I have been hiding like a little louse in a thinning head of hair, scurrying between wilting strands, seeking warmth (remind me to tell you my lice story). I love old houses, but this place is cold. My heating bill is $200 and we don't even turn on the goddamn heat! Nonetheless, heart warming adventures have occurred.

- The Boys (Attention Boys of Buffalo: I'm sorry if you didn't know, but it's pretty much impossible not to call you guys The Boys. Tell me if you find that annoying, but I notice that everyone does it and no one is ever confused and pondering "WHAT BOYS?" so it seems like an apt monniker) and Casey came to visit a few weeks ago and we went to a party at Tilt. It was full of young children. I increasingly feel like an outdated old hag, but i sort of enjoy it. The music in the courtyard was much better than inside and since I am (until three days from now) an EVIL smoker, I bore the smoke filled patio with ease.


Then, the previous post about shitstorm occurred.

- Last weekend ((e:yesthatcasey)) and I went to play pool with Tanya and Dianne at some dudebro bar. It was nice to play a bunch of games without some heavy breathing pool shark frowning down at me, waiting to play. I suck because I haven't been playing lately and Casey kept kicking the shit out of drinky girls and declaring that no drink could contain enough vodka. If Casey was a product, I would call him Bartender's Choice. The next night we went to Dianne's birthday/housewarming party. The apartment is on Symphony Circle, which conjures up images of english ladies being scandalized by something and drinking whiskey in their tea.



I thought everyone was friendly and I've noticed that people from Buffalo are very nice. Even at parties, which are sometimes difficult to stray from one's own social group, people are always very welcoming and chatty and I appreciate that. In Rochester, there does seem to be a bit of the Smugtown clannishness and it can be difficult to penetrate. Or maybe in both cases I'm drunk and have no idea what i'm talking about.

Mike and David were there and I like them and want to put blankets on them and fetch them things. I get these instant pictures of people and it manifests as sometimes renaming someone, needing to move an item in their home, needing to get the hell away from them, or in this case, the desire to blanket. Do they need psychic nursing? maybe.

The next day we all went to The Lodge for breakfast and it was very lovely inside. I love any hint of woodsiness, so it was very sweet. There was a very Twin Peaks like place in Portland and I was hoping this would be similar, it's more fancy pants style though. The food was tasty and I would recommend brunch.




I like to spy on bathrooms at restaurants.

- Casey and I went to see the basilica in South Buffalo. Our Lady of Constant Weeping? Our Lady of Perpetual Growling? The Virgin of Insufferable Pap Smear? You can add "infant" "our lady" "virgin" and "holy" to anything and make a catholic church out of it, which is great. good job, catholics. The basilica was closed but I WILL get inside of there.
'
Casey should get this jacket, but they want more for it than if it was made of leather. If he was into birthdays or presents, i'd buy it for his birthday.

I DID order a balaclava for Casey because I feel bad that his tender porcelain skin is being attacked by the elements (and that he doesn't know how to moisturize). My face feels like leather. I am going to wrinkle up horrid fashion in a few years and when i do, i am going to go completely Senior Citizen and just do whatever the fuck I want because i'm old. Anyway, I bought a balaclava too and it is quite warm, i recommend it. also: hides chin fat!


- in a rare moment of leisure at work, I decided to cast my lips. i do it every now and again for amusement. I like the way a random mouth appears on a counter, it looks surreal. It also doesn't look like MY mouth.

TRIGGER WARNING: poop talk, gross imagery in your brain

We can all thank my father that Monday did not result in a more disastrous and fragrant flash flood of horror. Growing up in a somewhat health obsessed household, I dutifully doled out the vitamins as my pre-dinner job after setting the table. Everyone got their little pile of golden football shaped garlic gels, green chlorophyll, chalky multi vitamins and deliciously tart chewable vitamin c. Additionally, I remember my dad saying "milk is for baby COWS" and "your poop tells the story of your health". So, for years now, I have always taken that one lingering look at my bowel movements, reveling in whatever texture or quantity i've made or worrying over what toxins i'm surely steeping in at any given moment. It may not be a full coprophillia situation, but it's a healthy interest. Clearly it's a medical interest. http://www.continence.org.au/data/images/bristol_stool_chart.gif

Monday was a real shit show.

Everyone's favorite nightmare is being at someone else's house when this happens, I just happened to LIVE IT. The occasion seemed safe after everyone at Casey's house was clear of the bathroom, I darted in. After one of my signature healthy release situations, i did my lingering glance, only to find that the toilet water was rising curiously higher than normal. Sensing the impending brown flood on Casey's bathroom, I shut off the water valve in time to prevent overflow (which is really great because then you have to pretty much put your face next to it to reach the valve). Still, I remained calm, I've dealt with plumbing disasters before. Plunging with what appeared to be a plunger made of wet felt, i saw no change. No sudden bubble and everything safely swirling away. After a bunch of tries, I finally made the ever-humbling decision to go ahead and throw dignity to the reckless wind and do what every woman dreams of doing: asking her partner to come over and check out her shit, NAY STARE AT IT AND STAND OVER A BOWL OF IT AND PLUNGE!

Casey, who remained surprisingly unfreaked out (considering how he won't touch raw FOOD) in his attempt to plunge. A new plunger was in order, so we had to go on a trip to find one all while poor Steve was trapped in a house where he could not use the bathroom (although, there is a real pleasure in peeing in a sink, i'm not gonna lie). Upon our return, Casey finally freed whatever was clogging the toilet and i bleached the living hell out of the bathroom floor from whatever flowed over.

Nothing is more bonding than a standing together over a toilet together. If you can get through that shit, you might be ok.

My last long and sorrowful tale actually came out unintentionally because I was trying to describe my visit to the medium. Blogging is so therapeutic! After my initial visit to the medium three years ago, I remained skeptical but still held a little spooky kernal of fascination for the afterlife/psychics/communication world. After Chopstix I felt that if ever there was a person who would come out to talk, it would be her! So I booked an appointment but could not get in for TWO FUCKING YEARS.

In that time I became much more interested in examining my feelings about mortality, existence, legacy, etc. Following Chopstix death, there was a lot of work to do to take care of her things and her affairs because her mother and sister are really all the family she has and they live hours away. There was an entire giant house filled with shit (we had similar living styles which we called our Incense Palaces). There was an entire attic studio filled floor to ceiling with cloth and a downstairs full of dyes and art supplies. It was insane. I spent hours and hours sitting in the attic folding cloth and tagging it all for a sale. In that deeply personal space where she spent hours working and where she loved to be, I would sit there alone in the night and think "if there was a spirit presence or lingering of some disembodied soul, this would be where she'd go". Nothing ever happened. No mysterious breeze, no rustling of paper, no doors closing on their own, no tingling sensation of a presence. It was an empty house. Memories continued to throb and exist in their almost tangible way, but no Chopstix presence that I could detect.

My friend's husband Jeff was then found dead in a car under suspicious circumstances of an overdose. I offered to feed the cats while she went home to Virginia to figure things out. I let myself into the house where he had just been living the day before and when I saw his shoes just sitting by the door I had a little breakdown because for some reason, shoes seem so personal to me, such a symbol of a person who is going to be running out the door and living. So I was sitting there cradling a shoe and crying while the cats looked at me like I was an idiot (but that's pretty much how cats always look at you). Anyway, the point is, again I was in the space of someone who recently died and I felt absolutely no presence. There was no activity that would indicate any afterlife clinging to the space. You can bet that if there was an afterlife, when I kick it, I'd be throwing glitter and causing all kinds of spills and havoc for the fun of it. Glitter Ghost.

So I went to the same medium, Robyn, in the hopes that THIS time there would be some kind of message that was clearly from Chopstix or Jeff that I could identify. It was partially an experiment and partially just that wistful dream that maybe you get to talk to them. Other people have made her sound like an amazing genius with earth shattering skill, so I gave her one more try. Rough outline of my first visit with her:
- some dark haired lady from my maternal side steps forward and takes the spotlight for a long time. she talks about how i have the psychic gift, how i should travel to home (okinawa) and take my mom with me. i'm like my grandmother and less like my mom blah blah. She says the women of the family are what held things together and that they were very strong willed, even in times when women had a secondary position.
- my paternal grandfather steps forward and has more practical information such the fact that I have the ability to influence my father and that he thinks my father is not necessarily on the right track with his religion. he talks about what it looks like on "the other side". asks me if i have a boyfriend, tells me i'll meet someone who works near water, possibly in the service industry who was too shy to say anything to me (oh my god! so accurate!! oh wait)
- all the time that she's talking to me, she's having this weirdo conversation with the air on either side of her and laughing and responding to the "person" who has stepped forward
- she thinks that i have the gift and asks me to unfocus my eyes and see if i can detect anything. which i can't

So THIS visit goes like this:
- she asks if there's anyone specific i'd like to talk to so I tell her to freestyle first and then i'll ask
- same grandmother lady hogs the spotlight and says a bunch of shit that isn't that great
- Robyn asks when my grandmother died, which she hasn't. she's alive and well in Okinawa
- she asks about jewelry and porcelain that was supposed to be left for me. there is no such thing as these items
- grandfather comes forward and says pretty much the same stuff as before. he also says i was precocious and asked a million questions as a child (duh. anyone looking at me could guess that) and that my sister and i were a little afraid of him when we were little (completely untrue. he looked like Colonel Sanders, what's not to love?). he also said that my grandmother had a little altar that she kept and took with her whenever they moved. They never moved. They lived and died in the same house that his parents built. So that was totally not true.
- finally I ask about my list of people: Chopstix, Jeff, Tom, and Bijou
Tom: she starts with tom. he says his chest hurt, he had a lot of chest pain. he didn't want to bother anyone and tell them what was going on. he was sorry. i tell her that i didn't know Tom very well, he's a dead loved one of a friend. more on that later

Jeff: she got nothing

Bijou: he loved me, she was getting really excited almost puppy-like happiness coming from him. he was happy, he was sorry to leave etc. he says he is in a magical heavenly place. Was he middle aged, like 56? (i guess so). He got sick and he knew he couldn't heal himself, so what more could he do? He didn't want to prolong things. He says he COULD hear everything. He thinks i light up a room and bring the light with me. he thanks me for everything. He knows that people drink to him at parties and he likes that. Don't worry about cemetaries, he's alright.

Chopstix: the last person she hears from and only for a few seconds. (what??) "he was young, too young. but it was no one's fault. His whole body hurt. He could see the pity in everyone's eyes. he was frightened and angry when it happened, he tried to stay but he couldn't. He loved me a lot in all the appropriate and inappropriate ways. he is the one who moves photos around my house"

ok

Bijou is my cat. he is comfortably buried in a plastic tote in the backyard and I am planning to dig him up and re-articulate his skeleton. so he might've mentioned his decomposition level to give me a heads up on the skeleton project. She did not seem to mention anything particularly feline.

I was wearing Chopstix' necklace, bracelet, yarn, and bag that she always had and was even holding when she died. If anything should've jumped out at this lady, it would be her. HER. Robyn kept referring to "him" throughout the supposed reading.

Tom with the chest pains was not my loved one, but had died on New Years Day and he was.... a hermit crab. No mention of this fact from the medium.

So 90$ later I learned my lesson and feel a bit more solid in my belief that there is no afterlife and spirit mediums are kooky geniuses that are gifted at cold reading and providing an experience for people who are craving one. I paid for the performance and for someone to size me up and try to read ME. That's what everyone is getting, a stranger's estimation of what moves you or stimulates some emotion in you. I was a stony scribe with no facial expressions writing the whole time she was talking, so she had nothing to play off of, nothing to use as a key for the next aspect of the performance and that left her aimlessly reaching for old standby "visitors". I appreciate her swift thinking and her ability to drift out, bounce an idea out and see if she got a reaction and then quickly change to the next thing with a seamless talking style that showed no hesitation. She is a very sweet and pleasant lady and I talked her into becoming a patient at my office, so i got some work done too!

Since there is no afterlife, i maintain my position that it is crucial that i take pictures of people, have my picture taken with friends, tell people i love them and be as open and expressive as possible because you never want to regret what you didn't do. It may seem annoying when I try to video or photograph everything, but now that Chops is gone, all I have are pictures and two little videos. One is trying to teach her how to snap her fingers and the other one is her laughing hysterically while being beaten with a Twizzler. I only have 4 pictures of us together because I was always taking pictures of other people. Now I try to have my picture with everyone. I believe immortality IS a thing, just not in the way that was previously imagined. I believe eternity is digital, and maybe Paul and Joe would weigh in on this. It seems that you can be floating around google images, facebook, blogs, etsy shops, dating sites, etc forever. blogs and things i've written 10+ years ago are still there, dusty but untouched. So I suppose this will be part of my eternity that can haunt everyone when I'm gone. Thanks spirit medium, for giving me fodder for this Very Long Post.

In the cold of January I find myself unable to think of anything other than delicious ramen thanks to our little outing two weeks ago to Sato on Elmwood. I wasn't even sure if I was in the mood for Japanese, but now I am craving it ever since. Thanks a lot, Plaid Forest!





I will on a later post try to post my favorite food scenes from movies (without breaking this website ;)) because there are several, one of the best being anything from Tampopo, which is a movie i've watched a million times. It's from the 80's and about a woman who wants to open her own quick ramen shop but has to learn about the passionate art of soup making from some homeless gourmands and a cowboy truck driver. It's so sweet and adorable and you want all the ramens after you watch it. The Sato ramen would be the perfect thing to have after watching that movie. I think I was most pleased with that goddamn perfect egg in it. it could have used a piece of narutomaki, but the pork was so delicious. I almost didn't care that much about the sushi, even if it did look like orange jewels. almost. That sent me on an obsession with cooking the perfect soft boiled egg (martha stewart says 5 minutes, other people say 6), which i must experiment with. I would like to try to make my own ramen.

Last weekend Casey came up to visit Rochester, where there was barely any snow compared to Buffalo. Friday my friends Arden and Rahul came over and we just sat around the kitchen table and drank a bunch and talked. When I drink, I go into this weird Chef Mode, where I just keep cooking things uncontrollably and feeding people.

I then dragged the ever-patient and mildly ill Casey to...the Contemporary Dentistry office party!! Bear in mind that any new person who joins our office thinks i'm an incredibly scary lesbian who hates them for the entire first two months they work there. Everyone has admitted this. Maybe this is because I won't look at or talk to them, i'm like a cat, ok? I figure, if they're going to get fired i don't want to bother getting attached. I also hate training people very much. After the two months are up, they realize i'm an adult baby and they start grooming me. seriously. i've been there 12 years and this is the pattern. every person has fixed my bra, brushed my hair, straightened my pants, pulled the earring out of my mask, observed me laying on the floor or doing headstands, napping, etc. the one thing they're never sure of is my admittedly questionable sexuality (how to explain my love machines and cephalopods?). Sooo Casey is of course this magical weird creature that no one believes exists and cannot WAIT to stare at. Just the way he loves it! Everyone loved him and said how cute he is and how great he is and how he seems so caring and nice. He was most patiently babysitting my drunk ass as I toddled around in impractical hooker shoes. He also had the delight of going to the most rugged strip club in Rochester where the girls are.... rough around the edges. They're always really nice and chatty when I go there anyway. My boss' husband was druuuunk and he always wants to go when the girls go there so we took he got a nice faceful of droopy titties. Highlight: being told to deposit my dollar UNDER the tit of someone who was failing the pencil test greatly. My workwife received a Stripper Hickey for her troubles. Another highlight was our Italian doctor partner wearing bright yellow pants, a brocaded velvet jacket, and sporting the male equivalent of cameltoe. Balls on parade. it was great. i hope that four of us weren't simultaneously staring, but i do so only with greatest admiration and support. Flaunt those balls!

Casey chaffeured me around and for some reason developed his allergy in my house again. it is an inexplicable mystery. maybe he's allergic to hungover bitches? eek. It was a nice weekend nonetheless.

((e:Paul)) posted recently of his psychic aunt, which was interesting because I recently had my own psychic visit on Saturday and it was bittersweet. About 3 years ago I made an appointment with this woman Robyn, who numerous people have given wildly enthusiastic descriptions of. They've glowed over the perfect detail with which she described their lives, their dead loved ones, their future. blah blah. I never really believed them. I made myself an appointment with Robyn the spirit medium about three years ago. She is allegedly clairsentient and can also talk to animals. There were things to consider, things that might be worth thinking about later, but they were things anyone could've said. I left somewhat unimpressed, but found the performance to be interesting nonetheless. Last Saturday I returned, which you may find perplexing, so I will outline my motivations in an excessively long, cathartic two post explosion.

My best friend and sister wife, Chopstix heard all about my little psychic experiment and we laughed about it together and she thought she might give it a try at some point. Chopstix and I both retain our mystical Aquarius inner workings and even hardcore cynicism can't completely chase it out of us. When people visit my house, they always ask who the person is that I have so many pictures of, it's Chopstix. We did everything together, looked out for one another, were each others' family in a place where we lived alone. In August 2012, without any warning or previous symptom, Chopstix died. It was a tuesday and I remember that I was eating chicken wings after work when I got a frantic call from our friend John that he had taken Chops to the hospital and I needed to get there immediately. It was so strange, that string of words and that concept, I moved slowly because I didn't process what it meant. The night before the three of us had gone to see the Marina Abramovic documentary at the theater, which was notable because Chopstix would never go to a movie theater. She couldn't stand sitting for 2 hours without smoking or crafting. Her shaky hands were always busy, always making or sewing or felting or spinning. Having been a very well known figure in Rochester as a bartender, she quit that life and became a full time artist making beautiful African wax print clothing and dying wool and spinning and creating her own work that is still well known all over the world. We spent so many hours crocheting or laying in the lawn on blankets talking shit and drinking vodka, bitching about our love lives, talking about art process, dreaming up designs. John, Chops and I spent the whole summer of 2012 taking turns sleeping over at each others' houses, drinking scotch, listening to records, and laughing hysterically. I'm glad we had a nice night out to the movie all together the night before, making plans for the weekend.

The hospital always sends the mind into an alternate universe because it's unlike any other place one frequents, the air is different, the lights are foreign, the sounds are from another place. Much the way casinos are designed to confuse and overpower you, I feel that hospitals disorient, maybe mercifully so. When there is a crisis situation, I immediately turn into Survival Mamasumi and shut off all emotional response, so I found John in the emergency department and started grilling nurses and looking for Chops. Then I saw that the whole floor was running toward one bed, people ringing the tiny body and shouting. I didn't get to see her conscious, barely catching a glimpse as they worked and rushed around.

I took John to a waiting area and we sat there staring into space. I was murmuring comforting things and making jokes and feeling that there was no possible way that a young, strong person who was so magical and alive would TRULY be in serious trouble. John was stunned and traumatized because only a couple of years before he had sat in the exact same room hearing that his wife was dead, so he kept saying "not again. this can't happen again". The nurses were worried, they kept checking on us and I was busy trying to comfort THEM, thanking them and trying not be any trouble. Finally, a nurse and doctor came into say that they had tried everything but she was gone. Dead. 30 years old and gone in few hours with no warning. I could not process that information correctly. All I could think of was practical matters, we have to tell everyone, we have to figure everything out, what is the next step. The most fucked up phone call you can ever make is to tell a parent that their child is dead and I was sitting there preparing to dial the number, being alarmingly calm. Her parents live 3 hours away in Pennsylvania, so I told them she was in serious condition in the hospital, it was not looking good. I kept thinking of them driving and didn't want them to have an accident. Her sister, I told the truth, she lost it on the phone and the reality started creeping in. During the hours that John and I waited in the hospital, I called all of our friends and finally started crying and crying. When her mom arrived, she was completely losing her mind. She was talking crazy shit and making all of these plans and promises and trying to organize things but all in an illogical way. I suppose she was in a mode similar to mine, to cope with the wave of emotion.

When John got the call from Chopstix, she had been in bed, unable to catch her breath or move. He found her sweating and pale, weakened and barely conscious. He picked up her tiny body and carried her to the car and drove wildly to the hospital. She kept saying that she couldn't breathe and the when they arrived at the hospital they had the audacity to make her fill out paperwork and grill her about insurance instead of taking her to ER immediately. Being young and without insurance, thin, looking someone who would never be sick, they probably didn't take her seriously enough. John said he screamed that she was having a heart attack and they finally snapped to, but we always wondered if those minutes would have made a difference for her. By the time they got her in and realized what was happening, it was too late to operate, do an MRI or anything. She had a rare aortic aneurysm, an archway surrounding her heart burst suddenly and her inability to breathe was probably blood filling her lungs. It makes me cry now thinking of her feeling scared and unable to get a breath and not knowing what the hell was going on. Most people who have these types of aneurysms don't survive, but it just seemed like maybe she would have been one of them, you can never know.

The worst part of the night, the one that is simultaneously surreal and the crashingly TOO real, was when they finally escorted us down the hall to say goodbye. In a room not much bigger than a closet, they had a gurney with Chopstix tucked into sheets as though she was sleeping and some chairs. we all crowded in and her mom kept talking and patting her and trying to make us feel better, but my heart was breaking for her and for Chopstix and for all of us at once. I hate that moment, that time when I saw her and her face was not her own, swollen from fluid changes and from the violence of the doctors trying to save her, trying to operate and then not operate, her body rebelling against her and killing her from the inside out. Chopstix was always a trendsetter and a rebel and a free spirit, so it seemed apropos that no external entity took her out, that she burst forth from within. I sat alone with her and it was awful to see her for the last time and it had to be like that. I still have to distract my mind when I get flashes of her face in that moment because that isn't how I want to remember her and I wish her mother never had to see her like that. I touched her hand and it was real how she was gone because her hands always shook, sometimes a light tremor and sometimes intensely. I tucked a small handful of yarn into her fingers because there was always yarn in her hands. I said goodbye and then my world changed forever

Prior to Chopstix, my relationship with death was by acquaintance and peripheral at best. I remember my grandmother dying in the hospital and reaching to swab her lips with the moistened sponge on a stick that was all they would let her drink. She grasped at it longingly and it occurred to me that I was nursing my grandmother and a cycle was completing itself. That sort of death was familiar, followed the narrative of life that I was prepared for. The same for my granfather a few years later. Someone close, someone in my daily life, who really knew me, who I knew so well, who I saw naked, who I was drunk with, who I held crying and forced hangover food on, who I counselled, this was the first time I ever experienced this sort of loss. Before Chops, I was somewhat hardhearted when people were grieving over a death, not really feeling true empathy for them, not really understanding how it incapacitated some people and damaged others years after the fact. I didn't understand funeral traditions or mourning practices, eulogies and memorials. It all came funneling into me that night. I changed. I cry now when I hear a news report of a truck driver dying in a crash in Montana because I know what his family feels like and I hate that they have to go through it and through the months and years after. I unfocus my eyes when I see scenes in TV shows of people identifying their murdered child in the morgue. There are people like me who haven't known the sensations and they think the way I did before and sigh at all of the "overly emotional people" crying over things like these. But I know why people try to find their mother's spirt in an old dress or go to the medium to try to talk to her, I understand that wistful longing for one more chance to say something. But all we ever get to say is goodbye.