probably something that every single 20 something goes through at some point. but i think i have made a grave mistake in getting the degree i did. i am losing it.

i took the first step friday though and set up an appointment with an advisor at Erie County boces. i am going to go back to be a teacher. there apparently is a new law in which if you teach Math or Science at an Elementary level in a "high need" area they will pay for your masters. i'm in.

everyone thinks i am going into it naive -and on a whim. this is something i have been wanting for a very long time. i was comfortable with what i was doing and where i was in school and whatnot. i was in a groove. groove over - i can't take it.

scott asked me last nite at the pink if i was ok - insinuating i was depressed. apparently he had stumbled across me on here and drawn the conclusion by reading it i was upset. i am fine. i hope i don't come across on here as a crybaby.... i tend to use this to vent. sorry

13 hours cigarette free

i have been inspired by (e:theecarey). even tho (e:ladycroft) and her think they are curter and cuter then i :)

my favorite moments from 2005

-my 23rd birthday weekend at sundowners
-random indian dance parties with theresa at level
-camping at rhubarb with the boys
-anything but clothes party
-wilco at the knox
-going to spain and tangiers because i felt like it
-the very first time keith called me saying "get in the goddam pool" (thus the beginning of a long summer of pool parties)
-eating 500 boston hotel clams and then getting yelled at at anderson's an hour later for being too fucked up to get a sundae
-each time i have used my bills/sabres seasons (and exposing marla and rachel to the bills army)
-the day i realized i have some pretty goddam good friends
-seeing arcade fire at Vegoose!

my least favorite moments from 2005:

-ruining a good friendship with a failed relationship
-getting poison oak after passing out in the parking lot of the tom petty concert
-when my fake tooth fell out at my cousins graduation dinner
-getting pre evening booty called
-getting in a fight at the pink
-witnessing an attempted murder by dried starfish
-the day i got a flat tire and a cell phone ticket in one
-the day i realized i needed those pretty goddam good friends and couldn't do it on my own



Did you keep your New Year resolutions of 2005?
-um still smoking



Did you fall in love in 2005?
-blah can we skip the love question for now? especially after this weekend...

Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
yes


Did you make any new friends in 2005?
yes - lots!

What was your favorite month of 2005?
definitely july. july was a great month.

Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
spain, morocco and canada too!

How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
a few?

Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yea. a lot.


What was your favorite song from 2005?

ooo this is hard. i was unnaturally obsessed with both "beast of burden" and "yoshimi battles the pink robots." seriously - to the point it was almost weird. like listening on repeat continuously for months. and singing karaoke to them on a weekly basis.


What was your favorite album from 2005?
tie between the new pornographers (twin cinema) and the new fiona apple too. the new eels was sweet too.



Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
ah yes.

Did you do drugs in 2005?
um, a few?

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
obviously. this includes:
-making out at the bar like i was a freshman
-falling asleep in my car naked
-being really really bad with my money this year
-backing into my house by mistake (i have a very narrow driveway!)

What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
-hmmmmm. i was told i look hot in zubaz pants?

Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
-i may have called dyan a firecrotch one too many times

Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
-yea

What was your proudest moments of 2005?
-defending katies honor by getting in that fight in the pink
-finally sticking up for myself in a lot of situations i let go too far!
-getting a promotion
-figuring out how to configure UPS systems at work

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
-probably walking home naked minus a dairy queen napkin from elmwood

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
-not have taken this semester off from school

What are your plans for 2006?
-quit smoking
-go back to grad school
-go back to the gym
-start sporting more fanny packs
-get my sister to break up with her old man baby's daddy boyfriend
-stop drinking so much PBR
-stop going out assholes
-start cooking more
-take a dreamweaver class
-take samba lessons
-start a non "LOL" movement
-get back into photography
-beat my brother in bubble puck
-write a essay on the New Buffalo BiSexual movement i have uncovered and my feelings on it
-save some money
-change something BIG in my life. i don't know what yet. but i need to figure it out.

hey i am ambitious this year....

the cook at my work really is awful at his job. for a time i was getting egg and cheese breakfast quesadillas. when he came on as chef, he would constantly forget the egg. seriously - everyday. this is not a breakfast quesadilla, buddy. just a quesadilla.
just now i went to get some lunch - i ordered a cheese quesdilla with hot sauce. he forgot the hot sauce. i am thinking of writing a letter of complaint. is that pushing it?

also - i have a friend nolan. he is dating a girl named Sheba. If they get married, her name will be Sheba Katz. and that is really funny.

fate is going to find your love
in a glass of champagne




new years has never hurt so bad on both the inside and the out.

ahhh he talked to me! granted it was via IM. but still - contact. basically its was just saying 'wasup' and seeing what i was doing. i am sure this is to prevent awkward nites in the future. right? ((e:sbrugger) input please?)

also. i am trying to teach myself to knit. i got one of the Klutz series books aimed for prepubcent girls and i still can't figure it out. it is driving me crazy. there is yarn all over my cubicle.

no call yet from prenitebootycall guy. i have a bad feeling i wont. 'operation avoid at all costs in public' is now in full swing. aka - no tudor or pink tonite.

tomorrow i am leaving for downstate for a while. my friends rented a loft in soho for the NYE celebration. should be a good time - see the old group.

last nite saw Syriana. it was incredible. i really, really recommend it. one of the best movies i have seen in a while. both chris and i really adored it.

my nite of not drinking went alright. except for one pesky factor. i couldn't sleep. i was wide awake and shaky til 3ish. it drove me nuts. i am going to try it again tonite. stay in and relax. hopefully my body will get used to this.

growing up my mom always talked about how as a girl the one thing she asked for every christmas was a Mystery Date game. my grandma would never buy it for her because she thought it was sexist. she would tell this story all the time - and sing the jingle from the commercial ("Open the door...its your mystery date!") This christmas my dad hunted one down on ebay and bought it for my mom. It was probably one of the sweetest things I have ever seen my dad do. It was also 1 of 3 times I have ever seen my mother cry. I can only hope i have what they have someday. I will compare every relationship to them forever, because they are my ideal couple.

this is not something i am going to attain in my current trend. i think i got early evening booty called tuesday nite. i have recently taken up with someone i have known for a while. for a week or so he called and messaged me repeatedly, wanting to hang out and wanting to do things for me. we spoke everyday. basically he sucked me in. tuesday he called me in the afternoon to see if i wanted to come by after work and watch a movie or something. i was there by about 8pm. we hung out for a while, listened to records and such. then around 1030ish he gets on his computer and starts messaging and checking his myspace. he informed me it was his friends birthday and some one was going to come over and get him so he can go to his party. no invite.
what the hell is that? to make it worse it is thursday nite and he hasn't spoken to me since. this, under normal circumstances, would not be odd - but bear in mind we were talking repeatedly throughout the day. i can't believe i got swindled into the pre-nite booty call. damnit.
i think i will be seriously offended if he doesn't talk to me again. for several reasons:
a.) that is bullshit
b.) he is good friends with my uncle
c.) i have to see him out all the time
d.) it makes me lose more hope about nice boys - because he was ridiculously nice to me for years

tonite i am going to take a nice relaxing nite off. stop at my nana's for dinner. see a movie with chris. i snagged some free regal passes from work so we are choosing between munich, syriana or king kong. he is voting for syriana i know - and i might just have to go along with that.