nice cloud, eh? don't get these around these parts...


love fires...not as much as beavis used to, but they still rock out pretty hard...


the results of a long day of being busy doing nothing important...



a bit of the peeps enjoying the band on the fourth...wish we could have kept them outside, but the rain wasn't very cool to us...oh well, a great time anyway...

first thing...every time i try to upload a new user pic, my comp just goes to a white screen forever and it never uploads...any help? i know its within size limits, etc...

anyway, a question mark seems to be pretty accurate in describing my current outlook. it shouldn't i guess, but it does. i'm moving into a new house this weekend, the upper of a double i just bought (my first house!) and, at 23, this seems to me like a pretty big thing. i don't know any friends that own a home that aren't married, and i'm far from it. but moreover, i'm semi-reeling from a past relationship.

we were great friends for years b4 we started dating three years ago. we decided to take a break back in november, mutually, or as mutally as things can be when your partner says, "do you think maybe we outta take a break?". since, i've bounded from utter despair to complete happiness, a few times. in the last month, as we've stayed friends, she has made it clear there will be no togetherness again in the foreseeable future, much as i have recently begun to wish there would be. the fact that the breakup has been so drawn out, and my mind has been in so many other places and melding with so many others peoples', it has definitely been a rollercoaster.

but now that i have to come to terms with the fact that i will not be getting back together in the end, it is overshadowing everything. i wish i could be as detached from my feelings as she seems to be, but then maybe i'm hopelessly assuming she still has those feelings.

nonetheless, we continue to hang on occassion, having just last night gotten some India Gate deliciousness. i'm starting to become unnervingly comfortable talking to her about trials and tribulations with others of the opposite sex, much to the form of the days of old, before we had gotten together. unnerving, because my emotions are still so mixed. i'm trying to hide it, from her or myself, im not sure, if only to make this friendship work. sigh...

sorry for laying that on whoever is reading this. i had to lay it upon somebody. i guess, this being the first real relationship i didn't personally end, i'm feeling the effects of rejection that always accompany being held at arms length when all you want to do is sneak up and wrap your arms around your other.

onward and upward, however, and i have an ungodly amound of packing and cleaning to do, so sleep well, e-peeps, maybe i'll swing to pink next thursday, and introduce...lata

ahh, another crazy weekend...i got to welcome my cousin back from the, i'm sure, horror of middle america, as he has decided to move back home to Buffalo. he's got this country-twang to his speech now, i couldn't stop laughing when he was talking. it's only been 8 years! poor guy. that was friday night, after softball, a game my team should have won. we played the only team in the league that has yet to lose, the sherriff's team, and they 'won' 14-13. but how do you fight with the fuzz? As always, we went to the Buffalo St. Bar and Grill, on Louisianna St., afterwards. i made apparent my anger at the loss to the cops with stern looks of disapproval from my table on the deck outside, whenever they meandered my way. if you're ever without something to do early on a friday evening, stop by the bar. John the owner/only bartender is a great guy, and he cooks up a mean steak sandwich.

the rest of the weekend was drinking, sleep, subs, a night out in franklinville, paintball, a family party and chinese, in that order.

i drew this boat for no real reason, but i'm sure it has powerful psychological implications. if anyone would like to make me aware of those, i would appreciate any help i can get in the fight against me. thank you.

gonna relax and catch a flick on the couch tonight, i think. tommorrow the packing begins! what fun...

someday i'll know what this is
someday i'll realize the reasons
someday i'll see you had the courage to do what i couldn't

until then i'm filled with doubts and regret, emotions ushering their way in that should have ended months ago.
i hope this makes you happy. i know i'm not, but things change. i hope it makes me happy too.

143

-it seems that the older i get, the harder it is to break old habits. i don't care that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. i just wish you could teach him to forget some old ones.
-there is so much good music out there right now nowhere near being played on a radio station, it makes me sick. thank god for buffalos independent music stores and enlightened musical culture, for without them I'd surely be astray...
-went to the bisons game today with a couple of friends and my former other half...i miss her more than i want to let myself admit...i think it would be overly dramatic to quote the smiths' song 'please, please, please', but the tune plays through my head whenever i think about the situation. it wouldn't be the first time, but i'd appreciate it a bit more the second time around, i think. i hope.
-'i love the nineties' is HUGE among almost everyone i hang out with. i don't watch much tv, but i am finding myself wasting time there on the couch when its on, as well...
-if they re-institute the draft, im going to war. i'll sign up the next day. better me than some poor guy who really shouldn't be in the situation. goddam Bush for forcing me to choose between my ideologies and my brethren.
-i could use the discipline, anyway.
-i'm getting ready for a move...i'm buying a house in the delaware/hertel area, so i'll sadly be leaving my apartment on the strip. with two weeks until i have to be out of this place, the pressure is starting to build to get the closing date moved from the 'tenative' category to the 'definite' category. this next month is gonna be insane.
-i hate money.
-i love money.
-goodnight.

I've just returned from this years only vacation (...sigh) at my family's cabin on Rushford Lake. The return to work has been better than I had expected, but I can't help thinking of the wonderful week I had out there. Lots of thanks to the Gravity Thieves, who really made the Fourth of July party a great time. To anyone reading this, look for them in Artvoice because they're astounding musicians that are putting on some great shows around the city.
Anyway, I should have pics up from Rushford soon. Stay tuned...