Z Cavaricci! LOL!!!

Wow, (e:vincent,48610) your post just took me back 17 years or so!
agreed (e:paul)- awesome journal (e:vincent). Of course, I really had been there pretty much at the same time as you! This is the only time that a mall brings positive feelings.

I wrote a comment in response, but found it getting much too long, so I've opted to post it as a journal (pretty much everything written here was in the comment box!). I kept writing because I simply found myself sitting here thinking back to those days and how a single public structure was the catalyst for so much fun experience and later nostalgia.

Please don't mind my piggy-backing off your post, (e:vincent). All kudos to you for mentioning it!

And so, I have to chime in, as should (e:ladycroft) and (e:pyrcedgrrl)!

The arcade located at the main entrance that also housed the food court was the hub of activity for 12-17 year olds. Walking back and forth ('doing laps')along the simple one floor straight stretch layout provided mass opportunity for socialization, flirting and following/keeping track of cute guys/gals from both our home school and local area schools we'd yet to know about. (ie; "Sweet Home, where is that?!'- is it long distance to call you?")

Shopping was the least of the activities, although when we (girls) did, it was off to "The Limited" for the highly coveted Forenza and OutBack Red (brand tags were on the outside allowing proof of brand purchase) The shoe store, "Whites" was the only place to buy our Tretorns and penny loafers. Any place else even if the same brand, was not the approved protocol. We used our status symbol post-purchase empty store bags to carry our gym clothes to (and through the) school. I'm thinking some people still do- and it has nothing to do with recycling.

It was more than ok to be a 'preppy'- so at the time it was considered a really good thing to visually blend in. I was a full blown "preppy"- and like everyone else, raised my nose in the air to anyone who was a "grub". In a nutshell, it was more than clothes- being preppy embodied being on the honor roll, being active in clubs, not smoking cigarettes, being clean looking and shopping the "in" stores. Oh and the appearance of money (I gag on all this now, snicker at those still holding close those 'values', but I digress.) A Grub was essentially the opposite. They stood outside before and after school sneaking cigarettes, wore a lot of dark non descript clothing, had mediocre or poor grades, but were probably much more authentic in comparison. Obviously there are much more deeper levels to the difference and sameness of each 'category', and what any of that really meant- but I'm relaying what I remember of the perceptions of a 15 year old. However, even then I remember that my thoughts, actions and words often belied a much more wise and non conformist undertone- a non-preppiness, I guess. I recall you stood out from the crowd in that manner as well. I always appreciated that in you and the small handful of others that existed.

anyway, back to the mall....
How often a bunch of kids would walk back and forth between the interior mall cinema and the "general cinema" across the street, to see where the best movies and movie times were? That theater has been long gone, sadly.

I remember having 'dinner and a movie' dates at that York Steak house you mentioned and then walking across the hall to the theater. One time in particular I remember seeing, the River Phoenix film "A Night in the Life of Jimmy Rearden" with Todd K. on a date. His mom was with us! We were 13.

As for McCrory's-yeh, that was a cool little crap store, one of the first stores anyone would see after leaving the food court, and just to the side of the cinema. And yes, (e:vincent) the image of the ICEE machine still is still clear in my memory. It was convenient to wander in there and stock up on candy before heading into the theater. Also, it was the store that many kids tried out their first stealing attempts.

Many of my mall adventures were with (e:ladycroft). It was a big thing for us to head out to the mall on a friday night. Our parents were often reticent to drive us, so we would often beg her bigger sister to take us along with her on her way to work, which was at the mall! (a shoe store, maybe Payless, i think?)

the main mall entrance had/has a convenient and safe spot to quickly pull up and drop off then later pick up. good times!

(e:ladycroft) and I usually bought and shared a cheap order of fries and a drink from Tijuana Taco during the course of the evening. Any other money we brought with us was usually wasted at the Arcade. I wonder how many miles we logged walking that mall?

You pegged the time line correctly in it going down-hill from 1994 on. I remember working there at GNC, and sometimes I would be shipped over the The Factory Outlet (now Prime Outlets or something like that). And I hated going over there because it was a dead mall. No one was ever there! It looked like it was sure to close, especially compared to the ever hopping Summit Park Mall. Then.... the two situations switched. The Summit became a dying mall and the Outlet began to thrive.

The construction of The Galleria Mall in '89 didn't help matters, it seemed.

I've been in "The Summit" a few times this year for some small business work shops. I thought it interesting that the mall held very few stores but several community related sites and a barrage of mall walkers. I thought that this could be a very good thing if marketed correctly. That it should be used less as a walk-in take a chance shopping complex (ie traditional mall) and more of a dedicated spot of specific and/or business & community offerings. Something that people go their intentionally. Also, the building and lots are clean, lots of parking, convenient location, a structure that is still in great condition and is aesthetically pleasing etc.. I wonder what the plan is now?


well, again, thanks for the trip down memory lane, (e:vincent)!

ever have so many things on your mind, so many things going on, so many thoughts- whether any of them are interesting, humdrum or whatever, but you want to share, to write to keep connected, then the effort of doing so just leads to squat?

yeh, that's me right now.

even the mental effort to read posts and write comments can't get through the mental sludge.

Staying up all night and sleeping a few hours in the late morning is frying my brain. I swear I have dumbed-down these past few weeks. But all is worth it to help family to this degree temporarily. (e:theecarey,48091) & (e:theecarey,48112)

Not sure how much more I can stretch it out though- never been good on "overnights", and it really does make the rest of my life unbalanced, as any of you that have had that sort of schedule knows. Again, for better or worse, it won't be much longer. It has been a good experience and to look back on the situation later on, I will have been happy to have contributed my time and effort.

I can't imagine being in my 90's, healthy overall, but slowly losing pieces of my mind, for real. Dementia is fascinating- clear moments nestled between increasingly scattered and confusing ones. It must be frustrating to have less and less control, and everything that you have ever known to be on the edge of feeling/being lost forever. Sometimes the person experiences a whole new day, going through the motions, re learning expectations, having more experiences, then lose it all just to start it all over again the next morning.

Sometimes that would be nice right?

But then old thoughts creep in, making conflict with
current thought. Probably like having that sensation of wanting/having/trying to remember something on the tip of your tongue, but just out of reach- always.

And then to have people familiar and unfamiliar to come into and out of your life every day, on some level overseeing what you do, telling you what to do and/or helping you to do some of the most basic things. Sometimes you can do it on your own, sometimes you can't, and you know it, and it sucks. Having less control after a long life of taking care of yourself and your family must be incredibly.. frustrating, sad, etc.

And so, with other family members, I do what I can. I'm there to offer safety, look over the house, regular night checks, complete simple chores, listen to him talk, assist him when I can and should, oversee meds, take him to a day program in the morning, and whatever else is needed. I try not to interfere with his routines or self help skills, as I firmly believe that he doesn't need to have someone on top of him. I hang in the background as much as I can and step in when it seems that I should (such as when he puts on several pairs of underwear in varying configurations, tries to put one pair of shoes on over another as he failed to realize he already has a pair of shoes on, etc).

He has a great sense of humor and he often makes me laugh.

And so, one day at a time for me as well. I try to get things done in my own life- so many projects that require my attention, and they have more or less been suspended until I can re devote my time to them. This includes gym time. In time, I will get back to all of it. Just need some good night time, rejuvenating sleep. My brain just feels so fuzzy-things are often just on the tip of my tongue as well, these days. As I was explaining to (e:pyrcedgrrl), I want to go from point A to B, but some how forget about B, and end up at point E, M and Z or nowhere at all.

But its all good.

Sometimes when we are in the middle of something, it seems so big, daunting and permanent, but really, in hindsight, it was a very small piece of time in our lives, a tiny fragment of the bigger picture.
I often remind myself of that when I go through things. I also have the propensity to bail when things are rough, boring, awkward or any other non stimulating uncomfortable situation that you can think of. Not all, but in recent self reflection, there have been times that i have now known this to be true.
So with this, I am challenging myself to hang in there.

and I will.

ack been sick.

everyone I know has been sick, and normally I can bypass the effects of shared germs by getting extra sleep. When I don't sleep, I'm screwed.

I have been taking care of a friend of the family at night. He is 90 years old. His wife of the same age is in the hospital recuperating from a fall. She is mentally with it and sprite. He has some mild dementia that leaves him a little confused at times. Each day is almost a new day. Some things carry over, sometimes I am listening to the same loop of conversation. Anyway, between family and friends, someone is with him all the time. He goes to a day program then visits his beloved wife (who he is insanely in love with- if nothing else he remembers that everyday) in the evening. At night, someone stays over. He tends to not sleep all night and needs reminders to do a few hygiene things in the morning. Someone is there to pretty much ensure his safety in case he falls or something. Not to interfere too much or take away his independence. Just be there.

So I have been helping out 4 nights a week. I figure that it is temporary (until she gets back home) and it greatly helps everyone out. Although I can fall asleep if I want, I find it very hard to do so.
1. it isn't my own place
2. the tiny couch is uncomfy
3. He is asleep by nine or so then up for a few hours by midnight, then on and off regularly the remainder of the night. I'm definitely awake when he is.

Some nights I can doze off for an hour at a time for a combined and broken 2-3 hours max. Thats a good night. I go home in the morning and eventually grab three hours of straight solid sleep. That really messes with me!

I'm not complaining- just leading up to my being sick this weekend. As when everyone around me was getting sick, I ended up the same, especially after a few sleepless nights. Pretty much a cold- snots, stuffed nose, achy eyes, disconnected feeling.

Overall I'm not concerned about the lack of sleep situation, as it is temporary (otherwise couldn't continue for long term), and this gentleman is such a joy to be around.A true personal learning experience.

I've never been around "older" people. Actually, I am rarely if ever around anyone on either side of my life age continuum- ie; no one especially advanced in age or babies/toddlers. My grandparents died around the time of my birth, I have little family so no babies around, and my friends don't have/don't want kids- so no babies lurking around. I don't personally want any and the youngest kid I am around now a days is my boyfriends 3 yr old son, whom I see/hang out with on part of the weekend.

For the oldest I am around on occasion would be my aunt and uncle who are 70, so I guess that could count, but they are so young, hip, worldly and energetic that I have in my mind that that is the standard for that age. Maybe it is, if not, I hope to be just like them.

But 90- wow. It is surreal to think how much someone of that age has seen and gone through. For those that are healthy and mentally clear, I imagine it to be quite an experience to look back on their lives and realize what things were important and what things were stupid time wasters. What are the regrets, what are the moments of satisfaction that carried throughout the years?
and what it must be like to fade away, if you happen to suffer from mild dementia. Some times you are there, sometimes not, sometimes you hover in between. It must be difficult to watch someone you love hang there too. As dementia worsens, they aren't dying per se, but they are slipping away. That is scary.

So this has made me think of my own mortality lately..

where I want my life to go, what I want to put more effort into, what I want to put less effort into, what matters, what really doesn't, what sort of care and prospects do I want/need if I happen to get into late geriatric years. Also, what do I want to leave behind in terms of who I am... and does it matter?

So those are some of my thoughts as of late.

that and which netbook I plan to purchase this week. Asus? Acer? HP? Dell? I'd like to keep it cheap. My laptop is working at the moment and is why I can post, but I need something asap for the next round of when it doesn't work.


Well, right now, I have to get ready to head back out to his place. Being sick and sleeping part of the day, I have totally missed out on the nicer, warmer sunnier weather. Hope you have been enjoying it!

I'm sitting here looking at my user pic. I was musing over the events surrounding it when I thought more about the time frame. My user pic is one that I took with my phone (pocket pc 8125) over two years ago.

That was when I lived with (e:Paul), (e:Matthew), and (e:Terry).

wow, how time has passed!

Also, I am sitting at the same desk that is in that picture. I loved sitting at my desk, in my room, working on various writing and creative projects. The second hand desk was an important part of my little world. A lovely large Salvation Army find, now so long ago.

When I moved out, my beloved desk was shoved into my garage, left to sit and collect dust ever since. I was planning on selling it, until I had the notion recently to bring it inside my house. I had moved the furniture around my living room a bit, and now had a very empty large space. Which in most cases I prefer. Simple surroundings is a preference.

But I needed a better work space. I often used my dining room table, but that is a little out of the way (and cold), despite my loving the room it is in. I have a pseudo office slash exercise room slash cat litter box slash throw all room, but it isn't inviting to my needs at all. So usually I sat on the comfy couch with my laptop and just hooked up the printer as needed. My coffee table always in some sort of office like disarray.

yuck, clutter.

Couch is good, very comfy even, and likely preferred for mindless surfing, but now that I moved my desk in, and my comfy computer chair, I am loving it so much more. I normally hate sitting at a desk. I am tall with a long torso, so often desks, counter tops etc are too low, even with lowered seating, putting a strain on my back. It puts me into a forced bad posture. This desk sits high, and my chair is low, so my back is happy with good (ok, better) posture.

Now all I want to do is sit at my desk with a mug of coffee and write.

even my coffee tastes better sitting here.

and that's a good thing.

kinda dorky, but I bet some of you relate in some way :)

came from a LOL meme, but made me feel more sappy than anything.

• sniff*

Blogging. Public. (often)Personal. Informative.
Incriminating?

I usually write as I think. Not too concerned with spelling, grammar or flow of thought. My writing is usually for me, even with the awareness that there is an audience somewhere, it isn't enough to edit anything of what or how I write. Only once here do I recall making a post private after ranting, blowing off steam about family and religion. For various reasons, I couldn't keep it "out there" for long. However, most everything else is out there for good, for better or worse in any form that I present it. If I were more conscientious of what I wrote I would either not write at all or I would be more productive and acclaimed. But I am neither, and I just sit somewhere in the middle, fluctuating in my style, voice, content, basic English writing ability and presentation. Often my writing aim is vacillating between the effects of buckshot and that of a sharpshooter.

Only recently have I really wondered about who reads my stuff and more specifically, who among my family and close friends, if any? I never really put it out there where I write, but this past year or so, I have added visible links to some of the places I write or mentioned it in conversations, or showed them something on my laptop. Have they checked it out beyond that? Would I be made to know if they had? Would I care? Do I?

There are a lot of journals out there. Over time, I have written at estrip (obviously), at two of my LiveJournal accounts, two Myspace accounts and a blogspot/blogger account. Facebook format (and all that it is, sorry) annoyed me too much, and the old Friendster format has long been abandoned, although blogs still exist there (I've been lazy in removing them, or bothering to log in). Pen/Paper journals are not included as part of this discuss, but there are many of them, tucked away). Those sites that I listed are the main ones, anyways, for longer random write-ups. Then there are the less regular yet more specific posts at political, art, theater, writing and book oriented sites. It is weird, when on occasion someone has stumbled upon a blog, or when they have intentionally sought it out, to be made aware of it. I used to have estrip distinctly linked to many of the other blog place and/or social network sites- which was good and bad. Good for some readership in general, (and the ensuing comments, private messages etc), bad for the 'stalkerishness' of some readers I came to know about. Due to the increasing of the latter, and the location and familiarization of the context of this blog (and site in general), I took down the link. That was awhile ago, and a lot of those issues have simmered down, respectively. A lot of readers still find me here (via related and unrelated searches), but it is with good intent. Maybe now I can re link again.

I happened to be in a conversation today with my mom that benefited from my showing her some pictures and accompanying write up from a few old posts. This made me realize that she has not been privy to my writing world, well, not my blog world, anyways. Not in the way that reading to her/showing her would allow. So in contemplating all this, it is what brings me to writing this post today. It is one thing to wonder about who reads your stuff quite another to know for sure, and how that makes me feel. It isn't bad nor good, just kind of weird. The known difference between fluid conversation and interaction and those that are electronically 'set in stone' and limited in personal nuance.

The writings in this blog from the past year and a half have been topical; nothing too deep or revealing. It is the first 2 years that has much more depth, reflection and insight into me. Still an insignificant snapshot compared to all that it there, all that I 'contain', but still a view inside nonetheless.

In hindsight, it really doesn't matter who reads what. It is humbling to know that people do, especially those that do so on purpose. (thank you)

I'd like to pull more of my writing into one accessible spot- something that anyone can read, if they choose. Something that is easier for even myself to look back on, refer to, track and make mental notes on.

We do a lot of living 'out there'
but we have a lot of it documented right 'here'.

Happy Wednesday, folks.

Tomorrow is the big day! I can't imagine what it is like right now at and around the Capitol. Some may find this helpful:

Inaugural Event Viewing Schedule.


and one of many articles read this evening- a refresher on Lincoln's speech,which the phrase,"A New Birth of Freedom" taken from it is the theme to this inauguration.

The Huffington Post 1/19/09 Nico Pitney


[box]Barack Obama will be sworn in as president just days before the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth, and his inauguration theme will reflect the timing: "A New Birth Of Freedom," a phrase from the Gettysburg Address.

From Lincoln's speech:

The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
From the press release announcing the theme from Sen. Dianne Feinstein, chair of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies:

"A New Birth of Freedom" commemorates the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth. The words come from the Gettysburg address, and express Lincoln's hope that the sacrifice of those who died to preserve the nation shall lead to "a new birth of freedom" for our nation.


The inaugural theme, which was selected by Senator Feinstein and the members of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, will be woven through the inaugural ceremonies. The theme is traditionally linked to a major anniversary, and in her announcement Senator Feinstein spoke of the appropriateness of the chosen theme to our present day circumstances, particularly in light of the historic election of Senator Barack Obama.

In addition to Senator Feinstein, the members of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies include: Senator Bob Bennett, Ranking Member of the Senate Rules Committee; Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid; Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi; House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer; and House Republican Leader John Boehner.

"At a time when our country faces major challenges at home and abroad, it is appropriate to revisit the words of President Lincoln, who strived to bring the nation together by appealing to 'the better angels of our nature'," Senator Feinstein said. "It is especially fitting to celebrate the words of Lincoln as we prepare to inaugurate the first African-American president of the United States."

"On January 20, as President-elect Obama takes the oath of office, he will look across the National Mall toward the Lincoln Memorial, where the sixteenth president's immortal words are inscribed. Although some inaugural traditions have changed since Lincoln's time, the swearing-in ceremony continues to symbolize the ideals of renewal, continuity, and unity that he so often expressed."
[/box]

EDIT: original blog is located below, simply titled, Reagan Diaries. I added, "Conversations with Self pt1" originally written 8/29/07 and posted at www.myspace.com/marquiscut
I add it here for prosperity.

Conversations with Self pt1

"If the extent of my knowledge was limited strictly to formal education, than I would really know nothing at all". ~Carey, 1998


The thought came to me today, "(You) will go on a sabbatical".

But haven't I, essentially, been on one?

"Over the course of your life and more specifically in the past year, you have been to a lot of places, but it has been a few months since you have really pushed out the edges of your mind. And that is really where you want to go; that is where the experience is. Your initial sabbatical presented your freedom, this one, will reinforce it."

Well, what of these past few months, were they for naught?

"Everything serves to enhance your experience. There are no coincidences; there is a reason. There is no 'lost time'; not when you have been listening, observant, asking questions, feeling and knowing. Continue to probe deeply into subjects that intrigue you, bring you into your element; it is there that you will see yourself."

What's that last part about?

"Everyone has a picture in their head of who they are. They can see what they look like, what they are doing, what their surroundings look and feel like and generally what their life is like and how they would like it to be. That picture is a snap shot of something very real, yet how often is it far from what IS, today? Choices made bring people further or closer to that picture. However, you are there, but now seeking to go further, yes?"

Yes. Gratefully, yes.

"So go beyond what that picture is, and you will find your Self. Contemplate what your wants and needs are; enlist your five senses to assist you in seeing all that is you and all that you want it to Be. What you come up with is your new picture. That is what this is all about."

So, I need quiet time to reflect, gather information, and figure out my next "picture"?

"Yes, you've got it. Now what are you going to do with it, Carey??"

I'm going to listen carefully and allow myself to bring forth all that is me. Eek! There is so much to learn, to see, to experience! I have questions that I must not be afraid to ask. I need to figure out why I know and feel the things I do. How is it that I have known things, seen the connections, when I have yet to encounter the material, the experiences? And when I have, nothing feels novel, exactly. So much has made sense to me for a long time now; over three decades, really.

Now I sit here and think about my earliest remembered experiences.

"Ah very good, you know what this is, yes?"

I thought to say, this is the transition to my sabbatical, but there is more to it than that. This is.. everything..

"yes.."

---

More and more I probe deeper, searching for new beacons of information and connection. I seek to expand my current schema. To actively pursue the understanding of how people are just beginning to gravitate towards certain subjects yet I have felt has been a deep part of me.. always. I intend to one day be able to articulate those "things" as originally as possible as I hold no desire to "regurgitate" what is currently available to readers, yet I also know for certain that no words are needed; that is just how it is. However, as with people before me, I too, will try to share all that is.

I would like to find a physically quiet spot to engage in some concentrated thinking, researching, reading, writing, learning and unlearning. My home is quiet, clean and peaceful, however, a change in environment would be beneficial, creatively speaking. I'm not particular on where, as long as I can concentrate. I prefer somewhere that I can both stretch my legs and my mind. If trails or a swimming spot are readily available, then that would be ideal. Oh, and a Hot Spot for laptop-internet use. My mind is just swirling with thoughts and ideas; its imperative that I clarify some of it.

That may have seemed an odd style to write a blog. Have you ever asked yourself a question then quietly an answer comes to mind? For those that have experienced this, it shows that you are comfortable in asking those questions. Sometimes we don't want to know the answers, so we never ask the question. Yet when you listen carefully, you will provide your own insight to the questions and concerns you may have. For those that have never heard the feedback, just practice listening real close. Its there...

Read to write, write to seek, seek to understand.

---

original blog, "Reagan Diaries"

Keeping it simple.



An excerpt*from Ronald Reagan's recently published diaries:

"A moment I've been dreading. George(Bush senior) brought his ne're-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one(Jeb) who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."

• This is floating around. Anyone see it? I havent checked for source yet.

I love how on occasion when I am severely lacking sleep I am overflowing with bouncy energy.

For whatever reason, I could not fall asleep last night. I tried around one a.m.,ut there was an ever increasing energy beginning to surge through me. I know my tax filing did not get me all riled up. Prior to that I had taken a good long walk around the city (brr!). No caffeine or other stimulants. So no good reason to be so awake and bouncy most of the night. I got up and walked around my room about an hour later- trying to be quiet so as not to disrupt the rest of the house. That didn't help after I laid back down- so I tried reading. nope. Closed my eyes and just let myself think.. knowing that I would eventually doze off.

When I finally did, a thought surfaced- 'carey you are asleep'-- so what do I do but wake up and pretty much agree with myself that yes, I was indeed asleep! Sounds like a nutty thing to do, but my sleep/dream/semi conscious state is weird. Compounded by my occasional acting out. I also tried to pull my fresh nose piercing out- I fully woke before the sting of pain came. (I'll post a pic eventually. Ive been lazy on the pic posting)

so I set my alarm for 8:30 am, having made plans late the night before. I woke 45 minutes early- (did I really ever truly fall asleep) and got out of bed bursting with energy. It was going to be an obnoxious day.

A very busy and fun day-- the kind where you are laughing so hard that a few snorts escape, double over in gut hurting giggles and other moments of random hilarity. I'm finally home (evening plans nixed, drats) and am still very ready to go.

I'm feeling rather sassy on top of it all and a bit 'anticipatory'- not sure how to explain that other than something is brewing and I like it, even if it isn't clear yet what it is.


Having recently added to my piercing and tattoo collection, I'm curious as to the whereabouts of some of my old friends who had been in the piercing/tattoo apprenticeships. I wonder if they are still into it or have their own shops etc. At the place I got my most recent tattoo, I had seen some flash artwork that looked much like the style of an old friend who i lost contact with. Actually even the name he uses was the same- so most likely is the same person? I took some info down to see if I can locate him- how fun! Its been several years, and it made me realize how much time has gone by...
.. and how much that whole atmosphere is fun, creative, energetic and lucrative. Not for me, but damn theres good money if you have the artistic skills.

I also decided that if I went for my doctorate, it would be for 'shits and giggles'. This thought came about because just prior to finishing my masters i began to really check into doctoral programs and sending them my info, transcripts, etc. Having decided that I wanted to live a bit more freely before I make such a decision, I halted the process. This past week I have heard from two of the universities again, not that I returned the phone calls. There is a lot to consider when deciding on furthering your education. For some it is for career advancement, for some it is for the challenge, for some it is for ego, for some it is for varying external expectations, for some it is for having choices, for some it is to limit choices.. so many reasons and logistics, finances, life considerations. For me, I think it would fall into the challenge category- but what an expensive way to be challenged! I have to determine what I want to do and decide if the education needed to pursue it is indeed necessary and if so, am I willing to do what I have to for it. Or are there other equally challenging, stimulating and pleasurable alternatives (i'm a hedonist). In the meantime I know that if I 'feel' it, then that is the direction I will head. If not, than I wont be worried about it. It is all my choice no matter what. As there is nothing specific I want to focus in on at this time, I will continue to further explore and experience life. I love that I can do that. I am immensely grateful to have the confidence, curiosity and faith to do so. As a free spirit, I like to try new things, come and go and experience various aspects of life. When I was full time work/full time school for several years, I loved that aspect of life. Once I decided that I needed to experience other aspects that did not fit at the time, I made decisions and actions that led me to have the opportunity to do just that. And that is where I am at right now.

I'm curious to try new things, to function outside of my own 'box' that I have been in. For a simple analogy- All of it leads to the same place, but in those travels, a change of shoes is sometimes necessary. the treads wear down, laces break, energy plummets, its more effort-ful to get to where you want to go. Along the way, new shoes are available if you allow yourself to stop and try them on. If its a good fit, the qualities of those shoes can keep you going, renew your energy, your focus returns to the scenery and not the pain in your feet. You might find that wandering off path is a welcome diversion- a chance to explore, see and experience new things- knowing that you'll reach your destination but with some interesting things along the way. When that pair wears down, another is always available. I know some people who have been wearing the same 'shoes' for their whole life- thinking that they'd rather tread in the shoes that they know well rather than break in a new pair. Choosing misery over comfort. I also know people who have realized that their old shoes hurt- and with amazing courage (and trepidation) have kicked them off to realize what an amazing feeling to stretch the toes. A new pair readily insight, it isn't long before the break-in period get them comfortably back on the trail. Hey, if they are comfy and serve you well, than keep on keeping on. If they are no longer serving you, then free those toes and try on a new pair. So go and follow the trail you are on, veer off to another path or make a whole new trail. As for me? well darlin' I love new shoes ;) and I love to explore!

And so, with an assortment of "shoes" to try on, I also check out the details of the trail. I've been heading in one direction, so why not go off and explore another.

As I try new things, expose myself to new people, situations, activities- I'll naturally gravitate toward whatever holds a common theme. There are projects that I have worked on in the recent and far past that I want to continue with- parts that have felt scattered- and I deeply wish to make great strides with them and have something to show for it. Perhaps that will be something to amp up my efforts on and get a clearer expectation and direction from those that are involved as well. I may be a free spirit, get bored rather easily- but my commitment is solid once I make that decision. And I love to see things through to fruition. I love the excitement, energy and challenge of building something I believe in- especially working with others- bouncing ideas, follow through, bringing our strengths to the table, making it work.. There is so much going on in life- I choose to enjoy it as much as I possibly can on as many levels as I possibly can.

life is a really cool thing!

Monday is over.

Mondays are bummer because they can't feel like any other day of the week. They certainly don't feel like Sundays (assuming a M-F job) and if it felt like any other day of the week, that would be depressing, since, well it is only Monday.

I have Emergency Response Training tomorrow. I am beginning my training as first responder of the sort. Little bit more than your CPR/First Aid stuff. I'll have to carry a pager now. ew.

I like having responsibility in the fact that it forces me to learn and be on top of new things.

I like to be in control. The kind of control that allows me to be able to make decisions, act on them and carry them out with confidence. I do not mean the 'my way or highway' kind of control. I have no problem with someone taking lead on something. Go with your strengths and balance out the weakness. I just don't ever want to feel helpless. So I can totally step back and allow someone to take over-- but I need to be able to have the skills to step up as well.

So this additional responsibility just adds to my repertoire.

but it takes away from the time I have to do my other duties..

Boss asked me if I thought that the multiple programs are structurally sound. If perhaps how they are structured and layered should be re evaluated. I nod my head. I can tell you all about it dear boss...I really should get into the consulting business..

or continue to work like mad on my own.

Found out my boss needs to take a 6 week leave, starting in january. I had pegged this time frame for one that would surface a more schedule friendly job- and one closer to home (either home). Now I will need to delay my personal interest for the greater good. I could not take off while she is gone. There is too much at stake too much going on-- too much that will hang in a delicate balance. Damn my morals and sense of responsibility!!

I am doing good stuff-- it is nice to see efforts come to fruition. Morale is increasig and people both internal and external to the company are happy- for now. I love having the high level responsibilities--

but I don't love the day to day detail and annoyances. Where many of the problems I just don't care. I see them getting old, quick.I need to love it again. I have always been fortunate in my ability to love my job. I only moved on once the learning stopped..

When I love something, I put my all into it. There is no turning back as my perseverence, energy and passion keep me going strong..

..not sure how much of any of that I have. Just continuing to be honest with myself.

I also miss the comradery. I didn't realize how much I had fun with my coworkers of jobs past until this one. I share a great proffesional rapport with people now. But it is with my staff that I get the best energy and shared laughs. There is a sense of humor and a "we'll get through this despite it all" .

I hate being in the middle of "them" and "us" --I am not sure which one I am.

ahhh, so I am done with the freaking out anxiety stage. It is all good from here on out. I will continue to make observations and reflections, but it is no longer under the whining/trying to figure out what the hells wrong category of writing/talking/thinking.

They know I wont back down on what I find important.

and I know I wont back down on what I have figured out about myself.

Onward and upward.

peace.