Day 6 with no cigarettes. The (e:strip) party was my last hurrah with the smoking. I think it was an appropriate way to end it all; after 10 years of partying and puffing, to toke some last rollies with my old crew. I smoked a smorgasborg of borrowed butts that night, and since I had been cutting back for two weeks before that, they made me dizzy and kinda sick feeling. The next day I think I was more hungover from cigarettes than anything else. This week has been intense with rehersals (one of my ideas was pretty over-the-top and I got grilled by the whole troupe and in the end I had to just cut the skit) but I have still managed not to give in, even though people around me are smoking. Really what I feel like is I've lost an old friend (I almost typed 'fiend'), My Tabaccy, and though I miss it now it's gone, it was time to move on. There just weren't any surprises anymore. Puff puff butt, over and over. The good news is, according to everything doctors have told me, now that I'm not a smoker, I'll live forever, right?

[size=l]Hello Strippers![/size]
[size=xl]This is an invite to the
Real Dream Cabaret's[/size]

[size=xxl]Super Intense Decision Show

at Squeaky Wheel! [/size]

Thursday
August 4
8:00 p.m.

Friday
August 5
9:00 p.m.

Saturday
August 6
2:00 p.m.

Sunday
August 7
4:00 p.m.

The Super Intense Decision Show is part of the Infringement Festival. All performances held at Squeaky Wheel 175 Elmwood. Admission is your hourly wage.

I will be performing with the group, in case you are my friend and would like to see me. But even if you are not my friend or would not like to see me, you should come and just close your eyes during my parts!

More Info:
Real Dream Cabaret Webpage:
Infringement Festival (Buffalo):

Calling all Hackers! Calling all Hackers! Do you like people, especially women? Do you deplore and denounce violence, especially against women? Of course you do. Otherwise you'd be a dickless motherfucker who should rot in hell.

So if you like women, and you think beating them up is about the most disgusting thing a man can do, then I have a job for you. I would like someone to take down sliceoftheday.com for as long as possible, if not permanently.

Basically it's a celebrity nudes site. I was surfing it because this is my boyfriend's favorite kind of internet softporn, so I'm curious and thought maybe I could recommend the site to him. Alright, so I also wanted to see nude pictures of Scarlett Johannsson. Who wouldn't. Anyway, they have a section of the site called "Pieclopedia" where they define different types of women as different flavors of pie. Innocent enough. But then I saw this definition, complete with a bruised picture of Paris Hilton:

"Black and Blueberry
This is a very tricky flavor. Every single slice of pie can become Black and Blueberry, but none of them will ever stay that flavor. This flavor is for those pies that have been "kneeded" or "tenderized" to bring out their full flavor. If you miss your chance to taste this flavor, don't worry my friend. You can always create it out of any slice of pie you see."

These fuckers are not only recommending beating women, they are getting off on it. I'm so pissed I think I could make their dicks shrivel up right now just by thinking about it. I can't even say anymore, I don't think I have to. Women die everyday at the hands of their so-called "lovers". So if you want to hack-attack this site, you would be doing the world a favor. Or if there are any women out there who want to join me as I track the site owners down and beat the shit out of them and then ask how sexy *they* feel, I'm all for it.

I should know better than to think that I can skim even the surface of filth on some men's minds without becoming totally sickened by it. I'm all for looking at naked pictures, it turns me on too, but jokingly suggesting that beaten women are attractive hurts not just women but men too.

Warning: Harry Potter is crack! Millions have suffered from Harry Potter addiction before me, but now I've fallen prey too. So I'm here to warn you, children, if you've somehow managed to remain free of its influence up to now, do not touch, smell, or even look too closely at any Harry Potter books or the words may leap into your eyes and infect your brain.

Symptoms of Harry Potter addiction include but are not limited to:

--> An inability to concentrate on anything not related to Hogwarts, the Ministry of Magic, character arcana, or minute clues spread over 6 novels. In general, sufferers are prone to "magical thinking" and may refuse to go to work, eat, or even accept that "none of it is real." Once at work, they often spend hours combing through fan sites and repeatedly checking the current date to verify the ETA for "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" (2 days, 13 hours, 50 minutes, 30 seconds).

--> Waving your pencil like a wand, trying to make your car fly, and seriously considering what position you are best suited to play on your house Quidditch team, which may result in attempts to actually play Quidditch, which may result in death. Warning: a broom can NOT fly, even and especially when one leaps off a rooftop astride one.

--> An intensely irritating weeping rash between the toes and around the heel of the foot that is resistant to all forms of OTC treatment (Although I haven't been able to determine conclusively that this is Potter induced... could be poison ivy.)

Suffers can be recognized by their glassy eyes, dazed expression, and incoherent speech. If they respond to questions by starting "Well, Dumbledore says..." or "My life is a lot like Sirius' in PoA" then they should be immediately diagnosed with the affliction.

Unfortunately, no cures have been established at this time, although symptoms do seem to be relieved by periods of unconsciousness (sleep, drug induced torpor, or coma) and vigorous shaking (either of the victim directly or by earth quake). One can only expect for this epidemic to become worse with the release of book 6, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince", in only 2 days, 13 hours, 47 minutes and counting, or movie 4, "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" which doesn't come out, alas, until November 2005.

Okay, so I'm on the road to becoming a financial wiz, and not a moron, but gosh, it's only taken me 29 and 3/4 years to figure out how to save money. And I've committed some real doosies along the way that make me feel so stupid, I have to get them off my chest. Mostly my problem is that I have been paying outrageously inflated prices for basic life services because I was too lazy to change, i.e. deal with bureaucracy and phone calls and forms and all. When I look at how much student loan debt I have, I wonder how much of it was the result of my willingness to pay inflated prices since money was so easy to come by. I mean, who of us with more than $20,000 in student loan debt didn't, on some level, think of it as "free money." Well, let's hope you consolidated, honey, 'cause $40,000 at 8.25% interest over ten years would cost you an additional $18,873. How's that for free? (Calculate your loan: )

Okay, so as a kind of financial numbskull confession, and a word of warning to everyone, here are my big mistakes.

Banking Fees: When I opened my bank account, I had just received my inheritance from my grandfather, which was fairly substantial, but not huge. So the account I got was some kind of Gold thing, with a monthly minimum of $2,000. Well, after a year or so, I had spent all the money and was below the minimum balance pretty much all the time. So I was charged fees of about $40 a month. Once, the fee even overdrew my account. By the time I figured out how much this was costing me, I was out over $500. Pretty lame, huh? But changing my account type did indeed take several months, since my bank is so crappy with the customer service. It was a real hassle, but kind of initiated me to the process of being pissed off at underlings who have no power and therefore bear little blame. I managed by continually harrassing one woman who made the mistake of giving me her extension number. Today, I have free checking.

No Collision Insurance: Part of what I blew my inheritance on was a used car of about $6,000. I paid cash for it. I had never owned a car or even learned how to drive prior to that point. I actually thought it was a "prudent" idea to skip the collision insurance on a car that had over 50,000 miles on it. So when I rear-ended someone and bent the whole frame of my car, it was pretty much totaled and I was out the cash I had spent on it. I sold it back to the used car dealer who had sold it to me. For $100. He fixed it up and put it back on the lot. For three grand.

Car Insurance In General: Pretty much the same story; having no experience, I took the first recommendation of the dealer and went to Ron Giovino in Kenmore and got a GMAC policy. Guess what? I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance. Yes, by switching to Geico. Over $400 a term, or nearly $900 a year. GMAC and the Giovino agents can go fuck themselves too, because they are the most backasswards and rude mo'fos I've ever dealt with. DON'T BUY YOUR INSURANCE FROM THEM!

Cell Phone: Last but not least, my cell phone catastrophe. Oh, God, you will think I'm so stupid. But really it takes a long time for these things to sink in with me. My mom had bought me a pay-as-you-go phone for Christmas in 2003. At first, I hardly used it and it was a good deal. Well, over the last 6 months I've been using it more for business. And personal calls. And then I moved and it became my only line for the time being. Well, I started to notice how often I was adding more money. Often. Finally today I switched to T-Mobile, so I can talk to my boyfriend for free and unlimited weekends and yadda yadda, sales pitch... for about $35 a month. My old Pay as you Go rate for the past 6 months? Average of about $86 per month. Yup. That's how dumb I've been. How really, really dumb.

So that's like what, about $10,000 wasted since 2003? A quarter of my debt, in fact. Just blown with the wind. But now, I am reforming. I'm becoming a serious coupon clipper. A "cheap Swede" like my sister. My new motto is "Never Pay Retail." I can tell you what's on sale at Tops right at this very moment. I do not have a credit card, nor do I want one. I am half way to paying my car off. And my debt, intimidating as it seems, is actually about average for someone with a professional Master's degree. So, you live, you lose, you learn. Hopefully now that I'm about to turn 30 and become, like, you know, a grown up, I'll be better about this shit. I mean sheesh. It's not like America is built on debt, or anything. Is it? (US Debt Clock: )

Lobsters of the world united today to protest the development of a robot lobster they fear will take their jobs trolling the ocean floor and fighting with claws. The robot lobster, called the "Lobot," was designed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, more commonly known as "DARPA" or "the DoD's tech spooks." The Lobot was revealed at a recent Wired convention, when it sparked outrage in the lobster union ranks. "What makes them think a machine can replace us? I mean look at its sorry excuse for claws! And it isn't even red!" remarked one upset lobster, just before being tossed into a pot of boiling water. He followed up by adding "Aaaaaacccccgghhh!! Boiling water!" but couldn't be reached later for comment.

Lobster labor lobbyists are organizing rallies around the world's oceans to prove to consumers and employers alike that there is no crustacean like a real crustacean. Thousands of lobsters were seen trundling around the shoreline and bobbing their eye stems angrily. Like many workers in today's technology-driven economy, they fear being replaced by a bigger, better, faster, mechanical sea-bug.

But DARPA designers seemed more interested in making their worm wiggle. "It was all about making them squirm," one DARPA developer said, referring to their prototype robot, and not the anxious egg-born versions. "The difference between animals and robots is robots get stuck while animals squirm their way through," said inventor-engineer Randolph Pinky of Phoenix Online University. "It's amazing what you can do with a glob of nerve endings." Pinky wouldn't comment on whether or not lobsters feel pain when boiled. "That's too metaphysical for me," he said "I'm a scientist." He then wrestled a fellow engineer to the floor for control of the joystick.

In their defense, DARPA representatives stated that the Lobot was not designed to replace natural lobsters. Instead, it will be employed by the Department of Defense to scan the sea floor for under sea mines. "As with most cutting edge technology" said one DARPA official "the robot lobster is all about 'kill or be killed'. We have to make sure we keep the bottom of the ocean free from terror. There are caves down there too, you know."

As for lobster connoisseurs, they say there's nothing better than the real thing. New York City chef Lalique Quizlo obtained a version of the $2 million robot lobster, as well as a two pound beauty he bought for just under $20 at the fish market. He boiled them both and smothered them in butter sauce. After the sparks died down, he attempted to take a bite of the metal and wiring of the robot lobster, but soon spit the bits out onto his plate. "No doubt about it, I support the natural lobster's fight" he said, while enthusiastically ripping its tail off.

Calls to Red Lobster went unreturned, although rumors that they will partner with the government to open a "Red Lobot" continue to circulate. The B-52's are said to be considering a "Rock Lobot" remix in time for DARPA's annual Summer Fun Strategic Redevelopment Retreat in Ogunquit, Maine.



Read More:

So I got an email today that read:

The subject of your painting "Giantess" has intrigued
me.

Assuming that you are the artist of this work, would
you mind sharing with me what inspired you to paint
this? Do you have any other works involving a
Giantess?

And was signed by a nice person who included their name and email. But I couldn't help replying:

Hello [Name],
Thanks for your interest. I am the artist of the work, and I am in fact a
giantess. At nearly 200 feet in height, like most artists I have trouble fitting in. I guess that was the inspiration.

Thanks!
Holly

I also asked where they saw the painting. I think it must be here on ole elmwoodstrip!

I have only two concerns: maybe they are a gallery dealer and I just screwed up. Or maybe they are a giant too and looking for fun with a big gal like me!

So most of you must have gotten the MoveOn.org petition notice about the funding cuts for PBS and NPR. But the shakedown has been going on pretty much ever since Kenneth Tomlinson was appointed chairman of the Corporation for Pulic Broadcasting. He investigated the political bias of NOW with Bill Moyers' guests, and today it was revealed that he paid lobbyists basically off the books to influence legislation that would have given local stations more control of the Corporation. Maybe you consider yourself so "indy" that even PBS and NPR are too centrist for you, but you'd be wrong about the role that such broadcasting serves in the current media climate and how as a public trust it represents the best of what a partnership between government and the people can create. So what can you do if you live for and love your PBS as much as I do? Well, here's a few things: Write letters and make calls. Contact your Congressman. Mine is Brian Higgins:

27th district of New York:
Congressman Brian Higgins

431 Cannon House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
phone: 202-225-3306
fax: 202-226-0347

In the event that the funding cut proposal passes the House, beat the Senate to it:
Contact Chuck Shumer:
Contact Hillary Clinton:

Write to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and demand Tomlinson's resignation. I did! It was fun! Send mail to comments@cpb.org

Greetings,
I am writing to demand the resignation of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting Chairman Kenneth Tomlinson for violating the CPB's commitment to political objectivity and for working in an underhanded manner to subvert the CPB's mission. Chairman Tomlinson represents exactly the kind of partisan political interference that the CPB is designed to prevent. In addition, he has violated the ethics of the corporation by contracting independent lobbyist to undermine the role that stations play in the direction of the Corporation (Labaton, Stephen. "Lobbyists' Role for Public TV Is Investigated", NY Times 16 June 2005). His successful campaign to have Bill Moyers removed from the air also represents his bad-faith and back-door methods for turning the CPB from centrist, balanced media toward a right-wing agenda. According to a study conducted by the CPB itself, a plurality of viewers surveyed in 2003 found no political bias in Public Broadcasting. But that measure, Tomlinson's cry of "left" surely leads one to conclude that he is nothing if not "right."

These ethically questionable methods are being followed up by his recommendation of former RNC co-chairwoman Patricia de Stacy Harrison for President of the CPB (Farhi, Paul. "Front-Runner for Public Broadcast Agency Job Is Former GOP Chair" Washington Post 9 June 2005). If Chairman Tomlinson is so concerned with political bias in Public Broadcasting, how then can he endorse a Republican politico currently employed by the White House? Who has little to no experience in broadcasting except as the President's promoter? It goes without saying that her appointment would be the very definition of a conflict of interest for a media outlet that purports to be free from political influence.

Today the Congress of the United States received a recommendation to cut funding for Public Broadcasting by a full quarter of its budget. At this time, we viewers and listeners need leaders at the CPB who are proponents of the excellent and entertaining programming we have come to count on. What we don't need are leaders who are so clearly proponents for one political viewpoint, as Tomlinson is and de Stacy Harrison would be as well. For the cultural well being of our communities and for the long-life of Public Broadcasting, I feel it is my duty to inform you of these viewpoints, and to demand Tomlinson's resignation.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Holly A. Johnson
Buffalo, NY

Lastly, read up and get pissed:
NY Times: "Lobbyists' Role for Public TV Is Investigated"
Washington Post: "Front-Runner for Public Broadcast Agency Job Is Former GOP Chair"
Hands Off Public Broadcasting at Media Matters for America:
"Take Public Broadcasting Back" by Bill Moyers at Common Dreams

Please help by making a call or sending an angry mail. PR people have some kind of algorithm for determing how many people are pissed off when one person does something like call or write. It's like 20 to 1 or something. So if 20 of us write the CPB or call our Representatives, that's practically like the 400,000 MoveOn signatures all over again!

And to find out what's on tonight, go to WNED.org. Battlefield Britain is one of my new favorites. Interactive maps! Oh, it goes without saying that you should also give your station money. Remember "For the People" requires a little "By the People" after all.

Well, I kinda want to tell you a funny story since I'm here at work and trying to waste time, but every time I try to start writing it I can't finish. I think my typing muscles have atrophied now that it's summer.

OK, so the story. It might be funnier if you know them, but My mom and my sister Cintra were in town yesterday for my niece's graduation. After a long day, they came over to see my new apartment and weren't ready to leave until it was almost 11pm. My mom has years of driving experience since I've always gone away to school and she drove me, so it was decided that she would drive the 2 hours home to Pennsylvania. She opened the driver's side door to the truck with the keys, then she said "Open your door Cinny" and whipped the keys right at my sister's head. Cintra, without even turning her head or blinking, flung her hand up and caught the keys in mid air just before they gouged out her eye. I was like "Whoa, Mom, you're gonna hurt someone" and we were all laughing. So then my Mom says, "Oh that's our new game." See, my sister had said that women never throw things, they always hand them. So to prove a point (and then some) my Mom has started to throw everything she can, as fast as she can, and without warning. And Cintra never misses. Apparently this is great fun for them. Or an outlet for their pent up aggression! See, this is why I didn't want to write this story. It's hard to understand the side-splitting, tearing-up hilarity of these little Johnson family scenarios unless you really know us.

But, for those of you who know us, we're dying for a camping trip to the Mines... Why not even the weekend after next? June 17th?

Well, for the first time since I moved to Buffalo, I'm moving to a new apartment. It will be sad to leave the little closet I've lived in for 3 years, but it will be an improvement. The new place is on the corner of Parkside and Hertel. Hertel is my favorite street in Buffalo, no offence to Elmwood intended. But Hertel is more diverse and less commercial. You get as many people out walking the streets and sitting at sidewalk cafes, but not all of them are yuppie moms in birkenstock clogs, or student hippies, also in birkenstock clogs, come to think of it. You know, middleclass types who think they're environmentalist just because they wear fleece and forego those cardboard coffecup insulators. Hertel is more like a real urban neighborhood, with the old established Italian retaurants shouldering up with Halaal butchers. It encapsulates my little hopeful vision for Buffalo: a city that preserves its everyday gems (the Northpark theater) along with the bustling changes of a cosmopolitan community. It will be nice to look out on the corner from my 2nd floor porch and watch the neighborhood ebb and flow, come and go.

I'm also going to be moving in with my boyfriend, which is scary, but at this point it just seems practical. I mean, why keep paying for two places when we are only ever in one at a time, together. I really care about Matt in like a romantic way, obviously, but the more level-headed part of me just thinks its so much more practical to be in a dedicated relatinship than it is to be alone. There's no poem about how much money it saves you, or how someday you'll get to be on his health insurance, but hey, when you get to be my age, nothing is more thrilling than saving a ton of money. Not even sex maybe. Unless you have some kind of hooker coupon that gets you a reduced rate or something. Then you'd be both sexy AND frugal.

Of course, we have to move on May 1st, and I have major school projects due April 28th and May 2. But I have like the worst senioritis ever. Fuck school. I've like cut like every class I could for like the past month. I just can't sit through anymore of it, even if it is good for me. Forget it! I just want to do my own projects and read what I want and just go to work and shit. But then again I did spend a couple of hours today googling current Berkeley Rhetoric PhD students to see how I hold up against their stellar CVs, but apparently they're too busy being geniuses to learn some HTML, since I can't find anything good on any of them... Me, on the other hand, I've already had an illustrious career as a pop star. Just go to www.hollyjohnson.com and see.