Okay so I'm fairly better but not perfect. I wonder in general about the solipsistic self-pitying nature of journaling these days. I think if we had witnessed the great fire of Chicago or roomed with Peggy Guggenheim or something equally exciting we might have had more interesting things to say. But how do I know that YOU aren't someone futurally famous or infamous or at least interesting (which you KNOW you are) and maybe I don't know it and here I am writing about my poopy existence while stories I could be telling about you may someday be valuable to navel-gazing future grad students like myself. Oooh did you see how that circled right back around again! TO ME!
Anyways, the most exciting thing in my life that has been happening lately are my dreams which is not so exciting to you because as the great Built to Spill song says "No one wants to hear/ What you dreamt about/ Unless you dreamt about/ They-em." Well I haven't dreamt about anyone I know but maybe a bit in amalgamations-- no one but everyone I love, hate, hurt, for, fall, frustrate, futile. You know. That guy.
But there was this one earlier in the week, you see I have these fake birds in my room with real feathers. A fake cardinal on my dresser flapping and taking off. And a very grim Crow (courtesy of our Poe party) perched on a curtain rod (qwrok! nevermore!) So I had a dream that there was this strange blue-black bird with a puffy chest who had been mounted on a wooden plaque and hung on the wall but it was ALIVE and it would move around and peck at the air and I was horrified and kept thinking its intestines its lungs how how can I kill it its an abomination oh god should I strangle it or club it... sooo terrible!!!!!
Is that too much of my psyche for all y'all out there? I could talk about sex if I was having any, the acceptable unacceptable conversation to have on not-so-anonymous chat rooms. But here's the scary part. I'm pretty sure my bird dream WAS about sex!!! WAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Oh also, in regards to my previous posting about giving it all up and moving to a commune, two sundays ago in the NYT magazine saint Noam said something to the extent of "well I wouldn't feel like I was doing the world any good if I just lived in Montana and grew my own food" or something like that. So I'm off to say four Hail Emmas and an Our Guevara to repent...

Waaaaa... i'm whiny today, which is probably why i'm actually going to add a journal entry! gasp! plus i'm looking at another 6 hours left in my 8 hour office day. that's my first complaint. work. why work? why can't we fuel the planet with corn? or better yet, hemp? and what about technology! wasn't it supposed to free us? because its not really work I dislike. i like doing things, making things, modifying my environments, both conceptual and physical, but its the money that alienates me from it all, go figure. i was stressing this morning because i own this new car which means that all my plans have been blown to hell and also, i will always have to work to pay for the piece of shit. a practically new vehicle i just got, and already the fan belt is going chirp chirp chirp, and i really don't have time to deal with it. i know i know. i shouldn't have bought the thing. or i should just sell the thing. but honestly i don't know what to do. i just drive it to school and work and go about my business.

The other put-it-all-into-perpective bit is that my mom just had surgery on monday-- got a new hip since her old one was plum wore out. it was pretty stressful since she was in so much pain after the operation. it really isn't a good thing to see your mom hurting so bad, i hope no one else has to go through it. but the good news is by the next day she was better and in the long run this will greatly improve her life-- no more limp! yeah! my mom is a tough broad. she's been through a lot and always come out stronger, so i think this will be a good change for her.

But being home made me realize how out of the "real" world i am, and how we've always all dreamed of leaving this "real" world for the realer one of living by ourselves on a farm back in the woods. funny that this is my libertarian-family's dream and my ultra-leftist comrades' dreams. why the fuck don't we just do it then! paul and i were saying that if we had added up all the money we've taken out on student loans and had used it to buy land instead we'd have the most beautifullest wind-powered tech-driven off-the-grid commune-ity anyone has ever seen! instead i'm here, toeing the line, contributing my ever-diminshing life force to the academy, an institution just like any other institution, and making no difference in anyone's life except my own, and even then the effects right now seem mostly negative (more debt, more attitude, more platitudes...)

agghhh!! i just want to never own anything (buy anything, or sell anything hee hee) ever again! i just wanna write the great goddam american novel fer chrissakes! is that so wrong?

Sorry there are no stories with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no adventures with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no dreams with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no wishes with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no flashes with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no napes of the neck with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no revelations with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no major whether changes with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no finsihed novels with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no first-hand accounts of salt water swimming with the last 30 days!Sorry there are no fancy mix drinks with the last 30 days!Sorry there are no bugs with the last 30 days!Sorry there are no whispers with the last 30 days!Sorry there are no withins with the last 30 days! Sorry there are no entries with the last 30 days!

hells bells people! can't a person not write a journal without something not good being said about them? can you not think in double negatives or can you it makes me brain sting. s'raining. s'marvelous? my belly's full, thanks to terry, i've got a nice wine buzz, thanks to menage a trois, but ders hours to go before i sleep. dolly is scary. holly is hairy. HA! aww my. i'm out.